And Yet I Seek To Be Fulfilled

and yet I seek to be fulfilled

because they have told me I am not,

as though they have hollowed me out,

and left me insatiable,

or

taught me to crave things things

that will never leave me full

and,

unleashed me on a path

farther away from the parts of me

they gutted

~midnight reflection on seeking sucsess~

I am too wild to be tamed by a poem. Write me into symphony of the wind. Paint me into the hues of the stormy sky. Love me like a raging sea.

And it was me.

Who held me as I fell apart at 2 am.

And it was me.

Who hunted you down for the pieces of my heart that you had taken with you.

And it was me.

Who pulled me back from the brink.

Every. Time.

And it was me.

Who was there for me when no one else was.

And I may not have liked it.

But.

I was there.

It was me.

And it will always be.

Hey! I was wondering if it’s ok if I made art inspired by your poems? Which by the way are absolutely incredible!

HI! HELLO!! YES!? I would love it if you tagged me when you posted the art so I can see it! Or if you wanted to reblog the poem that inspired the piece and include the art in your reblog so anyone who comes across my writing can also appreciate your beautiful art!

Thank you so much once again, this means so much to me. I feel like creating art that inspires other art is the peak level of being an artist. I am so glad you felt inspired by it ❤

I read somewhere once that the heart exists in the ribcage because it is a wild beast of a thing. But I think the writer did forget the existence of the lungs here too. And i do beileve that the rib cage exists to maintain our mortality.

Because I am sure, if it did not limit the expansion of my lungs, I may be tempted to inhale so much of you that I am pulled off my feet. That I am pulled into the fading colors of the day's sky, destined to float here for an eternity. My mortality drifting away on the wind and washed away with the rain. Never needing to inhale again. Never needing to breathe you out. Your presence within me as sustenance

And yet the ribcage does exist to maintain our mortality. And so i hold you close. Inhale the scent of you. Over and over. Praying the shape of you may yet imprint on the inside of my lungs. Kiss you as though you were air and I may yet find a way to keep the essence of you bottled within me for the days I am breathless.

I don't have a bucket list but I think we all have things we want to do eventually before the end.

Before my end I want to be happy for a month straight. Not a single bad day. By which I do not mean bad things do not happen but rather that I do not let them take from my joy. No sobs muffled in pillow cases because of broken promises I let break me. No unfolded laundry that spurs a shouting match with my father out of nowhere. No fretting over the reflection in the foggy mirror after a shower or scolding myself for too much time spent in bed. I just want to be happy. I just want to let myself be happy.

Before the end I want to confess my unrequited love for someone expecting nothing in return. Just because I can.

But before the end I want to experience the miracle of reciprocation too. I want to be loved and love in the same breath. I want to hold someone and be held and exhale the fear of judgment in their presence. I want someone to see the parts of me I hide even from myself and say nothing. Just hold me. Because before the end I want to be so in love with someone who loves me back words are beyond us.

Before the end I want to spend a night in which I do not come home. Maybe I walk along the pier till dawn or drive nowhere until I am somewhere or dance until it is just her smile and the ringing in my ears. I want to dance in the rain. Not a drizzle but a downpour. And sing a song out of tune and do it for no one but myself and the girl I used to be.

Before the end I want to grieve a loss so deeply I am split clean two. I want to fracture and shatter a hundred times over. Before the end I want to heal. Not all the way. Not perfectly. But enough so my scars spell out that I have lived. That I have lived a life that could have broken me, but didn't.

Before the end I want to forgive my mother.

Before the end I want to be forgiven.

Before the end I want to find god or make peace with his absence or find purpose.

I want to show a child they are loved until they believe it.

Before the end I want to go to Germany.

I want to learn to cook.

I want to learn how to ride and bike.

And maybe swim if I have time.

But we don't always have time,

And thats okay.

Before the end I want to tear down whatever wall remains between me and loving myself as much as my sister loves me. I want to take a road trip up north to see the sky melt into streaks of green and blue lights with my cousins.

I want to read a tale of two cities and understand it. I want to learn a language or a skill or how to meditate or something that takes discipline.

Before the end I want to say something. I want to stand up in front of a crowd, just once, and have them listen. Have them hear what I have to say. Before the end I want to have something worth saying.

Before the end I want to accept that it's not my fault but other things might be, and that is okay. None of us are faultless in this life. Before the end I want to sit with my guilt by a river. Set it on the water. Let it go. Because it has no more use of me. And I have no more use of it.

Before the end, I want to write something that someone will hold in their heart for the rest of their life even after I am gone.

Even after I am gone.

Before the end I want to cease fearing being forgotten.

Before the end I want to live alone.

Even if it is just for a while

And reconcile with my lost potential

And realize that its okay

That it has always been okay

That it will always find a way to be okay

The End.

- journal prompt used: 5 things on your bucket list