It's Part Of Why I Don't See Myself As A Person At All Anymore. Because I Can't FEEL Like A 'normal' Person. - Tumblr Posts

despite the scrambling to accept loveless folks that ended up fucking over romance and love favorable people I still feel broken. I feel like I'm misleading my partners because the truth is that I don't love them like they love me and they know this. we're open and I haven't misled them at all but I feel like a fraud still. I want to be included in things or at least thought about even though I don't give people a second thought but when I voice this: 'you didn't care about them anyway. they tried to reach out before' I still value connections. after years of being pushed away by peers I still try to make connections with people and when they inevitably feel stronger about me than I do them or see things differently than I do I feel... inadequate. like my attempts at being a person are futile It's part of why I don't see myself as a person at all anymore. Because I can't FEEL like a 'normal' person. it fucking sucks. and no amount of 'oh you're no less a person than someone who feels love uwu' can fix that I can't even love my family. do you know how much that sucks to not be able to love your own mother? years ago when I was 7 I had a nightmare where my mom said 'you don't love me anyway' while I was trying to convince her not to jump into the water in front of us. that phrase has appeared in arguments years later imagine the horror I feel trying to come to terms with the fact that that's a true statement. I do care about and appreciate people but it'll never be enough I’ll never be enough it hurts and the performative bullshit on this platform doesn't help loveless aplatonic afamilial