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We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

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Prompt - ‘So he calls me up and he's like "I still love you".’

Your relationship with Bucky Barnes could be described with many words - messy and toxic were the two most common descriptors. People never knew if you were together or not, your relationship status changing too fast for anybody to keep up. The two of you were as bad as each other and yet you always found your way back to one another no matter how much time had passed.

Despite it being a bad relationship there were some good parts and those were the memories you held close, the memories that kept sending you back to him. You remembered sitting in the movie theatre with Bucky, his arm wrapped around your shoulders pulling you in close as you introduced him to the movies he’d missed out on, whispered words and shared kisses as the movie played on screen. You remembered Bucky’s face as the two of you walked around science museums, Bucky marvelling at the technological advancements. You remembered dancing around the kitchen, the glow of the refrigerator door that had been left open the only source of light in the early morning hours, soft 40s music playing from the record player.

You remembered nights spent up all night worrying about him until you could no longer fight sleep and the absolute joy you felt when you woke up to see him laying next to you. You remembered him waking up in the middle of the night, sweating and panting whilst tears fell from his eyes as new memories from HYDRA resurfaced, you remembered holding him in your arms with his head on your chest, talking for hours until he was able to see past the blur of the Winter Soldier.

There were so many good things to remember that you just wished that it could be like that all the time, you wanted so badly for the fights, the arguments, the screaming to just stop.

But you and Bucky were able to rub each other the wrong way. Nobody made you feel how Bucky Barnes made you feel, never had you felt so happy in your life and never had you felt the need to punch somebody in the face so badly.

“This is it,” You exclaimed, mid argument. You couldn’t even remember what had started this fight, only knew that the two of you were stood in your apartment screaming at each other. “I’ve had enough, just get out!” You said whilst marching to the front door, pulling it open harshly and gesturing for him to leave.

You hadn’t seen him for about a month, he had been on a mission for two weeks and then when he had gotten back he shot you a single text telling you he needed space. Today he finally showed up at your door and things were fine for the first hour but fast as lightening the mood changed.

It always did.

“C’mon doll,” Bucky began but you shook your head, cutting him off.

“Out now.” You said through gritted teeth, watching him roll his eyes but he thankfully did as you said and you took great satisfaction in slamming the door right in his face.

It had been a few weeks since that argument and you hadn’t heard from Bucky since. You were at home when you heard a knock on your door, eyebrows knitting together in confusion as you weren’t expecting anybody.

“Hi baby,” Bucky greeted when you opened the door.

You positioned yourself so you were leaning against the door frame, not quite ready to let him into your apartment yet. You didn’t respond, just raised an eyebrow at him and waited to see what he had to say.

“Listen,” He sighed, “I really miss you and m’sorry for picking a fight with you last time I was here. I won’t do that again, promise.”

With a sigh of your own you nodded your head, letting Bucky slip into your apartment. You knew you were foolish to believe that you and him could work out but there were so many good things that you wanted to hold onto.

However when morning came and it saw the two of you arguing with each other again you knew you were done.

It was like all the fight had suddenly left you, it had left you feeling drained. The constant cycle of arguing, breaking up, Bucky calling you with an apology and love confession, you letting him back in and then starting all over again. It wasn’t worth it anymore, you couldn’t do it.

You sat at the kitchen table listening to Bucky go off. You usually gave as good back as he give but now you were over it. You just wanted him to leave, you wanted to be done with Bucky Barnes and the stress that came with him. This wasn’t a relationship, though it pained you to admit it.

“Say something!” Bucky snapped at you, finally noticing your quietness.

“I’m done, Buck,” you told him softly, not having anything left to give, “I love you, I really do, but I can’t do this anymore. I’m done and I mean it this time, we are never ever getting back together.”

You meant everything you said and it was like Bucky could tell you meant it too as you watched the anger fall from his face. You watched his face as it softened, eyes wide and pleading as he looked down at you, not expecting you to say that.

“No, c’mon doll, don’t do this. I’m sorry, ok, really I am. It’s just that mission was bad and I took it out on you. It won’t happen again, I’m sorry baby.” He pleaded but you just shook your head, eyes filling with tears.

You knew it was the right thing to do but saying goodbye to Bucky for good was so hard.

“You always promise that, you promised it last night and it lasted for a day. I can’t keep having these fights, I can’t keep falling for the bait and screaming at you that I’m right. I can’t keep going with this constant cycle of I hate you, I love you. I’ll always be here for you, you can talk to me whenever, talk to my friends whenever, but we, we’re done Bucky.” You told him and stood up, making your way over to the door.

As you held it open for him you couldn’t help but think back to just how many times you had kicked the man out of your apartment. This was the last time you’d do it, you swore to yourself.

Bucky followed you, his own eyes wet with tears as he cupped your face. You let him brush your tears away and didn’t pull away as he leaned down, softly connecting your lips together. You kissed him back just as gently, tears running down both your faces.

Bucky was the first to pull away, resting his forehead against yours.

“Please don’t do this, baby.” He whispered and you had to take a breath to stop yourself from crying even more.

You placed your hands on his chest, letting them rest there for a moment before pushing him away and turning your head. If Bucky didn’t leave now you knew you’d end up back in that toxic cycle.

“I love you but you need to leave.” You told him, voice barely above a whisper. Bucky went to talk but you shook your head, stopping him before he could.  “Please.”

Bucky nodded, choking back words that he knew wouldn’t win you over this time. Usually a well placed apology and a promise to do better was all it took be he could see this time was different. This time he knew he really had to work to get you back.

“I love you too.” He told you quietly as he stepped out of the door, watching as you nodded before closing the door with a soft click. Somehow that hurt more than all the times you had slammed it in his face.

You let your back hit the door, tears falling down your faces as sobs finally left you. At some point you ended up sitting on the floor, tears long since dried on your cheeks and struggling for breath.

You really had meant it this time when you said you weren’t getting back with him. It’d be hard not to fall back into that old familiar cycle but you knew you couldn’t do it anymore.

Weeks passed and Bucky gave you the space you needed, never once showing up at your door uninvited, no texts or calls. He asked your friends how you were and forced a smile as they said you were doing well.

You talked to his friends about him, despite not being with him you wanted to make sure he was ok. Neither of your friends believed this was the end, how could they when you’d broken up and gotten back together more times than anybody could count.

Hell, even Bucky still believed the two of you were getting back together.

That’s why he called you after three months of radio silence, he was so ready to have you back. Usually when the two of you broke up you were back with each other fairly quickly and always at least texted one another.

You watched your phone light up, Bucky’s smile filling the screen. There was that old familiar feeling in the pit of your stomach that always came when he called after so long but you were determined not to fall back into old habits no matter how easy it would be.

It was only with slight hesitation that you answered the phone just before it went to voicemail, willing your voice to stay steady.

“Hi Bucky.” You said into the phone, curling up on the sofa and fiddling with the ends of your shirt.

“Hey baby,” He replied, a smile clear in his voice. “I miss you.”

You bit your lip as the sound of his voice flooded over you, the soft confession making your heart ache.

“I’ve missed you too.” You finally told him honestly.

There was a brief pause of silence before Bucky spoke again.

“How’ve you been?”

“Good,” you said, slightly surprised at how much you meant it. You had been doing good lately, spending more time with your friends, smiling and laughing and not constantly waiting for the next fight. It had been the most stress free three months of your life since you’d started dating Bucky. “Really good.”

“I’m glad to hear it, sweetheart.” Bucky smiled into the phone, “I just wanted to call, wanted to hear your voice. I want to see you again, doll.”

If he had called two months ago with those words falling from his lips you knew you would have given into everything, you knew you would have opened your door to him and started the toxic routine again. Two months ago you were still heartbroken over actually ending things with the man, spending most nights more often than not crying yourself to sleep or partying too much with your friends.

Two months in you had finally started to realise just how good it was to not have Bucky around, not wondering if you would be lovers or enemies that day.

Three months in and you were finally in a place where you didn’t need Bucky. Sure you missed him, missed the good moments, but now you could really see just how damaging that relationship had been on the both of you.

“I love you,” He told you when you didn’t say anything.

Those words usually won you right over, Bucky knew that, but now they were the worst words he could have said. It was like those words had doused you in cold water and you were pulled from your memories.

“Bucky,” You said, thankful your voice was even, “I meant what I said the last time I saw you, we are done, we are never getting back together. It’s exhausting being with each other, you know that. It isn’t fair or healthy for either of us. I love you, I don’t know if I’ll ever stop but being with you is draining.”

Bucky was silent, he had no words. He for sure thought that after a little time apart you’d be ready to welcome him back into your life, ready to try again with him. He’d meant what he said when he said he loved you, despite the fighting and the crying and everything in between, despite the spiteful words and thrown pillows, he loved you.

Why wasn’t that enough?

“Don’t do this, Y/N/N,” he pleaded with you, “Don’t throw us away like this.”

You shook your head, hating that you felt like the bad guy here as tears filled your eyes. This, this is why you couldn’t be with Bucky. You hated feeling like this and the only person who brought out this side of you was Bucky.

“I have to,” You choked out, cursing yourself for showing how much he was affecting you, “Goodbye Bucky.”

And with that you hung up the phone, letting yourself cry one last time over Bucky Barnes.

__________

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Finding Our Way Back

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Febuwhump Prompt - nightmares

Prompt - ‘It's like our souls are made of the same thing, always making sure we find each other when we need each other the most.’

Bucky felt like he was suffocating, clawing at his neck in a desperate attempt to loosen the lump in his throat that was stopping him from breathing as he shot up, sitting up on bed and looking around wildly. Nothing was out of place as he took note of everything in the room, his mind slowly registering that there were no real threats.

Bucky didn’t know how long he sat there for, didn’t know when the lump in his throat gave way and left him panting for breath, didn’t know when the sweat dried and the adrenaline left his body leaving him exhausted and drained.

He did know there was no chance of him going back to sleep, not for the next few nights, not until his body shut down. The serum running through his veins would allow him three or four days without sleep, longer if forced but he’d start feeling the effects. He didn’t care though, everytime he closed his eyes he saw the bodies, the agents, that damned chair. He heard the whispered words that triggered him to act, to kill.

Bucky let out a shaky breath before looking around the room once more.

It had taken him a long time to fully adjust to having somewhere that was his but it never felt like home, nowhere did these days. Steve was gone, you were…god, what had it come to when Bucky didn’t even know what you were doing anymore.

He let the memories of when he first met you fill his head, wanting to drown out all the bad ones. He remembered you watching him, it had made him uneasy as you stared at him but never said a word. The two of you locked in a staring contest as Steve and Sam stood to the side, deciding on what to do with him.

He remembered waking up in Wakanda, remembered how you had chosen to stay behind, when he raised a questioning eyebrow at you, you had just shrugged but there was something under the surface, sadness, regret, something…

Bucky watched you watch him, he remembered the days you sat with him, sat on the floor with him when the bed or the sofa was much too soft. He remembered how you had taken his hand in yours, no words needing to be exchanged as you squeezed it gently, once, then twice.

Over time it had developed into a code of sorts between the two of you, two squeezes meant everything was fine, everything was going to be ok. One squeeze meant one of you needed out of a situation as discreetly but quickly as possible, admittedly Bucky had used that signal more than you had but you never failed to help him out, making it seem so casual.

He remembered as you sat with him that night, that night, when the trigger words were read to him, remembered not feeling anything, no emptiness, no shift, just himself, just James Barnes. He remembered being told he was free, remembered the tears falling down his face, the choked sobs of absolute relief as he turned to face you, practically falling into your arms as you held him, whispering words of praises and reassurances, both of you pulling away with matching smiles.

And Bucky, Bucky couldn’t help himself.

He leaned closer to you, slowly so you had time to pull away but you never did, instead you met him halfway and slotted your lips together. Months of pent up pining over each other was channelled into one kiss, going from soft and gentle to hungry and passionate.

The two of you ended up back in the room Bucky had been given but things never went further than the two of you kissing, holding the other close as you lay together in bed.

His thoughts turned to that day in Wakanda, how he had watched you turn back to face him, the last thing he saw before being blipped was the fear, god you had looked so scared, on your face.

And then he saw you turn to dust too but he was gone before you were.

Then you were brought back, Steve leading an army against Thanos. Everything was moving into action before Bucky had a chance to even look at you and he couldn’t find you out on the battlefield, he tried to find you but there were enemies coming from every direction and Bucky had to focus because if he didn’t then he’d spiral.

It felt like he had just gotten the all clear, that he was free to not be a killer and now here he was, thrust into another battle with no choice but to fight.

When the battle ended, Tony’s sacrifice ensuring their victory, he still couldn’t find you. His blood ran cold as he looked at the fallen on the ground, selfishly and desperately hoping you weren’t one of them.

“Hey,” He heard, whipping around to face Sam who looked as tired as Bucky felt, “She’s alive, she’s with Strange.” Sam told him, gesturing from where he had just come from.

Bucky shot him a grateful look before he ran over to where Doctor Strange was, you and him talking together quietly as he ran his hands over your lower leg, a golden glow surrounding the area as the skin knitted itself back together.

Bucky watched, choking on a sob causing you to look up at him, relief clear on your face as you pushed yourself up off the ground and ran into his arms, Bucky wrapping them tightly around as you buried your face in his chest.

“I’m so glad you’re ok,” You told him, words muffled against his shirt. Bucky pressed his face into your hair, rambling on about how glad he was you were safe, the two of you more than content to stay in each other's hold.

It was Steve leaving that caused the rift between the two of you. Bucky was finally allowed to be himself, no more HYDRA, no more trigger words, nothing, and then Steve had pulled him aside, reciting rehearsed lines about how he had to go back, how there wasn’t a place for him in this day and age.

Bucky barely held back his words of anger, of frustration because the one thing he could always depend on was Steve Rogers and now he was leaving him, to go back to the past, back to a life that didn’t exist anymore. Bucky thought they had both been through too much to even consider a life back there but apparently this was what Steve needed and who was Bucky to argue with that.

In the days that passed Bucky kept to himself, you tried desperately to be there for him, offer him a shoulder to cry on, somebody to talk to, somebody to sit silently with but Bucky wanted none of that. He wanted none of your comfort, none of your kind words.

One day the lack of sleep and the mix of feelings had become too much and he took his frustration out on you. He didn’t even want to recall the words he had said to you that day but he hadn’t seen you since, hadn’t heard from you.

Sometimes he picked up the phone, letting his thumb hover over your name but he never pressed it.

And he lived with the regret of that everyday. Once he managed to come to terms with the fact that Steve had left, once he had come to terms with his feelings, that’s when the regret settled in, when he realised just what a jerk he had been.

The next few days passed in a blur of therapist appointments and sitting alone in his apartment before something came along to break his routine - John Walker. Him and Sam could only do so much and as they sat in Sharon’s place in Madripoor it was Sam who suggested they involve you.

“No,” Bucky said, cutting him off immediately.

“Ah yes, the Y/L/N girl,” Zemo said, “I remember her well, she could be very useful.”

“She won’t come, Sam.” He told the other man, ignoring Zemo completely.

“Just call her.” Sam said, causing Bucky to laugh in disbelief.

“You want me to make the call?”

“Oh come on, Barnes, she loved you, hell I’m willing to bet she’s still in love with you. You said some shit you didn’t mean and I know Y/N, man, she’s probably not even pissed about what you said, she probably understands exactly where those words came from. My guess, she’s been waiting for a call, a call where you tell her you’re sorry.” Sam said to him, picking up his phone and holding it out to Bucky who sat on the sofa, the words like a slap to the face because Bucky knew you and Sam was probably right, ok so maybe say was absolutely right but he wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of admitting that.

He had never apologised, too scared to face you.

A few seconds passed but Bucky snatched the phone from Sam and stood up, heading out of the room for some privacy.

It took longer than Bucky would care to admit but eventually he pressed the call button, hesitating before bringing the phone up to his ear, each ring sending a wave of anxiety through him.

“Hello?” Hearing your voice had him relaxing in a way he hadn’t been able to for months. “Hello?” You said again, causing him to clear his throat.

“Hi Y/N,” He said softly.

“Bucky?” You asked in shock after a moment of silence, not expecting it would ever be him on the other end of the phone again.

“Yeah it’s me.” He said, not sure where to go from here, apologising over the phone didn’t feel right but he didn’t know if he could get you here without it.

“Is everything ok?” You asked when it became obvious he wasn’t going to say anything else.

“Y/N,” He began but then changed his mind, he wouldn’t apologise over the phone, “We need you.”

“We?” You asked with a roll of your eyes, of course this wasn’t the call you had wanted all those months ago.

“You heard about John Walker?” He asked, sensing the shift in your emotions and knowing he had screwed up some more.

“Yeah, he’s going round playing Captain America, what about him?” You asked, listening as Bucky explained what was happening.

“Will you help?” He finally asked.

“I’ll help.” You said after a long pause.

“Great, I’ll have Sam send you the details,” He said, practically feeling the eye roll from down the phone, “Thank you, Y/N.” He murmured softly before hanging up and staring down at the phone in his hands, kicking himself as he did.

When he reentered the room, he threw the phone at Sam before collapsing into the sofa.

“That good, huh?” He asked.

“She’ll help, just text her the details.”

As you knocked on the door of the address Sam had sent you, you felt your anxiety double and quickly wiped your palms against your coat cursing yourself for getting involved.

“Ah Y/N, so good to see you again.”

Your head snapped up at the accent, eyes widened as you looked up to see a man who should have been in a prison cell.

“They did not tell you I was helping.” He realised as he opened the door, gesturing for you to enter.

“Last time I saw you you were trying to kill Bucky.” You said as you made your way past him, looking around the house as you stepped further in.

“And now I’m not.” He said with a friendly grin, “Relax, he’s not here.”

You turned around to face him, raising an eyebrow at his words but did as Zemo said when he nodded.

“They left you alone here?” You asked as you followed him over to the kitchen area, nodding as he grabbed a mug and gestured it towards you.

“I have nowhere to run to, Y/N. My family is long gone and my mission has been completed, what more is there to do?” He asked and you had no answer to that, so instead you took the drink from him and sat together in silence.

“Y/N!” Sam’s voice had you turning around in your seat, watching as the man smiled as he made his way over to you, you meeting him halfway and letting him wrap you in a warm hug. “It’s so good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you too.” You told him, pulling back to smile up at him. When you fully pulled away from him your eyes were immediately drawn towards Bucky and you couldn’t help but smile softly despite everything.

He looked good.

“Hey Y/N/N,” He said, softly.

“Hi,” You replied just as quietly and the pair of you missed the eye roll from Sam who cleared his throat when neither of you said anything else.

Working with Bucky again was…nice. Being around him was nice and you found yourself relaxing more and more around him, feeling like things could go back to normal. For the rest of the day, spent planning your next move, neither of you mentioned that night though it hung over your heads.

That night, however, you were woken up when you heard a bang sound from the room next to yours. Cautiously you climbed out of bed, years of training kicking in as you silently walked towards Bucky’s door, pausing outside to listen for any threats but you heard nothing.

And then you heard a strangled gasp.

You opened the door, not much but enough so that you could slip in unnoticed, eyes quickly adjusting to the darkness of the room as you looked around for any threats but instead you saw Bucky tangled up in the bedsheets, sweat pouring off of him as the items on the nightstand lay sprawled on the floor.

Your eyes turned sympathetic as you watched him struggle and despite not being on the best of terms with him right now you knew you couldn’t leave him there, trapped inside his nightmare.

You made your way over to the bed, calling his name but he showed no signs of hearing you. You knew touching him was probably, definitely, a bad idea but you didn’t know how else to wake him up.

You shifted so you were closer to him, ready to catch the fist that you knew would undoubtedly swing for you subconsciously, thankful for your own super strength in that moment.

“Bucky,” You called softly as you gently shook him awake.

The moment your hand touched him he shot awake, vibranium arm swinging blindly in your direction, you just barely catching it like it weighed nothing, your other hand pinning his other shoulder down gently.

“Hey, it’s just me, it’s Y/N,” You told him, continuing to talk softly as he came out of his nightmare, blinking harshly against the sudden flood of tears that filled his eyes as he focused on the sound of your voice.

“That’s it, you’re ok, I got you,” You murmured, shifting your hand from his shoulder to run through his hair, watching as he became aware of his surroundings and slowly let go of his vibranium arm.

Bucky let himself lay still for a moment, enjoying the feel of your fingers threading through his hair as he struggled for breath but pretty quickly he needed to sit up, panting as he was able to breathe again.

He turned to face you, the tears finally leaking over onto his cheeks and you smiled sadly at him as you shifted so you were laying on the bed before tugging him close to you, resting his head against your chest as you rubbed his arm soothingly with one hand, the other going back to his hair.

You continued to whisper soft words of nothing, watching how he slowly caught his breath and turned further into you, wrapping his arm around your waist as he leaned up to nuzzle his face against your neck.

His face was wet from the tears but thankfully he had managed to stop crying, content to just lay with you and shut out the rest of the world.

“You wanna talk about it?” You finally asked after half an hour or so of laying together.

“No,” He mumbled into your neck, causing you to smile, before he let out a breath that sent a shiver down your spine, “Yes.”

“Take your time.” You told him, placing a gentle kiss to his hair.

“S’always the same, always strapped to that chair, the words. I see everyone I ever hurt, everyone I killed, dead because of me.” Bucky whispered not pulling away from you, not daring to look up at you.

“Because of HYDRA, Bucky, not because of you.” You told him, voice quiet but stern.

“I was the one who killed them, Y/N/N.” He told you, voice breaking as he did.

“Bucky, you never, never, would have killed if it wasn’t for those bastards. You can’t blame yourself. You’re free, Buck, no more words, no more HYDRA, it’s all gone.” You told him, feeling him relax against you as he took in your words.

The two of you stayed silent for a long while after that, Bucky slowly worked through the memories that had filled his head, now that the nightmare had passed, thoughts of you began to take over. You were savouring every moment with Bucky in your arms, not sure when or if you’d ever have him back again.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky said after a while, voice near silent but from his position you heard him clearly.

“What?” You asked, assuming he was apologising over the nightmare.

“What I said to you, you never deserved that and then I let all that time pass without calling you, I should’ve called you, baby. First thing I should have done was follow you out of that damn door and apologise but I was so far in my own head…” He told you, trailing off as he lost the words he thought about over and over again for months.

“All I wanted was an apology, Buck.” You told him, keeping your own voice quiet so as not to break the delicate atmosphere.

“And I should’ve given it to you months ago.” He said, finally shifting back so he could look up at you. “I was an idiot to let you walk away and I’ve regretted it every single day.”

You smiled down at him, easily seeing how much he meant those words.

“I really am sorry, baby.” He murmured, looking up at you with wide, apologetic eyes and you couldn’t help but chuckle softly as you ran your knuckles across his cheek.

“I forgive you.” You whispered watching as he relaxed into your touch, smiling up at you as he let out a huff of disbelief.

“You’re incredible, baby.” He told you, shifting so he was laying on his side, vibranium arm coming up to brush some hair from your face before he cupped your cheek in his palm, giving you plenty off time to move away as he leaned down to kiss you but just like your first kiss you leaned up and met his lips half way, the kiss was soft and slow, months apart from each other and all the missed time was put into the kiss, feelings of longing and relief that you had found your way back to each other.

Eventually Bucky pulled away, watching as you smiled up at him, eyes still closed and he knew it that moment you were it for him, he knew it in those months you’d been apart but he never let himself think it, not when he thought he had no chance of ever getting you back.

“I love you, baby.” He told you, the words falling out of his mouth without meaning to. You watched as his own eyes widened in shock at his words but you couldn’t help but smile wider up at him.

“I love you too.” You whispered before leaning up to kiss him again, your hand finding his and squeezing it twice.

And despite the fact you still had to deal with the wannabe Captain America, still had to clean up the messes that kept being made, you had a feeling that everything would be just fine, everything would go back to normal now that you and Bucky had found your way back to each other.

-------------------

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Wherever We Want

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Febuwhump Prompt - Muffled Screams

Prompt - “One day, my darling, we shall go far away from this place.”

You and the Soldier were being punished, you knew that much but you couldn’t remember what for, only remembered being on a mission and not reporting on time, why hadn’t you reported? You couldn’t remember but knew it didn’t matter anymore not as you sat strapped to the chair, arms and legs restrained as your temples were squashed against the machine that hurt, it always hurt.

You didn’t know where the Soldier was now and you hoped he was safe but knew it was unlikely, HYDRA did not take well to the rules being broken and yet you always found yourself here strapped to the chair, desperately trying to hold onto as many memories as you could despite their attempts to wipe them away.

You could hardly recall your past life, forgot all the information you knew you were supposed to remember; your name, your age, your family, did you have a family? You didn’t know, you couldn’t remember anything from before but you had memories from after they had taken you, memories you wanted, needed, to hold onto to make the bad times bearable.

Remember your Soldier, you thought to yourself, it was always the loudest thought in your head as the machine shocked you, leaving you screaming and writhing in pain. Remember your Soldier.

The Soldier was a friend, an ally, something more. You didn’t think you could forget him, no matter how many times you were forced into the chair, no matter how many attempts they gave to destroy your memories you thought it was impossible to forget the Soldier.

At first he had been grumpy, glaring and snarling at you. You remembered him well but couldn’t recall yourself. You knew you had been scared, you had your full mind back then, all the memories you needed were intact. You knew you had cried when you were thrown into a small cell with him, you couldn't remember anything else about yourself but you remembered the Soldier.

He had been angry at first, days passed with nothing but orders and glares from him and then he changed. He still scowled at you but he pulled you up, none too gently, and forced you onto the bed. You remembered being scared, why were you scared? You didn’t remember why but you remembered him putting you onto the bed before he mumbled something in a language you didn’t understand. Now you knew he had told you to sleep, that he would watch for trouble. You remembered how he had sat on the floor next to the bed all night, eyes open and staring ahead at the door that had been locked since you arrived.

The soldier sat in his cell, pacing furiously like a caged animal. The wall had already taken the brunt of his anger as he stood helpless in the small room, listening to the sounds of your screams, muffled from the distance but still audible.

He knew what they were doing to you, hated that he couldn’t stop them. He knew he shouldn’t have tried to escape with you, he hadn’t been certain of his plan but thought he could pull it off, how foolish he had been and now you were paying the price.

The handlers knew what they were doing, sure he’d have to go through the same treatment later but they made you go first because they knew that was the worst punishment they could force him to endure, being forced to listen to your screams and unable to do anything.

The Soldier changed sometimes, you never forgot that. Some days he was gruff and angry but some days he was scared, he was softer and gentler. You didn’t remember why he changed sometimes, didn’t remember why some days he stroked your hair and let you rest against him and other days he flinched at your touch but you always remembered that he changed sometimes and that was ok because he still protected you.

Another scream pushed its way out of your throat as the pain pulsed from your head and throughout your entire body. You felt your mind go hazy and refused to let them win, they would not take your memories.

You would remember.

You would remember how the Soldier had held you close, making sure you were far away from the door. You remembered one time as you tried to lie on the outer side of the bed only to be snarled at, the Soldier snapping at you to move as he glared from you to the door like he expected somebody to charge through it at any moment.

You remembered being in another place, it was outside on top of a building. You and the Soldier sat side by side as he held fruit out towards you, the two of you hadn’t been in the chair for a while so your memories were better, not fully there but you remembered more than usual. You were waiting for a target but that part was unimportant, what was important was that the Soldier was happier, he had changed again to the other person he was when the chair didn’t take his memories. You always forced yourself to remember  the way he smiled at you, the sun shining down on him as he grinned over at you, amusement dancing in his eyes as he focused on you.

The Soldier was furious. It had been hours and you were still strapped to that damn chair, having your head repeatedly messed with and he was useless. His job was to protect you, to make sure you stayed alive and yet here he was, trapped and unable to get to you because of his own decision, because he hadn’t planned your escape more thoroughly. He knew he should have waited until the next mission but he had to watch night after night as the nightmares of your actions plagued you.

The Soldier knew you weren’t like him. There was a human part to you, one that they had managed to take away from him a long time ago. He liked that you were still human, like that you had held onto that part of yourself, it made him proud, he knew how hard it was to hold onto precious memories when strapped to that chair. He had tried for many years to remember the important things but eventually he had forgotten, now the only thing he forced himself to remember was you.

The Soldier felt his blood boil as rage ran through him, banging both his metal and flesh fist against the metal door, curses and threats leaving his lips but nobody listened, the only sound that answered him were your screams from the distance.

Another scream echoed around the room as your body shivered violently as the machine tried to steal more of your memories but you refused. You scrunched your eyes shut tightly as if that would help the thoughts stay in your mind as they send another wave of electricity through you, a broken sob mixed with a scream as you forced yourself to remember.

You remembered sitting in your cell, back to the wall as you sat in the corner of the room. You stared straight ahead at the wall, face devoid of emotion even as you felt a trail of blood fall from your temple and down your cheek. You tried to act brave, not letting anything show on your face but you couldn’t stop your hands from quivering even as you scrunched them into a fist to try and hide the movement. You knew he had seen it but ignored him and continued to look forward, resisting the urge to swallow against the lump in your throat and refusing to let your eyes water. You remembered as he crouched down in front of you, seeming unsure of how to handle you before he lowered himself further onto the ground, sitting crossed legged and continuing to stare at you.

The staring lasted until a tear finally slid down your cheek. He stood up and you watched him rip the small, old blanket that had been in the room when you’d arrived. He pulled a piece off before taking his seat again, moving closer to you but paused as you flinched away from him.

“Это помогает..” He had told you, his tone was rough but he meant the words to be reassuring. You hadn’t known a lot of the language he spoke then, didn’t understand his words and frowned at him. The Soldier had frowned back before realising you didn’t speak the language he spoke and tried again this time in English.

“It helps.” He repeated, gesturing from your cut to the piece of cloth he held in his metal hand.

You remembered being hesitant to let him touch you but couldn’t remember why, the Soldier’s touch is good, we like him you thought before forcing yourself to remember the rest of the memory as more cries and screams left you.

You and the Soldier had sat there for a long while before you finally nodded and he moved closer to you again. This time you stayed still, tensing as he pressed the cloth to the cut, pressing firmly to stop the blood.

“Извиняюсь.” He said as you hissed in pain, his tone was softer than it had been before.

“English.” You managed to choke out and heard him huff before he spoke again.

“I am sorry.” The Soldier repeated in the language you knew, almost sounding fond as he pulled the cloth back and ran his flesh thumb across the cut.

“Ты будешь-” He began but cut himself off with a huff of annoyance as he looked into your eyes, “You will be fine, sore but fine.”

You had nodded at him wearily, surprised by his help before you forced a smile onto your shaky lips.

“Thank you.” You whispered and watched as his eyes widened, only used to angry words, never kind ones spoken softly to him.

“Rest.” He said shortly, gesturing to the bed and pulling you up, though he kept his touch gentle and spent the night sitting in front of the bed on high alert.

More and more screams escaped you as you forced yourself to finish the memory, damned if you’d forget the first time your Soldier had shown you kindness. The intensity of the shocks against your temple seemed to increase causing your screams to merge with more sobs and leaving you a breathless mess in the chair before they finally shut off completely causing you to slump to the side, panicking momentarily as all your memories seemed to disappear before you found them again.

“We will leave one day.” Your Soldier had promised you, the two of you lay on the bed together as your fingers drew meaningless shapes into his chest, his metal arm around your waist as the other propped his head up so he could smile down at you.

“Where will we go?” You’d asked him softly, turning your head to face him, unable to resist smiling back up at him.

“Везде, где нам нравится.” He told you with a grin, laughing as you rolled your eyes and smacked his chest.

“English.” You demanded, your tone still light as your smile widened.

“Wherever we like.” He told you and you nodded against his chest, letting your eyes fall shut as tiredness took over.

“Wherever we like.” You repeated in a whisper before falling asleep and dreaming of a life with your Soldier far away from the chair and the handlers.

You felt yourself being lifted from the chair but couldn’t move. You were dragged along, your legs brushing against the floor and you couldn’t open your eyes despite how hard you tried, exhausted from a long session and trying to keep ahold of the things most precious to you.

You heard a door being unlocked and that was enough to help you blink weakly, knowing that behind the door was your Soldier, the one who promised to take you far away one day.

You heard them barking at your Soldier, warning him to stand back before you were thrown into the room, groaning in pain as the sound of the door locking was heard.

Your Soldier was at your side the second you landed on the floor, picking you up in his arms and carrying you over to the small, uncomfortable bed that felt like heaven against your tortured body. It felt even better when your Soldier climbed in and wrapped you in his arms.

Your eyes blinked heavily, falling shut as the exhaustion became too much and you gripped your Soldier’s shirt tightly in your hands, hoping that one day you would be able to leave, be able to go far away from the four walls and go wherever you wanted.

“Sleep, дорогой.” He ordered softly into your hair, none of his fury dying down as he saw the mess that they had made of you but at least you were back in his arms and one day, he swore to himself, one day he would kill them all for ever hurting you.

“English.” You managed to say, feeling him huff out a laugh of disbelief before you felt lips against your hair causing you to smile tiredly into his chest.

“Sleep, my darling, soon we shall leave.” He promised and fully intended to keep it, next time he would not fail, he would die before he let you come back to this place.

“Wherever we want.” You mumbled against him, the words slightly muffled against his shirt but he heard them clearly and grinned down at you, knowing how hard you fought for your memories.

“Wherever we want.” He confirmed, the grin turning into a soft smile as he watched you fall asleep against him, trusting him to keep you safe.

He would not fail you again, he swore to himself, one day soon enough you would be free no matter what.

-------------------

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Innocent

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Prompt - ‘Who you are is not where you've been, you're still an innocent.’

Bucky was glad for the serum running through his veins when he entered his fifth day without any sleep. He could still feel the pull of exhaustion, the heaviness of his bones and the way his eyes stung with the effort to keep prying them open when they fell shut for too long but the serum made it slightly more bearable.

He knew his therapist would tell him it was unhealthy, that he had to deal with this, find ways to cope. He knew Sam would say he had to talk about it, say that he didn’t mind sitting with him and just let Bucky talk until he felt better but he knew there was no feeling better.

How could he feel better? He was alive and his dreams haunted him each night, viciously reminding him of each person he killed, each person that died by his hands without him feeling a single shed of remorse.

He knew logically that wasn’t him, the fact he couldn’t sleep, the fact he felt sick to his stomach was proof that he did feel guilty but it didn’t matter. It had happened and he had done it, it didn’t matter that he couldn’t fight back against HYDRA, he should have, he should’ve been stronger, he should have stopped them.

Now they were gone and Bucky was left alone.

Truly alone.

Steve had left and even though Bucky had sent him off with a pat on the shoulder, had given the man the approval he needed before leaving, it had killed Bucky. It was the first time he had been in his right mind for longer than he could remember and he was alone, his only connection to a life long gone had left him behind.

The Soldier was no longer in his head either, not that he was torn up about that loss. Some days it felt strange, the Soldier had taken up so much space in his mind, he had been the one in control for longer than Bucky had ever been and now it was empty, quiet. Some days Bucky found himself just standing in a room, expecting the Soldier to take the lead only to remember he was alone now.

It was just him.

Sam had tried to help him but it was no good. Bucky pushed him away, not ready to deal with the reality of his life, not ready to accept what had happened to him. He agreed to see the therapist because he had to but she was no help either. Bucky left their sessions feeling worse than he ever had most days.

Still right now he knew he had to do something, sitting on the floor in the quiet of his apartment, the only light in the room coming from the street lights outside. He needed to get out, he didn’t care that it was late, it’s not like he had anywhere to be in the morning.

It took a great effort to pull himself from the floor but he somehow managed it, heading into his bedroom to shrug on a fresh pair of clothes, knowing he hadn’t changed for longer than was acceptable. He’d need a shower too at some point but couldn’t stomach the thought of it just yet.

The cold air hit him as soon as he left his apartment and he was glad for it when he felt more alert. He had no destination in mind, just picked a direction and let his feet carry him. There were plenty of bars open at this time and as much as he wanted to drink until he passed out he knew it was a useless wish, the serum running through him would barely let him feel a buzz from the alcohol, let alone make him forget anything.

Eventually he came across a small hole in the wall cafe. The lights were still on, a soft orange glow leaking out onto the streets and it was empty beside one man typing away at his laptop and two teenagers with papers scattered across their shared table.

He didn’t know what it was about the place but Bucky let his feet carry him to the door, pausing to take a steadying breath before opening the door.

The first thing that hit him was the warmth, a sudden change for the chill outside, then there was the smell. The smell of baked goods floating through the air made Bucky’s shoulders lose some of their tenseness as he stepped into the cafe and let the door close behind him softly.

The pair of teenagers didn’t look up at the sound of the bell, nor did the man typing furiously on his laptop. The only person who acknowledged his presence was a woman who stuck her head out of a door behind the counter, letting him know she’d be just a minute.

Bucky was content to wait, walking towards the counter and looking at the displayed goods, not too filled but there was a good selection especially considering the time. The place was nice too, it reminded him of somewhere he couldn’t quite remember, a memory just out of reach.

The place had a homely feel to it, soft lights instead of harsh white ones lit the space and the place was decorated in pastel colours that complimented each other nicely with bits of greenery littered around the room. For some reason he felt safe here, it could have just been because nobody seemed to recognize him or maybe there was just something about this place.

“Hey,” A voice pulled Bucky from his thoughts and he shook his head slightly before turning his gaze to you. “What can I get for you?”

The first thing Bucky noticed about you was how beautiful you were. You radiated the same kind of warmth the cafe did, smiling at him like he was a friend you’d known for years rather than a complete stranger, like he wasn’t a deadly killer.

He couldn’t tell if you knew him, most people did whether it was because they’d learnt about Bucky Barnes, best friend to Captain America or they’d see the news stories about the Winter Soldier. You didn’t flinch, didn’t pause, didn’t stare at him or gawk, didn’t take a step back. You just smiled at him as you leaned on the counter top waiting for him to reply.

It had been a long time since Bucky had spoken to somebody who didn’t know what he had done, to somebody who’s immediate first reaction upon meeting him wasn’t to run as fast as they could away from him.

“Um, a coffee please.” Bucky forced himself to say, suddenly aware of how croaky and dry his voice was after going days without talking to anybody.

“Sure thing, nothing to eat?” You asked, the smile never leaving your lips as you moved to start making his coffee for him.

Now that you mentioned it he couldn’t exactly remember when the last time he had actually eaten anything was, his stomach aching with hunger as he glanced back towards the treats with a new found appetite.

“Yeah actually, whatever you’d recommend.” Bucky answered and attempted a smile which he knew came out as nothing but a weak twitching of the lips but it was the thought that counted.

“Well in that case you have to try these.” Your smile morphed into a grin and Bucky couldn’t help but stare at you, feeling his anxiety and fear slipping away the longer he did.

When he finally did manage to pry his eyes away from your smile he looked down to see a plate of muffins that made his stomach long for food even more so than it had before. You set the plate down in front of him and he waited for you to turn back to making his coffee before he picked one up and took a bite.

Just as you turned back to hand the man his coffee you watched as his eyes lit up and he looked down at the muffin like it was the best thing he ever held.

“Good right?” You couldn’t help but chuckle, watching as the man’s eyes snapped up to meet yours.

“They’re amazing.” Bucky praised, the smile hadn’t left your face since you walked out of the back room but he still noticed how you brightened up even more at the compliment, thanking him sincerely before excusing yourself to finish up an order for tomorrow, leaving Bucky alone with his thoughts.

This was better, loathe as he was to admit it, getting out of the apartment was good. It was easier to ignore the reminders of what he had done, sat in the cafe that radiated warmth and goodness. The quiet noise of the two teenagers talking, the rustling of pages and the repetitive taps of the man’s keyboard, the soft music playing from somewhere in the back were all things he could focus on and he felt calmer than he had in weeks.

“Haven’t seen you around here before.” You said as you came back out into the front of the cafe, talking softly to the man so you didn’t disturb the others in the cafe. “You new to the city?”

“Born and raised here.” Bucky offered after a moment of hesitation. “Been away for a while though, decided to take a walk and found this place. It’s nice.”

“Thanks, it’s my family’s business. I took the night shift to help them out, plus I get to help myself to whatever treats are left over from the day so it’s not a bad gig.” You laughed and watched as the man’s lips pulled into a small smile.  

Bucky didn’t know what it was about you. Since Wakanda, since he was back in his own mind alone without the Soldier, he had found it difficult to talk to anyone, whether it was Sam or his therapist, the few times he had tried to talk to a pretty girl had gone terribly.

But there was just something about you that made it a bit easier to find some words, that made him want to try and say something. The fact that this was the longest conversation he had had with somebody in weeks wasn’t lost on him and he was so glad he had found this place.

You kept up a steady stream of conversation, not put out when Bucky seemed to pause for longer than was necessary before he answered in a low voice, rough for not being used. You were curious about the man but he looked like the world was weighing heavily on his shoulders so you stuck to light conversation, keeping it open enough that he could jump in whenever but not pressuring him to speak.

Bucky didn’t know how long he’d stayed in the cafe but eventually his muffin and coffee were gone, as was the man who had been sitting alone in the corner. He felt lighter than he had in a long time and could feel the exhaustion creeping back up on him even after his coffee.

He figured he should try and get some sleep, hoping that a good outing would be enough to ward off the memories.

“It was nice meeting you!” You smiled when Bucky politely excused himself, finding that you genuinely meant the words. Working in the cafe meant you met all sorts of people but none stood out to you quite like he did.

“Nice meeting you too.” Bucky said, finding it was easier to smile back at you before he made his way home, ready to sleep nightmare free for the first time in weeks.

A few weeks passed before Bucky stumbled his way down to your cafe again.

He had been doing good, ever since he had left you that first night he hadn’t had nightmares, not to say that his dreams had been pleasant but they weren’t keeping him awake for days on end.

Now though he was relieving more and more missions every night, seeing the faces of the innocent people he’d murdered to get to his target, seeing how cold and cruel he was capable of being.

When the bell chimed to let you know somebody had come into the cafe you looked up with a smile that faltered when you saw the man from a few weeks ago. His hair was dishevelled, his skin pale with a light sheen of sweat covering it and his eyes looked haunted in a way you had never seen before.

By the time he had made it to the counter and into the seat he had occupied last time he was here you had forced your smile back onto your face, not letting any sympathy shine through. The man didn’t need some stranger feeling sorry for him, so you wouldn’t give him that instead you could offer him a safe place to let his mind switch off for a while.

“Hey again! I was hoping you’d be back, I just made a batch of brownies and I think I’ve got the recipe just right. You wanna try one?” You asked, jumping right into conversation to hopefully pull the man from his thoughts.

Bucky looked over at you with wide, watery eyes, taking a minute to register what you had said before nodding hesitantly, watching as you busied yourself with fetching the brownies from the back and bringing a few out on a plate.

“You want a coffee to go with that?” You asked and watched him nod again. “Great, I’ll get that ready for you. Honestly, I’m glad you came back tonight, this place has been dead for hours. I suppose the kids have finished with their finals though, you remember those two that were here the other week? Yeah they practically live here but during exam season they take up permanent residence on that table.”

Bucky appreciated how you said nothing about the state he was in, glossing past it like it wasn’t even worth mentioning. He focused on your words, so thankful you didn’t seem to be expecting a response, just filling the silence with words he could follow and grab onto, a grounding link to reality.

Bucky let time pass without acknowledging it, focusing solely on you, listening to you as you told stories of growing up in New York, of growing up in the cafe and all the different types of people that stopped by, telling him about your favourite customers and the rudest ones. He was proud when he managed a few small smiles and even one chuckle but he hadn’t been able to find the strength to speak but you didn’t seem to mind, something that made him feel even more relaxed in this place, even more relaxed with you.

Bucky only pulled himself out of the safety of the cafe when he saw the first signs of the sun coming up, knowing you wouldn’t be around much longer anyway and a part of him felt guilty for having you put up with him for so long.

“Thank you.” Bucky managed to croak out as he stood to leave watching as your bright smile turned soft.

“Thank you, lord knows I needed the company tonight.” You told him and Bucky smiled back at you. “You’re always welcome here, you know?”

“Thank you.” Bucky said again, even though the words were whispered you could still hear how grateful he was for you to have said it.

“See you around.” You said softly, watching him go until he disappeared from view.

Bucky was back again two nights later, still not as talkative but he was able to speak this time around. He shared stories of growing up in Brooklyn trying his best not to slip up and reveal that his childhood was a lot further back than you guessed, trying not to let it slip that the childhood best friend he spoke about was Steve Rogers, Captain America.

You listened intently to everything Bucky shared with you, wanting to know anything he was willing to tell you. You couldn’t say what it was about this man who seemed so down on his luck but you wanted to know everything about him.

Eventually Bucky showing up at the cafe became a regular part of your routines, he showed up more nights than not. Some nights he was silent, just needing you to fill the space with whatever came to your mind and other nights he was like a whole different person, so confident and eager to talk and share parts of his life with you.

It had been months since you’d first met him and you knew you were falling for him, you thought you had been since that first day but now you were sure.

“You know who I am, don’t you?” Bucky asked suddenly one night causing you to tense for a moment, a frown spreading across your features.

It was a bad night for Bucky, he’d been here a few hours now and not said much. The cafe was empty, silent whilst you contemplated how to answer but eventually just nodded your head.

“Yeah, I knew who you were the first time you showed up here.” You told him honestly, remembering how shocked you’d been to see Bucky Barnes in your cafe but you had hid it well.

“You should have told me to stay the hell away.” Bucky muttered and you felt your features soften into a sad smile.

“I was never scared of you. You’ve been coming here for months, we’ve been alone together for most of that and you’ve never made me feel anything but safe.” You said, watching as he looked at you in shock before shaking his head.

“Safe?” He spat the word like it was poison. “I’m a monster.”

Your heart ached for the man. You had known a bit about the Winter Soldier before meeting Bucky but hadn’t researched it once you had met him, it felt wrong to do it, you figured when the time came the man would share his story with you if he wanted to.

“I don’t know your whole story but I do know it wasn’t your fault. I know you didn’t ask for what those people did to you. I know you’re not the monster, they are.” You told him, voice low and firm causing Bucky to look at you with wide eyes, desperately wanting to believe you but unable to.

“But I should have been stronger.” He whispered, a choked out sentence that broke your heart.

“Listen I can’t even begin to imagine what sort of hell you’ve been through but I do know you, this version of you, the one that you should be so proud of because you aren’t what they made you, who you were is not who you are now. You’ve got so much more to look forward to, a whole life to live as happily as you can, a big fuck you to the people who are hopefully gone.” You chuckled slightly, tears filling your eyes as you took Bucky’s hands in yours.

“Thank you.” Bucky croaked out, his own tears welling up in his eyes as he squeezed your hands gently in his. “Thank you.”

“I’m really glad you found this place.” You whispered to him, smiling shakily at him.

Bucky held your gaze, pulling his hands from yours before making his way around the counter that separated you. His flesh hand came up to your cheek, you willingly letting him tilt your head up towards him as he looked down at you with a soft smile, eyes red from where the tears stung at them.

“I’m glad I found you.” He whispered back, leaning down and pressing his forehead against yours.

Your eyes fell closed as you pressed forward, closing the space between you and feeling a rush of warmth run through you as your lips connected. The kiss was soft and gentle, neither of you needing to rush it even though it had been building for months. You took your time, savouring the feeling of Bucky’s lips against yours, the taste of cupcakes and coffee on his lips was intoxicating and you knew you were done for, there was no going back after this, you were all in.

When the two of you pulled away you were both silent for a moment, needing the chance to catch your breath. Bucky’s forehead rested back against yours, his thumb brushing along your cheekbone as he smiled down at you with you smiling softly back up at him.

“I can’t promise I’m any good at this anymore.” Bucky murmured and you laughed softly. “But I really want to try, if you’ll let me.”

“I like you, Bucky. I already know you have bad days, I want to be there for all of them. I don’t care how hard it is, I want to be with you.” You told him honestly, closing the distance between you again to kiss him softly.

Bucky pulled you close, wrapping his metal arm around you to hold you against him, promising himself he’d get this right. You were right, he was alive and HYDRA was dead, all those monsters wouldn’t live to see another day and Bucky had the chance to live the rest of his life happier than they could ever imagine.

He wanted that.

He wanted that with you.

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Timeless

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Prompt - ‘Cause I believe that we were supposed to find this. So, even in a different life, you still would've been mine, we would've been timeless.’

Notes - The timeline is messed up but that’s ok! Also, nobody cares but omg I got tickets to the Eras Tour!!! 

It was early when Bucky forced himself out of his bed, taking a moment to just sit up and massage his temples, desperately trying to stop the headache that seemed near constant at this point. He figured it was expected though, not enough time had passed since he had managed to escape HYDRA and most days he could still feel the Winter Soldier so clearly in his mind, fighting to obey commands and return to the handlers.

Bucky couldn’t let that happen though, he had spent too much time planning his escape, too much work trying to build something new after months of hiding. He couldn’t even remember exactly when he had formed his plan, only that he hadn’t been in the chair for a while, the handlers thought they had wiped away any remaining traces of Bucky and were only left with the Soldier.

So Bucky played along, he swallowed down the sickness he felt stinging at his throat and obeyed every command given to him until he was able to make his escape. From there he had been running ever since, knowing HYDRA would always be looking for their greatest weapon.

He had finally settled though, running from country to country until he came back to the States, finding his way back to New York.

Slowly his memory had started coming back to him, being out of the chair and on the run had meant more and more came back. Most of the time he couldn’t quite make them out, too jumbled up to connect but he liked to cling to them anyway, they always made him feel safe and he’d take them over the nightmares of his days as the Winter Soldier any day.

He went back to Brooklyn, let himself wander the streets and smiled as small snippets flashed through his mind. More often than not there was a boy, a skinny thing who was always ready for anything, Bucky couldn’t remember his name but he knew he loved the boy like he was his brother.

Then there was a girl. In the memories there was the prettiest girl Bucky had ever seen, he hoped he’d remember her more, he had too. Every time he managed to remember a memory with the girl in it he felt lighter than he had in years, a weight lifting off his shoulders whenever he pictured her smile.

The first thing Bucky had done once he had worked enough odd jobs to rent an apartment was force himself into a morning routine. The first few weeks he had just stayed in bed, alone with the memories of what he had done. He had known it couldn’t carry on that way, he had to do something. So he forced his body into the shower every morning, wiping away the sweat from the previous night’s nightmares before getting dressed and walking the streets of Brooklyn.

Bucky never had a real destination in mind when he left his apartment, preferring to just pick a direction and see if he could remember anything new that day. Today he turned left when he walked out and let himself get lost in the Brooklyn streets.

He let himself walk for a while, there were no new memories but Bucky didn’t mind. It was nice to be able to just walk around by himself for as long as he wanted, no expectations, no commands, no handlers waiting for him and no chair to take away the new memories he did have that he desperately gripped onto.

He didn’t know just how long he had been walking for when he came across a small building in the middle of a row of stores. It was easy to miss, the dark wood was only half the length of the bricked building next to it. He didn’t know what it was about the store that caught his eyes but something was telling him to keep walking towards it.

When he finally came to a stop outside of it he could see through the large window letting the morning light in. Bucky looked through it at relics that looked as old as he was. He stayed where he was for a long moment, just looking before something in him told him to go in and he let himself listen to it.

When he walked into the shop a small bell chimed above his head and he smiled at the old man who was busy behind the counter before he let the door fall shut behind him and he walked around, his fingers trailing along the surfaces.

He made his way to a room in the back where his eyes caught a box, the lid propped open with a handwritten sign taped to it, telling him it was photographs in there worth twenty-five cent each. He didn’t know why a smile pulled at his lips or why he reached down to pull them out but his smile widened when he saw a picture of a woman.

The picture was black and white and a bride beamed up at him, a veil on her head and a bouquet of flowers in her hands. Something about the photograph made Bucky’s heart clench, something familiar that he couldn’t quite place his finger on.

“Come on, doll!” Bucky grinned as he circled around you so he was walking backwards and in front of you. “Say you’ll do it!”

Bucky froze, looking down at the picture as a memory played out before him, he could see it so clearly. It was the girl, the girl he couldn’t remember but so desperately wanted to know, he wanted to know who she was more than anything.

“We can’t!” You laughed, grabbing his hand and making him walk properly after he bumped into a man, shouting an apology over your shoulder as he cursed. “Bucky, don’t be ridiculous!”

“I’m not, c’mon you know you want to.” Bucky moved in front of you again, crouching down so he was eye level with you, pouting and giving you his best puppy dog eyes causing you to laugh again, pushing his shoulder and leaving his trailing after you. “Hey, I'm serious about this.”

“We can’t get married, Bucky!” You laughed again causing Bucky to groan loudly, drawing stares from others around you but neither of you noticed, both too focused on each other.

“Of course we can. C’mon Y/N/N, say you’ll marry me, pretty please.” Your laughter was like music to Bucky’s ears even if it was in response to his pleas to marry him. “We’ll go right down to the court house now, pick you up a pretty dress and be married by the end of the day.”

“How about this, you come back to me and then I’ll marry you.” You countered, the smile falling from your face slightly with the reminder of what was coming.

“You promise?” Bucky smiled, pausing in the middle of the street, taking your chin between his finger and thumb to lift your head to his.

“I promise.” You told him, smiling as he leaned down to kiss you.

He married you? He knew he had to have cared about you, he knew he felt something for you but he had married you? He hoped his past self knew how lucky he was, he’d have done anything now to know you.

“I came back.” Bucky whispered into your ear as you practically flung yourself at him, sobbing into his chest as he held you close, one arm around your waist, the other cupping the back of your head.

“You came back.” You cried against him and Bucky felt his heart break, the whole time he’d be gone the only thing he could think about was how he hadn’t made it back to you.

“I promised, didn’t I?” He murmured into your hair and he felt you nod, tightening his grip on you before pulling away far enough to cup your cheek. “I seem to remember you had a promise of your own to keep.”

He watched as you smiled and it was all he needed, suddenly he was holding back his own tears and dragging you back to him, his lips meeting you in a desperate kiss. He truly hadn’t known if he was ever going to make his way back to you but you hadn’t doubted it, you and Bucky always seemed to find your way back to each other.

“So what d’ya say, Y/N, will you marry me?” He asked after he pulled back, watching as your lips pulled into a beaming smile even as tears still poured down your cheeks, you nodding wildly at him as you huffed out a laugh.

“Of course I’ll marry you.” You told him and Bucky couldn’t help but grin right back at you before leaning in for another kiss.

Bucky felt a smile pull at his lips in the present time, smiling down at the picture of the bride as another memory came back to him.

Bucky couldn’t take his eyes off of you as the doors opened and you came into view. At his side he heard Steve let out a gasp and he couldn’t help but agree, you were breathtaking. He couldn’t believe how lucky he had been to find you, to have you walking down the aisle to him, wanting to marry him.

God, he loved you so much.

He couldn’t remember much of the actual wedding, too busy taking in every little detail of you. Hearing the words ‘I do’ fall from your lips nearly sent him to his knees.  

Bucky didn’t realise he was crying until the woman’s face became blurred through his tears and he took a deep breath, steading himself as he leafed through the photographs. He paused again when he saw one of a couple clinging to each other, the girl had her head buried in the guy's neck and he was holding her tight against him.

You were looking over Bucky with watery eyes. He felt his heart break as he messed with the tie of his uniform, looking at you through the mirror as you took a silent breath before you stood up. You brushed Bucky’s hands away and took over, tying the tie properly around his neck and smoothing it against his chest.

Once you were done Bucky took your hands in his and brought them up to his lips, placing soft kisses against your knuckles.

“Smile for me, doll.” Bucky pleaded, watching as you scrunched your eyes shut to stop the tears from slipping past them and shook your head. “C’mon Y/N/N, it’s my last night, let’s have a good time, yeah?”

“I don’t want you to go.” You told him shakily, opening your eyes and cursing yourself when one tear managed to slip down your cheek but Bucky was quick to cup your cheek, a gentle thumb brushing it away, careful not to smudge your makeup.

“I know but I’ll be back, I promise.” He told you and watched as you shook your head again, trying to pull away from him but Bucky refused to let you go.

“You can’t promise that, Buck.” You told him, bottom lip wobbling as you desperately tried not to cry.

“Yeah I can, I’ve got my girl waiting right here for me, waiting to marry me the second I get back, you can bet I’m coming back to her.” Bucky smiled down at you and you couldn’t help the choked laugh that escaped you.

Whilst you were out it was easy to forget Bucky would be leaving. With his arms around you, him leaning in to kiss you in the middle of the room without a care in the world, it felt like any other day.

Until it came time for Bucky to leave. You stayed back as you watched him say goodbye to Steve, wrapping the smaller man in a hug before pulling away to salute him. Your eyes filled with tears for what felt like the millionth time today, at this point you were so tired of crying but knew it wouldn’t get any better with Bucky leaving.

You watched as he jogged over to you, his smile faded but still in place knowing he had to be brave for you.

The two of you walked hand in hand, neither of you saying anything as you walked down the street. Bucky was shipping out in the early hours and the two of you agreed it would be better to say your goodbyes tonight.

“I’m really gonna miss you baby.” Bucky told you as you came to a stop.

“You promise you’ll come back?” You asked shakily, looking up at him.

Bucky nodded before leaning down and pressing a kiss to your lips, holding you close to him and trying his hardest to convey how much he loved you into one kiss.

“I promise you, Y/N/N, I’ll be back before you know it and I’m gonna write you letters every single night whilst I’m gone.” Bucky swore, leaning his forehead against yours and watching as you were unable to stop the tears from rolling down your cheeks.

“I love you so much, Bucky.” You choked out, throwing your arms around his shoulders and burying your face in his neck.

Bucky felt his strength leaving him and he wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you closer to him in the middle of the crowded street, not paying any mind to anyone else but you.

“I love you too, Y/N, so, so much.” Bucky told you, murmuring the words into your hair.

Bucky didn’t know how long the two of you stood there but eventually you had to pull away. Bucky cupped your cheeks and gently wiped your tears away before pulling you in for one last kiss that left you both breathless.

“I’m gonna miss you so much.” You told him and Bucky smiled brightly at you.

“I’m gonna miss you like crazy, doll. I’ll be home as soon as I can.” Bucky told you, pressing a kiss to your forehead before hailing a cab for you.

“I love you.” You told him as you pulled him in for a final hug, squeezing him just a bit tighter than usual as you tried to convince yourself he’d be alright.

“I love you too, baby, so much.” Bucky said as he hugged you back, not letting any tears fall until your cab disappeared from view.

The tears leaked from Bucky’s eyes as he remembered you, remembered having to leave you behind, remembered having to be strong for you even when he didn’t know if he would make it back to you. He remembered the moment he truly thought he wouldn’t make it back to you. Finally coming home and having you in his arms felt as close to heaven as Bucky would ever come.

He wiped at his eyes before flicking through the next few pictures.

He had to stop and smile when another photograph caught his eye and he could so clearly see you and him where the teenage couple stood in a driveway, their hands entwined with a note on the back that said school dance, 1958.

“Come on you two, just a few more!” Bucky’s mom insisted and the two of you couldn’t help but groan since she’d said the same thing a half hour ago.

“Mom, we gotta go, we’re gonna be late.” Bucky told her but she just shook her head and waved him off.

“Come on, none of that now. You’ll want to remember this night, let me take a few more.” She said and Bucky just looked at you apologetically causing you to laugh.

“A few more won’t hurt.” You said, causing her to smile and usher you and Bucky together.

Bucky grinned as he held a hand out to you and you couldn’t help but return it and you threaded your fingers through his and turned towards the camera.

“You look beautiful.” Bucky whispered before turning towards his mom too, looking at you out of the corner of his eyes just as the flash went off to see your smile brighten at his words.

“Now you two have a lovely night, Bucky make sure she gets home safe.” His mom reminded him and Bucky had to resist the urge to roll his eyes as everyone knew he walked you home first no matter how much you insisted he didn’t need to.

Bucky remembered that night, the two of you had spent hours dancing together until the dance was over. When he walked you home he remembered thinking he loved you for the first time, stopping outside your house to kiss you and nearly saying those words but not being brave enough.

He missed you. He missed you so much. He’d had a whole life with you, he’d married his girl and he’d left her alone.

He’d left you alone.

You’d lived all these years thinking that he had died. He had died after promising you he’d be home. He’d forgotten who you were, forgotten how loved he had been and how much love he had for you.

He wiped his tears and moved away from the photographs, not sure he could stand to look through them anymore even if they had unlocked a flood of memories.

He remembered being away in the war, reading your letters was the only thing that got him through most of his days and when he wrote his back to you he tried to hide as much of the bad as he could, over exaggerating in his stories hoping that they’d make you smile.

He really hoped they made you smile.

He was meant to have a lifetime with you. He was meant to love you until you were both old and grey. He was meant to have kids with you and be there for you every day of your lives.

The two of you should have had so much longer together. Just when he thought he couldn’t hate HYDRA any more he was shown the life he could have had, torn away from him like everything else had been.

Bucky left the old antique shop with tears in his eyes and a bundle of photographs tied together with brown string.

Days passed and Bucky wasn’t great with the newest technology, give him any weapon and he’d know how to use it in minutes, give him a computer and he was clueless. Eventually though he managed to figure it out and he was walking up the steps of an apartment complex.

His hand shook as he raised it, knocking on the door and waiting anxiously. When the door finally opened he was left breathless.

You couldn’t help but stare, mouth falling open as you looked at the person at your door.

“There’s my girl.” Bucky said shakily, watching as your mouth opened and closed as you tried to make sense of what was happening.

“Bucky?” You finally managed to choke out, the man you had spent all these years missing was at your front door, not looking a day older than the last time you’d seen him.

“Promised I’d come back.” He told you, tears stinging his eyes as he looked at you. You were just as beautiful as he remembered, eyes still as bright.

He couldn’t help but regret that you were older, not that you were older but that he hadn’t been there to grow old with you.

“How are you here?” You asked, still in complete disbelief and not entirely sure this was real.

“It’s a long story.” He told you honestly, not even sure where he’d start. “You look beautiful, Y/N.”

“You look the same as you did all those years ago.” You said, letting out a huff of disbelief. “But at least you kept your promise.”

You gestured for him to come in and it wasn’t long before the two of you were sitting on the sofa. Bucky pulled you into his arms, burying his face in your hair, still amazed he had managed to find you.

His hand brushed over yours and he paused when he felt something, looking down he couldn’t help but frown as he saw a wedding ring around your finger. He was happy you had found somebody, truly he was, but it should’ve been him.

“It’s yours.” You told him and he looked at you questioningly. “It’s your ring.”

“You kept wearing it? After all these years?” Bucky asked in disbelief and it was your turn to smile.

“I never took it off once. It’s impossible to move on from you, Bucky, not that I ever tried.” You chuckled softly and he stared at you in amazement. “I promised to love you to the end of my days, I keep my promises too.”

“I love you so much, Y/N/N.” Bucky whispered as he pressed his forehead to yours. “I’m so, so sorry, doll. I should’ve been here, all these years we should have been making so many memories together.”

“It’s alright.” You murmured, threading your hand with his. “It was a good life, I kept you alive. You were with me with everything I did.”

“I’ve missed you like crazy.” Bucky told you and you laughed, nodding against him.

“You’ve got no idea.” You said, still completely in shock that he was here with you again. “What happened, Bucky?”

Bucky took a deep breath, by the end of his story the pair of you had tear stained cheeks and cuddled closer together, neither able to let the other go after finally having each other back after so long.

“I’m sorry it took so long to find you.” Bucky said as he wiped the tears from your cheeks gently and you smiled, leaning into his touch.

“We always find our way back to each other eventually.” You told him, remembering all those years of growing up and arguing, the fights and the make ups.

No matter what happened between you and Bucky you would always find each other, you were made for each other, forced back together, no matter how much time had passed.

You had spent a lifetime missing Bucky Barnes, a lifetime keeping his memory alive. For years the only things you had to remember him was a cardboard box you kept in your room, photographs of the two of you together, first days of school, first school dances, a picture somebody took as he spun you around, pictures taken of you kissing and dancing. You had the letters you had saved and treasured from his time in the war, words of love and promises that had carried you through the years without him.

“We really were made for each other, huh?” Bucky said with a grin and you couldn’t help but beam back at him, nodding along. “Always supposed to find each other no matter what.”

“I’m glad you found me.” You whispered and Bucky let himself lean in, pressing a soft kiss to your lips, feeling the weight that always seemed to rest so heavily on his shoulders melt away for the first time since he came back to himself.

“Not leaving you again, I promise.” Bucky murmured as he pulled away and shifted to pull you against him, content to hold you close and let himself enjoy the feeling of being home for the first time in a very long time.

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amazing

MOTHER HUMAN – b.b

yandere! Bucky.

Warnings: torture, experimentation, angst, violence, gore, mentions of racism.

a/n: I don’t know what this is, really. i tried to make the reader as ambiguous as possible.

Civil war doesn’t exist.

//

As a child, you’ve always thought that the despair of living could only be portrayed within the gaps of literature. Each printed word, overly saturated on the yellowing pages, running down the page as water from the pipes above tarnished their delicate beauty. You’ve always thought that the monster had been something left for the untouchable parts of your mind, bringing a unique amalgamation of personal and general fear given by the text. What little remains of the dialogue within the books are no longer on the paper, but you’ve engraved it into the back of your head.

You toy with those words when they toy with you.

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