Opiates - Tumblr Posts
Since getting clean off of opiates, I have put on about 50 pounds. This is documenting my weight gain, hopefully I will be documenting my weight LOSS and be building some lean muscle.
Holy fuck ... 😳 6 years clean an serene today !!! Just wow... if you would of told me 6yrs ago that I'd be happy, healthy, loved, an most of all clean, I would of responded with "Not in this lifetime" .. yet here I am, working it an doin the damn thing an livin the best life I can now.
I no longer wake up dope sick with body aches, hot cold sweats that make your whole body shiver, I'm not instantly jonesing as soon as I open my eyes .. no more body aches that make me wish for death or a syringe... i no longer experience pain of withdrawal, and the mental struggles, including cravings. No more worrying about getting money or selling my body to get well. Absolutely no more fear of getting sick or of dying ..
Instead.. I wake up in a home that I've built an created with a man an children who love me. I wake up energized an happy to face a new day of possibilities, I wake up excited to see another day an to feel the sun on my skin as it comes through the house. I wake up proud that my children have a mother who is doing her best, proud knowing my kids will never know that sick an twisted side of me. I wake up with hope every day. 😁 but of course it's taken LOTS OF WORK, PROGRESS AN PERSEVERANCE AN THE WANT TO BE BETTER AN TO FINALLY ACTUALLY DO THE DAMN THING TO STAY CLEAN!!!
But what I wish people understood is how much I wanted to stop, how much I hated what my life had become. I think people assume that there is a lot more choice involved than there is. But I don't think anyone really chooses to become a addict. I chose to start getting high initially but something changed in me where alcohol wasnt enough and I compulsively sought better ways to get my mind to stop. By the time heroin came into the picture it was too late, I was already gone. Heroin does not sound like a good idea to a rational human being and some people can use other recreational or prescribed drugs and remain rational. Those of us who become junkies are people who are rendered incapable of making good decisions when mind-altering substances are introduced to our bloodstream. You might call it a slippery slope, the regression from casual partying to heroin but it's really a very slow process of accepting different levels of normality.
The first time I knew of one of my friends shooting up I was disgusted, but it gradually became less foreign and one day just didn't seem like a bad idea anymore. After that point it is a quick downhill to rock bottom. The first time I shot up I had just turned 15 an my girlfriend at the time helped load me up an hit myself for the first time..
there's this funny thing about heroin... the first time you do it, you throw up, you feel sick and you can't move. you lay on your back and your head spins and your body flips... you say to yourself, this is the stupidest drug ever. only the dumb of the dumb would ever do it again. heroin, once it became my friend, became like a warm blanket on a cold night. now i couldn't imagine living with it
from that point on I dreamt of heroin every night, And while I knew it was a bad idea, I knew as soon as I got more, I was going to do it again, just one more time. I spent the next three years waking up every day with the intention of getting clean but a few hours into the day I'd think, just one more time, then tomorrow I will do things differently.
It's hard to explain to anyone who's never been through it and I can see how it would be hard to understand because it doesn't make sense, but there was no choice. Even now, I have to keep reminding myself because it doesn't make sense to me anymore either. I have been clean for six years and am happy an loved. I, no joke, have 2 small children and a nice home an drug free life.. Most people don't know and would never assume that I spent any time living in a tent by a the river using dirty needles and rainwater to inject heroin in between my toes so no one would notice... as if they couldn't tell by my sunk in face, an weight loss. So that's the other thing I wish people knew, and really believed, is that we change. We Hate ourselves as much as society hates us but we don't have to stay that way forever, we can change into amazing beings. We don't have to be prisoners to our addiction. We can do an be better, we just have to truly want it for ourselves.
