Cassian Angst - Tumblr Posts

Cassian X Fem Reader

Summary: Cassian a loyal friend. One who knows what each one of his family member needs and does his best to provide them with the care they deserve. Being someone's light at the end of their tunnel comes with a price. Sometimes Cassian needs someone to shower him with the love and care he so freely gives to others.

Content Warnings: Poor Mental Health, and not taking care of of one's self properly

Sara's Notes: Hey before you dive in, I need to give credit to @riddlesb1tch for this idea. I ready This fic and it really inspired me so I beg you to read this first!

Tag List Request ACOTAR Masterlist

Dividers by @tsunami-of-tears

Cassian landed on his balcony in the house of wind with a thud, he barely had enough energy to fly to his room. He knew he wouldn’t be able to provide the joy or give his friends the attention they deserved. His body felt weighed down by bricks, each step toward his bed more difficult than the last. He didn’t bother taking off his leathers as he collapsed to his bed.

The general’s thoughts were swarming in rapid speed, and he knew that it would prevent him from sleeping. Guilt slammed into him as though he a wall collapsed on him. Closing his eyes he tried to focus on his breathing as the correlating panic began to build. Cassian bit his lip trying to keep it from wobbling as tears began to pool behind his eyelids. The heavy feeling in his chest not easing, his usual breathing techniques failing him.

The Lord of Bloodshed knew his friends were struggling and relied on him for guidance, a punching bag, a comforting hug. Yet here he was battling an internal war that he was losing. A battle no one close to him knew he was fighting and have been since the war.

Yet guilt was consuming him and he let out a pained whimper. As though his wings were once again shredded.

Cassian was barely able to conjure enough energy to illuminate his siphons let alone be there when his family needed him.

Bustard.

Brute.

Pathetic.

 These feelings would pass, they always did, but first he would rest his eyes and try to not let the weight of world crush him. Try not to let the guilt of letting his family down, of letting you down consume him. And it was the look of disappointment on your features that flashed into his mind before the darkness consumed him whole and his body gave in.

You finished off doing your stretches with Azriel in the training ring looking at the entryway from the house. You were bursting with excitement, as you had just got home from a long mission and missed the routine that came with training, but you had simply missed Cassian. His smile, his warm embrace, the way his hair would tickle your nose when held you tightly in his arms, His presence alone calmed you down on days when your anxiety would spike. A pinky wrapped around your own, a hand on your shoulder, or a wing tucking you closer toward the Illyrian warrior, his touch became one you were dependent on and growing to yearn for.

An hour went by, you refused to move an inch not wanting to start without Cassian, not wanting to miss an opportunity to show him you’d been practicing while you were away. Not wanting to miss the look of pride on his face when he learned you finally mastered the maneuver that had been taking you months to.

Another hour went by.

And another.

It was at the fourth hour that Azriel kissed the crown of your head, “I have to go.” He whispered, but his words fell on deaf ears as you remained planted in the center of the sparring ring; your eyes never leaving the door hoping red illumination would brighten the dark, cold corridor.   “Sweetheart, he is in his room. Go” You turned to see a shadow swirling near his ear, Azriel’s eyes holding a slight worry in them. He splayed a palm on your back and lightly pushed you, urging you to go inside.

You wrapped your arms around the shadowsinger before he could began pushing you to the doorway, “Safe travels, Az.”  You pulled away and bolted into the enchanted house that you, Azriel and Cassian called home. The hall became a blur of blacks and grays until you reached the familiar door of the General’s room. You lightly knocked, “Cassian,” you called out slightly out of breath by your endeavor silence met you after you called out to him. You knocked once more, “Hey, I missed you at training this morning.” You had missed him, his smile, his warm hazel eyes, his beautiful silky hair. Being away from him for so long left an ache in your chest. “Cassie?”

Worry etched your eyebrow; you opened the door just enough to peek inside. Cassian’s back was facing you, wings tucked in. His curtains were drawn tightly ensuring no sun came into his room. His shoulders were rising and falling in slow steady beats, all indication that he was asleep. “I’ll check in on you later then, sleepy boy,” you whispered. Shutting the door you began walking away, concern weighing down on you with every step away from the Lord of Bloodshed’s door. Approaching the stairs you paused, looking back at the shut door. Your heart aching for the male on lying on the other side.

Cassian listened for the door to latch before he allowed the tears to cascade down his cheeks. Guilt overrides his senses and for a brief moment he wasn’t thinking about those heavy burdens he shouldered. His only thought was that in the haze of his grief and self-loathing he failed the one person he cared for most:

You.

The General knew you were coming home, and he had tried to swallow the heaviness of his feelings for you, but his bones felt as though they were weighted down. The guilt of missing your training had caused him to groan in pain and suddenly he wasn’t reaching to get out of his bed. No, his mind took him to the last time he crawled to you.

Cassian had heard your scream from the sky, only to find you clutching your side as you collapsed to the floor, not before you sunk your blade into the chest of your attacker, the strike hitting true to the target. Distracted by your injury, Cassian had left himself open for an attack and several ash arrows pierce the leather of his wings. The male howled in pain as he tumbled to the ground as Hybern’s armies pushed the line.

Colliding with the solid ground he heard the snapping of his bone, and he winced in pain. Blinking away the blood from his eyes, he lifted his head, and his blood ran cold. You were curled in a fetal position, your leathers torn and sweat coated hair struck to the side of your face, not noticing the Hybern soldier preparing his sword behind you. With a lift of his hand he summoned his power, what little he had left to spare and blast the soldier away from you. You were quick to cover your ears with a whimper escaping your lips.

The General began to crawl with his one functioning arm, gritting his teeth as he did so. The strain on his body, sweat and blood swirling together and dripping along side his face. The battle around him since forgotten he had one goal in mind and that was reach you.

“Sweetheart,” Cassian called out as he reaches out his hand, “Come to me.”

“It hurts Cassian, my whole body feels like it’s on fire. Make it stop. Please. Make it stop.”

 Cassian placed a pillow over his face as the sounds of your pleas rang in his head:

Please

Please

Please

Cassian let out a sob, and another one until his cries drowned out the strained voice of your own from all those years ago. Before he could stop them, his mind began to spiral into all his failings.

Azriel; never getting the protection he deserved as a child.

Rhysand sacrificing fifty years of his life in order to keep him and Velaris safe.

Feyre being forced to return to the spring.

Nesta and Elain being made.

Azriel’s wings getting shredded.

You getting injured on the battlefield.

The pained expression of yours when he left that night after Nesta on solstice, as you held out a gift out with his name on it.

Cassian hated himself for making you feel like you were less than. What you didn’t know was that when you ran out to get his gift Nesta had made a cruel comment about your character right as she collected her money for rent and made her way to her seedy apartment. Cassian’s anger and protectiveness of you won out from his rationality to let the eldest Archeron walk away. The cost was seeing the hurt on your face that you tried so desperately to hide from him had broken something in him. You suddenly became quiet; you were biting your lip so that it wouldn’t betray your real emotions.

Not being able to handle another moment of your behavior; the Lord of Bloodshed had scooped you in his arms and pressed your face into his shoulder. In mere minutes, he felt your shoulders shake and the sound that followed had been branded on Cassian’s soul. The blood curdling cry finally releasing the months of pent-up emotions from the war and everything that predated it was released. The rest of the Inner Circle were quick to leave the duo to their privacy as Cassian soothingly rubbed your back, whispering sweet words to calm you down.

The two of you had never talked about that night but by the next day you were bantering with him as though nothing happened, but he could see the distance in your eyes. As a result, he pushed you harder in training until you had let out all the fears and doubts that had crept into your mind after years of keeping quiet about it.

Cassian had felt guilty and still did about not being able to see how you were hurting and withdrawing from the others. He had failed you in so many ways. He couldn’t even pull a recent memory of when you smiled at him last and in its place the pained expression on the battlefield urged Cassian out of bed to try to find you. The General’s limbs still weighed him down and he only managed a few steps before his legs failed him and he collapsed to his knees. He didn’t have the energy to cry out in pain. Instead, he collapsed onto the cool carpet and resigned to lay there until the weight of his chest lifted or caused his heart to stop beating all together.

He simply wasn’t aware that there was a shimmering gold connection blown opened wide, and his emotions were flooding to the one person he didn’t want to see like this.

You.

You sat in the dining hall and pushed around your food once again keeping your eyes glued to the door where the hall was illuminated by dimmed fae lights. You waited for Cassian to come join you for dinner figuring he would be awake by then. You pressed your lips in a tight line opting to drop your fork on your plate and smooth out the skirt of the new red gown you had bought. The gown was the finest silk with a corset bodice that had mesh revealing your bare skin. You wanted to look nice for the occasion of finally being able to See Cassian.

He never appeared; you had waited until the candles had burned down to nubs before you rose. “Bring me a plate, please.” You called out and the house provided a plate of all of Cassian’s favorites along with a goblet of wine. “Thank you.” Straightening your spine you rose from your seat; grabbing the plate and the wine and set off toward Cassian’s room.

Something was wrong. You felt it in the tightness in your chest as you grew near his room.  You were halfway down the hall when you felt it.

Anguish.

Self-Loathing.

Guilt.

You gritted your teeth to ground yourself from the waves of emotion bombarding you but it’s what came after that caused you to drop the plate and goblet in your hands, not caring that the contents have splashed up onto your skirts. The feeling causing tears to prickle in the back of your eyes.

Numbness

“Cassian!” You screamed, as you bolted toward his room. You reached his room, not caring that you slammed his door almost pulling it from its hinges. The sight before you elicited a sob to escape your throat. “Cassian.” You whimper.

The male you admired more than anything in this world was lying on the ground; his eyes puffy and glossed over his cheeks, having fresh tears streaming down. You slowly approach the male, and with a furrowed brow and tears falling of your own, you lay on the floor beside him. His arm instinctively gripped your waist. Your tender fingers find his face, and his dulled hazel eyes look into yours. “Cassie, what’s going on?”

“I’m Fine.” His voice was hoarse as if he spent most of the day crying.

“You’re not.” You countered.

“I will be.”

Your thumb stroked the stray tears from his face, and you shake your head. “No, Baby.” You sighed, pressing your forehead against his, and he gripped your waist tighter. “What happened?”

Cassian could feel the emotions stirring again and as if his darkness called to you, you responded with light and the feelings of love, and being cared for flooded him combating the dark feelings he was close to fully submitting to. “It’s too much. I feel like I’m drowning.” He whispered, his thumb stroking your waist and feeling the mesh material, solidifying you were here.

You had come for him.

You pulled your head away from his and rose to your feet. “On your feet, General.” Cassian sits up as you hold out your hand for him to take. His calloused fingers wrap around yours and you help pull him up to his feet quickly placing his arm over your shoulder your arm slid around his waist. Cassian took in your scent of berries and a hint of vanilla, and the weight lifted slightly from his chest.

“I can take care of myself.” Cassian grumbles as he hears the house start the water for a bath for him.

“I know you can.” Your tone soft, tears were still running down your face. “Your hurting, and its clear you need someone to take care of you.” You looked up at him and your thumb rubs lazy circles on the top of his hand. “Cassian, you always take such great care of me.” You gave his hand a gentle squeeze. “Allow me to take care of you. Please.”

Cassian took a moment to study your face, sadness was there but not an ounce of pity in your features. You looked determined to help whether he agreed or not. “Okay.”

You grinned at him and sharply took a breath, relieved that that he could do so without the dark wall crushing his lungs. You were the light that he needed; your touch mended wounds not visible to the naked eye but have been festering inside Cassian for centuries. And then you led him to the bathroom and helped him remove his leathers. Cassian simply knew one thing.

You were his salvation.

The warmth of the bath loosened the tense muscles of the Illyrian warrior. He hummed as the warm water caressed his wings. Cassian’s eyes slid to where you were gathering supplies, noticing the new dress you were wearing and how it hugged your figure beautifully. His eyes drifted down, and guilt bubbled up as he saw the stains on the bottom. “Where did the stains on your dress came from?” Cassian cleared his throat as it was still dry, and you moved closer with a glass of water in your hands and various soaps.

“Don’t worry about it.” You muttered kneeling down beside him and reaching toward him gently placing the glass to his lips and he greedily took large swigs, the cold water easing the soreness of his throat. You smiled at him as you placed the glass down.

Reaching for some soap Cassian gripped your wrist, “Did you ruin your new dress because of me?” Your eyes widened, his voice wavered, you had never seen this side of Cassian before.

You sighed. Standing up you begin to undo the corset. Cassian tilted his head in confusion until you let the bodice fall and the skirts pulled at your feet and Cassian couldn’t help but stare at your ethereal form. You picked up your dress and walked out of the room. Moments go by before Cassian hears the roar of the fire crackling and you have returned with one of his shirts on your body. “There. Nothing to worry about now.” You smiled as you took your spot kneeling beside him.

“Sweetheart-

“Hush, Cassian.” He shut his mouth, “You will always be more important to me than a silly dress.” You gently tilt his head back and wet his hair. He watched you work as you lathered the shampoo in your hands and began massaging his scalp. He groaned and you smiled as you could feel the weight of what he’s been holding onto begins to melt away. Feeling brave you asked, “Do these episodes happen often?” You rinse out his hair meeting his eyes.

“They have been more frequent as of late. This was the first time; I couldn’t manage it.” Cassian murmured. As you warmed the soap you would use to wash his body. He continued as you began to rub the rag down his back, “It started small, things I could handle, a fleeting insecurity here. An insult that lingered over there. Lately though.” He sighed. As you began to delicately wash his wings, something you had done countless times before. “It feels like the thoughts build and stack on each other until one day the comes in a colossal wave and I get swept up in the current.”

You paused and angled yourself so you could meet his eyes. “Cassian, does this happen when everyone is coming to you for their problems?” Cassian averted your gaze but your delicate hand against his chin had him looking back at you. “Be honest.”

The General nodded his head. He watched as You schooled your features into one of neutrality, but Cassian knew better.

You were blaming yourself.

“Stop it.” He quipped.

“Stop what?” You throw back as you finish washing his body.

“Stop blaming yourself.”

“I’m not.”

“You are.” You handed him a towel as you crossed your arms. Wrapping the towel around his waist he approached you and you had to crane your neck to look at him. “Sweetheart, I’m okay.”

“You’re not.” You whispered, “Cassian, I Felt what you were feeling. It felt as though someone was ripping my heart out.” You gripped his hand on your own and placed a gentle kiss to his knuckles. “I’m sorry I should have seen the signs. I failed you.”

Cassian’s eyes widened at her words. “You almost died under my command.” He whispered. Your head whipped up at his confession.

“No, baby.” You shook your head, “What happened at Hybern was my mistake, but something tells me that no matter how hard I try to convince you. You won’t be convinced. We can talk about it. Tomorrow. Tonight is simply about taking care of you.” You led him into the bedroom and Cassian squeezed your hand looking for comfort.

And his lips tilt upward when he felt a light squeeze in return.

Cassian was in heaven. He had you straddling his lap watching the flames erupt as you brushed his long dark hair. His calloused hands skimmed your thighs his thumb tracing circles idly on your bare skin. Placing your hands on his shoulders you smiled, “Can I braid your hair?”

Cassian rolled his eyes, “No.”

His honey glazed eyes slowly returning from the dull pits they were, stared at you as you pouted. Rolling his eyes for a second time, “Fine.” Your face brightening caused him to smile, and you paused as you slid off his lap. “What?”

“You smiled for the first time today?” You whispered, “I was worried I was getting annoying.”

“Rhys is annoying. Mor is annoying. Your company, my dear,” He took a steadying breath grabbing your hand. “Brings me out of the darkest corners of my mind.” He began kissing the inside of your palm, “My light.” He kissed your thumb, and you could barely get air in your passageways, “My star.” He kept kissing fingers until his eyes locked on yours. “My mate.” He kissed your pulse point on your wrist. Before releasing you, fighting every urge to kiss you. “How long did you know?”

“The war.” You shift on your feet. “I should have told you-

Cassian gripped your waist, and you sat back on his lap, the idea of braiding his hair long gone. His mouth seals over yours for a gentle chaste kiss. “I knew too.” The words warm the gold bond that is shining brighter since you arrived. “This wasn’t how I wanted to have this conversation.”

You ran your fingers through his hair. “Cass, I don’t want to have this conversation tonight. We have to talk about other things.”

He tucked a loose strand of hair behind your ear. “I know, Let’s talk about it tomorrow. All of it.” He cups your cheek, and you lean into his palm. “Right now, I would like to sleep.”

Your eyes locked onto his. “Tomorrow?” You question.

He gives a curt nod. “Tomorrow.”

You smile, “Let’s go to bed.”

Cassian held you in his arms as you slept nuzzled against his bare chest. His wings provide you with extra warmth. He smiled as the female of his dreams was his, and with her near, the loud dark voices faded away as new ones took its place.

Loved.

Worthy.

Brave.

Mated.

A loving friend.

A kind soul.

Words you had used to describe him before you fell asleep and in tandem with you sending love down the bond Cassian believed he could be those things. That he was worth asking for help as much as he was willing to provide it. He kissed the top of your head, and you tucked your head deeper in his chest. “I love you, sweetheart.”

You didn’t stir or mumble anything in return, but he could feel your love through the bond and his eyes watered at the overwhelming joy.

He was worthy of having a mate.

Worthy of having someone to go on adventures with.

Worthy to have someone pull him from the depths of his despair as he had done countless times for others.

Worthy of Laughing.

Worthy of joy.

Worthy of you.

Cassian, General of the Night Court’s Armies, The Lord of Bloodshed was Worthy

~Fin

Story Tags: @milswrites @lady-of-tearshed @thelov3lybookworm @berryzxx @pit-and-the-pen

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