Sexual Abuse - Tumblr Posts
My first post exactly one year and a week ago. So many things have changed from this time. But some things remain constant:
I survived. I’m surviving.
Prologue
I survived you.
Poison from the Vein
I have been anticipating this milestone since September.
One year, from today, was the last time I ever spoke to him.
I wonder if he still uses me to get laid. Actually, I really couldn't care less.
Too much information.
There is talk of sex under the cut. It is not graphic, and it is in reference to my recovery. But I mention orgasms and shaming.
My woman wants me to climax. I love her for it, and I can usually oblige. However some days my body is a bit more stubborn than others.
"What do you need?" She asks me. "What can I do?"
And this is another spot where I feel the depth of the damage he caused me. Many times, I don’t know what I need or want. It has never really been about me.
Most times, though, I just don't have the ability to communicate it. I open my mouth but nothing comes out.
My brain swirls with too many bad experiences where I wasn't allowed to want anything. He rarely asked, even conversationally, what I actually liked. When I was asked and responded, I was corrected as if I didn’t know my own body, or he said “oh” in a disappointed tone, as though he was expecting/hoping I’d say something else.
Occasionally my response disgusted him; he told me he it was so awful he couldn’t continue unless we proceeded the way he liked it. So I learned to ask for what he wanted, to ask for the things I knew would get him off quickly, and off me. Sex was best served swift and efficiently.
I am not there. But I hope she keeps asking. Maybe one day I'll be able to tell her.
"So are we going to do it today or what?"
He'd ask me at 10am and hold me to it in the evening. Not that it mattered. The answer was always 'yes' because it was not a good thing to say 'no'.
There are playful, sweet or smouldering ways to ask these things and keep a mood going all day.
This wasn't that. This was a contractual obligation. And it didn't matter what happened to me the rest of the day. If i wasn't ready when he decided it was time, there were consequences.
Hats
Throughout the healing process it hasn’t been the assaults, sexual coercion, and the emotional torture that has been difficult to understand.
No, no. It’s been resolving that reality to the person who was, on rare occasions, undeniably kind to me and charming to others. The one who was loved by the family dog. The one who helped out his grandma and had a really sweet relationship with her.
It’s so much easier to think of them as monsters, and I’d argue that it is probably a necessity in the early stages of the recovery process.
But they're human. And somehow that’s a difficult pill to swallow.
Mother's Day has been an interesting time each year since my abortion. I'm in my 30s, so people often wish me Happy Mother's Day.
This year it didn't hurt.
Reminder to any of you out there facing a difficult decision: sadness and regret are not the same thing.
Sad Things.
I found a list of names. If things had been different and I had a girl, we would have called her Alice.
He told me I was stupid. He told me that if I wanted to be a slut I should have at least charged for it. I could have made decent money and at least I'd be good for something.
To give you an idea about when my sex life was like with him, i had two days of what I can only describe as a full body exhale ( complete with tears, shakes and waves of unexplained exhaustion) when I realized that I could still have sex, but would never have to humour someone's request demand for anal again.
My chest still relaxes a bit every time I think "never again".
This post gets a bit explicit with named body parts, dubious consent and some violence. For the record, there are likely people who enjoy some of the things he did to me. I am totally in support of people getting off the ways they like to get off. Please understand that I am condemning these actions as symptoms of the horrible power imbalance in my relationship, lack of consent, and intention to hurt me and make me uncomfortable.
My clitoris is pretty sensitive. I have a hard time with direct stimulation - it's "too much" at times, but i can work through it slowly with some patience.
He used to do things that would make me jump and guard it because he said it was 'hot.' He used to shock me with this contraption he made- a few times me made me let him shock my clitoris directly despite my regular and continual protests and insistence that I wouldn't like it. "Just try it" he said as he held me down and did it. I cried. And he threw the contraption at me telling me that I was boring and never wanted to try anything new.
He bit me once, when he did me the magnificent and rare gesture of going down on me. Chomped on my clit because he thought I wasn't conveying my enjoyment sufficiently. I screamed and cried and bucked him off. "Oh, so you can make noise. I was just checking."
He pinched it when I wasn't doing exactly what he wanted when we were fucking, and loved experimenting with all manners of things whether i wanted to or not ( cold, hot, food, lubes, creams, toys, etc). So anytime he got near it i tensed my pelvis muscles to guard it.
He will admit to some moments of physical abuse but narrow it down to one or a small handul of times where I made him so angry that he lost his temper.
He will justify what he did with a 'but'.
He will deny the severity.
He will deny the frequency.
He will deny all the emotional, psychological, financial and sexual aspects.
He believes that I got what I deserved.
He believes that he tried his best.
He believes that he tried to help me but I was too fucked up to save.
He would tell you that I was abusive and hurt his pride.
He will say I ruined his life.
Does the person who abuses you know they are abusive?
Reblogging this will work. Liking this will work. Messaging me will not work. Email me at chronic.survivors@gmail.com
He used to tell me that if I tried to say no to sex that I was being manipulative. My witholding was "punishing" him in an emotionally abusive way.
So I'd wipe the tears off my face, take a few deep breaths and let him have whatever he wanted.
I can smile and turn on the charm and climb on top of your dick five minutes after you called me a useless cunt. I’m so good at at “ getting over it ” for you; I can swallow my pain and rage for an eternity.
Daymare
I had one yesterday. That's the only way I can describe it.
I was back in the house Spring 2015ish. I was in my current headspace, though, like I used a time machine. I was hellbent on getting out as soon as possible, but I figured it would take me two days to orchestrate.
My plan was detailed: how to get and where to find boxes (cold room - he rarely went in there), how to move everything, (bring some to folks night before) who would help me, (two friends chomping at the bit to get me out of there), and what I would do differently (take ALL of my things, sell the house, take my share)
What made it horrible was the realization that I had to suffer him for that time.
I'd have to talk to him. I'd have to have sex with him to keep him from being suspicious, and then share a bed. Then I'd have to break the news: he’d no longer have me to abuse.
The feelings I had knowing he was near came back by a fraction, and I was sick. I spent over an hour huddled in the shower.
How on earth did I live like that for so long?
My parents moved closer to my old neighbourhood. I often have to drive by to visit them.
I still get chills and that heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach when i think that I might see him. Or worse, that he might see me.
Ghosts
Driving in our his neighbourhood this evening. That tightness in my chest returned. I held my breath when I drove past our his road.
The neighbourhood is haunted. Cursed.
He used the fact that i let him have sex with me every night as evidence that I had a sex addiction.
"Normal couples only do it a couple time a week..."
Do you know what would happen if I didn't have sex when he wanted it? I bet you can guess!
It's been a while, but my ads are at it again. Love that I get to read some traumatic shit set up to be sexy romance. That's not damaging tomy mental health in any way...
@staff ????
Missed Milestones
It may be a sign that I’m making progress, but I missed remembering some important milestones this year:
It’s been 210 weeks since I spoke my last words to him (that’s 4 full years and 2 weeks if you don’t want to count).
It’s been 314 weeks (6 years, 2 weeks) since I lived under the same roof as him.
I’ll be 36 this week. And while my body is feeling its age (and more) at times, my mind feels younger than it ever did when I was in my 20s.
Just a reminder that every single person who claims to like or be a fan of the film Whiplash (2014) is a brainless coward who believes that it's justified for men to hit kids.
Disappointment
'Hey baby, I'm here.' she said cheerfully as he opened the door for her.
She stepped in and saw all the beer bottles lying around, saw his drunk friends leering at her, heard the click of the door shutting behind her.
This was the first time she had gathered enough courage to go to his house, something he had been requesting her to do since they started dating three months ago.
She looked into his eyes and instead of feeling scared, she felt the last glimmer of humanity she believed to exist disappear.
No, she wasn't scared.
Just disappointed.
the more time I spend with kids in my husband's side of the family, the more I love these kids, the more deeply horrified I get about my own childhood- about what my mother did to me. about what she let my stepfather do to me. about how many times I was crying out as hard as I could for help, and didn't get it.
how the fuck, what kind of mental fucking gymnastics did she perform to make her capable of this kind of behavior??? how do you look at a child, your fucking child, and think, "yes, i can facilitate the sexual abuse of this minor for the right price." what the fuck.
These parasites posit themselves as the civilized alternative to Arab 'barbarism' while they systematically rape & torture Palestinians so consistently that I haven't heard a single survivor not describe torture, and that when this system of rape is challenged they immediately form an armed revolt to defend their right to rape. None of the people who cared about the false allegations of Oct 7 will say anything about this. They will sweep this truth of this sick sick settler society under the rug.
