Wundergeek - Building Rome In A Day - Tumblr Blog

Working on a fic about G'raha and Alisaie falling in lust with each other after G'raha's return from the First, and am amused by where a chain of logic took me. First, my headcanon is that G'raha is trans, as is Alisaie, because if NO ONE is explicitly gay or trans, then anyone can be. No I will not take questions on this point. Second. Transition would have been pretty easy at the Studium. None of the professors give a fuck about your gender as long as your assignments are on time and your research is sourced correctly. So G'raha transitions quickly and seamlessly after arriving in Sharlyan because less time lost to dysphoria = more time for books.

Third. For most trans mascs, T horniness is A Fucking Thing[1]. Unlike Alisaie, who who sucked lots of dick[2] because she liked it, G'raha would have seen this horniness as an imposition. He transitioned so he'd have more time to read, after all.

Fourth. because he's far from the only nerd whose sexuality is "books" at the Studium, G'raha would have ended up with a circle of acquaintances who were willing to discreetly give each other "relief" in the library so they didn't have to interrupt their research.

CONCLUSION. Because G'raha is both a massive overachiever AND a people-pleaser AND a messy bottom, he got really good at letting people fuck his throat.

- - -

[1] I mean, I'm 95% asexual and the T horniness is hitting HARD, which is why I've spent all my time for the past week thinking about G'raha and Alisaie sucking my WoL's dick.

[2] See previous fic: "Shut up and let me suck your dick, already"

New FFXIV fic: Finding G'raha

We sat in silence for a minute, enjoying the view together, before he cleared his throat. "What will you do when this is over?"

"Rest," I said instantly. "I hope," I added much more quietly.

There was a soft, sympathetic snort from beside me.

I decided to turn the question back on him. "What will you do when this is over?"

"When this is over? Indeed." The Exarch repeated, seeming genuinely surprised to be asked such a question. "I once told you there are things we can ill afford to lose. 'Things', I said, though in truth I spoke of a person. One who is unaware of the full extent of my plans. Though they deserve to know, I have good reason to keep my council. I have come to terms with this in my mind, but my heart yearns to lay everything bare. For they are my inspiration, and I would give much and more for the chance to speak with them as friends, with no thought of concealment."

He looked out over the water as he spoke, not meeting my gaze, which was just as well. Because with each word he spoke, I became more certain that my suspicion had been correct. G'raha Tia was the Exarch. 

I didn't know how he'd done it, how he'd even conceived of such a mad plan, but somehow the brilliant and brashly reckless researcher I'd met in Mor Dhona had accomplished a feat far beyond the scope of my wildest imaginings. My chest was suddenly far too small to contain my welter of feelings. Relief that he'd survived. Joy that we'd met again.

"Then, I would ask them about their next adventure," he continued, oblivious to the storm of emotion he'd sparked in me. "And if they should wish me to be a part of it, oh... how happy it would make me. Together, we would travel the lands and cross the seas and take to the skies upon the eternal wind... My heart swells simply to imagine it."

I stared at him, drinking in the sound of his voice like I was hearing it for the first time.

It had taken me so long to see past the devil-may-care attitude he'd cultivated when we met, to recognize him as a kindred spirit that I wanted a deeper connection with, and by then, we were busy preparing our assault on the World of Darkness. I'd naively planned on asking him how he felt when it was all over, only for G'raha to seal himself in the Tower before I thought to say anything.

I'd regretted it ever since. And yet, the Gods had granted me a second chance, because here he was, spilling his heart out to me, clearly feeling the same regret.

Read the whole thing on AO3

That really is how being in your 30s is like 😭

HEADCANON ACCEPTED

My version of the twins (once they are released from their purgatory of forever being teenagers). In my mind the story from ARR to now has taken some 8 years, so they are well into their twenties by now.

How I explained G'raha Tia to a friend the other day

"His backstory is. ...convoluted.

Like. Imagine if Kingdom Hearts made sense.

That level of convoluted.

It's all like. Very logical given the established lore and how shit works. But the place you get to is "my boyfriend has super trauma because he put himself into stasis, woke up in the apocalypse timeline, merged his essence with a magic supercomputer, traveled to an alternate dimension 100 years in the past, and became an immortal but benevolent king so he could prevent the timeline where I died'

Primary side effect of merging his essence with the magic super computer that is made of crystal? He's fucking turning into crystal. And then he sacrifices himself and FULLY CRYSTALIZES.

So then you do some soul magic, go back to your world where he's still in stasis because the apocalypse that woke him up hasn't happened yet, and are like - here have this other version of your soul where you were half crystal and lived a hundred years and experienced the end of the world twice.

And he's like whoa okay. That's fucked up. Not super sure who I am anymore, this is kinda wild. But you don't find out that's what he's thinking until subsequently when you travel to the literal edge of existence and he TRANSFORMS HIMSELF INTO CRYSTAL AGAIN TO SAVE YOU.

And it's just like. G'raha. My guy. I get that you're having a hard time but fucking stop it.

AND ON TOP OF ALL THAT god dammit he's just the fucking most wholesome nerd. Like "I got too excited about books and forgot to eat or sleep for 3 days" nerd.

And there's this WHOLE SPEECH he does when he's still the Crystal Exarch right at the end of Shadowbringers where he's like, what are you going to do when this is all over? And I'm like rest lol. (Yeah right) And he's like - so I've got this friend, and I'm keeping secrets from [insert your pronoun here], but they're fucking rad and I'm hoping sempai will notice me and maybe we could go on an adventure together? And it's SO FUCKING OBVIOUS he's talking ABOUT YOU in an "all right, keep your secrets" kind of way.

EXCEPT THEN YOU FIND OUT THAT HIS BIG MASTER PLAN WAS: get the WoL to kill all the Lightwardens and absorb their light which will save both worlds, but no one person can hold that much light and live, so I'm going to take it from them and then teleport myself INTO THE RIFT BETWEEN WORLDS AND DIE.

And the only reason he doesn't succeed is because HE GETS FUCKING SHOT

So. [ahem] Yes. I think it says a lot about me that I am like. Yes. The nerdy twunk with super trauma who is OBSESSED WITH ME is my boyfriend.

I took GREAT SATISFACTION in dying for him for a hot minute at the end of Endwalker.

One of my two trans BFFs, Phoenix (a fellow trans masc) has said for years that he doesn't understand how anyone could misgender me as female. I love feeling seen, but always found this a bit baffling as 95% of people clock me as AFAB within seconds of seeing me, despite being YEARS into my transition. Last night I finally heard the whole story. Apparently a few years ago, Phoenix forgot I was coming over and did mushrooms. And then we watched Bros, and Phoenix was so struck by my similarities to the main character that he was just like 'wow, Ash is an angry gay man'. And that perception of me stuck so hard that it left no room for literally any other interpretation of me in his brain. So yeah. My friend did shrooms about my gender so hard that he can't remember that there are people who don't perceive me? Which is pretty fucking hilarious.

Me: Hitting refresh every so often on my FFXIV fic about Age Difference Discourse by way of wanting to suck dick, trying to get a screenshot of 69 views

DAMMITTTTTTTT

New FFXIV fic: Shut Up And Let Me Suck Your Dick Already

This started as a short fic about the humor of Alisaie having to browbeat my WoL into letting her suck their dick despite their age difference.

(I am aware the devs claim that everything since 2.0 has happened in less than a year. That is a filthy lie.)

And then somewhere along the way, it morphed into a 4.5K word fic that reflects on the inherent tension between "power imbalances are created by large age gaps in ways that are usually pretty gross " and "saying that 'it is not okay to have large age differences in relationships even when both people are adults' infantalizes people and denies their agency"...

...while still being a fic about wanting to suck dick.

- - -

"Alisaie..." I began, placing a hand on her shoulder. When she didn't shake it off, I drew her into a hug, thinking only to offer comfort.

However, instead of resisting, Alisaie threw her arms around my neck and hauled me into a deep kiss.

It felt like being struck by lightning. I gasped as her lips moved on mine, parted them reflexively when she licked into my mouth. She pulled herself tightly against me and kissed me like I was the only thing keeping her from drowning, and everything fell away but the feeling of her soft lips and our tongues sliding against one another.

I may have moaned in her mouth.

Which may, had it happened, have emboldened her. Or it may have simply been her own initiative that led to her grab my butt.

With a groan, I broke the kiss and held her at arm's length. "We can't do this," I said sternly, even as the sight of her kiss-swollen lips made me want to kiss her more.

Alisaie took this as well as expected, which is to say not well. "Why not?" she demanded, her expression thunderous.

"You're a child." I'd meant to sound implacable. Unyielding. But my voice came out thin and pleading.

"I'm not a child," she shot back heatedly. "For the love of Thaliak, I'll be twenty in a few weeks!"

"That doesn't make it right," I growled. My face was on fire, which I can't imagine helped my argument much. "You're so much younger than me."

Alisaie gave ground - it definitely wasn't a retreat - crossed her arms, and glared at me. "Oh and that makes me too impressionable, does it?" she scoffed. "Do you seriously think you could make me do anything I didn't want to do?"

No. I didn't. But I wasn't going to tell her that.

Alisaie's eyes narrowed. "Tell me you don't want me, and I'll drop it," she said in glacial tones.

Shit. Fuck. Shit. There was no point in denying it - she'd know I was lying. She always knew. "Tesleen is waiting," I finally said helplessly.

Alisaie snorted in satisfaction as she shouldered the bag with our purchases, roundly ignoring my attempt to take the bag myself. "We are not done talking about this," she said, jabbing me in the sternum. Hard.

Read the whole thing on AO3!

No lies detected

"Why do you want to be a boy when you're such a pretty girl?" Why do you want to play another game when you already beat the last one? You fucking casual

Tfw you don't have the energy to write anything new and barely have the energy to edit existing projects for weeks, but then are hit with 10K word of dickspiration all at once

Part 4!

The T horniness is hitting and I'm still processing my feelings about the lack of Mr Potato Head genitals, so... Content note for smut (below the cut), bottom dysphoria and magical HRT

It was early afternoon two days later when Barnabus pecked at the window to signal that he had the first of their deliveries. Dee only paused long enough to grab an enormous handful of peanuts before rushing outside.

A small wooden box was waiting for them on the back step, while Barnabus himself was waiting on a nearby post. Dee gratefully spread Barnabus' payment on the back step. "I owe you big time, bud."

"If you're feeling guilty, I wouldn't say no to honey garlic chicken wings," Barnabus replied hopefully.

Dee, who didn't share Corey's hesitation over feeding his familiar bird meat, nodded. "Done. Any idea when Corey will be back?"

"I gave him a heads up that I was going to pick this up, so... Soon, I'd imagine." With that, the crow flapped down to the step and started shelling his first nut.

Dee took the box inside and set it on the counter.

Inside were three small crystal vials, labeled "top", "bottom", and "drink entire contents upon delivery", along with a thick sealed letter. They removed the last 'drink immediately' vial, taking a moment to admire the way the sparkling green liquid shimmered in the sunlight, before pulling out the stopper and downing the contents in one gulp. The liquid was thick and cool, and tasted of autumn breeze and dappled sunlight.

They waited a few moments, shrugged when nothing perceptible happened, and opened the letter, then hastily shut it a moment later after getting an eyeful of the very detailed and highly erotic illustrations accompanying the instructions.

Dee's face was burning right up to their hairline as they messaged Corey to find them upstairs when he got in.

Keep this box somewhere safe - it's contents will replenish with a new dose once per day.

These potions are keyed to your essence and won't have any effect if, say, a partner happens to accidentally ingest some during application.

Drink the green potion in its entirety. This potion will be the slowest to take effect.

The blue potion (labeled "top") can be applied by yourself or a partner in any way you like. (Suggested methods for application have been included as a reference.) Be sure to cover the entire surface area of the breast and nipple, and rub completely into the skin. Reduction of breast size will be observed within two to three days, and full masculinization will occur within approximately two weeks.

Before first applying the red potion (labeled "bottom"), you will need to shave very thoroughly or wax. (Sorry.) This potion will: (1) grow the clitoris into a phallus and (2) (optional) close the vaginal opening, transform the labia into a scrotum and testicles, and cause the development of a prostate.

To apply: (1) apply half of the potion to the clitoris and clitoral hood, and rub in completely then (2) apply remaining potion vaginally - which can be accomplished via a partner's penis, analogous penetrating organ, or sex toy if desired. Alternately, you may apply to the clitoris only until you have a phallus that you are happy with, then re-assess your desires. (Some patients do decide to retain the vaginal opening.)

---

Dee had shaved in the shower and was toweling off when Corey tapped on the bathroom door. "Is that you in there, Dee?"

"Give me a second and I'll meet you in the bedroom," they called back. "And. Uh. You can read the letter on the bed."

A minute later, Dee slipped into their bedroom in just their towel and found Corey sitting on the edge of the bed. His expression was almost comically serious as he studied the pornographic instructional illustrations with his typical intensity.

"So." Dee felt acutely self-conscious as they sat next to him.

Corey looked up at them with his eyebrows raised. "Two questions, I guess. First, do you want to do both of these, uh, bottom application options? Or do you want to start with the first and see how you feel about the second?"

Dee chewed self-consciously on their lip. "Can we... I mean, this is stupid maybe but can we have this conversation while we're both naked? This feels weirdly unbalanced when you're..." they trailed off as they gestured to their partner's heavy autumn clothing.

"Not weird at all," Corey said, his eyes twinkled with good humor as he leaned forward to give them a slow, lingering kiss that set their nerves aflame.

Dee stood to let their towel fall to the floor, then watched with lascivious interest as Corey stripped, revealing the muscular frame of someone who had been seriously lifting for many years. When he was finished undressing, he resumed his place on the edge of the bed, then reached out to pull Dee into sitting sideways on his lap.

They were predictably distracted by a sudden wave of arousal. "Sorry. I'm afraid you'll need to remind me what that first question was."

Corey smiled smugly at the effect he always had on them. "Do you want both bottom applications? Or do you just want to do the first?"

"Would you... I mean... How would you feel about fucking me, if..." Dee had to stop, gather their composure, and try again. "Anal sex can take. Like. More preparation? And we've never talked about it, so is that something you could be... in to?"

"You shouldn't make decisions about your transition based on what I would or wouldn't like," Corey said slowly. "But... I've been attracted to men before, even if I've never been with a cis man. And it really doesn't make a difference to me. I'd still be more than happy to fuck you anally."

Dee decided to move off his lap and onto the bed so that they could think without the distracting influence of his nudity, and Corey stretched out next to them to wait patiently while they interrogated their feelings. Which, thankfully, were much clearer than they had expected.

"I think... I like knowing that it's an option, that there are people who choose not to do both, because it feels better knowing that there was more than one option, and that I'm not just choosing a binary option because I have to. But. I want to do both."

Corey's answering smile was gentle, tender, and so, so soft. "Okay. Now." His smile took on a mischievous edge as he nodded at the papers still lying at the end of the bed. "Do you want to be clinical about this? Or do you want the horny option?"

Dee grinned. "You know me. I'll always choose horny if that's an option. But however we do it, I don't think I could handle my clit being fingered."

"Fair." Corey sat up to retrieve the instructions. He pulled out the second page and turned it toward them, revealing a set of luridly detailed illustrations that accompanied the instructions for 'administration via a partner's penis or analogous penetrating organ'. "We could try this?"

Dee couldn't help but blush as they scanned through that section. "I mean. Looks good to me."

Corey retrieved both vials and handed the red one to Dee, keeping the blue one for himself. "Do you want me lying down or sitting up?"

"Sitting up."

With a nod, Corey piled some pillows against the headboard, then scooted back until he was sitting with his back supported. He invoked the bond as Dee moved to straddle him, then removed the stopper on the blue vial. After studying it for a moment, he poured its contents onto his hands, then rubbed them together before covering their small breasts with his large hands. The potion felt warm and oily against their skin as Corey slowly massaged it in, paying more attention to their nipples than was strictly necessary.

Dee took a moment to enjoy the sensation, then followed suit by uncorking their own vial and applying the glittering, ruby-red contents to Corey's now fully hard cock. Then, before they could get distracted by his feelings, they gingerly spread their lips and began to grind their labia against his now slickened length.

Having to hold themself spread open made it impossible to lose themself in what Corey was feeling. But feeling Corey's length slide against them this way was a new sensation without any unpleasant gendered associations, and it helped that Corey was clearly deriving great pleasure from it.

"If you like rubbing our dicks together, it'll only get easier when yours gets bigger," he said unexpectedly, already breathless with desire.

For a moment, Dee felt as if their world tilted sideways, as Corey's words helped them make the leap from rubbing their clit against his dick, to frotting their dicks together, and the corresponding jolt of arousal felt like getting hit by lightning. "Oh my god," they moaned, grinding against his cock even harder.

"Imagine when you're big enough to fit in my hand," Corey continued huskily. "When I can wrap my hand around both our dicks. And you can rub against me while you fuck into my hand."

"Oh my god, yes." Dee had to make a concerted effort to stop. They could have come from the frotting alone, but since a medicinal fuck was still required...

The pleasure Corey felt as they engulfed him was warm and intense, but the strangeness of the situation made it too difficult to lose themself in his feelings.

Corey, attuned to them as ever, leaned forward. "Just stay like this a minute," he murmured against their lips before he drawing them into a deep lingering kiss.

They moaned as he sucked their tongue into his mouth even as he continued working the blue potion into their breasts. A minute later, he broke the kiss, and they both looked down to see that it had vanished completely.

Dee blinked. "Huh."

"I've got an idea for how to help your dysphoria here." Corey nodded at the bedside table. "Get me the lube?"

Dee obliged, and Corey squeezed a bit onto the pad of his thumb. "I won't finger you," he said reassuringly as he positioned his thumb against their... against the head of their dick. "But. I thought, if you can rub your dick against me while you're fucking me..."

Dee blinked, then nodded and started to ride him slowly. It took a minute for Corey to find the best angle for his thumb, but when he did pleasure exploded through every nerve in their body.

"God yes," they hissed as they picked up the pace, feeling fully grounded in themself and their own body for the first time in a long time as they slammed themself down onto his cock. "Tell me..." Dee gasped, unable to find the words to complete the sentence.

Corey spoke, his voice low and urgent as he trembled on the brink and still made the effort to verbalize what they needed to hear. "Fuck my hand with your dick, baby."

Dee nearly shrieked with the force of their orgasm, frantically grinding their dick against Corey's thumb as he clutched at their hip and pounded up into them with his own release.

Then, when the storm had passed, they pulled off of him and collapsed forward to sob in his arms.

(Read from the beginning on AO3)

So I started writing a short fic about how Alisaie had to browbeat my Warrior of Light into letting her suck their dick despite their age difference...

(I am aware that the devs claim that everything from 2.0 through Dawntrail has taken less than a year, and I call bullshit. That is dev laziness, pure and simple. You can't tell me I ended a 1000 year war, liberated two nations on different continents from their colonial oppressors, traveled to an alternate dimension to prevent a future where you died, went to the moon and the literal edge of existence to stop the end of the world, and traveled the length and breadth of the fantasy equivalent of North and South America... All in less than one year. No. Absolutely not. No way.)

And now I am 3000 words into writing a fic that reflects on the inherent tension between 'power imbalances are created by large age gaps in ways that are usually pretty gross " and "saying that 'it is not okay to have large age differences in relationships even when both people are adults' infantalizes people and denies their agency"...

That is also about wanting to suck dick.

when i forget to log into ao3 and i have to click proceed to see an adult fic, i actually get a kick out of it. like i am an old timey queen and my bard is apologetic: “gentle lady, dicks doth touch in this next ballad. would you prefer another?” and i give him a gesture of command like, “nay, you may proceed, minstrel. bring forth the tale of dicks”

Gay

Snippet from my queer polyamorous romance novel, Community Witch - an unapologetically trope-y, cozy, and relationship-driven romance story about the healing from trauma, found family, and joyful queer relationships. (Looking to publish next year.) --- As they drifted back to Nat’s car, the anxiety beast clawed its way back with a vengeance, keeping Aspen from working up the nerve to take Nat’s hand. What if they had misread Nat’s interest? What if all she wanted was to be friends? Surely it couldn’t be this easy the second time around? It was only when they pulled up in front of their house that Aspen managed to wrestle their anxiety down enough to blurt out the question that had been burning in their mind the entire night.

“Was this a date?”

Nat smiled, as calmly unflappable as ever, and cocked her head. “Did you want it to be?” she asked softly.

Aspen felt their face grow suddenly, painfully warm and nodded, unwilling to trust their voice. Nat’s smile grew, and Aspen’s breath hitched as she slowly took their hand and stroked their palm with her thumb. “Then yes, it was a date.” She leaned forward slowly, looked down at their lips, then back up into their eyes. “Can I kiss you goodnight?”

Part 3 of What If... is up

In which I write fic of my own characters before the actual project they come from is published... Partly because I want to work through some Personal Trans Shit, but partly because I want to write wish fulfilment fantasy about magical HRT and trans enby porn.

From Chapter 3:

Unsure of the etiquette, Dee swept into a low bow. "Lady Eachna, I presume."

"No need for that," she said, rising gracefully from the desk. Eachna gestured toward a pair of chairs in the corner, taking one for herself while Dee awkwardly took the other. "Any friend of Sebastian's is a friend of mine. Now. I understand you're having trouble with options for gender transition that are being compounded by the human world's strict gender binary?"

Dee blinked, surprised to hear their problem so accurately summarized by a stranger. "I mean. Yeah. That's... yeah."

"So. Tell me more about that. What are you looking for, specifically?"

When Dee blushed and looked at their feet, Eachna smiled reassuringly. "I promise, whatever you may think, nothing you say could shock or disgust me. For one, I'm old. Far, far older than I look. Certainly old enough to have seen pretty much everything.

"For another, most fae see gender as a game that you play, not a thing that you are. Not having a binary gender, or having a gender that changes over time is extremely common here, and as a healer, I see those seeking changes that go deeper than mere illusion all the time.

"Lastly, I want to help because I owe your partner a debt. I don't like debts, so helping you is something that benefits both of us. So feel free to be brutally frank about what you need."

Part 1 here

Part 2, with that Good Trans Wish Fulfilment Smut here

New non-binary junk options just dropped. Eldritch horror concrete bench is weirdly aspirational tbh

YOUR NSFW MC

Tag #dereliction_nsfw or @dereliction-if to get reblogged

Pretty sure the definition of hell is re-writing a time skip scene.

[waves shyly] working on several queer romance projects rn and am getting into posting things here and AO3.

hello, do you have any recs for other writeblrs to follow, especially if their wip's are targeted at adults and include queer characters/romances?

gosh, it feels like it's been a Hot Second since i've been an active part of a writeblr community like we had in its heyday but off the top of my head in no particular order: @ghostcasket (naturally) @reininginthefirewriting, @writeblrfantasy, @magic-is-something-we-create, @magnus-sm-writes,

@ashen-crest, @abalonetea, @howdywrites, @yvesdot, @albatris,

@carnivalls, @zmwrites, @mjjune, @moonshinemagpie, @badscientist,

and others i am 100% forgetting at the moment (please use this post to rec others and if i remember any more i'll add them in reblogs!).

(does anyone know where @fortunatetragedy went??)

Yesterday: THREE WEEKS ON T WHY NO SHOULDER GROWTH????

Today: (puts on shirt, sleeves are borderline too tight) ....huh

INCREDIBLE

10 years ago, I really enjoyed urban fantasy where the vibe was "every mythical creature is real, but the myths got a lot of stuff wrong", but got to the point where most urban fantasy was too grimdark for me to read when everything in the world is, like, actively on fire.

And then I got, like, SUPER into cozy fantasy TTRPGs. So when I started writing my first queer romance novel it seemed really natural to make the setting "urban fantasy, but make it cozy". And honestly, it's been such a jam riffing on all my favorite folklore. Like:

What if witch was a job that you could have, and witching was publicly funded and had its own governing body, and you could go to witch school and become a registered witch?

What if your mail carrier was a demon, but hell was just a place people are from sometimes, like Mississauga, that is crappy so people want to leave? But the stigma against demons means he's too afraid to act on his crush on the trans guy who owns the local cafe?

What if there was a bargheist hanging around, but he was just a big scary doggo who was looking for someone to take him in?

What if the Seelie and Unseelie Courts were two different flavors of assholes and lots of fae from both Courts slum it in the mortal realm so they don't have to deal with 200 year old beef about That Minorly Inconvenient Thing That Happened at a Party?

What if Baba Yaga was sighted on hiking paths in a tourist town and the local witch had to put up signs saying "DO NOT TAKE SELFIES WITH THE CHICKEN HUT"?

I'm having a fucking blast, tbh, especially with the fae, since it's a chance to write real fucking weird perspectives on gender (which makes me happy as a trans nb).

It’s reverse worldbuilding Wednesday!! Writers, come into my inbox and tell me about your worldbuilding!! Doesn’t matter what it is, I would love to hear it!

What If... Part 2 (blatant Trans Wish Fulfilment Smut)

Working through Personal Trans Shit with fanfic of my own characters from a project I haven't published yet. Smutty smut under the cut. Content note for bottom dysphoria.

Kissing, as it usually did, led to other things. (Even after more than two years together Corey and Dee still struggled to keep their hands off one another when given the opportunity.) Corey was almost unbearably sweet as he undressed Dee, asking if they'd wanted to leave their binder on (they didn't) and urging them to tell him if something felt wrong.

However, while Dee wouldn't have said that anything felt wrong, exactly, neither did it feel right. Corey was doing all the things that used to drive them wild, but the physical sensations felt as if they were coming from a million miles away. As if they were happening to someone else. Their body gasped and moaned at his touch, but it didn't feel like it meant anything.

Corey's tongue was warm and wet as he lapped at their clit, but Dee found themself reaching for their bond, for the feeling of Corey's cock, which was hard, throbbing, and entirely too untouched for Dee's liking, as he was entirely focused on them at the moment.

What was wrong with them? Why couldn't they just enjoy this?

When the answer hit a moment later, Dee felt as if all the air had been knocked from their body. They weren't enjoying it because they... didn't want to be doing it. This. Because what they wanted...

Their brain struggled to complete the sentence as Corey's hand teasingly brushed the inside of their thigh, then slowly traveled upward.

What they wanted--

...his fingers gently stroked the outer edge of their labia, before...

What they really wanted--

...he slid two fingers into them, and--

And they couldn't bear it, couldn't stand the way it took them out of focusing on what he felt and how it reminded them of what they didn't have. Because what they wanted was for Corey to touch himself, to feel second-hand through their bond what he felt with a hand wrapped around his dick. They wanted to come from feeling his pleasure, because they couldn't feel their own anymore.

"Stop," Dee gasped, bursting into tears.

Corey stopped immediately, and the sense of shared awareness faded as Corey lost his concentration. Dee felt that loss of sensation almost as keenly as they felt the pain of realizing that they didn't want to be touched - all of which was wrapped up with intense self-disgust. They curled into a tiny ball of shame and sobbed, feeling as if their world was coming apart at the seams.

"Hey. Hey, now." Corey's voice was soft and low as he wrapped himself around them. "You didn't do anything wrong, okay? So just breathe."

Dee tried to do as he said, but they were powerless against the tremors wracking them. "I wanted to like it. I used to like it so much."

"You can't force yourself to like something," Corey said firmly. "And you shouldn't try."

"But I don't want to hate having sex with you," Dee all but wailed.

Corey hesitated. "I... Obviously I can't know what you're feeling. But I promise you that we'll get through this, okay? However you feel right now isn't the way it's going to be forever."

Dee laughed despite themself. "You can't know that," they hiccuped.

"Yes I can," Corey shot back, a smile audible in his voice. "You know how stubborn I can be about pointless stuff. Imagine how much more stubborn I can be about something that really matters to me."

Again, Dee laughed, then shuddered as they were able to take one shaky breath. Then another.

"Good." Corey kissed the back of their neck. "Now. Talk to me?"

"It's probably weird, but it's like... my body is reacting like I'm enjoying myself, but I can't connect with it, because I..." Dee had to struggle to force the next word out. "Hate. Not having a dick. And when you touch me like that, I can't... I can't not think about how much I hate it."

Corey was quiet for a long moment, and Dee could feel him probing tentatively at the edge of their feelings. "You've been having these feelings for a long time, haven't you?" He finally asked. When Dee nodded miserably and tried to curl up even more, he wrapped his arms tightly around their waist. "You're okay. I'm not upset."

"It's not you! It's me! It's everything I grew up with telling me that I'm gross, and awful, and disgusting. And the Pope saying I'm a fucking war crime for having those feelings."

"Okay. Well. Can you turn and look at me here?"

Grudgingly, Dee uncurled and turned over so they could see Corey's face.

"You're not a war crime," he said sternly. "And I don't think you're gross and disgusting. Obviously. So. Set those feelings to the side for now and talk to me about this dysphoria. How did all this start, and where are you now? I want to understand so I can help you better."

Dee nodded and wiped their eyes as they consulted their feelings and tried to put them into something resembling a logical order. "I didn't realize until... pretty recently that what I was feeling was dysphoria," they said slowly. "Because it just started as thinking. You know. Wouldn't it be hot to have a dick? When you do that thing where you turn on Feelings Sharing, I liked feeling how you felt when I touched your dick. And, God, I liked feeling what it felt like when you fucked me. And for a long time that's all it was. Thinking about what it would be like to have a dick, but being fine with not having one.

"Until it started becoming... not fine. So I just... started focusing more on you and less on me when we had sex. And then finally, a couple days ago, I realized that I couldn't come at all anymore unless I was focusing on what you felt and pretending that you were me. And that's when the wheels started coming off the bus."

Corey's expression was gentle as he tangled his fingers through Dee's hair. "That's why you've been mostly wanting me to fuck you these last few months?"

Dee cringed. "I could tell you liked feeling what I felt, and I told myself what I was doing wasn't any different. Because acknowledging how I felt would have meant doing something about it, and I was scared. And ashamed."

"Okay. Well. Tomorrow I'm going to talk to Barnabus. Because honestly, that sounds pretty bad, and like something we should take really seriously. And no, I won't mention anything embarrassing. All right?"

Dee nodded, hating the way their lower lip wobbled as they did so.

"Great. In the meantime... what do you want to do right now? Do you want to stop?"

"No," Dee grumped, which earned a confused look from Corey. "I'm just mad that you eating me out is off the table because you're really good at it."

Corey's lusciously thick lips curved into a smile. "Okay, well. Why don't you use our magic while I fuck you, since you said that helps your dysphoria?"

"I mean." Dee bit their lip anxiously. "You're sure it's okay for me to use you like that?"

"Put it this way," Corey said, the love in his big, beautiful brown eyes so intense that Dee wanted to melt right into them. "Your dysphoria is clearly causing you a lot of pain. So given a choice between 'not having sex because it's painful and distressing for you' and 'using our magic to make sex enjoyable and non-dyphoric for you', which do you think I'm going to go with?"

Dee's throat closed again and they had to breathe deeply to fight off yet another wave of tears. "That makes sense," they managed.

"In fact, let's try this. Lie on your back and close your eyes."

Curious to see where he was going with this, Dee complied, and a moment later felt it as Corey invoked the bond between them. (He'd tried before to explain how he'd did it, but his explanations had never made any sense to Dee.)

Corey's voice was low and soothing as he spoke. "You don't have to touch me, okay? And you don't have to think about you. Forget the sheets, forget the pillows, and just focus on what I'm feeling."

Dee breathed slowly as they cataloged the sensations of their own body before setting them aside. They could feel Corey stretched out on the bed next to them, all of his weight on one elbow. His cock was mostly soft, but they could feel his warm rush of arousal as he began to harden again.

"You with me?" he asked quietly as he placed a hand on his cock.

"Yes," Dee groaned.

Corey's rich baritone was playing arpeggios on their spine, even as they could feel his cock hardening further. "There's no you and me like this. We're both me right now, and that's okay, because I want to share this with you. Understand?"

Dee shivered as Corey ran a thumb over the tip of his cock. "Yes."

"Good." Corey took himself in hand. "Now feel your hand wrapped around your cock," he instructed, with only a faint emphasis on the pronouns.

Dee's eyes prickled with unshed tears as the power of that phrase - your cock - sparked something big and powerful and inside them.

"Now feel yourself stroking your cock," Corey continued as he started to do so. Dee focused on the feeling of delicious opposites - the soft skin of his cock against his lightly callused palm, the hardness of it against the fleshy base of his thumb. It was easier like this, they discovered, to feel their own arousal, even as they were focusing on his.

"Do you still want me to fuck you?"

"Yes," Dee gasped.

Corey chuckled as he leaned over to get the lube from the bedside table. A moment later, there was the strangely appealing sensation of Corey applying lube to himself, and then he was on top of them, his weight carefully on his knees and elbows as he gently kissed their forehead. "Do what you need to do," he reminded them. "If that means lying still, then lie still. Whatever you need."

Dee nodded, not trusting their voice.

Corey carefully positioned the head of his cock at their entrance before slowly sliding into them, taking several second to bury himself to the hilt.

Frustratingly, Dee found it difficult to hold onto the idea that they were Corey now that he was inside them. How could they be fucking themself? But somehow, Corey divined the source of their difficulty, and said just the right thing. "You're not fucking you, right now. You're fucking me, because we switched." Slowly, so very fucking slowly he began to withdraw from them. "And I said that was okay. So that makes this your dick, that you're using to fuck me."

That did the trick.

Dee moaned as Corey... as they reversed course and slowly fucked back into Corey. And sure, the analogy didn't totally make sense, but it didn't need to as long as they focused on the feeling of their dick and how incredible it felt thrusting into Corey's wet velvet heat.

"Yes," they whispered. "More. I want to fuck you harder."

Corey groaned, the rush of arousal he felt as he obliged spilling over into Dee, who reveled in the feeling of blood rushing to their already achingly-hard cock. And suddenly, after months of increasingly-maddening struggles to connect their body to their feelings, Dee had what they needed to get out of their own way.

They moaned, and Corey moaned, and they both moaned as Dee fucked Corey. Distantly, somewhere far away, they knew they were crying, their tears leaking down the sides of their face and into their hair, but that was something they could deal with later. Right now all that mattered was the feeling of Corey wrapped around their cock and the slick, incredible friction as they fucked him. They weren't able to last long at all before Corey clenched around them... or they clenched around Corey... it was hard to hold onto the metaphor as their, his cock twitched and spilled into them, and their body writhed underneath him with the power of his, of their mutual, utterly shattering release.

(Read Part 1 on AO3 here)