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Known to humanity since at least 2100 BCE, Aloe “plants” are the hardy intrusions of an extradimensional Outer God whose name has been lost to time. Filled with a healing ichor, the tentacles of this eldritch entity are kept in kitchens and bedrooms throughout the world as a quick remedy for minor burns and acne. While some may question the wisdom of imprisoning and periodically tearing off the limbs of a being whose totality remains utterly incomprehensible, authorities insist that nothing bad has happened yet.
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Much like their terrestrial cousins, Sea Cucumbers are filthy filthy kinksters. Having exhausted most conventional fetishes, these prodigously perverted fish have resorted to developing new and unconventional predelictions to sate their holothurian hunger. Above, a sea cucumber takes a break from allowing fish to live in their anus by partaking in a cucumber-vanilla 'vore' scene.
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sitting on a rooftop filling out patreon rewards turns out to be actually really nice. i think im gonna scan all these secret facts in to the computer and make another guide when i have enough, though i am not sure if the terrible art is a boon or a hindrance. (at New York, New York)
Armoured to the core, Eastern American Toads are a surprising subspecies of the generally more toad-like American Toad. Unlike their close cousins who remain soft and jumpsome their entire lives, these armoured amphibians undergo a second metamorphosis after spending several months on land. During the first winter hibernation, the hinged keratinous ‘overshell’ and a retractible neck is developed, allowing these toads to withdraw to safety should danger approach.
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The third-cleverest of all the fishes, Salmon have developed a unique style of feeding. Rather than hunt underwater as normal, these fish will precariously perch on the edge of waterfalls and simply wait for the annual migration of grizzlies to arrive. Exhausted by chasing each other up waterfalls, the sodden bears make an easy meal for these intelligent icthyids.
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Red-sided snakes are one of the most ostentatious ophidians found in California. Often spotted at open auditions and waiting tables, these unusually accented slitherers will divulge a rich personal history when asked about themselves. While they have yet to see their big break, they remain confident in a bright future.
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An integral part of modern chocolate manufacture, Cacao grubs are deliberately introduced to the seedpods of the Theobroma cacao tree. These bulbous larvae will consume the interior of the pod, moderating the flavor of the cacao beans in a manner not unlike that of Kopi luwak. After ‘fermenting’, the Cacao grubs are roasted alive and flesh scraped away to reveal perfectly flavored ‘nibs’ of naturally produced chocolate.
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Ghost Crabs are (as their name suggests) the spirits of murdered crabs bent on revenge. Given physical form by voluminous levels of hatred, these belligerent Brachyura spend every waking moment of their new lives hunting down those who wronged them. Curiously, the most common cause of this hellbent vengeance is “disrespectful treatment of earthly remains” and not “being murdered” so one would be well-advised to avoid crab feasts.
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i still have to write secret bonus knowledge, add a small gift, fold them, seal them, and mail them. all of this should have been done when i got the requests originally but i am an incredible procrastinator; i am so lucky my patreon supporters are patient and kind souls <3 (at The Academy of Bird Sciences)
First revealed as a hoax perpetrated by Carl Linnaeus in 1758, Great Bitterns continue to be reported by novice birdwatchers an astonishing two and a half centuries later. This peculiar endurance is in large part due to veteran birders building replicas out of feathers, discarded beaks, and particularly hostile rocks to fool credulous newbies. Unfortunately for prank-hearted birding mentors, this practice is dying out as the newest generation of birdwatchers can trivially fact-check their existence through the use of internet-connected pocket telephones.
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Intruders from an elseworld where all fish look like that, Mola Mola can barely cope in our oceans. Unaccustomed to a vast and boundless ocean full of jerks, these aesthetically anomalous fish are the targets of relentless bullying by practically everything else that dwells in the sea. To date efforts to curb this hurtful behaviour from the more pugnacious pelagics have been met with failure, and Mola Mola continue to be harassed.
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Mock-the-King Birds (now known simply as Mockingbirds) were the genesis of Charles Darwin’s theory of Evolution. Named for their parodic singing and generally irreverent attitude towards royalty, Darwin wrote “these Birds know not their betters, and Mocke his Royal Highness William even as he has done such Good in this world,” eventually concluding there was “not a Spark of the Lord inside them.” After months of wrestling with his faith, he decided these birds were solid evidence there is no God, and that all life was simply the end result of chance mutations accumulated through millions of years.
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Quantum Equinologists were first alerted to the multidimensional parallelity of Horses with the discovery of Takhi Przewalski, a Horse whose sidelives had gathered onto the Mongolian steppes of this worldline. Hypotheses abound regarding their unusual decision to congregate here, ranging from “safety in numbers” to “our worldline has the best grass”. Currently, Takhi is splitting their population between a variety of zoological parks and (as pictured above) the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone.
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Much like the various species of python snakes, Beluga Whales are capable of unhinging their jaws to swallow prey many times the size of their head. This adaptation is rather unusual among marine mammals, and leads to a distinct “lumpy” appearance as recent meals fill out their bodies. Above, a Beluga Whale displays a gentle smile of satisfaction after devouring an entire school of salmon.
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When a Fig Wasp and a Fig Tree love each other very much they have a special hug and I beg of you please do not investigate further. It is better that you think figs are merely the result of a weird bee having sex with a plant, because the truth is significantly less palatable. Some Things Once Learned Cannot Be Forgotten; You Have Been Warned.
This post is in memoriam of the brave field researcher who sacrificed themself upon the pyre of forbidden knowledge. May their disappearance not be in vain.
Unable to afford expensive orthodontia, Crossbilled birds are forced to eke a tenuous existence on the outskirts of a bird society which prioritizes looks over feelings. Relentlessly bullied for their crooked beaks, they often sink into a deep depression. Above, a Crossbill stares into the distance while trying to work up the motivation to bathe for the first time in ten days.
Vicious predators native to the vast and desolate prairies of Manitoba, Canadian Panthers have successfully spread to the entirety of Turtle Island. Encounters with these ferocious felidae almost always conclude calamitously, and they are believed to be responsible for the complete destruction of several small communities in rural Ontario. Above is the last photograph taken by an as-yet unidentified photographer, capturing the moment just before a Canadian Panther attacked and killed them.
Unlike their terrestrial cousins, Giant Flying Squirrels refuse to be bound by society’s views on appropriate methods of travel. By spreading themselves as wide and flat as possible, these Alternative Birds are capable of gliding upwards of sixty-five metric feet! While it is true they lack the finer control of more traditional birds, they also have not been able to fly as long and so should be afforded a measure of leniency when judging their ability.
Needlessly territorial and bellicose, Whooping Cranes have a well-deserved negative reputation among the Gruiformes. Because of their needless aggression, these provocative birds were hunted until scarcely two dozen existed in the entire world. Thanks to the tireless efforts of multiple non-profit groups and citizen mad science associations dedicated to making angry birds a daily threat to humanity, there are now nearly four hundred and fifty Whooping Cranes on the loose and ready to deliver their namesake upon innocent bystanders.
Above, a solitary Whooping Crane ruins a picnic being held by a large group of Sandhill Cranes.