Sa Vent - Tumblr Posts

tw trauma vent

You sick bastard, I was SIXTEEN.

I was still a kid! Yeah, I was already pretty messed up, that doesn't give you ANY right to put your GODDAMN HANDS on me! You had NO FUCKING RIGHT to hold me down and do what you did. You KNEW what that would do, you knew for a fucking FACT that what you did would break me. What you said to me the first time still sticks with me to this day. Your words haunt my nightmares.

"Stop struggling, Tommy."

Those three little words are not all you said to me, but those were the ones that stuck in my head the most. Those words and your voice still follow me, along with the memory of you pinning my wrists to the ground while I begged you to stop. My mind goes fuzzy after that, but I know what you did.

Somehow, the aftermath was almost worse. Knowing what you'd done to me. Knowing I'd have to look my father in the eyes, knowing I'd have to talk to my brothers, knowing I'd hug my best friend, all while having to act like you didn't completely RUIN me. I could barely even look at anyone. I didn't want them to see how absolutely fucked up I was. Every single night I'd pray to god and beg for forgiveness for what you did to me. I felt that because YOU had made me dirty, that meant I was ruined forever and needed to pray for myself to rid my body of your imprint. I was dirty, stained, tainted. I myself was the sin you committed.

FUCK.

tw vent

How did you keep going when I asked you,

no,

BEGGED you

to stop?

How did you keep going?

How did my cries and the crack in my voice

not make you feel guilty?

How did you hear my pain

knowing you caused ALL of it,

and not fucking stop?!

What the HELL?!

And also b4 i told my bsf i told my cousin and i said he told me that he was 16 and she was like "oh he tells you that he's 16 but hes actually 35" like it would be ok if he was 16

So that also makes me kinda mad

Im pretty sure ive already talked abt this but idk so um here i am

TW

So one day i was with my friend (a) and we were playing a game. A asked if i knee what omegle was, and i said yes, but i never went on there. A ieot bugging me to do it and i finally gave in that night i went on omegle. I put my interests and all that stuff and then i stumbled upon this 1 guy who was supposedly 16. He seemed pretty nice, and asked me if i hade discord. I did, and we coudnt talk bc we didnt have our users right. Then he asked if i had snapchat, and then i downloaded it and friended him. He startsd saying some weird stuff and i got suspicious. It was somehting like this:

Him Me

Are u bored

Yea

I can make u feel rly good

Um

Just leave yourself to me

Dude stop i know what ur doing

Just leave urself to me

.

Um

Fine ig

Sent me hot to go next

Umwhat

( he keeps saying "send hot to go next and idk what he means)

(Then i finally get it)

Um no

Stop

Just leave urself to me

.

Can i not show my face

Ofc

*sends*

(I started feeling weird from this point on)

R u alone

Um no

Do you have a room

Yea

Go to ur room and lock the door

No

Just leave urself to me

.

Fine

Done

(I didnt actually go in my room, but from here on i started asking a discord server 4 help an dthey were like what but they were talking to someone else and were talking to me like i was a dumbass)

( but a little while after i started taking pictures and asking my only online friend 4 help and sending them pics of the chat)

*on discord*

Help .

What?

Um..

*1 pic of him telling me to send him "hotpic"*

(Anyways she helps me)

And he also tells me to take my shirt off idk if i said this already

I cried 4 like 2 hrs after

Anyways i told my friend abt it and she said ayo and laughed.

So um yea ive been keeping that to muself untill now.

On thw beight side, now i troll 35 year old men into thinking im 20 and then trying to look h*rny and then i leave.

So um yea moral of the story is that everyone on omegle is a 35 year old man looking to hook up with someone.

Ill add tags later

Tw: slight mention of sa and sh

How often do I have to say no until you accept it?? How fucking often? Because I said it so many times, stop it. No. No. Nonononono. Why do you keep going? Why can't you just leave me alone? I am just trying to exist!

Why is it so terrible hard to just exist? Why is always everyone trying to make it so much worse? I just want to relapse. I just want to cut myself open. I want to see the blood. I want to feel the pain. I just want to stop thinking.

Is it so bad? Is it so bad that I am trying to survive? To shut my brain up? Is it so bad that I am not able to stop?

Tw: mention of sa

The cousin that sexually assaulted me between the ages of 6 and 10 is back in the country. I am so scared and I probably have to see him next weekend...

I don't want to see him. I don't think I can. I have to act normal and like nothing ever happend while I get flashbacks of him doing all of it.

I can't stand the nightmares and flashbacks anymore, I just want to forget and be safe.

I don't want to relive him forcing himself onto me. I don't want to feel this helpless and weak again.

I need to get stronger. I need to be able to defend myself...

Tw: sa and rape

No, because why does a fucking language trigger me just because he speaks it. Why?

Why does long blond hair trigger me? Why does the mention of a whole country just because he lives there??

Fuck this. Why does a staircase trigger me? My aunts house? Seeing my little cousins grow up? Cold blue eyes?

Everything that reminds me of him. The way he forced himself onto me. I just want to forget it

I don't want to get flashbacks and nightmares and all that ahit just because of this one man that couldn't keep his hands of a 6 year old.