Horatio: How Do You Cope?Hamlet: Well, I Started Off By Writing Dark Poetry, And Then Worked My Way Up

Horatio: How do you cope? Hamlet: Well, I started off by writing dark poetry, and then worked my way up to hand-sewing perfect doll replicas of my tormentors, then placing each doll in a pentagramic circle before stabbing out their eyes in a ritualized fire ceremony. Ophelia: Wow, Hamlet. That’s kinda fucked up. Hamlet: It gets worse.

Hamlet after his soliloquy in act 2.2:

Hamlet: And I have a guacamole ball

Horatio: That is an avocado.

Ophelia (left) breaking up with Hamlet (right):

Shakespeare characters as random things in my notes app

Lady Macbeth: It was so cunt of him to die

Hamlet, talking about Claudius: He looks like his hairline got a restraining order from his forehead.

Also Hamlet: After I found out I had a silly little mental disorder, I was like, “what if I went to England?”

Mercutio, angrily: If I was a shark, I would eat Tybalt.

Hamlet, with an idea for a play: I say, “beef jerky.” The camera pans to you, saying “No! Please no!” Then it pans back over to me. I am beef jerky.

Hamlet, with another idea for a play: I’m gonna write a one-act comedy of The Last Supper. Yes, “Judas, you’ve been awfully quiet.”

Laertes, to the tune of Creep by Radiohead: 🎶 I’m a crêpe 🎶

More to come.

Hamlet: Sometimes, I scare myself with my ambition.