Shit My Players Say - Tumblr Posts
Ranger'd
Context: My brother and I played D&D with my dad a lot when we were kids, but we only played about 2 hours every couple weeks, and kept losing our character sheets, so we’d never been above level 5 or 6. My uncle comes to town for a weekend and wants to DM a game for the three of us, but he wants to make it quick, so he says everyone’s level 15, let’s get going. I played a ranger, my brother was a fighter, and I can’t remember what my dad played. Probably a fighter. I was 9, my brother was 8. We get to through the dungeon and to the big boss when:
Uncle: You are now facing a high-level dragolich!
Me: Isn’t a lich some sort of undead monster?
Dad: Yeah? Why?
Me (Flipping through the player’s handbook): One second…You go ahead.
My father and brother had rolled higher initiatives than me so they took their turns while I’m figuring out at what level rangers get cleric spells, and how effective those spells would be. Eventually, I want to confirm my findings with my dad.
Me: Rangers get cleric spells at level 8, right?
Dad (Getting excited): Yeah, they do!
Uncle: But you have to learn spells in advance in order to use them.
Dad (A more experienced DM): No, WIZARDS have to do that, but clerics get them all whenever they want.
Me: So I’m a level 15 cleric–
Uncle (Correcting me): Rangers first get cleric spells at level 8, so you’re technically only a level 7 cleric.
Me (Showing my dad the Turn Undead spell): But I can do that, right?
Dad: Yeah, absolutely!
Me (The most pleased with myself I could be): I cast Turn Undead.
Uncle (Very pissed): Roll for damage.
I do. It’s a LOT.
Uncle: You’ve killed the dragolich.
After giving us our experience and gold, my uncle ended the session amid my brother and dad’s cheering, and that is the story of how I made my uncle ragequit because a 9 year-old girl with a 15th level ranger ruined his dungeon.
Soul Farm
Druid: Are there any farms nearby? *points at the map* What’s that next to the temple? GM: That would be the cemetery Druid: So, like a soul farm?
My players: we’re bored, we’re gonna do a non canon session!
My players 10 minutes later:
“I LOVE YOU”
“MY BACK IS BROKEN”
“I WANT +5 CHARISMA”
“THE PHONES EXPLODED?!?!?”
“THE SHIP NEEDS TO BE CANON”
“AAAA”
literally the Druid tiefling I drew
Making friends with a Druid
Me, the DM, as a motherly barmaid: “is there anything else I can do for you, dear?”
Druid, quietly: “…I’m putting her on my uwu list”
More on my half-orc rogue
He became know has kingslayer, wich became literally is family name, since it was an exploit. And it offered a bonus for negotiation with any tribal being - orc, gobelin, barbare.... The first force recruted in the rebellion. As for the idea itself, of fucking it's the barde who decided to start a rebellion since they already killed the king. He spread the story in the tavern and made allies with the others barde for spreading it further, even convinced the marchants to help finance it. In his word (OOC) " the french revolution was helped by the bourgeoisie against the aristocracie, make sense we do the same". Argument made, I, as GM, was forced to give him that. And our priest and paladin appealed to the mass thank to their righteous justice and god parole. Anyhow, that how the kingdom of Corynthe became a Republic, thank to a kleptomane half-orc and several critical fail and a bard trying to talk their way out.
We're a party of genesi. We got two fire genesi, our mage and a warrior, a wind genesi, our healer, and me, the rogue, an ice genesi.
This is our first party, we're paid to go retrieve an item. Now, this item was stolen by a rich mercenary, during the sacking of a neighbor country. We spend the first half of the game travelling, and now, it's night, and we're arguing how to go about retrieving the item. It's getting late, we're tired. Mage and Warrior keep arguing back and forth between stealth, what to do if milicia come, if mercenary is here and so on. While they argue, I said to the GM I will try to unlock the door of the mercenary house. I get my lockpick out, and roll for opening. Apparently, it's enchanted, I need an amulet to unlock. Mage declare that he cast fireball. GM ask if he's sure, he said yes. He cast his spell. At the door. The door I'm currently just in front of. I get a malus to dodge. I fail my dodge roll. I take the fireball in full. Since a fire genesi cast it, the damage are doubled. Since an ice genesi took it, the damaged are doubled. I just took 5x4 damage. I'm very dead. It's like... 2.5 more damage than my hp. The save roll is also failed
I'm dead. Carbonized. The house is on fire, the milicia is coming, that was our first scenar, everyone is loosing their mind and trying to strangle the mage. Yeah, that was a very short campaign.
Some absolute bangers from my dnd sesh tonight:
DM, in response to Jonathan taking a puff of weed mid-session: “Are you ripping a bong in Strahd’s castle??”
DM, after Jonathan asks in-game if Strahd is British: “He gives you a confused look like ‘what the fuck are british people?’“
Dm, watching a player be weird across the table: “What are you throating over there? Is that a piece of asparagus?”
Said player: “You dont got the asparagussy.”
Jonathan, in response to ‘What can I do that you cant?’: “You can…not tank a wooden stake to the heart.”
Jonathan: “Youre a bad neighbor!”
Aenrice: “IM A FIRBOLG, IM THE TARGET OF A HATECRIME.”
Aenrice: “Dont die.”
Jonathan: “Probably not.”
Jonathan, when Strahd doesn’t believe him: “No, I can actually speak dog.”
DM, imitating Jonathan: “That vampire bussy got me actin up.”
Jonathan: “I told you we shouldn’t have done it but you were all ‘no i want some of that sweet vampire dick-“
Aenrice: “THAT WAS YOU-“
Jonathan’s Player, out of nowhere: “You could totally turn an ice cream scooper into a pipe.”
Jonathan, in reference to fucking Strahd: “You said no, he said yea, we took the highest bidder.”
Arenus, jealously: “I cant believe you would even think about doing something like that with him.”
Jonathan: “Dyou wanna fuck?”
Arenus: “No!”
Jonathan: “Then shut up.”
NPC: “Stay safe traveler!”
Jonathan: “Maybe”
Aenrice’s Player: “Aenrice looks at your four-barreled blunderbuss, then at his one barreled blunderbuss, and says ‘Yours is bigger than mine.’”
Jonathan: “Aint that the usual.”
Jonathan: “Strahd, me boy, yer a feckin fool.”
Jonathan: *Exorcises Strahd while speaking fake Italian like a Terminal Montage video*
Jonathan: “Exorcise, no treadmill.”
resettales
okay I decided to name my undertale au this
player restarted their world so munch it made them more and more different and making the au resettales and every-time the player kills the monster they become aware the place they got killed cuts deeper after every restart and Yume because aware afraid of the player becoming more anxiety and sad hissing from them not wanting to die while robin becomes more violent the cut on his face becomes more painful and deeper after every resets