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mental health, the inadequacy of words, & being kind to yourself

Hello friends.

I am going to be very transparent with you all. I did not get anything done this week. It was a very rough week for me mental health-wise and I could barely drag myself through completing my class assignments, let alone think about writing creatively for fun. (Technically this blog is a class assignment for now, but I try to think of it as a fun hobby so I don’t burn my inspiration out. Having to post once a week for class is just extra motivation to continue to work on my creative writing as opposed to neglecting it for “more important tasks”.) 

I was disgusted with myself this week. I was bone dead exhausted. I kept wanting to cry and cry and cry and never stop, yet the tears would never come. I was so, so very angry, at life, at the world, at myself,  in a way that I rarely ever experience. I felt like I could shatter to pieces at any minute. 

I had a talk with my cousin the other night at a family birthday party about the inadequacy of language, particularly the English language, to truly capture emotion. I envy poets and authors who have the skills to evoke even a mere fraction of the emotions they are feeling or projecting upon their characters through the limited conventions of words. I hope to harness such skills someday. I am most certainly not there yet. I cannot even begin to describe to you the depths of my headspace this past week, and yet I still try. To be quite frank, I have not had a depressive episode so bad in months. It makes me all the more glad that I finally made the decision to attend therapy/counseling. 

I know at least one thing my wonderful therapist (she truly is lovely) will tell me when I visit her this week. I need to practice being kind to myself during tough times. I often get so frustrated when I can’t find the motivation to “properly” do my work or devote my time and energy to something important or beneficial, such as working my creative writing muscles as I do in this blog. And I have always been the type of person to project that frustration and anger inwards, instead of letting it explode outwards. But being negative will only keep me trapped in a vicious cycle of mean thoughts and hurt feelings. Being kind to myself, and giving myself space to rest, recharge, and eventually regain motivation is extremely important. I would do well to remember that more often. And I don’t think I’m the only one who could use a reminder. 

I apologize for dumping that on y’all and the jumbled mess I feel that this post has become, but I think it’s important to be transparent about my ups and downs, in life as well as in my writing. I’m still pulling myself out of the hole I dug this past week. Yet, I do want to reassure you all that I am okay. I may not be great, or even good, but I will get there in time. I am okay.

Whatever you all are going through this week, please remember to be kind to yourselves. And even when it’s hard to, try to remember to dot your j’s and cross your t’s. (Sometimes satisfaction is found in the little things.) It will get better soon. It will.

With lots of love and positive vibes to carry you into this next week, 

~Clementine J. Quincey 🪷

P.S. This post was a bit of a downer (much like my week) so here is something that made me smile this past week; a bright spot in the midst of some cloudy weather, if you will. 

Autumn is my favorite season, (I oft tell my friends I was built for autumnal weather), and this song is just so hauntingly beautiful and melancholic. It almost hurts in a good way. When I stumbled across it this past week, I played it on full blast in my car with my heat pumping but the windows rolled all the way down on my way to class. It was the best. ᕱ__ᕱ