Op This Is So Beautiful - Tumblr Posts
NICK & CHARLIE + HEARTSTOPPER SEASON 1
You’ve changed my life into something I no longer recognize
And stained my eyes, now they paint in watercolour when they cry
Forgiveness is warm. Like a tear on a cheek. Think of that and of me when you stand in the rain. I loved you completely. And you loved me the same. That’s all. The rest is confetti. — The Haunting of Hill House
my brain holds too many poisons
Pairing: JJ Maybank x Kook!Reader
Warnings: drinking, jj gets drunk and stupid twice, reader's boyfriend sucks
Words: 10K (holy shit)
A/N: Officially my longest fic !! i'm really happy with this one, I've had this song stuck in my head for weeks crafting this fic!! shoutout to two of my closest friends for giving me a bunch of ideas for this :D
(this is a songfic by the way!)
I called you with a few too many drinks in me
Saying JJ was drunk would be an understatement. It was nearing the end of a kegger thrown down at the Boneyard, and he was definitely more than a few drinks deep at this point. The entire night, he’d kept an eye out, looking over the crowd and scanning it every so often just to make sure he didn’t miss you.
You, however, skipped out on the party tonight. Instead, you were spending the night with your new boyfriend, Roman, who JJ openly despised. He was another snobby rich kid from Figure Eight that wasn’t good enough for someone like you.
JJ knew it wasn’t his place to judge who you were dating when he couldn’t even man up enough to ask you out, but he couldn’t help but remind you as often as he could that Roman didn’t deserve you. You brushed him off every time, always coming up with some excuse for him that JJ didn’t believe.
The thought of you skipping out on him to stay with your boyfriend made JJ feel sick, and it wasn’t long before he was pulling his phone out, calling you before he could think better of it.
Well, at least you didn't answer
When you didn’t answer, his heart sank to the floor. He didn’t like the thought of you being alone with him. As much as you constantly assured him that he was a good guy, that he cared about you, JJ knew guys like him all too well.
Your voicemail rang through his ears, and he couldn’t help the smile pulling at his lips at the sound of your voice. It distracted him long enough that there was suddenly a loud beep, flustering him as his voicemail began.
“Oh shit,” He blinked, not prepared to actually leave you a message. “Uh, hey sweetheart. Shit- I didn’t mean to call you that-”
John B, who had been staying relatively sober the whole night so he could drive everyone to his house once the party died down, noticed JJ off to the side, muttering something on the phone. It must’ve been some sixth sense John B had for knowing whenever JJ was doing something stupid, but he instantly excused himself from his conversation and started making his way toward his best friend.
“I just- I really think you’re better than that asshole. I know you hate when I say that shit, but he really doesn’t deserve you. You’re bright, and- and you can cheer anyone up just by being around them. You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen and I just need you to know that. I need you to know that you deserve better than him. I would treat you better than he does. I know I would. I love you, Y/N, I love you so much.”
At this point, John B reached JJ, pulling the phone away from his ear and quickly hanging up, shoving the phone in his shorts pocket before JJ could do any more damage.
“What are you doing?” John B asked now that JJ’s attention was on him.
“Was just callin’ Y/N.” He answered, a slight slur in his speech that made John B understand how bad of an idea that was.
John B sighed, putting an arm around JJ, and quickly guiding him in the direction of the Twinkie. “Let’s get you home, big guy.”
Woke up, prayed to God it was only a dream
JJ woke up, immediately feeling the pain of the killer hangover he had. Forcing himself to sit up in the bed he didn’t remember stumbling into the night before, he looked around the room. It didn’t take long to realize he was in the guest room at the Chateau, the room that had become unofficially his after so many years of friendship with John B.
His head was still pounding as he tried to piece together what had happened the night before. Instinctively, he reached for where his phone would be on the nightstand, confused to find it wasn’t there.
That’s when the memories started to come back to him.
He was drunk. He was wasted. He tried calling you. You didn’t answer. He said he loved you. He said he loved you.
“Oh, fuck.” He dropped his throbbing head into his hands, rubbing his temples. “Oh, I’m so fucked.”
You were in the shower when JJ called you the night before, and your boyfriend was the one to notice your phone buzzing where you’d left it on the bed. He didn’t answer, of course he didn’t, not when JJ was the one calling, he instead watched it ring. It wasn’t until he noticed JJ left a voicemail that his interest was piqued.
Glancing in the direction of the bathroom, he could still hear the shower running. Quickly, he reached to grab your phone, typing in the passcode.
You told him your passcode offhandedly one day when you asked him to respond to a text from Kiara while you were driving, and he remembered it ever since. He told himself it was just in case, and as he listened to JJ’s voicemail, he convinced himself he was doing this out of love.
His fists clenched when he heard JJ’s confession. It was obvious he was drunk, but Roman knew hearing this would ruin everything. It would destroy the relationship he worked so hard to build.
By the time he finished the voicemail, he heard you turn the shower off, hurriedly deleting the voicemail before tossing your phone back on the bed.
Well, at least I took my chances
JJ trudged out of the bedroom, seeing John B cooking breakfast, along with Kiara and Pope still fast asleep on either side of the pullout couch.
“Morning, sunshine.” John B chuckled, giving JJ a look. “How’s the headache?”
“Fuck off.” JJ groaned, peering at what John B was cooking. He reached forward, plucking a strip of freshly cooked bacon off the plate they’d been set on, dodging John B swatting at him with the spatula.
“Your phone’s on the table.” John B said, pointing halfheartedly to the kitchen table.
JJ groaned again, not wanting to be reminded of the consequences of him calling you.
“Hey, at least you finally took your chances.” John B couldn’t help but laugh, earning a light smack on the arm from JJ.
“Shut up, dude.”
When JJ picked up his phone, he swore his heart stopped when he saw a text from you.
When you got out of the shower, you threw some pajamas on and walked back into the bedroom, your boyfriend was giving you an unreadable look.
“What?” You asked, trying to smile at him, your grin faltering when he didn’t react.
“JJ called you.” His tone was flat, and you tilted your head in confusion.
“Okay…? Is he alright? Did he need a ride home, or…?” Your mind wandered to JJ at the party. He was no doubt drunk out of his mind, and you were worried he’d gone and gotten himself hurt. Surely someone would’ve had his back, you knew the rest of the pogues were at the party as well.
Roman sighed heavily in a way that made you tense. “I think you should keep your distance from him.”
Your jaw dropped. “What? What the fuck are you talking about?”
When he stood up, you immediately shut your mouth despite the firm look you were still giving him.
“He’s my friend, Roman.” You insisted, though your voice was much quieter now.
“He wants to jeopardize our relationship.” His voice was low, and the way he stepped closer to you almost felt threatening.
“He- what?” JJ would never do that. You knew he didn’t approve of your boyfriend, he made that very clear, but would he actually try to jeopardize your relationship?
“Just- here.” He grabbed your phone off the bed, shoving it in your hand. You took it hesitantly, still giving him a confused look. “Just text him. Tell him you’re not gonna speak to him again.”
“What?!” You looked up at him, mouth agape in shock. He couldn’t be serious, right?
When his face darkened, you gripped your phone just a bit tighter. “He wants to ruin our relationship. You’re gonna have to make a choice here.”
Part of you wanted to keep arguing, to say that you could talk to JJ, that you would sort it out. But something in the look in Roman’s eyes made you nod, backing down.
“Okay. I’ll text him.”
You said you never wanted to speak again
“She text you?” John B asked, not looking up from the eggs he was cooking.
JJ didn’t respond, still staring down at the text.
Please don’t speak to me anymore.
“JJ?” John B glanced up at him before scraping the eggs onto a plate, walking over to see the phone.
JJ moved so John B could see it, still saying nothing. The silence hung in the air for a while before John B spoke again.
“Holy shit.”
JJ sighed, tossing his phone back onto the table with a loud enough clatter that it startled Kiara and Pope from their sleep, looking between him and John B with furrowed brows. Kiara opened her mouth to tell him off for waking her up before noticing the tension in the room.
“Dude, it’s probably not that bad.” John B tried to say, but JJ grimaced.
“Not that bad? I fucked everything up!” He resisted the urge to hit something, pacing back and forth in the room clenching and unclenching his fists.
“Can someone please explain what the hell is going on?” Kiara spoke up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.
“JJ drunk dialed Y/N last night and told her he’s in love with her.”
“Dude!” JJ snapped, glaring at John B. He shrugged back lamely, mouthing an apology.
“Is that not what happened?” John B asked under his breath, grabbing a couple plates of food and handing them off to Kiara and Pope.
“She’s got a boyfriend, man,” Pope said through a bite of food.
JJ rubbed a hand over his eyes, sighing heavily. “Yeah, Pope. Thanks. I’m well aware of that.”
Kiara stretched forward, grabbing JJ’s phone off the table to see the text. Pope leaned close to her, peering over her shoulder to read it as well.
“Oh.” She cringed, setting the phone back on the table with a pitying look. “Yeah, that’s… not great.”
“Thanks, Kie,” JJ said dryly, shooting her a halfhearted glare. “Real helpful.
“Maybe you can reason with her?” She said, taking a bite of food. “I mean, this’ll all blow over in like a week, I’m sure.”
I was never one to listen
The next morning, you’d barely finished getting ready for the day when you felt your phone buzzing on the table you set it down on. Roman looked up from his spot on your bed, eyeing you before turning his gaze to your phone.
“I can answer that.” He said, standing.
You almost mindlessly agreed until you saw the contact name.
JJ Maybank.
“Wait- Uh, I’ll get it.” You caught the look Roman gave you as you grabbed your phone, shrinking in on yourself. “I’ll just- I’ll tell him to leave me alone.”
The words felt bitter on your tongue, but you couldn’t bring yourself to stand up to Roman. It wasn’t that your boyfriend was a bad person, he was just… protective. And he seemed to know something you didn’t about JJ wanting to ruin your relationship, so maybe you should just believe him.
With a sigh, unsure of if you actually believed him or if you were just trying to convince yourself of the fact, you answered the call and brought your phone to your ear.
“JJ-”
“Hey! Holy shit, I didn’t think you’d answer! Uh, listen-” JJ started talking quickly, trying to explain, but the longer you stayed silent, the more you could feel the tension coming from your boyfriend.
“Please don’t call me, JJ.” Despite how weak you felt your voice was, it instantly made JJ fall silent.
You hung up without another word, exhaling shakily, trying with all your might to ignore the reality of what you’d done. Even a month ago if you were told to not speak to JJ, you would’ve laughed in their face. Things felt so different now, and it made you feel sick.
“Thank you.” Roman smiled at you, but the grin on his face resembled that of a shark.
You felt your phone buzzing, still in your hand. JJ was calling you again. Quickly, you shut it off, shoving it in your back pocket, forcing yourself to return Roman’s smile.
And it's fine, just wish you'd get out of my head
JJ had never gone this long without seeing you, not since the two of you became friends. It had been a little over two weeks since you last spoke to him, and he felt like he was going insane. You hadn’t hung out with the pogues since before that fateful night. They never stopped reaching out, though, telling you every plan they made just in case you decided to show.
Your response was always the same: Sorry! I’m hanging with Roman tonight. Another time!
JJ tried to play it off like he was fine, like he didn’t care. Still, every time Kiara would text you to ask if you could make it only to get a measly text apologizing for missing out, everyone could see the way JJ’s face fell. Whenever they met up, he counted the heads, heart sinking just a little when he saw you weren’t there. Everyone saw the way his grin faltered when your name was mentioned, or the way his attention snapped to anyone that looked a little too much like you, sounded a little too much like you, or laughed a little too much like you.
Every time JJ found himself surrounded by his best friends, he couldn’t help but notice the empty seat that was always left open – a silent agreement to keep it available just in case. It stayed empty every time, though, and JJ was never able to take his eyes off it.
Well, you never did
It was another party. Being deep in the throes of Summer, there were new parties nearly every night, and the pogues joined more than half the time. Tonight was unlike any other, and everyone was piling into the Twinkie for a kegger.
JJ pulled his flask out of his shorts pocket, taking a quick swig as John B parked outside the beach, the rest of the pogues clambering out of the van the second the car stopped moving. John B tossed the keys to Pope, who had agreed to be the designated driver for the night. The pogues often took turns, with the exception of JJ, who recently had gotten into a habit of getting as drunk as possible to drown out any thoughts of you any chance he could get.
It wasn’t long before the group had a few drinks, with JJ being much further gone than anyone else. The pogues were keeping a worried eye on him, exchanging looks with each other every time he went to grab another drink.
JJ was leaning against a tree now, only half listening to the conversation between John B and Pope when he noticed you a good distance away. Your boyfriend was a few feet away from you, and JJ couldn’t help but notice the fact that you clearly weren’t getting the attention you deserved.
JJ could feel his heart beat just a little faster at the sight of you, sat on a log and watching your boyfriend talk to his friends. Roman wasn’t even looking at you, and JJ could see the way your face fell at the lack of attention. He knows you’re so much better than that asshole, but he also knows he can’t be the one to tell you that.
Not anymore.
Still, JJ isn’t able to take his eyes off of you, and as he downed another drink, he barely acknowledged whatever question Pope was asking him.
My brain holds too many poisons
JJ nearly winced at the sight of you. He knew he could treat you better. He knew you deserved to be treated like royalty, and all Roman saw you as was arm candy.
“JJ?” He turned at the sound of Pope’s voice, not bothering to mask the annoyance on his face. “You okay?”
“I’m fine.” JJ waved him off, looking back to you and the way you were sitting on the edge of your seat to watch Roman chat with his friends. You were trying so hard to seem like you were enjoying yourself, but JJ had always known you better. He can see every movement of yours, awkwardly fiddling with your hands in your lap, glancing around the crowd every so often, and the forced smile on your face that didn’t quite reach your eyes. It was always the little things that JJ noticed about you, that your boyfriend would never bother to care about.
Suddenly, JJ stands, ignoring the looks from John B and Pope. Kiara had disappeared from the group a while ago, mingling with some people she’d met a few times before.
“I’m getting another drink.”
He pushed through the crowd, weaving past drunk teenagers until he got to the keg of beer, refilling his solo cup.
“How many drinks does this make?” Kiara’s voice made him spin around, facing her with a forced smile.
“Lost track.” He raised the cup, tapping it against her own. “Cheers.”
She gives him a firm look, one of her hands on her waist. “I think you’ve had enough.”
JJ shook his head, walking beside her in the direction of where Pope and John B were still standing. “Not yet.”
Kiara exchanged worried looks with the boys when they finally approached before making herself comfortable, taking a seat next to John B.
Loud laughter and cheering from afar pulled JJ’s attention away from his friends, glancing over and seeing your boyfriend in the middle of a game of beer pong with his kook friends. JJ rolled his eyes, the story Kiara started telling going entirely unnoticed while he stared down your boyfriend, taking another swig from his solo cup.
They helped me make the wrong choices
“Hey,” Pope reached a hand out, tapping JJ on the arm a few times to get him to look away from Roman. “Are you even paying attention?”
JJ leans away from Pope, lazily hitting his hand away. He looked at Pope for only a moment, making a face at him before turning his focus back to you.
You were sat with your hands still in your lap, wearing an outfit that JJ knew you well enough to know you were uncomfortable in. Your boyfriend wasn’t far off, still hard at work in his game of beer pong.
John B took note of his friend’s distraction now, following JJ’s gaze and sighing to himself when he saw you. “JJ, don’t do anything you’re gonna regret.”
JJ didn’t respond. He was still focused on the way you were looking at Roman. You had reached up at this point, fiddling with the necklace you were wearing absentmindedly. The same necklace JJ bought you for your birthday almost two years ago. It tugged at his heartstrings to know that you were still wearing it, but he wasn’t surprised. You’d worn it every day since JJ bought it for you, of course you still had it on.
When you stood up, JJ tensed, watching you step toward Roman. You placed a gentle hand on his arm, trying to whisper something to him. Without even looking in your direction, Roman nudged you away from him, muttering something JJ couldn’t hear that made you frown.
The dejected look on your face was enough to have JJ downing the rest of his drink, handing the empty cup off to John B, ignoring the pogues calling after him.
We all make stupid mistakes sometimes
Before JJ could think better of what he was doing, he was storming across the beach, sand kicking up under his feet. There was something in the way your gaze softened looking at Roman despite how much he was ignoring you that made his chest feel tight. You didn’t deserve that. You may not want to talk to him, but he needed you to know you deserved better.
“Hey!” JJ’s voice made Roman’s head snap up to him, along with each of his friends. You looked up as well, eyes wide when you saw how quickly JJ was approaching.
You were the only one who wasn’t staring JJ down like he was their next target.
Roman gave JJ a lazy smile that looked more like a grimace. “JJ Maybank. What can I do for you?”
JJ stopped right in front of him, the alcohol in his system mixing with the rage he felt boiling over. “You too good to pay attention to your girlfriend all of a sudden?”
Roman blinked, his eyes darkening as he glanced at you with a look you couldn’t quite decipher before he looked back to JJ. He stepped closer, trying to intimidate JJ with the few inches he had above him, despite not having the strength that JJ had.
“What did you say?”
The beer pong game had now been officially paused, and every kook in the area was watching JJ’s every move. Everyone was on edge, waiting for the pogue to do something worthy of jumping him.
As if they ever needed a reason.
“You heard me.” JJ sneered, his jaw clenching. “Too good to pay attention to your girlfriend?”
But I make them more than most
When Roman grabbed the front of JJ’s shirt, he swore he heard you gasp. He pulled JJ close to him, breathing heavily.
“Walk away, Maybank.” He said through gritted teeth, glaring down at JJ. The crowd around them was growing by the second, and it was almost entirely kooks. There was hardly anyone around that would jump to his defense. He started to wonder if you would jump to his defense, or your boyfriend’s.
JJ glanced toward you, realizing with a start that for the first time in weeks, your full attention was on him, and it only encouraged him further.
Turning back to Roman, he couldn’t hold back the smirk on his face. “Or what?”
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw you stand up, nervously hovering near the interaction in case anything happened. It made JJ wonder again who you were more worried about.
If he got hurt would you go to him? Or would you let Roman drag you away from him again?
“Or we’ll escort you out of here.” A kook that had been playing beer pong piped up, earning a glare from JJ.
“Did I ask you?” JJ took a few steps in his direction, momentarily forgetting the grasp Roman had on his shirt until he stopped him.
“I think you should go back to your own turf,” Roman said, leaning down to talk right in JJ’s ear, quiet enough that only he could hear him. “Pogue.”
And it's my fault that I live my life
The sound of JJ’s fist colliding with Roman’s jaw instantly incited chaos within the crowd. Kooks were on JJ within a second, but all of his focus was stuck on Roman. The punch sent him stumbling to the ground, but he was quick to rally, jumping back up and throwing a punch that almost knocked JJ off balance.
“JJ!” Your voice was muffled by the ringing in his ears, but he couldn’t shake the knowledge that you were worried about him.
You cared. You care.
JJ rolled his head back, planting his feet and glaring at Roman, who was cocky enough that he let the other kooks let him go, calling for a fair fight.
He knew most of these kooks worked out like it was their only hobby – in all honesty, it probably was, but he also knew better than anyone that strength is useless if you don’t know how to fight.
And JJ knows how to fight.
He took a deep breath, his fists clenching and unclenching for a moment before he lunged forward, ducking to avoid another hit from Roman, tackling him into the sand.
Running away from ghosts
Once he had Roman on the ground, JJ hovered above him, hitting him again.
The kooks surrounding them were screaming now, and a few of them tried to pull him up off of Roman. He shook them off, raising his fist again.
“Just like your old man, aren’t you?” Roman’s voice was weak, but it made JJ freeze.
While the crowd continued to yell and scream and cheer, JJ couldn’t hear a damn thing other than his own heartbeat, the only thing repeating in his head – just like your old man, aren’t you?
JJ saw red, bringing his fist down again and again, deaf to the crowd around him.
He didn’t see the kooks staring at him in fear, didn’t see the few pogues in the crowd whispering, didn’t see you standing at the front of the crowd, jaw agape as you watched this happen.
Word was spreading quickly through the party, whispers of the pogue beating the shit out of a kook rippling throughout the Boneyard and eventually, everyone at the party was aware of what was happening.
By the time Kiara, Pope, and John B got wind of what the crowd was surrounding, there were so many people they could barely get through to get to JJ.
Too many skeletons
Roman managed to shove JJ off, causing him to fall backwards into the sand. He caught your eye for just a moment, distracting him long enough that Roman was able to land a solid punch.
The look in your eyes made JJ’s stomach churn nauseatingly, and he swore seeing you that terrified was more painful than the punch itself. He couldn’t decipher who you were actually worried about, but when he saw Roman reeling back to hit him again, he knew he didn’t have the time to worry about it.
Rolling to the side, he barely managed to dodge Roman’s fist. When he missed, it made Roman tumble forward, giving JJ the opportunity to clamber to his feet.
The kooks steered clear of JJ this time, no one daring to interfere now. Still, he could hear the kooks egging Roman on when JJ wiped the fresh blood dripping from the cut on his lip.
Despite himself, he looked at you once more.
The fear in your eyes made him tense, but you still didn’t look away from him. It made him realize that ever since the fight began, you’d only been looking at him.
Too hard to keep them in the closet where they've been
He looked at you long enough to see your head shake just slightly, but before he could respond, Roman was knocking him to the ground. He felt another hit to the face, dizzying him for a moment before he shoved Roman to the side, hard enough that JJ was able to climb up and land another punch to the face.
He hit him hard, noticing a few spots of blood staining the sand around them.
The pain stinging his face and knuckles was getting harder to ignore, but he wasn’t one to back away from a fight. Especially from a kook who deserved to get a few teeth knocked in.
“Roman, don’t-” Your voice rang out, just before he noticed Roman’s hand closing around an empty beer bottle.
He brought it over JJ’s head, and JJ just barely reacted in time, throwing his hands up to block it, wincing when it shattered over his arms.
“JJ!” He heard you shriek. He almost felt proud in a sickening way, that it was his name you called out, that it was him you were worried about, that it was him you wanted to be okay.
We all make stupid mistakes sometimes
JJ dropped his hands from in front of his face, vaguely aware of the cuts along his arms from the shards of glass. He wanted to look at you, wanted to see how you were feeling.
More than anything, he wanted to hold you.
But still, Roman was glaring up at him, and JJ had to lurch back to avoid getting hit across the face. Quickly, JJ brought a hand back, ready to hit him again.
Before he could, though, two arms wrapped around him and dragged him up to his feet. He struggled instinctively, before realizing it was only John B. His brows were furrowed, and he was going off on him, lecturing him about something he couldn’t process with his heartbeat still loud in his ears and adrenaline still flowing in his veins.
He dragged JJ away from the scene, shoving past kooks that were sneering at the two of them, and continuing to scold him.
You're the one that I miss the most
He looked back only one time while John B was dragging him off to the Twinkie, his breath catching in his throat when he saw you. You were gently lifting Roman to his feet, running a hand over a cut on his cheek like you’d done so often to JJ.
It made his chest burn to know you weren’t his.
John B sat JJ in the passenger seat of the Twinkie, and only then did JJ see Kiara and Pope also trailing behind them, now climbing into the van after him.
No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get you out of his head. The image of you staring at him in horror was burned into his mind. Over and over, he could hear you calling his name, the way your voice cracked when you were terrified for him.
Worst of all, he couldn’t stop thinking of how quickly you went to Roman the second the fight was over.
Pope gave him a concerned look every minute or so while he drove to the Chateau. Everyone knew how uncharacteristic it was for JJ to be so quiet, but no one wanted to bring up what had just happened.
He was spiraling, and everyone knew it. Even him.
JJ pulled his phone out, sending you a text before he could stop himself.
I saw that a text I sent was left on read
Once they got to the Chateau, John B followed JJ into the guest room, dipping quickly into the bathroom to grab the first aid kit on the way there.
“You’re an idiot.” John B’s tone was harsh, and he set the first aid kit on the nightstand, disappearing for less than a minute to wet a cloth and appearing back in the room to start cleaning up his wounds.
“I know.” JJ’s voice was hoarse, and he was so resigned that John B almost faltered. He thought JJ would still be defensive, and it would lead to an argument.
There was nothing left from JJ, though. He was like a walking corpse, just running on autopilot with the knowledge that you were gone for good.
JJ pulled his phone back out, looking at the text he sent you from the car.
I’m sorry.
You read it a little over ten minutes ago.
He couldn’t stop thinking about all the times he’d gone to you after a fight. You would always chastise him for getting hurt or getting in a fight in the first place, but you were always impossibly gentle.
Gentle in a way John B wasn’t. In a way he couldn’t be. Because no matter how carefully John B tried to help him, he still wasn’t you.
“Ow, dude!” JJ swatted John B’s hand away from his face when he dragged over a cut a little too harshly, grabbing the wet cloth from him. “Jesus, I’ll do it myself.”
Well, I guess I get the message
John B sighed, dropping his head in disappointment before looking back up at him, a stern look on his face.
“Fine. I’ll leave you be. But jesus, JJ, you have to get your shit together.”
JJ nodded, watching John B leave without another word, closing the door to the bedroom a little harder than usual.
Taking a deep breath, JJ stared back down at his phone.
Then he threw it across the room.
It landed on the carpet, rolling a few times before finally stopping. Luckily, it was unharmed, but that still didn’t quell JJ’s anger.
He stood from his spot on the bed, running a hand through his hair, cursing to himself.
“What the fuck, JJ? What the fuck is wrong with you?” He muttered, pacing from one end of the room to the other.
How could he be so stupid? Why did he have to call you that night? Why did he have to ruin everything?
JJ finally dropped back into the bed, fighting back the harsh tears stinging in his eyes. His energy was entirely sapped, and the damp cloth John B was using to clean up his wounds had gone long forgotten on the nightstand beside the still unopened first aid kit.
I lied when I said I really loved your friends
After carefully guiding Roman away from the crowd and inside, you could still hear your friends talking about what happened. You used the term friends loosely, as they were mostly people you knew through Roman, most of which you’d only spoken to a few times.
Now that you set Roman down on a couch, you were staring down at the text JJ just sent you when you happened to overhear the conversation happening behind you.
“I mean, he’s just out of control!” A girl you’d spoken to maybe three times had said. Her name was Mandi, you caught the way she was looking at your boyfriend the whole night. It didn’t hurt as much as you thought it would.
“I know!” Another girl spoke up. She’d introduced herself to you earlier, but you couldn’t remember her name for the life of you. “It’s no surprise though, those pogues are insane!”
You stiffened. They were talking about JJ. Your JJ.
“Well, it’s no shocker, right? Have you seen his dad? He spends so much time locked up, of course he raised someone like that!”
You turned, momentarily forgetting your boyfriend and the bruises all over his face.
JJ had always been polite when you had to sneak off to hang out with the kooks. When you called them your friends, JJ never said anything about it, even though you could see how little he trusted them. You knew better than anyone how much JJ hated them, but he never slandered them to you, all he would do is carefully remind you of your worth.
That’s always what he’d done. Remind you of your worth. And you were worth more than this.
Well, I never did
“Can you just shut up?” The words spilled from your lips before you could catch them, and suddenly everyone was staring at you.
“Excuse me?” One of the girls gives you a look, expecting you to back down the instant you got any pushback.
“Don’t tell me you’re defending the guy that beat the shit out of your boyfriend.” Another said, and you briefly remembered where you were, who you were surrounded by. You cast a guilty look to Roman, who was still sat on the couch, now glaring harshly at you.
“I-” Your brain felt scrambled, trapped between your best friends and the group of kooks staring at you. “JJ’s my friend.”
The girls exchanged looks, holding back a laugh. You took a step away from them, beginning to realize that you’ve been more worried about JJ than Roman this whole time.
For a moment, you remembered the day JJ pulled you aside to remind you how much better than these kooks you were. You tried to brush him off, but he wouldn’t let you. He kept his hands on your shoulders until he felt like he’d cemented the fact that you deserved better in your mind.
“You know what?” Your voice sounded much stronger than you felt. “You’re all assholes.”
With that, you spun around, heading towards the door. For a second, you weren’t sure of where you were going, but the destination was engrained deep within your soul.
My brain holds too many poisons
Just before you could get to the door, you felt a hand on your arm, pulling you back.
“Y/N.” Roman’s voice was tight, holding back a deep anger. “Don’t leave.”
Looking up at him, you hesitated. His eye was swollen, and there was a cut on his cheek with a dark bruise forming along his jaw. When he opened his mouth, you could see blood faintly staining his teeth.
“JJ’s my friend.” You repeated, keeping your voice even.
“Well, your friend just attacked me.” He kept his hand on your arm, tightening his grip a little more. “I can’t believe you’re still defending him after what he did, you’re insane!”
You were too conflicted. Sure, it hurt seeing him like this, but you couldn’t shake the worry you had for JJ. It was a worry you couldn’t shake after being the one to clean him up after a fight so many times.
“I’m not-” You stopped, taking a breath to collect your thoughts.
“Not what? He’s just trying to ruin our relationship, why can’t you see that?” The way he raised his voice made you flinch back, eyes wide with shock. “He’s always been trying to ruin us, ever since- ever since he left you that stupid voicemail!”
They helped me make the wrong choices
Every part of your body tensed up, staring at him.
“What voicemail?”
It felt like something was happening around you, like there was something big looming just behind you but you couldn’t see it yet.
Roman hesitated, his grip on your arm loosening enough that you could pull away. “I didn’t mean-”
“What voicemail, Roman?” It felt like you were outside of your own body watching this happen. Your voice felt distant, as if you weren’t the one speaking.
“Nothing.” He reached out for your hand, growing exasperated. The way he tried to grab you felt performative, like he was trying to play the part of the perfect boyfriend. “Let’s just talk, okay? In private.” He glanced for a moment at the group of girls still standing nearby, whispering while they stared the two of you down.
All he cared about was his reputation.
You took a step back, your brows furrowing. “No.”
“No?” He looked at you, the possessive tone making your stomach churn. “Y/N. Let’s talk.”
Another few steps and you’d be at the door. You could leave right now if you wanted.
But you needed answers.
“What. Voicemail.” You asked again, twisting your arm away from him when he tried to grab it.
We all make stupid mistakes sometimes
Roman sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“That night he called you. He left a voicemail.” He started to explain, not looking at you.
“No, he didn’t.” You looked at him, confused, taking another step away from him. “No, he- I didn’t see a voicemail. He didn’t leave a voicemail.”
Still refusing to look at you, Roman shook his head.
“That’s cause I deleted it.”
And the ball drops.
You stared at him for a long time, feeling your world turning upside down in real time. A trust broken forever in the blink of an eye.
“How did you even-” You whispered, taking another step back. Just a few more and you’d be gone.
“You told me your phone password a few months ago.” Despite the guilt in his tone, when he finally met your gaze, he looked at you as if it was your fault. As if you should take the blame for daring to trust him.
Your mind jumped to every moment you let him borrow your phone, every moment you gave it to him for safekeeping, every moment you trusted him.
But I make them more than most
“We’re done.” You said, taking a final step back. You were at the door now, resting a hand on the handle.
“No, wait-” He rushed towards you, pulling on your wrist. “Please, hear me out.”
“Hear you out?” Your voice was louder than you expected, and if stragglers from the party weren’t staring at you already, they definitely were now. “You looked through my phone?”
You couldn’t believe this. You felt like your head was spinning. Pulling away, you threw the door open, storming outside, hearing his footsteps following just behind you.
“It was just to see what the voicemail said! I swear, I just- I did it 'cause I love you!”
You froze.
Neither of you had said those words yet.
Spinning around, you glared at him, desperately trying to ignore the tears welling up in your eyes. “No, you don’t!”
He caught up to you almost immediately, putting both hands on your shoulders. “I swear, I just did it 'cause I didn’t want you to get all confused. I know you used to have feelings for him…”
Used to?
“What did he say?” You asked, forcing yourself not to look away from him.
“Please-”
“What. Did. He. Say.” His touch on your shoulders was making you feel sick, but you didn’t pull away. Not yet.
“He- he said he loved you. Kept going on about how I wasn’t treating you right, that he would treat you better-”
“He’s right.” Finally pulling away, you gave him as firm of a look as you could manage with tears in your eyes.
And it's my fault that I live my life
“I can’t believe you.” Your voice cracked as you spoke, turning away from him and walking away from the beach. The party had almost entirely died down by now, but you could still feel every eye on you as you stormed away from Roman, wiping angry tears from your eyes.
He called after you, but you refused to turn around. Your mind had already shifted to the thought of JJ, wondering if he was okay.
You walked past a few groups of people before you finally made it out of the sand, reaching the street.
Faintly, you could still hear him calling after you, begging you to reconsider and give him a second chance. His voice sounded desperate like he was starting to cry.
Sniffling, you wiped away another tear that slipped down your cheek.
You still didn’t turn around.
Running away from ghosts
The Chateau wasn’t very far from the party, but it was still a bit of a walk. Long enough that the times you’d wanted to walk back, JJ never let you go alone.
You sighed at the memory, kicking a rock as you took another step.
It didn’t help that after five minutes, you felt a droplet of water hit you. It was starting to rain.
Still, you continued on, the thought of JJ sitting alone in the guest room of the Chateau only encouraging you further. Logically, you knew he could reach out to John B, Pope, or Kiara if he wanted to. But you also knew he wouldn’t. He had a tendency to shut down, pushing people away in his worst moments.
You walked right past his house, knowing better than to check to see if he was even home. Especially after a party, there was no way he’d be going home like that.
The rain continued to fall, growing quickly from a small drizzle into pouring rain. It didn’t take long for your clothes to be soaked through before you even made it halfway to the house.
Too many skeletons
As you trudged down the street, you couldn’t help but think about JJ. You’d been avoiding him and the pogues for weeks. You knew they weren’t stupid enough to know you were pushing them away, saying no every time they wanted to hang out with you. Part of you worried he wouldn’t even want to see you again, but you couldn’t let it happen. You needed to talk to him again.
The last time you hung out with JJ alone felt like years ago. Sure, you’d hung out with the pogues and he’d been there, but you and JJ hadn’t hung out just the two of you in forever.
He snuck in through your window – you started keeping a ladder by it just in case ever since the second time he showed up unannounced. He brought snacks and sat next to you in your bed while you watched movies for hours.
Despite the rain and the tears streaming down your face, you smiled at the memory before your face quickly fell, remembering just how long ago it was. It happened about a week before you started dating Roman. A week before your relationship with JJ got tense and distant.
How could you be so stupid? How could you let Roman ruin everything?
Another tear slipped down your face, mixing with the rain.
Too hard to keep them in the closet where they've been
After a while, you looked up, seeing the Chateau in the distance. You picked up your pace, a newfound energy in you once your destination was in sight.
The lights were on, and through one of the windows, you could see someone moving around. Squinting, you noticed it couldn’t be JJ. The movements were too casual, and the silhouette wasn’t quite right.
“John B,” You whispered, running a hand over your face to wipe off some of the rainwater that covered you.
When you got closer, you saw Kiara and Pope sitting outside on the covered porch. They immediately halted their conversation when they saw you, staring wide-eyed.
“Uh,” You walked up the steps, facing them nervously. “Hey.”
“Hey.” Kiara gave you a tight smile, glancing at Pope, the two having a silent conversation.
“How’s Roman’s face?” Pope asked, earning another look from Kiara.
“He’s… I don’t know, I-” You stopped, having so much you wanted to say, but you couldn’t form a coherent sentence. After a moment, you took a shaky breath. “I kinda just broke up with him.”
“Oh shit.” Pope leaned forward in his seat.
“You did? Oh my god.” You could tell from the look in Kiara’s eyes that her first thought was JJ. She was the first one you told about how in love with him you were, after all.
There was a beat of silence, where none of you knew what to say.
“He’s, uh, he’s inside,” Kiara said quietly, nodding towards the house.
You nodded, turning away from them to knock at the door.
We all make stupid mistakes sometimes
You heard immediate shuffling once you knocked at the door.
It wasn’t long before John B pulled the door open, freezing when he saw you.
“Can I see him?” You asked, not even realizing you were still shivering from the rain.
“Uh,” He glanced behind him, craning his neck to look down the hall to the guest room where the door was still shut.
“Please.” John B looked back at you, seeing the desperation in your eyes.
“Yeah. He’s in his room.”
He stepped aside and you walked into the Chateau. The instant you were inside, you felt the memories flooding back to you. It was painful, realizing that you were pushing your best friends away.
“Need a towel?” John B’s voice brought you out of your daze. “You’re kinda-” He gestured vaguely to you, shivering and soaked to the bone.
You had half a mind to say no, wanting nothing more than to beeling to the guest room to see JJ. Still, John B was already grabbing a towel, tossing it into your arms.
Quickly, you wiped it over your face, drying off as much as you could. You were still freezing, but you felt slightly better.
“Thank you.” Carefully, you set the towel down, now looking down the hallway where the guest room was.
At first, your steps were slow, but by the time you reached the door, you were practically running.
You're the one that I miss the most
You burst through the door, freezing in your tracks when you saw JJ.
He was sat at the head of the bed, covering his face with his hands, not looking up at you. His hair was messed up, and you could clearly see the bruises and cuts along his knuckles, still fresh from the fight. You didn’t get a good glimpse of his face at the party, and you knew it was going to kill you to see what Roman did to him.
At the sound of the door opening, JJ sighed quietly. He looked so defeated.
“John B, can you just-”
“JJ.” You breathed out, making him visibly tense. He looked up quickly, disbelief in his eyes.
You couldn’t form any words past his name, staring at the boy you loved for so long. There were tear stains on his face, and the sight almost destroyed you. Seeing him sitting there, staring back at you, just as speechless as you felt, made your heart swell.
The feeling faded almost instantly, and you felt sick to your stomach when his gaze shifted, and a wave of forced indifference fell over his features.
My brain holds too many poisons
“What are you doing here?” His voice had a harshness to it that you fought hard to ignore.
“I-” You tried to speak, but your voice kept getting caught in your throat.
All you could do was stare at him. How much he’d changed in two weeks and how little he changed at the same time. He looked endlessly tired, and he had his guard up in a way he didn’t have since the two of you met.
“JJ-”
“You shouldn’t be here. Don’t you have a boyfriend to be taking care of?” The coldness in his voice made you shrink in on yourself.
“I don’t- I was-” You forced yourself to inhale, before exhaling slowly. “I was worried about you.”
He scoffed, rolling his eyes.
“You shouldn’t be.” His voice wasn’t as harsh now, but you could hear the bitterness behind it.
The fact that you hurt JJ hurt you so much that you almost started crying again.
They helped me make the wrong choices
He’s refusing to look at you, but you can still see the damage Roman had done.
Slowly, you walked toward him, gently lifting his chin to make him look at you, your gaze softening at how bad his face looked. It was slightly reassuring to see that they didn’t look nearly as bad as Roman’s looked, but it hurt more seeing JJ hurt like this.
He moved your hand away, being gentle with you despite the glare still on his face.
“John B cleaned me up. Why are you here?”
“He didn’t do a very good job.” You said, noticing the first aid kit and the damp cloth still sitting on the nightstand.
Opening it, you inspect what supplies you have to work with, before grabbing the cloth and turning back to JJ.
“Can I?”
He nodded ever so slightly, not looking at you.
As carefully as you could, you began to clean up his face. He had a busted lip, and there was a cut under one of his eyes with a bruise forming around it. When he hissed in pain at your touch, you stop for a moment, moving as gently and carefully as possible.
We all make stupid mistakes sometimes
Once you finished up, you took a step back to inspect his face. He still won’t look up at you, and you understood why. You couldn’t blame him for being angry.
“I fucked up, I know.” You sighed, picking the damp cloth back up.
JJ said nothing, finally looking at you while you carefully picked up his hand, cradling it in yours. You inspected the bruises along his knuckles, frowning.
“This looks bad.” You muttered, dabbing the wet cloth over the few cuts on his hand.
“Looks worse than it feels.” He said, his voice softer now. It didn’t have the same coldness to it anymore, and you had to stop yourself from tearing up at the thought that he just might forgive you.
You stayed silent for a while, trying to ignore JJ’s gaze burning into you while you worked on his hand. JJ was the one to break the silence, shifting slightly in his spot on the bed.
“You’re soaking wet.” There was a rasp to his voice while he observed you, noticing the slight shiver while your clothes clung to your body.
“It started raining while I was running over here.” You replied now that you finished cleaning his knuckles, voice so quiet JJ had to strain to hear you.
But I make them more than most
Hesitantly, you took a seat next to him on the bed, leaning back against the headboard.
“I never knew, you know.” You tucked your knees close to your chest, not looking at him. “How you felt.”
“Then why did you ignore me? You told me not to speak to you again-” JJ stopped himself, noticing the way he was raising his voice. He took a deep breath, steadying himself. “Just- why?”
“My boyfriend.” You started, resting your head on your knees. Still, you couldn’t look at him, a deep-rooted shame building within you, disappointed at yourself for listening to Roman blindly. “He told me you were trying to ruin my relationship.”
JJ rolled his eyes, muttering something under his breath. He inhaled sharply, opening his mouth to speak again when you stopped him.
“I broke up with him.”
Now, JJ’s full focus was on you, the anger in his eyes dying just a little. “You what?”
“I didn’t know about the voicemail.” You continued, shifting a little in your seat.
JJ reached a hand out, resting it on your leg as a silent reminder.
A reminder that he’s here for you. After everything.
And it's my fault that I live my life
“I didn’t know, I really didn’t.” You said quietly, cringing at the way your voice broke.
The bed dipped a little when JJ moved, leaning forward to look at you.
“Hey-”
“He deleted it, I never-” You turn slightly to look at him, realizing just how close he was to you now. “I never heard it.”
“It’s fine, I was drunk. It was a stupid mistake. I’m sorry it happened.” He looked away from you for only a moment before his eyes were on you again. “I didn’t mean to ruin our friendship.”
“You didn’t. You didn’t do anything.” You turned your attention to JJ’s hand still on your leg, his thumb rubbing up and down.
“Y/N-” He started, sighing softly.
“No, JJ, don’t.” You knew JJ well enough to know he would start blaming himself, and you tried to put a stop to it, putting your hands on either side of his face.
Running away from ghosts
“It’s not your fault. You didn’t ruin anything. I shouldn’t have listened to him, he-” With a start, you realized how close you were to JJ now, not having the heart to move your hands away from his face.
“Okay. I believe you. It wasn’t my fault.” He said, unable to tear his gaze away from you.
“He’s an asshole.” You tried to laugh it off, but it fell short when you saw JJ’s eyes dart down to your lips before focusing back on your eyes.
“So,” He whispered, one of his hands resting on your waist, the other still on your leg. “Why did you come here, anyway?”
The question hung in the air, floating in the small space between you and JJ. He was only inches away, and it was becoming increasingly hard to focus on anything other than the urge to kiss him.
“Y/N?” He spoke up again when you didn’t respond. But who could blame you? He was so close, looking at you so softly that it was making your brain short-circuit.
“I needed to see you.” You finally said, looking between JJ’s eyes and his lips.
JJ didn’t respond, staring at you with an expression you couldn’t quite decipher.
Too many skeletons
“Why did you need to see me?” He asked after what felt like forever.
“I was worried about you. I had to make sure you were okay.” Your voice was soft, whispering like the words were meant for JJ alone.
“I’m okay.” He said, his voice holding the same softness yours did.
Reluctantly, you pulled away from him, dropping your hands to your lap. JJ, however, kept his hands on you, bringing the hand on your waist up to rub your arm.
“I’m sorry for pushing you away. I’m sorry for letting Roman ruin our friendship. I just- I was just scared.” You couldn’t look up at him, dropping your gaze down to your lap.
“Scared of what?” He leaned forward slightly, still needing to be so close to you.
“I think I was just scared of my feelings.” The second the words left your mouth, you felt warm all over, not wanting to be rejected by JJ after everything.
“Your feelings?”
You nodded, keeping your attention down, fiddling with the blanket laid over the top of the bed.
Too hard to keep them in the closet where they've been
“I’ve always liked you, JJ. I’ve- I’ve always loved you.”
JJ’s breath hitched, and you could hear him whisper your name. Still, you don’t look up at him, unable to make eye contact with how vulnerable you felt.
“Hey.” His voice is soft, and you don’t move away when one of his hands rests over yours. “Look at me, sweetheart.”
Weakly, you looked up at him, seeing a fondness in his eyes that you’d never seen before. There was a smile pulling at his lips
You found yourself entranced by the look in his eyes, unable to look away.
We all make stupid mistakes sometimes
“It was stupid, I shouldn’t have left you because he told me to.” He leaned closer, listening to your apology with a newfound giddiness. “I’m sorry.”
There was a frown on your face despite the growing smile on his own face.
“You love me?”
For a moment, you were surprised, suddenly feeling very vulnerable with the way JJ was looking at you. It felt like he could see into your soul, unearthing every secret you’d ever had.
“I-” There was a part of you that wanted to deny it, to save face and tell him you didn’t mean it. But something about the way he was staring at you like you held all the stars in your eyes made you stop. “Yeah. Yeah, I love you. Of course I do, JJ.”
His grin grew wider, and he leaned closer still.
You're the one that I miss the most
JJ put one hand on your cheek, his other hand still resting over your hand. As gently as he could, he pulled you toward him until your face was inches away from his.
Your breath gets caught in your throat, and you could feel your heart beating fast in your chest.
“Can I kiss you?” He asked, so close to you that his nose was touching yours.
Instead of responding, you closed the distance between you two, loosely wrapping your arms around his neck while he brought you closer.
Finally, when you pulled back for air, JJ rested his forehead against yours.
“I missed you.” He mumbled, pressing a quick kiss to your cheek.
You grinned, feeling like your heart might beat entirely out of your chest as you shut him up with another kiss. It was a silent agreement between the two of you, to never leave again.
An agreement that you would be here for each other. After everything.
“same, joon” pt. 6139294
Dare you trust the music of the night 🎼
A step by step process of this will be available at my Patreon on january 1st!
idk how you guys are gonna react to me not posting official stuff but here's some fanart i made! [Image Description: Fanart of Chloe Price from Life Is Strange, made as if the viewer was looking up at her. She's sat on a railing, her head turned to the right, a cigarette in her mouth. She wears a dark grey shirt with a white skull drawing on it, a brown hoodie, heavily ripped jeans, shoes and a blue beanie. Through one of the holes in her jeans, a small tattoo can be seen on her left leg, which is three letters: ANX. The background is a grey-ish blue, and has a spiral. End Image Description] Image Description Credit to @mushroomjar