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autistic loneliness

i think one of the worst parts about autism for me is the never ending loneliness or the inability to actually connect with others. i have had so many friendless years in the past and even most of my family dont like me or we just cant seem to connect even if both parties would want to.

i have gotten better at social skills, meeting new people and i mask relatively well and i do think most people find me decent at first and kind but there always seems to be a sort of wall between me and others. i have always felt like i lack something but that it isnt just explained by the lack of social skills but something else.

i think handling all the other problems that come with being autistic, would be easier to manage if this one wasnt one for me. i do think that humans including autistics need community and a close support system and not having that is just awful.

maybe not all autistic people feel this way but i can only speak for myself. i have even met a lot of autistic people and very few have talked about a similar experience but i still seem to feel far away from them. i have always needed a lot of alone time and dont need to be social as much as others (like the amount of social events in a week) but i have always wanted close friends to be in reach. i have this terrible longing for community and closeness and i just never seem to grasp it. its all i hope for.