(I'm Heartbroken) - Tumblr Posts

KUNIKIDA!

on a brighter note, Akutagawa's back!

THIS IS WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT THERES TOO MUCH OF THIS IN MY FEED THE QUALITY ITSELF IS MAKING ME CRY

#I’m heartbroken

i want a new pair od doc martens 1460s so bad its almost visceral. i thoroughly regret throwing away my old ones they were perfectly fine T-T but im too broke to get new ones right now. why must i be a poor 20-something? but alas i have a car and student loans. why cant i just be a little creature and clomp around in some good stomping boots

that last line. fuck this hurt so much. oc asking jungkook what he wants and him remaining silent... PAIN im gasping for air and waiting to see what happens next. i already see so much distance and longing now that they aren't going to be talking anymore.. i'm just sad now. jungkook pls get your feelings in order before you lose oc forever :((

( 13. ) A LOVER’S KISS.

a friends with benefits relationship never ends on a good note. unless, both parties are not dumb fucks who find themselves falling for each other along the way of their agreement, of course.

and in yours and jeongguk’s case, you should have known better than to think the two of you would be an exception to the so-called curse of being friends with benefits with someone you already hold dear to you, since not even five months since it was agreed upon—the line between being only friends and being a little like lovers only continue to get hazier and hazier.

━ jeongguk x reader ━ 2.9k words. ━ 18+ ━ smut | angst | fluff | friends with benefits au | idiots to lovers au | college au | yearning? pining? | ft. swimmer!jeongguk, editor-in-chief!reader (small appearances from swimmer!jimin & associate editor!taehyung) ━ warning/s: swearing | AAANGGGGSSSTTTT !!!

note. no smut for this part, but i’m keeping the rating 18+ and have the smut label above since this drabble series overall isn’t suitable for minors !!

[ chapter index. ]

EPISODE 13. the one with outburst !

the bus was crowded as usual for rush hour, all of the seats almost taken but you thankfully secured one for yourself, sitting beside a middle-aged lady who looked like she was in a deep discussion with whoever she was texting with on her cellphone. you tried not to peer at her screen whenever she clicked her tongue and seemed exasperated, not keen on being an eavesdropper in any kind of situation but you couldn’t help it since your mind was craving to indulge in any kind of distraction as well that would help this smothering sensation to vanish.

however, the fact that you were sharing the seat with the mentioned woman with her elbow accidentally hitting you once in a while inside the jampacked bus wasn’t the reason why you felt like you were suffocating at the moment, your chest feeling tight and your hands getting clammy despite the air-condition pointed towards your direction, but it was because of none other than jeongguk and haru—your two friends standing respectively on your other side by the aisle, with jeongguk standing nearer to you as the side of his thigh kept on bumping on your shoulder every time the vehicle juggled a little, while haru was next to him, engaging into small talk—that were the reason why you were so close to hyperventilating in that small space.

maybe haru jumping from one topic to another was his way of trying to lighten the atmosphere and make you less worried given the tensed air around you three (a signature haru move frankly), but truth be told, there was nothing that could make your body less heavier thanks to what just happened minutes ago before you were getting in the bus, jeongguk muttering to you that he’ll be getting off the same stop as you and that the both of you will talk. you narrowed your eyes at him when he said that, hissing back that he shouldn’t do so since you got off the bus before haru and if haru saw you and jeongguk seemingly heading to your apartment together—what more would he assume? you were already paranoid with the act that jeongguk pulled and if jeongguk was to do that too, he’d be practically rubbing it to haru’s face that there was something indeed going on.

“so what?” jeongguk hissed while he led you to the bus itself, a hand on your back and his lips slightly brushing against your ear for walking too close to you, “why the fuck do you care what haru thinks about so much?”

“it’s not that,” you hissed back, taking a cautious glance at where haru was having a phone call with a classmate, his attention obviously not on you and jeongguk as he walked behind you two, “it’s just no one is supposed to know.”

“jimin and yebin know.”

“they’re different.”

“how?”

“they’re not in the gang.”

he scoffed. “that’s a fucking stupid excuse.”

“excuse? do you think i’m just telling excuses not to tell haru?”

“aren’t you?”

“you’re a dumbass.” you glared at him, subtly shaking the hand still on your back for it to come off, and marched faster inside the vehicle, taking your seat then and not daring to look at jeongguk again no matter how you could feel him staring at you throughout the whole ride, especially whenever you replied to haru’s attempt of a conversation or whenever you seemed like you weren’t as bothered as you were earlier. he just really liked getting on your nerves these days, didn’t he?

“what’s with saturday?” jeongguk intervened amidst this new discussion haru opened, the one about the book fair again.

haru glanced at him. “the meteorlore book fair we go to annually.”

“with taehyung too?”

“yep,” haru confirmed.

“ah.”

“why?”

“nothing. for a second there i thought it was just going to be the two of you.”

you flickered your stare on jeongguk, catching him and haru doing this annoying showdown, similar to what commenced at the sidewalk earlier.

“that wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen,” haru said. “i’m sure it’ll be fun nonetheless.”

“of course. never said it wasn’t going to be.” jeongguk snorted.

“i know.”

you rolled your eyes, focusing on the windows with the plan of ignoring them. you were definitely not in the mood to witness or hear what they were aiming to throw at each other, too pissed to even think of stepping in like what you would have done. you were already exhausted with just the thought of what you were going to talk about with jeongguk later that you couldn’t bring yourself to spend some energy over testosterone-y matters like this, partially disappointed at haru as well for biting onto jeongguk’s petty baits.

fuck. also the added thought of haru apparently liking you was another thing that was going to give you a headache.

finally, once the bus halted upon reaching your destination, you stood up and forced smiled at haru to conceal whatever it was that you were going through, telling him that you’ll see him tomorrow for the scheduled campus publication team meeting after classes. he returned the gesture, at the same time when jeongguk abruptly started to walk ahead of you towards the exit, which drove the former to raise his eyebrows in question but before he could ask, you were already rushing to walk yourself out of the bus as well, catching up with jeongguk with your heart hammering in annoyance and paranoia still at his recklessness.

sure, it wasn’t like this was the first time jeongguk had ever done something obvious nor have you—but you were under the impression that after what happened when jimin and yebin did notice it, also leading to them knowing about your messed up set-up, the both of you were going to remain more careful and inconspicuous from that point on to avoid more slip ups. though clearly, that didn’t seem like the case anymore as jeongguk continued to stride to the path where he knew your apartment was going to be, fueling your theories on why he was acting this way as well as he ignored your calls and hisses of his name until you grabbed his arm and forced him to stop walking.

“what is your deal?” you asked him immediately, panting and holding tight on the jacket he wore for the chilly night.

jeongguk halted, biting the insides of his cheeks, his body and eyes turned towards you. “are you seriously asking me that?”

“does it look like i’m joking?” you glowered. “do you even think i’d ask you if i knew what was going on? i don’t have all the time in the world to realize what you’re mad about without you telling me, jeongguk.”

“you weren’t answering any of my calls.”

“yeah, and i apologized already.”

“well, you didn’t sound fucking apologetic.”

“oh my god—is this what you want to talk about? the fact that i didn’t answer your calls?”

“no, that’s ridiculous.”

“then what?” you huffed before you let go of his sleeve. “what is it?”

he gritted his teeth.

“don’t tell me it’s about me going with haru because if it is—” you shook your head— “i swear to god, you’re just being stupid.”

his straightened his posture, irritation escalating. he didn’t think you would bring that up as soon as the two of you were alone; he was hoping you’d instead have the guts to do it when you were both in an ideal or quiet place like your said apartment, not here in the middle of the sidewalk right in front of milk tea house where he didn’t want to throw a fucking tantrum at because of your correct assumption.

everything inside him has been burning in a bad way right from the moment he saw you strolling with haru to the bus stop. regardless of what jeongguk did to take no notice of this awful uproar within him, he kept on being reminded of how long he waited until you looked at where he was earlier, only acknowledging his presence after haru pointed it out. he could only imagine how pathetic he must have appeared with his phone pressed against his ear, not one call from him being answered out of the dozens he made because of the jealousy he admittedly felt upon learning you went to the new noodle restaurant with haru, furious that you did that when the original plan was to go with him and no other person. he almost felt guilty for cancelling it because of his training—hence his sent text message—that he was going to treat you to this bingsu place you like instead, though discovering what you did in his absence, betrayal was the dominant emotion he soon felt rather than guilt.

“what if it was?” jeongguk asked. “you were supposed to go there with me.”

your forehead wrinkled, caught off guard yourself. “you were the one who couldn’t go in the first place. it’s not like i bailed on you.”

“you didn’t, but you went with someone else.”

“so? is that such a fucking problem?”

“it is!” he suddenly exclaimed, frustrated. “why did you have to go with haru out of all the people?”

“he’s a friend, why wouldn’t i?”

“you could have gone with goeun or taehyung too. it didn’t have to be just you and haru.”

“literally, that doesn’t have any difference from me just going with one person.”

“it makes all the fucking difference in the world.”

“in what way? haru is just a—”

“come on, you’re not fucking dense to be unaware that he likes you, ____!” jeongguk cut you off, shouting, catching the attention of some passersby due to the loudness of his voice. “do you really not know that already or are you just acting dumb so that he could go around and chase you more?”

you shut your mouth, eyes becoming glassy at the implication of his words and the treatment you were getting from him. you were in absolute disbelief at how he was behaving this second, at how he was so angry with you and rash with his words—though what struck you the most was the confirmation that he knew who haru liked and yet he kept on being so vague about it with you. it just supported your suspicions further on why he has been so moody and cold since the other week.

“well, now i fucking do,” you said, daring to glare back. “so, that’s it then. you’re being a dick to me because you’re jealous.”

“i am not jealous.”

“okay,” you crossed your arms, evidently unconvinced, “because you shouldn’t be. if you were, you’d be a goddamn hypocrite.”

he gave you an incredulous look. “hypocrite?”

“yeah, because you’re giving me the impression that you want me to avoid haru just because he likes me but you didn’t even do the same when it was with soomi.”

jeongguk scoffed. “oh, don’t bring that up. that’s just low of you to mention that—”

“why not? it’s the perfect fucking time to talk about it.”

“we’ve been over it—”

“no, you are over it, jeongguk.” you cut him off swiftly, pointing at him, the pad of your index finger landing hardly on his chest. “because you weren’t the one who felt stupid while all of that was going on, okay? you weren’t the one who… who... felt like a fucking idiot to think and trust that you wouldn’t go for her because you already had me.”

his expression faltered, outrage morphing into something else at your statement. “what?”

“fuck. do i have to spell everything out for you?” you complained, rubbing your face and running your fingers up to your hair in exhaustion. “you had me, guk,” you repeated with an exhale, like a huge weight has just been lifted off your shoulders when you said those words again, “i’ve always been here—and i’m always with you and when you magically decided to try dating someone for real, you still went for someone like fucking choi soomi,” you said. “but i guess, it’s my fault, isn’t it? for making it seem like i wanted out? for not stopping her or whatever, right?” you laughed without humor. “but how come you get to be mad at me for that but i can’t be mad at you for choosing her? and now… now, what? you get to be angry again just because i had dinner with haru?”

jeongguk stared at you; he was staring at your features—your features that showed him nothing but pain and hurt and how much of a fucking asshole he is. by what you were saying, it only brought more anger in his system, but no longer towards your situation with haru—it was now towards himself and what he was doing just because he couldn’t get the balls to tell you how he really felt. he didn’t even realize that you were still hung up with the soomi incident as you never showed him your contempt in regards to her again after it was resolved; he couldn’t believe he honestly thought you’d be over that as fast as he was.

“you can’t always pull this shit with me,” you told him, wiping some tears that managed to escape your eyes, scoffing once more and flashing your gaze at anywhere but his face. “you can’t tell me one day that i’m not your girlfriend and then act like you’re my boyfriend the other. you can’t keep on confusing the fuck out of me. i… i can’t—i can’t keep on holding onto you like this.”

he sighed. “____, i’m... you know, you know that was never my intention.”

“it doesn’t matter whether it was or wasn’t. the point is this thing between us hasn’t been the same as it was.”

“alright, then let’s fix it.”

“this can’t be fixed just like that.”

“then what? what do you want to do?” he stared at you. don’t say it, ____, don’t say it, please, please—

“you already know what i’m thinking of, guk.”

“____—” he tried stepping towards you but you automatically stepped back, pulling your tote bag tighter to your side.

“let’s just stop this,” you abruptly declared, your attention not on him but at the milk tea shop to feel a bit braver about what you were doing; jeongguk closed his eyes momentarily, every bone and every organ inside him seemingly crashing down. “let’s just stop it, jeongguk.”

he couldn’t reply; his lungs felt like it just combusted and his throat transformed into sand paper.

“i don’t want to end up hating you. and, and, i’m afraid i’ll end doing exactly that if we continue this.” you pursed your lips. “so… let’s just stop it until i know i can still forget about it, okay?”

you were too good for him. even now when he could see that it was taking every piece of you not to seriously lash out, you were still tending him with such care and kindness that he was sure he didn’t deserve.

“is that what you really want?” jeongguk asked, his own pair of eyes glassy and stinging.

you snorted at his reply. “if i say no, what would you do?” you bravely returned your gaze on him.

“i… i don’t know.”

“you don’t?”

he swallowed hard. “i don’t want to lose you, ____.”

“but you don’t want to have me either.”

he furrowed his eyebrows, puzzled.

“that’s the thing with you.” you sucked in a deep breath. “you say you don’t want to lose me but you’re not doing anything to keep me too.”

“that’s… that’s not true.”

“okay, then tell me right now, let’s be real, do you want to date me or you just want to be friends? because you can’t have a mix of both and expect that we’ll be fine.”

in movies or in dramas, this was supposed to be the part where the male lead doesn’t hesitate and tell his counterpart that he wants to date her and be with her after the countless episodes of pining and yearning; this was supposed to be the part where they hug or kiss and confess their everlasting love to one another, vowing that nothing will ever separate them again. but with jeongguk? in this horrible place you called as reality? he chose to stay frozen on his spot and only stare at you, at lost at how he was going to respond to that when the answer was quite obvious if we were talking about what you truly wanted him to do.

you just wanted him to pick you; you just wanted him to try falling for you like what he did with soomi. was that so hard to ask for?

“see?” you said after a few seconds of silence, your impatience getting the best of you. “you can’t even respond to such a simple question.”

“____...” he kept on uttering your name, not knowing what else to do than that. “i’m sorry. i just—this... this isn’t something i can—i can decide on that fast.”

you huffed. it was only either friends or something more. how difficult was that? “sure. i’ll let you think more about it if that’s what you want.” you nodded halfheartedly. “but, but until then,” you frowned at the ground, your eyes tearing up again at the feeling of rejection, “let’s… let’s just not be both.”

jeongguk seemed to have gotten a wake up call at that, yet his feet didn’t immediately start following you even after you suddenly began to stride forward like nothing happened. instead, he remained standing there, rigid as ever with his chest weighing the heftiest as it has since the night haru confessed to liking you, his eyes glued on your back while you trudged to the direction of your place with your head hung low, not sparing him a single glance as you went farther and farther away from his sight.

watching you walk away from him hurt jeongguk like fucking hell; not having him run after you felt all the fucking same for you.

note. im gonna be honest folks and say im not 100% happy with how i wrote this chapter but hsdjhsjdsh im not that good with angst really i swear so tHIS WAS SUCH A PAIN TO WRITE HSDJSHDHSJ nonetheless, i hope i still got what this episode is supposed to show across so huehue

THANK YOU FOR READING & FEEDBACK IS ALWAYS APPRECIATED ! ♡(ˆ‿ˆԅ)

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hdhahdhajfbajdnaudb Okay having Thoughts™️ about some of these ‘Odysseus raises Astyanax’ fics. Because. Because if we’re talking about the full odyssey experience. If Astyanax were to survive. He would have spent 11 years of his life growing up with Odysseus as his father. Now, to the main area of thought - Telemachus. Imagine. Imagine being a child, hearing of your father only in stories. From your mother, the servants, your grandparents. Seeing your grandmother succumb to her grief, seeing your mother grow sadder by the day, more sullen, seeing your grandfather withdraw into himself, all because of your father.

The man you are told you look like, the man who left for war, six, eight, eleven, fifteen, TWENTY years ago, left your home in disrepair, left your mother and you to deal with suitors disrespecting your house and name, the man who you are so angry at, yet Also worship as a god, because you don’t have a CHOICE. You can’t love him, you don’t KNOW him, but you love him in the way you love your gods - distant, unknowable, unreachable, and yet you have his face, your mother sometimes gates at you with these sad, sad eyes and you know she’s not really seeing you when she tells you she loves you.

You know he is a man, logically, how could he not be when your mother still remembers every calous on his hands and your grandfather tells you of how he almost set his room on fire one day, but he is only a legend to you. You hear other Kings, Kings from the same war your father left for (they came back, they are already back and he is still gone) discussing him, you hear how he helped end the war with your and your mother’s name on his lips and YET! He’s not here, he’s not here but he can’t be dead, because everyone agrees that he is too stubborn to die.

And then. He is back. And he has a boy with him. A boy who is younger than you, still just a child. And he regards the boy as his own, introduces him to you as ‘your brother’. He hasn’t dishonoured your mother, he took the child from the burning city of Troy because he is merciful and kind and you see it in the way the boy hugs him and calls him papa. And you should be happy, your father is back, you have a sibling now, your mother finally smiles properly again, your grandfather no longer cries when he sees you.

But. This boy. The boy your father brought from Troy. He got all that you have ever wanted: he got your father, from the moment he was Born he got your father, he was there for his first steps, his first words, he taught him how to sail, fight, read, count, he has been there with him through it all and you have never wanted anything more. ‘This child is not his son’ says that hateful, angry voice in your head.

You spend time with your father. He weeps, hugs you. Tells you he’s proud of the man you are now. Teaches you how to rule, it is your birthright, he says. He goes hunting with you and tells you he loves you and that the thought of you and your mother got him through many a peril. You spend time with your brother, you make him laugh, he loves you, clings to you just as much as he clings to your father, you teach him more about Ithaca, the way it is now, because he’s only heard stories. And still, in the back of your mind, you know you hate the child. You despise him with every fiber of your heart even if your mind knows he is not to blame - and that he has dealt with the same thing, just opposite to you.

Whereas you had a home, your mother and the rest of your family, but yearned for more than just the memory of your father, wanted for freedom, the boy had him, in the flesh, soothing his nightmares and teaching him to live, had the open sea and the deck of a ship, the capability to go anywhere, he lacked the stability that you had and despised. He didn’t know his grandfathers, would never get to know his grandmother, only had a memory of a mother and a brother, saw them as saints, as a reason to keep pushing forth.

You are opossites. You don’t know how it happened, as the child is not hers, but your brother looks like your mother where you are clearly your father’s son, yet your personalities seem to have been switched. You’re calmer, much more subdued, you don’t smile easily and are weaker of will. Your brother is loud and boisterous, quick to crack a grin and so, so Brave.

You still get the compulsion to bow to your father whenever he enters a room, to touch him to make sure he is real, at times. He sometimes wakes screaming, seeing horrors that you could not imagine in his sleep and doesn’t feel comfortable in a proper bed for years. He sets the curtains on fire and your father laughs in relief and he holds him to his chest. Your own chest cleaves in two.

Just. Is this anything?

If anyone needs me I will be in my corner, sobbing. I was so excited to see new papa and the ghouls tonight

“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”

★ THE TRIO THROUGH THE YEARS ★

Sureee, yeah, I can see that. I wish I could give you a hug, but you’re literally a ghost (and a rotten corpse behind that invisibility). But we can talk if you’d like

[ " The sexual tension between my head and the wall 😍 " ]