Sometimes It Feels Like I Hate Myself

Sometimes it feels like I hate myself

More than I care for you 

It's a tragedy I can’t quite shake

How whenever I’m around

This strange and beautiful family

I can finally think clearly

No more planning 

No more darkness

The other face of the same coin ?

I can’t explain just how low

I truly am

It feels too fake you see

If I’m this happy

Why would I ever want to leave?

Compass

There’s no going back to where we were

I’ve nearly accepted that now

We both chose different paths after that night

Except you didn’t tell me

Let me happily wonder down the way

Following, parallel, so close I didn’t notice

That you were forging on ahead

Turning away apparently without

A backwards glance

I can’t forget you, that’s the real tragedy,

My path is still paved with our shared stones

I copy your inflections

You’re so deeply etched

In the grooves of my mind

That I still can’t fully accept

My new people

I keep a space in my heart free for you

Though I know you’re not turning back

I had my chance and blew it

So now your departure compels me

Closer to the edge

I’d rather die than have to face

A world in which we never shared

My compass still calls you home

But I will never again call you safe

I gave you my knife

You stabbed me in the back

As soon as I showed signs

Of fracturing completely

I told you I was going to die

And you told me to wait

wait until it was more convenient

To finally see my fate.

I like to sleep because it’s bassically an open relationship with death. Yeah she loves me every night, but every morning we shower and get dressed and I go back to life, leaving her lying in my bed.

I have a hard time believing in an all-knowing, all-powerful god due to personal experience. I’m sure there are people who will disagree: “oh but hardships are put there to overcome” ect, ect… Nope. A hardship is something that you can either grow over or grow around. A bullshit is something that is nearly insurmountable and requires so much more energy to get over than energy it will provide back. There is now way a “good god” could, with a clear conscious deliberately put people through these things.

Firstly, has the algorithm been reading my poetry ? Secondly, A.I ??

I’m sorry for admitting this here instead of in person

Sometimes I cannot wait for the point where everyone will go off to uni/jobs/further life and I’ll finally be given the space to die.