Things He Said - Tumblr Posts

Nothing tastes as good...

TW - for ED perhaps?  

He was superb at exacerbating issues and insecurities I already had.

I have a love/hate relationship with my body.  Rationally I can say that I am an athletic woman and even at my heaviest I was not overweight. And even if I was, I personally do not find a person’s size has any bearing on whether or not they are attractive.  But when I look at myself in the mirror, all I see are problems that require fixing.

I’ve talked a bit about anxiety, magical thinking, and my propensity for self harm as punishment. These seeds I believe were planted before he came into the picture.  However he kept them well watered.

First it was about food:  There was the nonsense about me doing all of the cooking.  Following that, he would get angry if I did not have dinner on the table exactly when he wanted it regardless of how unreasonable that expectation was. So the solution was to go out to eat a lot (and wait for someone else to cook the meal? Just one of those illogical things I didn’t question).

I like eating out - variety is great, and I can usually find something tasty that is at least marginally healthy. Yeah, that often means salads, but I promise you it’s not a bad way to go if you know how to order.  

However he wasn’t having it.  Salads tend to be about the same price as an entree, or as he put it "expensive for nothing." Money was always a concern for us me, particularly at the beginning of our cohabitation when we were broke.

So I had to start ordering food that he deemed appropriate. I put on a bit of weight.  And, boy, he loved to tell me about it.  Sometimes it was direct, like when he told me it looked like I'd  had a baby knowing fully that my stomach was the part of my body that I was most insecure about.  Other times it was a bit more subtle - checking out women, or sending me pictures of women he thought were outrageously attractive who were all quite thin and noticeably thinner than me.  

The worst by far was the sinister and vindictive things. Like when he would grab some “fat” during sex and wink at me.  Or talk about how guys in his industry have it so rough because their wives let themselves go and then wonder why their husbands turn to escorts for satisfaction.

My reaction was probably not shocking:  I went through a very destructive phase of extreme calorie deficient eating.  

It was the perfect way to hurt myself.

A Snapshot

He was furious that there are few pictures of us over the years.

I tried to explain to him that I really hate looking at myself - that it wasn’t about him, it was self-loathing.  

This wasn’t a lie.  There’s probably a good 10 year period where I can count on one hand how many pictures of myself I took. Thankfully I have a friend who photo-documents quite literally everything we’ve ever done, otherwise there would be no evidence of my existence those years.

He stated that I was “making excuses” and that this was further evidence that I didn’t love him and was never invested in our relationship.

He’s still on about it.  I have a text from him in March lamenting it.

How much money do you have saved?

The most anxiety inducing question he asked.  Now a trigger.

Hard to save when blowing it all on him.  When I estimated how much I spent monthly on him, he denied it.  I would provide receipts, he would deny their validity.  Then he would deny that my ‘generosity’ was a ‘requirement’ for reconciliation.  

But that was the point.  I was set up for failure - to be a self fulfilling prophesy. And he could deny his hand in any of it. 

Ultimately it was me taking more control of my finances that caused him to push me away in October. That gave me the opportunity to wake up.

So the answer to that question?  I’ve exceeded the goals he set out for me, but he’ll never get to know that.  Furthermore I have my own goals now, and he’ll never get to be a part of that either.

Inglorious Bastard

In the early years of our cohabitation a movie I wanted to see was in theatres.  We had plans to see it, but life had prevented us from going for a few weeks.  

Finally, a weekend came where we were free and I suggested we go.  He told me he’d “already downloaded it” and “didn’t like it very much.”  I was hurt because it was supposed to be a date, and he’d known how much I was looking forward to it.

I was hurt more when I was sorting through his laundry  like a good wifey and found that he was stupid enough to leave the ticket stub in his pants pocket.

I confronted him about his lie.  He clearly couldn’t explain it away, so he told me that he went alone. I tilted my head and told him that I was pretty sure he went with his ex girlfriend *.  He admitted it defiantly.

I was upset. 

He told me he lied to me because he knew I wouldn’t take it well and he should be able to see a movie with whomever he likes.  If I were a more reasonable person, he wouldn’t need to lie to me.

Man of his word. When it suited him.

It was early days, so the movie thing made me angry.  He knew I was looking forward to something and he took it away from me.  And did said thing with his ex.  And then lied about it. Twice.

When I am angry, I need time to calm down.  He never understood this.

While I was at work the next day, he bought me flowers when he went grocery shopping.  He did that periodically at the beginning, but it was never for me.  It was so I would shower him with praise for doing something so sweet.

I still wasn’t in the praising mood.

He called me a bitch and he told me he’d never buy me flowers again.  If memory serves correctly, he stuck to his guns.

This was nine years ago.

Not My Future

He had very specific goals.  By 30, he wanted to have a career, a woman, a new car, a house, x amount of money in the bank. We achieved these goals together

He never ever set plans in place based on my goals.  Mostly because he didn’t know what they were.  Goals are a really hard thing to have as a survivor, especially when still in the relationship.  

But I still had a few ideas.  I wanted to travel.  I wanted to have a career where I genuinely helped people.  I wanted to be happy. 

The look he gave me told me I was foolish. "And that's why we don't let you make the decisions."

The last time.

The last time he and I spoke I told him about the brother in law of one of my close friends.  He was in the hospital with sepsis and it was not looking good.  I told him how I felt terrible for my friend and her husband, and how I wish there was something I could do to comfort them.

He asked me why I was bothered. He said I never cared about his struggles or his burdens, so why was I taking this personally?  Furthermore, he told me that I was messed up enough myself that I didn’t have time or energy to worry about anyone else.

My friend’s brother in law subsequently died.

He called me every name you could think of and insulted me any way he thought would hurt me. Nothing was off limits.

I called him mean. He couldn't handle this insult.

One time he screamed in my face "I'm not fucking mean!!!" And then physically threw me out of the house.

Inheritance

My eldest brother has a substance abuse problem. A few years ago my parents had to bail him out of a huge financial hole he dug for himself and his wife.

My dad was furious. FURIOUS. Contemplating-going-to-the-lawyer-to-change-the-will kind of furious.

I am not a fan of my brother, but I talked my dad down anyway. Dad was angry, and that's a terrible time to make big financial decisions. 

When I informed him that Dad was considering taking my brother out of the will and I had talked him out of it, he was so angry with me. "You just fucked yourself. You fucked us!"

He wasn't a fan of my brother either, but he just thought he was a bit of a dope. He didn't really know/register my dislike for him or the reasons for it. So he just wanted me to sell my brother up the creek so I'd get a part of his inheritance. And by "I" we know I mean "we" which we know means "he."

He makes me so sick.

In October, he told me that he hoped I never let myself slip into the notion that I deserved to treat myself.

I had homemade cherry ice cream today in a waffle cone. He can shove it.

In October, he told me that he hoped I never let myself slip into the notion that I deserved to treat myself.

Catch 22

"You can't find a decent paying job with your degree? I fucking told you not to go to university."

"You don't actually look though, you just pretend. You think Im stupid and will fall for your bullshit."

"I'm not like your parents and everyone else that fall for your sob stories. You're just fucking lazy."

"I told you to go into nursing. Why don't you ever fucking listen?!"

"Your degree is a joke. You told me when we met you wanted to go to law school. You mislead me."

"No you can't go back to school. You wasted enough of my fucking time."

“FIND A DECENT FUCKING JOB YOU USELESS CUNT!!!”

He used to put his hands around my waist and tell me “you’re so small!”

My broken brain was thrilled by this ‘compliment.’  In hindsight, it was a threat:  “I could break you so easily.”

Tw - fat shaming

When he thought, at one point, i had put on too much weight he told me he would not stick with a woman who let herself go.

According to him, men don't like bigger women. In fact all men really like the same body type - very thin. Any man who says otherwise is just saying so for woke points.

Men who date bigger girls do so because they lack the confidence to pursue "better" women.

He didn't lack confidence, so I had to nip that issue in the bud. Or accept the consequences.

Me, in November: What do you want for xmas this year?

Him: You don't make enough money to get me anything I'd want this year. Don't get me anything, seriously. Just do me a favour and save money.

Him, on December 24th: ... I don't see any presents with my name on them... Typical.

Me: ... But you said...

Him: You're so selfish. I really can't believe you. You don't deserve any of the things I got you. You're literally the worst.

Borrowed Time

"I’m going to leave you at some point.”

He left it open ended so he could use me, keep me anxious, and hating myself all at the same time.

I wish he’d just done it. Maybe I would have fewer nightmares by now.

He told me I was stupid. He told me that if I wanted to be a slut I should have at least charged for it. I could have made decent money and at least I'd be good for something.

Him: YOU ARE SUCH A STUPID LAZY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I LET YOU BE HERE? I'VE TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES. THIS PLACE IS SO FUCKING FILTHY. I CAN'T EVEN INVITE SOMEONE OVER. IT'S EMBARRASSING. JUST BECAUSE YOU GREW UP IN FILTH WITH YOUR FUCKING PARENTS DOESN'T MEAN YOU STAY THAT WAY. I KEEP FUCKING TRYING TO FIX YOU BUT YOU'RE SO FUCKING USELESS AND HOPELESS.

Me: *quietly tends to the plate and glass in the sink that spawned this outburst*

Him: *glaring at me*

Me: *makes eye contact quickly to reassure him that I am not ignoring him (because he really REALLY doesn't like that) but not long enough to encourage a smack to the face or more yelling*

Him: what?

Me: *smiles and shakes head*

Him: What? You don't want to talk to me? Fine. Fuck this. *Goes to the basement to play games for 6 hours*

Me: *exhales silently*

Side note:  I know that IQ tests are essentially worthless and tell you very little about the actual intelligence of a human being.

But it was the prospect of having something on paper that may indicate I wasn’t lacking as much as he liked to tell me that I was that made him so nervous.  It was a bit satisfying.  I’m sure I paid for it later.

One day, i had the audacity to not share his opinion.

After the usual screamfest he insisted that one day we would take an IQ test to prove once and for all that I was an idiot and he was smarter. He told me that I should shut the fuck up or I would feel extra stupid that day.

In one of my rare moments of defiance, i asked very politely, what would happen if, by some accident, I scored higher than him. I saw a split second of “oh shit” in his eyes before he said “then we would know that the test was faulty because that’s not possible.”

You know, I don’t think he ever brought it up again.

Silly things I was not allowed to keep on my person ( off the top of my head):

A hair elastic on my wrist.

A purse (but he'd be so angry if I wasn't wearing one and he needed me to hold his stuff.)

A jacket when he thought it was too warm.

A sweater when I said he kept the ac too high in the summer.

Sandals.

Things he required me to have:

Tame, managed hair in all potential scenarios.

A purse, but only when he needed me to hold something and I needed to anticipate that before we left. Somehow.

A jacket in case it got cool. He didn't want to have to hear me complain.

Money for the extra hydro bill in the summer when i made him turn the ac so low.

High heel sandals.