Cw Sui Ideation - Tumblr Posts
it’s a good thing I don’t own a car
it’s a good thing I gave away my knife
it’s a good thing I’m not at home
it’s a good thing the windows are locked
it’s all a tragedy but I can’t stop laughing
search history
Google search: Important veins/arteries
Google search: whetstone
Google search: knife sharpening near me
Google search: how heavy is the average human
Google search: how much weight can nylon rope hold
Google search: nylon rope
Google search: how to pick a lock
Google search: how to write a will
Google search:
Google search:
platonic date idea: you help me tie a noose
Compass
There’s no going back to where we were
I’ve nearly accepted that now
We both chose different paths after that night
Except you didn’t tell me
Let me happily wonder down the way
Following, parallel, so close I didn’t notice
That you were forging on ahead
Turning away apparently without
A backwards glance
I can’t forget you, that’s the real tragedy,
My path is still paved with our shared stones
I copy your inflections
You’re so deeply etched
In the grooves of my mind
That I still can’t fully accept
My new people
I keep a space in my heart free for you
Though I know you’re not turning back
I had my chance and blew it
So now your departure compels me
Closer to the edge
I’d rather die than have to face
A world in which we never shared
My compass still calls you home
But I will never again call you safe
I gave you my knife
You stabbed me in the back
As soon as I showed signs
Of fracturing completely
I told you I was going to die
And you told me to wait
wait until it was more convenient
To finally see my fate.
Glass Zombie
I’m not living my own life
It’s hard to do you see
Because I should have died
Before summer this year
But I’m still here
No better than a corpse
Trying to make up for melancholy I bring
By loving this family with cold hands
And a rotted heart
You won’t let me break down
Decay completely into the ground
I don’t know why
After all, you can’t provide assurances
That it will get better
I don’t begrudge you your choices
But I feel I should point out
It’s impossible to make a mirror
Out of broken and ground down glass
Crying wolf
I’m so fed up with maybe
And they must be too
So tired of the constant stress
Even if it isn’t real
Wish I could choose one way or the other
Take the high road or keep living
Instead of having a foot on each
It’s not bravery required
Not this far past the first time
Just need a quiet hour
Maybe some determination
Give me an inch
I’ll make it last a mile
Tying nooses as a hobby
Going to hell with a smile
Funny how I can be so open
As long it’s a bloody poem
But try and talk in person ?
Rarely
Something in the way
Even the most solid smile drops
When you admit that, yeah
6ft of rope is more than enough
reblog this and put in the tags what comes up when you type “die”
Reblogging this just to increase visibility along with adding a few extra thoughts to this.
If Tosteur or Sunny wishes for me to delete this post then I will happily do so! Please check tags for more rambles lolol.
I mentioned previously that I had gone on an alt account to have a conversation about Zeteroxx and Fey's accusations. Our conversation got a bit heated, but one of the main things I had asked Zeteroxx about is its goal with the constant harassment of my friends. It had clearly stated that it wanted Tosteur and Sunny to 'go to therapy and they would be allowed to come back when they are different people'. There are a few issues with this: it's not up to Zeteroxx or Fey to decide if someone's changed, they have gone way beyond a reasonable and polite solution and instead started asking people to harass and block my friends without clearly stating that they just want Tosteur and Sunny to take a break just to go to therapy, Zeteroxx and Fey aren't privy to the information to see if the parties they've already started accusing are already in therapy or if they have looked into therapy, and also some kids online don't really get to make the call that someone 'needs therapy'. I personally think therapy is beneficial to everyone but trying to diagnose someone mentally unwell(or whatever they are trying to convey by their accusations) as someone who is not a trained professional can be quite damaging.
Also, while Zeteroxx or Fey are now deliberately trying to sabotage Tosteur and Sunny's relationships it kinda goes beyond 'spreading the word'. It is harassment. Not to mention making entire block lists of people who side with the two accused and posting it as a threat to add more people or using the overhanging threat of yourselves blocking them. At this point you are trying to scare people into siding with you.
This has already been brought up. But it's not up to Fey to decide if people are allowed to be a certain person or align with a certain identity. Fey left Tosteur's server because they got into a disagreement with Sunny. Fey made a comment saying that someone they used to know likely was lying about their sexuality because they were a bad person and Sunny called Fey out saying that Fey doesn't get to make those accusations because that is invalidating part of someone's identity. Fey said 'i know when im not wanted' and then left the server with Zeteroxx. Two weeks later the hate posts started coming up. Now, Fey is trying to invalidate Sunny's identity saying that they won't call them the name Sunny because 'Sunny' is a fictive and not the person fronting. Plus the constant use of wrong pronouns when on the server and now after they've left.
I'm not saying anyone involved was blameless. Multiple people have made mistakes in this situation, including myself. But there's a clear difference between people who are using popular Omori creators to constantly spread their hate and people who are trying to just take the hate. Tosteur hasn't lashed back or done anything to aggravate any of you guys after that situation! Why do you feel the need to be lurking on the page of the guy you blocked and screenshot his posts just to post a picture to your following and encourage people to drive Tosteur off the platform??? That's not a decent-person thing to do???
Putting harder to read things below the 'read more'. This mentions Zeteroxx's accusations against myself and a few other people regarding their mental state when they were on the server and mentions of taking ones life. Please proceed with caution.
When I tried to confront Zeteroxx on my alt account it accused me of 'making it almost commit' along with hurling those accusations to the other accused and people in that server. I do not plan on invalidating it's feelings but it is extremely important to make some points clear.
First of all, after breaking the rules on its first day, I offered to help Zeteroxx in DMs so it would not continue breaking the rules on the server(spoiler alert: it kept breaking the rules on the server). My thought process in offering to help it is that I was the oldest person on the server and I thought that the responsibility should naturally fall to me to make sure that Zeteroxx was okay and other people weren't being made uncomfortable. A few days into talking to Zeteroxx in DMs I realized that I truly had no clue what I was doing and started feeling more and more uncomfortable as I felt my own mental health taking a toll so I told Zeter that I didn't feel comfortable DMing it anymore and offered different online resources that would have people better suited and trained to help people. I also offered to help it find alternate resources if the current ones did not work.
Zeteroxx told me that those kinds of resources just don't really work for it and then proceeded to continue ruminating on the server. At that point I only kept my conversations with it public and did not respond anytime it attempted to DM me.
My next point is that while several people can influence a choice, no human can truly make anyone commit. It sounds cruel to say that, but my point is that Zeteroxx is placing all of the blame for its mental health onto other people very publicly in a way to hurt them. It hurts a lot to have an accusation like that made against you and while I understand that it may be upset with Sunny or I, it's not necessarily correct or fair to place us as the pure blame. There are a lot of factors that tie into decisions that impactful, and for someone to be held as the sole reason can take a large mental toll.
Also, its ideation of committing was brought up on its first day in the server. Zeteroxx has been blaming Tosteur and other server members for everyone excluding it and ignoring it, but there were no such conversations like that. Likely, the two reasons people wouldn't always respond to Zeteroxx's message is because 1) most of the server is in an entirely different time zone and could be in school or sleeping when the message was sent or 2) people just didn't know how to connect with Zeteroxx and felt uncomfortable when being in a conversation when the other party started spiraling. There was no consensus for everyone to ignore specific members of the server, people are just allowed to have conversations with who they wish. And we aren't going to make anyone have conversations with someone either.
I apologize if this comes across as harsh, but it was of my opinion that it would be best to be blunt about my thoughts on this subject because this situation has hurt multiple people. And even though the people accused keep trying to ignore and just let Zeteroxx and Fey be angry, the hate posts haven't necessarily been going away.
Making this post because I am so incredibly tired of all this bullshit, with all the stress me and my friend went through.
TW Drama
It's been almost two months, and i've been isolated, under the pretext that I'm a harasser and that I've manipulated and bullied two former members of my server.
My friend already clarified this on his response post on his now inactive alt, but this is not true. I have almost never talked to Zeteroxx in DMS, and when I did, it was me checking if it was okay after it felt bad after a roleplay session. On the server, i've always been respectful. All I did was reminding it and Fey to respect the rules, which they were both constantly breaking. Venting, bringing out dramas, constantly despite my warnings. I have tried to be understanding, and most of the time I would just brush off their behaviour even when it made several members uncomfortable. Venting is not allowed on this server, and while I understand they'd want a safe space to vent to, it shouldn't have been here. People from the server did want to help it by making a venting group. People were not harassing Zeteroxx.
It got upset when Theoku stated he felt uncomfortable at the idea of Zeteroxx seeing his content. That's it.
Fey did have disagreements with members of the server but again, it was always respectful, and members were always understanding of Fey's past experiences. Their disagreements with Theoku were resolved in DMS and were not heated. At all. Not in any way was it harassment. Theoku had always been trying to be respectful as well.
And again, the proshipper allegations are baseless. Just because I drew my Basil|Stranger character wearing a crop top and flirting with Sunny. They're both 17, and even then, there was nothing sexual about this. It is just a teenager wearing a crop top. What is wrong with you people. And since it is now used as Fey's main argument against us, I find it concerning. They seem to care way more about a drawing they don't like than the actual person who has been hurt.
It is valid from Zeteroxx not to feel good after someone clearly said they don't like it, in a moment where it was in a very bad headspace and struggling. But I do condemn the constant harassment from their side. The amount of posts they've been making on us and telling my mutuals and friends to block me is harassment. I have received asks that were clearly the results of those posts. And talking to the artists I've interacted with to "warn them about us", making a bunch of call out posts is a hate campaign. Fey, what you're doing is harassment, and it's not helping anyone. All it's doing is hurting every party involved. I am not happy about losing mutuals, potential friends. I am not happy about seeing all the hard work I've put on this blog crumble.
Fey was the one who had been horribly disrespectful, misgendering Theoku and using the wrong name despite his constant reminders; while insisting on using the right pronouns for you, which we had been doing since the beginning. This is in no way okay.
Explicitly refusing to use the name that Theoku gave them because “it’s clearly the host talking, not Sunny” despite Theoku clearly stating it is his name everywhere including on discord is disgusting.
I invite you to look at the posts Fey had been making "exposing us", as well as Theoku's response on his alt account ( @theokusobjection ) but you can clearly see that no significant proof was formulated that would prove us guilty of such things.
They have been accusing us while misusing extremely serious and sensitive language, with again, no concrete proof. I am not happy about the image they are painting of us, it has been impacting our mental healths very badly.
And regarding this old friend again, this should've stayed a private matter. I am deeply hurt by this as well as it was a very painful and traumatic friendship fallout. I had been avoiding this person and moving on with life, and that helped me recover from all of this, yet here we are.
I stayed silent for so long to protect myself, not to feed the drama, but I cannot take this anymore.
damn who turned the VENTilation on haha
tw s8cide, self h4rm
this is what i want to say to you.
it’s not my fault and you don’t get to yell at me
yeah you can hit me again go ahead i dare you
i hope you don’t cry when i kill myself, you don’t deserve to
you don’t deserve to scream at me and shout curses and call me a bitch when i dont comply with what you tell me to do within 2 minutes
you dont :deserve tp get angry at me when i dont immediately respond to you
and you dont deserve to bitch at me when i simply ask you to just help me and then you dont even look up
“I fucking heard shut up give me a fucking second”
give you a second? give me my life
i want it back
you can hit me, do it before i do it myself
i hope you kill me
and i hope you don’t feel bad about it because you dont deserve to suddenly grow a pair and discover emotions
you dont deserve to yell at me and get angry when i just relay a message from someone else.
find someone else to bitch at when im dead
you used to be annoying, back when we were both younger. now you’re just disgusting and i cannot bear to see you
if you hate all of us so much why don’t you leave? we’ll both be happier.
I wish you saw me when i was about to do it, just so i could see how you would react.
I want to tell you to leave. I want to have the peace of mind.
would you care? would you berate me?
i want to look at you in disgust if you ever tried to say sorry. you dont deserve that. i dont forgive you.
“did you fucking hear me?”
“yes”
“then say something bitch!”
ok ill say this i wish you didnt exist i wish you died. shut up
I dont love you. you are unlovable, and i feel sorry for the next person to fall into your orbit.
i think you are irredeemable, and either way, i will never forgive you.
im very upset.
One thing about growing up in the Bible Belt and very poor is that both 1. Childhood mortality and 2. The threat of Hell were very real and traumatic fears to my ancestors, so I was trained to say this classic prayer nightly: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul will keep. For if I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul will take.”
I’m still religious, but don’t subscribe to the fear-mongering-for-followers, especially telling *children* that God is like a scary Santa that sets you on fire if you’re naughty. Anyway. I realized today that that prayer was, in part, probably supposed to make me a little frightened, especially of the ideas of death and hell. However, a second thing about growing up super poor in the Bible Belt (aka, the land of “hillbillies neither want nor deserve public assistance”) was that 1. I knew very early that childhood mortality may very well Get Me, but 2. I honestly hoped it would. I always took comfort in that prayer. It was a relief, a plea, that God might take me away any night, and I’d be in a better place forever.
I’ve always had pretty severe mental health issues, and considered the onset of my suicidal tendencies to be ~7y/o, but today, I realized there’s never been a time I was just a happy kid. I’ve been romanticizing the daydream that all of my suffering would end One Day Soon since I was old enough to speak and remember that prayer.
It makes me kind of sad that even though my disabled, single mother fought for our lives and did everything she could for me, even taught me a prayer to 1. protect my life and 2. Protect my soul if my life was too much to ask… and yet all my days I’ve been wishing, *praying* away the life she was so afraid to lose.
My mom used to tell me that when I was only four, I used to cry and say, “I just miss the good old days.” I can only assume those Good Old Days were a time between birth and 4 when her arms still had the ability to carry me, my chronic nightmares hadn’t started, and meals were guaranteed. I have no memory now of such a time. I hope I didn’t hurt her too much by showing my misery.
I don’t know why I’m saying any of this. I guess it was just a stark realization and I need to shout it into the void.
SUICIDE INDICATORS (TW)
Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. As I am writing this, many beings are thinking about ending their journey, for one reason or the other. Suic*** has been normalized when happening in certain contexts and forgotten about in many others. The truth is that, for a horrible amount of individuals, the reason was society. It is important to understand that we are all here in the same way, but we are not as strong to take it all in and move on. That's why we need to be respectful and caring towards others. One day it could be you, and it may be for a different reason, but you'd want someone to show you their heart.
You are needed. You are wanted. You are loved. If you are looking for a sign, this is it. You are important and I appreciate your existence. Earth wouldn't be the same without you. Please keep going. You can do it. You are awesome. Show your light. Stay.
The Indicators Project seeks to provide validation to those that have been through the situations and conditions described, as well as to bring awareness to many different issues and ways of being that are usually undervisibilized, misunderstood or unspoken due to still being some sort of taboo.
Indicators should never be used as a tool for self-diagnosis nor against yourself or others in any way, shape or form. Having one single indicator does not mean you will experience the situation described, specially if you never have before. Do not take this as a life sentence but rather as an explanation of the possibility of experiencing something. Use it the events in your journey through a wider perspective.
The ultimate purpose of Indicators is to be eventually used as a tool for prevention and self-awareness by all beings. Indicators signal the likelihood for situations, events, conditions and decisions. There are more indicators that need to be found, so researchs remain open forever. If you would like to participate in this or any other research as a volunteer, write an e-mail with the Subject 'Research Volunteer' to ancientastarwis@gmail.com I'm currently researching many different things so don't be afraid to reach out and introduce yourself. Feel free to tell me your story and as much (or little) details as you wish. Thank you for being you.
genuinely thought i was going to die today. in the moment i thought it might happen , i felt this awkward mix of terror and peace. if it were to have happened idk. though i’m glad i got out safe, i still kinda hoped i could’ve gone
