Late Diagnosed Adhd - Tumblr Posts
the adults around me seeing a kid who couldn’t wear high-rise jeans due to it making me uncomfortable, walked crooked, had a weird obsession with smelling my mothers belly button, was confused and mad when adults smiled at me for no reason, talked to fictional characters for fun, etc…: wow what a perfectly neurotypical child <3 so much potential 🥰
I've got the coolest and punkiest pin ever.
But I am not sure to wear it at work. 'Cause they still didn't know...
Feel it. so much. it still hurts.
Autism and tactlessness
I don't know if this is part of the general autistic experience or is more specific to people who grew undiagnosed — I can only speak for myself — but something that really bothers me and makes social situations far more exhaustive than I think they could be, is policing everything I say.
I was diagnosed with ASD after adulthood, but I didn't need a paper to see, throughout my whole life, that I struggled and suffer the effects from it. And one thing is that I am aware, as my loved ones like to point out, that I am "tactless" a lot of the times, which can mean I don't realize when I'm being rude, annoying or inconvenient, specially when I can't understand why that'd be.
Because of that, I was often corrected while growing up. Things that I said that were plainly honest, spontaneous or curious were pointed out as bad, usually without a good explanation on why it was bad, just that it was. After that, I'd usually be punished in a way or another, being not getting an explanation, receiving silent treatment and being ignored, having people mad at me, shouting at me, blaming me for a myriad of things or accusing me of things, laughing at me. All that came off as a punishment for being and talking the way I was.
Years ahead, now that I am an adult, I realized I learned something. Instead of learning why saying certain things is bad, I learned to be scared of what I say. I feel tense and constantly try to analyze what I'm gonna say even when that is meaningless because I can't find what could be bad about it in my memories. If I get too relaxed and let the words slip away, I get anxious I might've offended someone. I'm constantly scared to be offensive and be punished again.
That also means I am always scared of being abandoned by the people I love, and my first assumption will always be that I did something offensive without realizing. I know I'm an overall grumpy person, but I tend to be scared of people when they're mad, I tend to get anxious that they'll never want to talk to me again and I'll be alone.
I am exhausted of fights that I don't understand why even happen. Of not understanding why people get mad at me. Of feeling rejected by people I trusted and loved. Of overanalyzing everything I say and still being scared of going through all that again.
Disclaimer: I am one autistic person, late diagnosed and mid-low support needs, talking about my experiences and opinions that I believe are related to autism. I do not speak for other autistic people, only for myself.
// slight vent post //
Me, as a child, reading everything I can on how to interact with people and studying fictional protagonists intentently: "I will learn to interact!! I'll figure it out!!, just like I learned to cook!! These books will help me"
Also me: "learn! yeah! Social skills are learnt and totally not inherent skills that most people can't just do!! Hahaha, why does everyone do it so effortlessly.. wait.. wh- Why do you tease me.. what's wrong with me... wh- I did everything like the books said... I showed you the popular character- I took traits from popular book characters... Why..why am I falling behind... wait...why..why am I weird.. what do wrong.. wait... please... please... guys?"
...how did I stay undiagnosed autistic for 16 years?