My Life Is A Sitcom And I Am My Own Laugh Track - Tumblr Posts
I swear to the great old ones I have never experienced such primal terror as I did when I received this text
I taught him this. I have unleashed powers beyond my control. there is no salvation, not anymore.
The Jason Chronicles, To Date
I have a friend named Jason. Jason is a good lad and I love him like a brother, but my god that boy is weird. He regularly messages myself or a certain group chat to inform us of the odd happenings in his life. Below is a collection of some of the things he has said completely out of nowhere:
oh I have a relevant story.
one time my friend @kagansune had a theory, and decided to get me to help them test it.
it was very interesting.
background: I tend to zone out a lot, and sometimes I say/type things while doing so. the most recent at that point in time being the went go? incident.
Ro, who is an avid practitioner of the mystic arts (e.g. rune reading and such) said I fit the profile of an oracle and got an incredibly ominous reading when they asked their runes about it. so I went over to their place and they suggested I eat a bay leaf (since bay leaves are what some ancient oracles used to trigger their powers).
so I ate a raw bay leaf because fuck it, why not. (I shortly discovered exactly why not, and probably still have scars on my esophagus. do not eat raw bay leaves, they are sharp.)
it took a while but later that night I zoned out and typed, and I am not fucking kidding here:
“is good to eat the sound when the bright is dark”
so it turns out that when I activate my psychic powers I channel the spirit of a lizard from the fuckin Triassic period I guess.
reblog & put an inside joke in the tags
Update (07/11/2020)
The Jason Chronicles, To Date
I have a friend named Jason. Jason is a good lad and I love him like a brother, but my god that boy is weird. He regularly messages myself or a certain group chat to inform us of the odd happenings in his life. Below is a collection of some of the things he has said completely out of nowhere:
I went to Ikea recently (a fruitless expedition, but that’s irrelevant) and the fucking names in this place dealt psychic damage.
I look to my left?
SMÜLT.
I look to my right?
RINGSTA.
one of their chairs is named for the exact sound a pvc pipe makes when you bounce it off your forehead
I went to Ikea recently (a fruitless expedition, but that’s irrelevant) and the fucking names in this place dealt psychic damage.
I look to my left?
SMÜLT.
I look to my right?
RINGSTA.
for the record, it said “lunch & dinner cocktail”
UPDATE: DONE!
NON-ORIENTABLE SANDWICH: ACHIEVED!
Update (11/26/2020)
forgot to post when it happened but my man Jason did shrooms for the first time several days ago and
in the boysenberry
The Jason Chronicles, To Date
I have a friend named Jason. Jason is a good lad and I love him like a brother, but my god that boy is weird. He regularly messages myself or a certain group chat to inform us of the odd happenings in his life. Below is a collection of some of the things he has said completely out of nowhere:
paul bjärt måll cøp
I went to Ikea recently (a fruitless expedition, but that’s irrelevant) and the fucking names in this place dealt psychic damage.
I look to my left?
SMÜLT.
I look to my right?
RINGSTA.
the only surgery I’ve ever had (so far, fingers crossed) was for my wisdom teeth. the surgeon seemed rushed when he put the needle in and as it was starting to take effect, I guess to just keep me preoccupied, he asked me off-handed “what’d you have for breakfast?”
well that was a trick question, since of course you’re not supposed to eat anything for like 8 hours prior to surgery in case you vomit while you’re under because it would block your airway. naturally I hadn’t had anything myself.
however, I decided to be a smartass and gargle “you’re about to meet it” in response right before dry heaving and then blacking out.
not a typo, my friends are just bastards
People making typos in groupchats and then getting whaled on is extremely funny unless I am the one making the typo, in which case you guys are not funny and being very immature
“My sweet boy- AUGH!”
- Ro, cuddling a very angry small boy with sharp pointy claws who did not wish to be cuddled
Apparently I'm not supposed to sing the antichrist lullaby from good omens to my black fuffy kitten named Anubis. My roomates are worried it will give him 'ideas.' pshhh, he's only given me one scratch scar.
I’m so glad this post came across my dash again bc I got this ad for lunar tourism on the instant gram the other day and had to share it
curiosity did not kill the cat but it sure was a factor, right alongside hubris
I’ve worked with owls and yeah, this is all accurate. they are beautiful and powerful and elegant and the one thing wrong with them is that evolution forgot to install any sense in their skulls. if the eyes are the windows to the soul, there is a soul inside an owl but it has no furnishings in that studio apartment of a mind. if orange house cats, in all their stupidity, are running Windows XP, these birds are running Windows 95 at best. owls are well adapted for their predatory niche, and unfortunately that adaptation process selected for feathery fools.
I love them.
I went to the local aviary today and they had some really mean things to say about owls.
yeah. as a part time zookeeper myself? yeah. my brother, who also works at the zoo, once overheard a guest remark with maximum confidence that our polar bear was an animatronic. when asked why the hell he thought as much, this guy.
oh my god this fucking guy.
without HESITATING he replied that "polar bears are made up by the government for global warming propaganda."
I just can't stand how stupid some people are.
So this comment section on a tiktok about insane things people ask at aquariums is a goldmine
I like to have fun with spam texts sometimes.