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Finding Our Way Back
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Febuwhump Prompt - nightmares
Prompt - ‘It's like our souls are made of the same thing, always making sure we find each other when we need each other the most.’
Bucky felt like he was suffocating, clawing at his neck in a desperate attempt to loosen the lump in his throat that was stopping him from breathing as he shot up, sitting up on bed and looking around wildly. Nothing was out of place as he took note of everything in the room, his mind slowly registering that there were no real threats.
Bucky didn’t know how long he sat there for, didn’t know when the lump in his throat gave way and left him panting for breath, didn’t know when the sweat dried and the adrenaline left his body leaving him exhausted and drained.
He did know there was no chance of him going back to sleep, not for the next few nights, not until his body shut down. The serum running through his veins would allow him three or four days without sleep, longer if forced but he’d start feeling the effects. He didn’t care though, everytime he closed his eyes he saw the bodies, the agents, that damned chair. He heard the whispered words that triggered him to act, to kill.
Bucky let out a shaky breath before looking around the room once more.
It had taken him a long time to fully adjust to having somewhere that was his but it never felt like home, nowhere did these days. Steve was gone, you were…god, what had it come to when Bucky didn’t even know what you were doing anymore.
He let the memories of when he first met you fill his head, wanting to drown out all the bad ones. He remembered you watching him, it had made him uneasy as you stared at him but never said a word. The two of you locked in a staring contest as Steve and Sam stood to the side, deciding on what to do with him.
He remembered waking up in Wakanda, remembered how you had chosen to stay behind, when he raised a questioning eyebrow at you, you had just shrugged but there was something under the surface, sadness, regret, something…
Bucky watched you watch him, he remembered the days you sat with him, sat on the floor with him when the bed or the sofa was much too soft. He remembered how you had taken his hand in yours, no words needing to be exchanged as you squeezed it gently, once, then twice.
Over time it had developed into a code of sorts between the two of you, two squeezes meant everything was fine, everything was going to be ok. One squeeze meant one of you needed out of a situation as discreetly but quickly as possible, admittedly Bucky had used that signal more than you had but you never failed to help him out, making it seem so casual.
He remembered as you sat with him that night, that night, when the trigger words were read to him, remembered not feeling anything, no emptiness, no shift, just himself, just James Barnes. He remembered being told he was free, remembered the tears falling down his face, the choked sobs of absolute relief as he turned to face you, practically falling into your arms as you held him, whispering words of praises and reassurances, both of you pulling away with matching smiles.
And Bucky, Bucky couldn’t help himself.
He leaned closer to you, slowly so you had time to pull away but you never did, instead you met him halfway and slotted your lips together. Months of pent up pining over each other was channelled into one kiss, going from soft and gentle to hungry and passionate.
The two of you ended up back in the room Bucky had been given but things never went further than the two of you kissing, holding the other close as you lay together in bed.
His thoughts turned to that day in Wakanda, how he had watched you turn back to face him, the last thing he saw before being blipped was the fear, god you had looked so scared, on your face.
And then he saw you turn to dust too but he was gone before you were.
Then you were brought back, Steve leading an army against Thanos. Everything was moving into action before Bucky had a chance to even look at you and he couldn’t find you out on the battlefield, he tried to find you but there were enemies coming from every direction and Bucky had to focus because if he didn’t then he’d spiral.
It felt like he had just gotten the all clear, that he was free to not be a killer and now here he was, thrust into another battle with no choice but to fight.
When the battle ended, Tony’s sacrifice ensuring their victory, he still couldn’t find you. His blood ran cold as he looked at the fallen on the ground, selfishly and desperately hoping you weren’t one of them.
“Hey,” He heard, whipping around to face Sam who looked as tired as Bucky felt, “She’s alive, she’s with Strange.” Sam told him, gesturing from where he had just come from.
Bucky shot him a grateful look before he ran over to where Doctor Strange was, you and him talking together quietly as he ran his hands over your lower leg, a golden glow surrounding the area as the skin knitted itself back together.
Bucky watched, choking on a sob causing you to look up at him, relief clear on your face as you pushed yourself up off the ground and ran into his arms, Bucky wrapping them tightly around as you buried your face in his chest.
“I’m so glad you’re ok,” You told him, words muffled against his shirt. Bucky pressed his face into your hair, rambling on about how glad he was you were safe, the two of you more than content to stay in each other's hold.
It was Steve leaving that caused the rift between the two of you. Bucky was finally allowed to be himself, no more HYDRA, no more trigger words, nothing, and then Steve had pulled him aside, reciting rehearsed lines about how he had to go back, how there wasn’t a place for him in this day and age.
Bucky barely held back his words of anger, of frustration because the one thing he could always depend on was Steve Rogers and now he was leaving him, to go back to the past, back to a life that didn’t exist anymore. Bucky thought they had both been through too much to even consider a life back there but apparently this was what Steve needed and who was Bucky to argue with that.
In the days that passed Bucky kept to himself, you tried desperately to be there for him, offer him a shoulder to cry on, somebody to talk to, somebody to sit silently with but Bucky wanted none of that. He wanted none of your comfort, none of your kind words.
One day the lack of sleep and the mix of feelings had become too much and he took his frustration out on you. He didn’t even want to recall the words he had said to you that day but he hadn’t seen you since, hadn’t heard from you.
Sometimes he picked up the phone, letting his thumb hover over your name but he never pressed it.
And he lived with the regret of that everyday. Once he managed to come to terms with the fact that Steve had left, once he had come to terms with his feelings, that’s when the regret settled in, when he realised just what a jerk he had been.
The next few days passed in a blur of therapist appointments and sitting alone in his apartment before something came along to break his routine - John Walker. Him and Sam could only do so much and as they sat in Sharon’s place in Madripoor it was Sam who suggested they involve you.
“No,” Bucky said, cutting him off immediately.
“Ah yes, the Y/L/N girl,” Zemo said, “I remember her well, she could be very useful.”
“She won’t come, Sam.” He told the other man, ignoring Zemo completely.
“Just call her.” Sam said, causing Bucky to laugh in disbelief.
“You want me to make the call?”
“Oh come on, Barnes, she loved you, hell I’m willing to bet she’s still in love with you. You said some shit you didn’t mean and I know Y/N, man, she’s probably not even pissed about what you said, she probably understands exactly where those words came from. My guess, she’s been waiting for a call, a call where you tell her you’re sorry.” Sam said to him, picking up his phone and holding it out to Bucky who sat on the sofa, the words like a slap to the face because Bucky knew you and Sam was probably right, ok so maybe say was absolutely right but he wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of admitting that.
He had never apologised, too scared to face you.
A few seconds passed but Bucky snatched the phone from Sam and stood up, heading out of the room for some privacy.
It took longer than Bucky would care to admit but eventually he pressed the call button, hesitating before bringing the phone up to his ear, each ring sending a wave of anxiety through him.
“Hello?” Hearing your voice had him relaxing in a way he hadn’t been able to for months. “Hello?” You said again, causing him to clear his throat.
“Hi Y/N,” He said softly.
“Bucky?” You asked in shock after a moment of silence, not expecting it would ever be him on the other end of the phone again.
“Yeah it’s me.” He said, not sure where to go from here, apologising over the phone didn’t feel right but he didn’t know if he could get you here without it.
“Is everything ok?” You asked when it became obvious he wasn’t going to say anything else.
“Y/N,” He began but then changed his mind, he wouldn’t apologise over the phone, “We need you.”
“We?” You asked with a roll of your eyes, of course this wasn’t the call you had wanted all those months ago.
“You heard about John Walker?” He asked, sensing the shift in your emotions and knowing he had screwed up some more.
“Yeah, he’s going round playing Captain America, what about him?” You asked, listening as Bucky explained what was happening.
“Will you help?” He finally asked.
“I’ll help.” You said after a long pause.
“Great, I’ll have Sam send you the details,” He said, practically feeling the eye roll from down the phone, “Thank you, Y/N.” He murmured softly before hanging up and staring down at the phone in his hands, kicking himself as he did.
When he reentered the room, he threw the phone at Sam before collapsing into the sofa.
“That good, huh?” He asked.
“She’ll help, just text her the details.”
As you knocked on the door of the address Sam had sent you, you felt your anxiety double and quickly wiped your palms against your coat cursing yourself for getting involved.
“Ah Y/N, so good to see you again.”
Your head snapped up at the accent, eyes widened as you looked up to see a man who should have been in a prison cell.
“They did not tell you I was helping.” He realised as he opened the door, gesturing for you to enter.
“Last time I saw you you were trying to kill Bucky.” You said as you made your way past him, looking around the house as you stepped further in.
“And now I’m not.” He said with a friendly grin, “Relax, he’s not here.”
You turned around to face him, raising an eyebrow at his words but did as Zemo said when he nodded.
“They left you alone here?” You asked as you followed him over to the kitchen area, nodding as he grabbed a mug and gestured it towards you.
“I have nowhere to run to, Y/N. My family is long gone and my mission has been completed, what more is there to do?” He asked and you had no answer to that, so instead you took the drink from him and sat together in silence.
“Y/N!” Sam’s voice had you turning around in your seat, watching as the man smiled as he made his way over to you, you meeting him halfway and letting him wrap you in a warm hug. “It’s so good to see you.”
“It’s good to see you too.” You told him, pulling back to smile up at him. When you fully pulled away from him your eyes were immediately drawn towards Bucky and you couldn’t help but smile softly despite everything.
He looked good.
“Hey Y/N/N,” He said, softly.
“Hi,” You replied just as quietly and the pair of you missed the eye roll from Sam who cleared his throat when neither of you said anything else.
Working with Bucky again was…nice. Being around him was nice and you found yourself relaxing more and more around him, feeling like things could go back to normal. For the rest of the day, spent planning your next move, neither of you mentioned that night though it hung over your heads.
That night, however, you were woken up when you heard a bang sound from the room next to yours. Cautiously you climbed out of bed, years of training kicking in as you silently walked towards Bucky’s door, pausing outside to listen for any threats but you heard nothing.
And then you heard a strangled gasp.
You opened the door, not much but enough so that you could slip in unnoticed, eyes quickly adjusting to the darkness of the room as you looked around for any threats but instead you saw Bucky tangled up in the bedsheets, sweat pouring off of him as the items on the nightstand lay sprawled on the floor.
Your eyes turned sympathetic as you watched him struggle and despite not being on the best of terms with him right now you knew you couldn’t leave him there, trapped inside his nightmare.
You made your way over to the bed, calling his name but he showed no signs of hearing you. You knew touching him was probably, definitely, a bad idea but you didn’t know how else to wake him up.
You shifted so you were closer to him, ready to catch the fist that you knew would undoubtedly swing for you subconsciously, thankful for your own super strength in that moment.
“Bucky,” You called softly as you gently shook him awake.
The moment your hand touched him he shot awake, vibranium arm swinging blindly in your direction, you just barely catching it like it weighed nothing, your other hand pinning his other shoulder down gently.
“Hey, it’s just me, it’s Y/N,” You told him, continuing to talk softly as he came out of his nightmare, blinking harshly against the sudden flood of tears that filled his eyes as he focused on the sound of your voice.
“That’s it, you’re ok, I got you,” You murmured, shifting your hand from his shoulder to run through his hair, watching as he became aware of his surroundings and slowly let go of his vibranium arm.
Bucky let himself lay still for a moment, enjoying the feel of your fingers threading through his hair as he struggled for breath but pretty quickly he needed to sit up, panting as he was able to breathe again.
He turned to face you, the tears finally leaking over onto his cheeks and you smiled sadly at him as you shifted so you were laying on the bed before tugging him close to you, resting his head against your chest as you rubbed his arm soothingly with one hand, the other going back to his hair.
You continued to whisper soft words of nothing, watching how he slowly caught his breath and turned further into you, wrapping his arm around your waist as he leaned up to nuzzle his face against your neck.
His face was wet from the tears but thankfully he had managed to stop crying, content to just lay with you and shut out the rest of the world.
“You wanna talk about it?” You finally asked after half an hour or so of laying together.
“No,” He mumbled into your neck, causing you to smile, before he let out a breath that sent a shiver down your spine, “Yes.”
“Take your time.” You told him, placing a gentle kiss to his hair.
“S’always the same, always strapped to that chair, the words. I see everyone I ever hurt, everyone I killed, dead because of me.” Bucky whispered not pulling away from you, not daring to look up at you.
“Because of HYDRA, Bucky, not because of you.” You told him, voice quiet but stern.
“I was the one who killed them, Y/N/N.” He told you, voice breaking as he did.
“Bucky, you never, never, would have killed if it wasn’t for those bastards. You can’t blame yourself. You’re free, Buck, no more words, no more HYDRA, it’s all gone.” You told him, feeling him relax against you as he took in your words.
The two of you stayed silent for a long while after that, Bucky slowly worked through the memories that had filled his head, now that the nightmare had passed, thoughts of you began to take over. You were savouring every moment with Bucky in your arms, not sure when or if you’d ever have him back again.
“I’m sorry,” Bucky said after a while, voice near silent but from his position you heard him clearly.
“What?” You asked, assuming he was apologising over the nightmare.
“What I said to you, you never deserved that and then I let all that time pass without calling you, I should’ve called you, baby. First thing I should have done was follow you out of that damn door and apologise but I was so far in my own head…” He told you, trailing off as he lost the words he thought about over and over again for months.
“All I wanted was an apology, Buck.” You told him, keeping your own voice quiet so as not to break the delicate atmosphere.
“And I should’ve given it to you months ago.” He said, finally shifting back so he could look up at you. “I was an idiot to let you walk away and I’ve regretted it every single day.”
You smiled down at him, easily seeing how much he meant those words.
“I really am sorry, baby.” He murmured, looking up at you with wide, apologetic eyes and you couldn’t help but chuckle softly as you ran your knuckles across his cheek.
“I forgive you.” You whispered watching as he relaxed into your touch, smiling up at you as he let out a huff of disbelief.
“You’re incredible, baby.” He told you, shifting so he was laying on his side, vibranium arm coming up to brush some hair from your face before he cupped your cheek in his palm, giving you plenty off time to move away as he leaned down to kiss you but just like your first kiss you leaned up and met his lips half way, the kiss was soft and slow, months apart from each other and all the missed time was put into the kiss, feelings of longing and relief that you had found your way back to each other.
Eventually Bucky pulled away, watching as you smiled up at him, eyes still closed and he knew it that moment you were it for him, he knew it in those months you’d been apart but he never let himself think it, not when he thought he had no chance of ever getting you back.
“I love you, baby.” He told you, the words falling out of his mouth without meaning to. You watched as his own eyes widened in shock at his words but you couldn’t help but smile wider up at him.
“I love you too.” You whispered before leaning up to kiss him again, your hand finding his and squeezing it twice.
And despite the fact you still had to deal with the wannabe Captain America, still had to clean up the messes that kept being made, you had a feeling that everything would be just fine, everything would go back to normal now that you and Bucky had found your way back to each other.
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Bucky Barnes Taglist (click the link in my bio to add yourself!) - @book-fic-reader, @dirtytissuebox, @countryday, @haroldpotterson, @hankgreenspelicanstrapon, @dindjarinsspouse, @anastas2904, @lovinnholland, @rottenstyx, @mads-weasley, @rosie-posie08, @secondaryjob, @destiny-oneshot-writer, @roseslovedreams, @lonelygodsmuse, @cinderellacauseshebroke, @black-rose-29, @chickensrule, @classyunknownlover, @fanf1ctionwrit1n, @hayden429, @frickin-bats, , @averyhotchner, @kodiakwhiskey, @chaoticevilbakugo, @sia2raw, @onyourgoddamnleft, @divanca2006, @silverose365,@siriuslyfearless, @mystic-writings, @levisbloodcut, @mrs-brekker15, @alexxavicry, @sweetdreamsjg, @alwaysclassyeagle, @asherhunterx @ordinarylokix, @carmellasworld, @benhardyslut, @jasontoddthezombie, @instabull, @buckysnumberonegirl, @parkershoco, @father-violet, @ur-mom21, @rosesinmars,@mmaiamore,
in step; atsumu miya
m.list ; next ; playlist
city council of nerdopolis
y/n l/n, shinsuke kita, keiji akaashi, kei tsukishima, and tetsuro kuroo
extras;
♫ kita & y/n are childhood friends
♫ kita & akaashi met at last years nationals
♫ the five of them became friends this year right after the summer training camp though they haven’t all met in person yet and have only video called each other
♫ y/n has had a small unserious crush on atsumu since their first year but never act on it because they’re not crazy about him
♫ i don’t really remember the whole timeline of nationals but this is like about 2 months beforehand because erm i said so !
taglist;
@soobin1437 @kenmacantakemeaway @diorzs @whimsybloom @does-directions
maybe the rest of the mlb seasons will be adrichat centric where he finds out the truth and gets closure on his situation! (delusional)
zodiac signs are real and the only proof you need is that literally all aquariuses are like that. you know what im talking about.
That moment you realize that you, like a certain self-sacrificing bastard, have the emotional capability of wet paper.
★★★★★★★★★★★★★
★ || name ; Just call me Eli ! <3
★ || What is this account for?; This account is for fun and laughs! And I do write a few fic every now and then BUT! It takes a while for me to post and write sometimes Cause I'm a busy person!
★ || How often will you post?; Posts are slow unfortunately!
★ || What fandoms are you in?
Dark Deception
Happy tree friends
IT
Fnaf sister location
hazbin hotel
★ || Characters I'm crushing on..Like hard-
Secret history tails
Funtime freddy
Flippy
Fliqpy
Lucky the rabbit
korekiyo
kokichi
Deku
Pennywise (don't ask just go with the flow.)
Molten freddy
Azulin
Flaky
nutty
Mouse Ka-Boom
Sneaky
Harley quinn
Reaper nurses
Mileena
Toy bonnie
Withered bonnie
★ || Facts about..Me!;
I'm terrified of dogs if I don't know the dog atleast!
I have adhd!
I'm a very loud..? Person I would say!
I love stickers!
Characters I Kin: Funtime freddy,Sundrop,Kokichi, Katsuki Bakugou
I play sports!
I'm 18+ (if your not 18+ I cant really force you to leave but i will ask nicely!)
I'm Christian!
I'm bisexual
DNI IF!
racism,
homophobia,
xenophobia,
animal
cruelty,
transphobia,
sexism,
sexual harassment,
pedophilia,
And discriminations ain't allowed here so If you do this stuff Just Gon head and click right off this account Since nobodys forcing ya to stay!
You've made it to the Bottom!
And That's all about me and this account! Thank you for Reading! Buh-Bye! <3
★★★★★★★★★★★
everything he does feels like a fever dream to me 👁️👄👁️
bonus: he’s back!
Silly list of some of my fav fictional men :)
Please tell me I'm not the only one who hasn't played "Among Us"
-♠️
I got a gojo figurine I'm so fucking happy
this is a visual representation of how my poor brain works 24/7..
WE MUST STAY FOCUSED🚨🙏
richard kruspe in live aus berlin tho