Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,

twinkle twinkle little star,

how i wonder what you are

it’s a flaming ball of gas,

learn some science you dumbass

It’s hard to imagine that Carl Sagan could ever be evil, but perhaps in some parallel universe, this is exactly how it would go …

If you wish to destroy the universe, start with the pie, my friend …

From the always entertaining Sci-ənce comic, illustrated by the delightfully evil Maki Naro.

So there’s a read aloud function on my Kindle, so I thought it would be funny to turn it on and hear this in its robotic voice.

I was wrong.

It wasn’t funny.

It was hilarious.

JUST CLICK PLAY OK.

And I hope my laughter isn’t too loud.

Since last we parted, ‘cross Russia I’ve traveled— From west to the east, and my heart’s still unravelled. I’ve had women in Moscow, Irkutsk, and in Perm, But my poor broken heart remains cold and infirm. I’ve swum every river, trekked trails south to north And realize I love you: second, third, first and fourth. My sorrows are as deep as the Volga runs wide. Hey baby, it’s cold out, won’t you just come inside? My muscles are strong. And my dacha? Divine. So this Vladentine’s Day, won’t you K G B-mine? Happy Vladentines Day! (full credit to grabthegusto for this discovery)

Eventually whenever Pavlov heard a bell ring he had an uncontrollable urge to feed a dog.