Mockery - Tumblr Posts

Mockery

TW - vague reference to sexual assualt, calling my assailant by what he is, coercion

After my assault my dislike for anal penetration skyrocketed. At the time he didn’t know the reason outside of the physical discomfort. Silly me for thinking “I just don’t want to, I don’t like it” is reason enough to not have to perform a sex act. Not having a “legitimate” reason for not wanting it made it fair game to badger me about it.  It wasn’t every day, but he regularly requested it, lamented my aversion, and using emotional blackmail to get it.  

Admittedly, I gave in quite a few times, which is how I managed to get to a point where it didn’t physically hurt anymore. However that did not mean that I enjoyed it.  

Each time was traumatizing to various degrees.  The event itself less so than  having to agree to that which was demanded of me by Rapist.  Mix in the stress of pending pain and discomfort, getting the prep just right (which included me fasting because I’m paranoid) and the anxiety of something going wrong (have I ever mentioned he was a germaphobe?) and you have the recipe for the  most unsexy sexual experiences I’ve ever agreed to.

I thought his attitude would have changed after he found out what had happened to me. 

I was very wrong. 

Words of wisdom concerning mockery