Tw Trauma Vent

tw trauma vent

You sick bastard, I was SIXTEEN.

I was still a kid! Yeah, I was already pretty messed up, that doesn't give you ANY right to put your GODDAMN HANDS on me! You had NO FUCKING RIGHT to hold me down and do what you did. You KNEW what that would do, you knew for a fucking FACT that what you did would break me. What you said to me the first time still sticks with me to this day. Your words haunt my nightmares.

"Stop struggling, Tommy."

Those three little words are not all you said to me, but those were the ones that stuck in my head the most. Those words and your voice still follow me, along with the memory of you pinning my wrists to the ground while I begged you to stop. My mind goes fuzzy after that, but I know what you did.

Somehow, the aftermath was almost worse. Knowing what you'd done to me. Knowing I'd have to look my father in the eyes, knowing I'd have to talk to my brothers, knowing I'd hug my best friend, all while having to act like you didn't completely RUIN me. I could barely even look at anyone. I didn't want them to see how absolutely fucked up I was. Every single night I'd pray to god and beg for forgiveness for what you did to me. I felt that because YOU had made me dirty, that meant I was ruined forever and needed to pray for myself to rid my body of your imprint. I was dirty, stained, tainted. I myself was the sin you committed.

FUCK.

I’m sad. I feel like shit. I don’t believe in anything I’ve ever done, I’ve never thought I was worth much, I didn’t think I’d even see my eighteenth birthday. Everything that happened still haunts my every waking and sleeping moment. And I hate it, but mostly I hate myself.

That’s it, no punchline.

tw vent

How did you keep going when I asked you,

no,

BEGGED you

to stop?

How did you keep going?

How did my cries and the crack in my voice

not make you feel guilty?

How did you hear my pain

knowing you caused ALL of it,

and not fucking stop?!

What the HELL?!

Uhh I think I'm asexual and am having a crisis about it

anyway have a nice day

[ID text — i begged God to save me and he shoved more torment down my throat to keep me quiet]

I’m sorry they made it out of wHAT NOW-

A chandelier made of bones, Sedlec Ossuary, Czechia, 2005