I Want

I want

I want

I want

Hands

Palms

Fingertips

I want them

On all the softest parts

Of me

I want them

On my cheek

In my hair

On my hips

I want them

On my chest

Where the flesh

Is thinnest

Between this world

And my heart

I want

Hands

In mine

Fingertips

Along my spine

Palms

Doing what they do best

Holding

I want

Hands

I want

To be

Held

- "what do you want from me?"

most dreams are forgotten

(flavors: red wool, swollen eyes, unrequited love)

About:

It is almost father’s day and this year I have realized I was never the child he wanted. The open slices in my skin turning to fights and mud puddles and strawberry juice that dries on my hands like ink.

When you look at me, will you still see your child once I am covered in someone else’s blood and hanging by my neck from the chandelier in our favorite restaurant? Once my hair is long enough to braid and my eyes are no longer swollen from sleepless nights reciting the copy of Ovid I smuggled out of the library by candlelight.

I have been in love with a boy since 10th grade and he still thinks I see him as a brother. I draw him when he thinks I’m not looking when it is just me and a piece of charcoal and the way I see his smile. But he only sees the girls with auroral eyes and birthstone chokers, the ones who wear leather jackets and laugh like they belong here. I am too full of bones and dirty cheeks and shameful memories. Am too good at spending my lunches in the bathroom, holding my breath when the door opens to smother my tears.

Last night I dreamt I belonged to a different body, one that made more sense when standing next to the people I love. On my knees in front of a burning altar of lemon peel and eagle feathers, asking to be reborn as a disciple of Apollo. Something caught up in the wildness of it all, in the way the sun beats like a heart and my throat loosens when I run through the rhododendrons fast enough.

I think the heat has been getting to me lately, making me see lives I could have lived if I had only been brave enough - if he had only loved me for the child I was and not the one he insisted upon.

honestly some of y’all want a significant other so badly and can’t understand why you can’t find one, but have no sense of boundaries or healthy expectations of what a relationship is like. in a committed long-term partnership you get left on read, you wait for texts back, and you can forget about each other when you’re busy. sometimes you fall asleep without saying goodnight and sometimes you’re too caught up to text each other before 6pm. that’s how it is. thinking that you can’t be deeply, beautifully in love and still wait more than “1.75 hours” for a text back is such an unhealthy and unreasonable expectation of what love is, and you shouldn’t be in a relationship if you can’t allow the other person to exist on their own apart from you. if you’re projecting your anxieties and insecurities onto a partner who doesn’t even exist yet, then you aren’t ready for one.

I keep writing of love

But what an imposter I am

For what do I know of love?

Of being held?

Of being desired?

But I suppose I write

Of love

And it's unbecoming

Of ache

Of writhing in your own skin with longing

I suppose I write

Of love

And the ugly thing it becomes when night falls and you have nothing to hold but your own inadequate heart

And I think

I know a great deal

Of this

Or atleast

Enough

To write a poem

Or two

I need help <3 I read this quote that went something like "Look at you, writing all the words you want to hear." Or "Look at you, saying all the things you wish would be said to you." But clearly, that's not what the quote said because google is being especially unhelpful. I think it was said by an old author, but I don't know for sure. Does anyone have any idea in the slightest of the quote I might be talking about? :)

And is it not the brightest stars

That burn out the quickest

That birth the most beautiful destructions

- Supernova unbecoming// All the stars are already ghosts// And in this way was Starry Night not an obituary