Sonnet Speaks - Tumblr Posts
LRT some of the replies to that post go into the possibility of intentionally separating your parts being anti-recovery.
I do think this is true to some extent. Parts deserve freedom to just be themself and figure themself out- it can help you all know why they have been separated. I also think it's not very healthy to present as your disorder- you and that part would be more than just DID/ OSDD.
But you have to differentiate to some extent to know how to unify. One of my parts was less burdened by our constantly changing interests and knew they want to be a psychologist. The other parts with opinions on career paths were very indecisive and didn't really have their heart in their choices. So in the end our current collective choice is to go into psychology because that seems to be the loudest and most consistent. This isn't something we feel we would have identified just staying a blurry mess, but just staying in our separate preferences was also not taking us anywhere.
Finding ways to unify goals and make agreements so that those aspects can feel like collective choices can make you less likely to abruptly drop things, have things that "are no longer relevant" be lost, and start over again. This is why I remind myself the importance of the past present & future being viewed as intertwined things.
Tfw you take adhd meds but you're also having a CPTSD Day tm so you can focus but you're also just dissociated tm. Like I'm more firmly in the body now but I still feel like I'm blinking in and out memory wise and like I'm half not in the present but at least my internal dialogue is more sensical.
An unhealthy coping mechanism doesn't exist with a sinister intent or because they are bad and so are you. They exist because you needed a coping mechanism and that was the most comforting one for you. They exist because you didn't know better when you needed it most. I hope you can find a healthier more comforting one soon, but you are not bad for having an unhealthy coping mechanism.
Sometimes healing is randomly breaking down crying because someone said something light hearted which happened to trigger intense grief and it means you're actually allowing yourself to feel it
Fighting a battle to be the one in the body tm; so that you're not sitting staring off into space and occasionally remembering to move but feeling like the air you're moving through is some kind of molasses
Okay but did anyone play video games and always pick specific characters that in your head were what your "friends" wanted to play. Making CPUs the other characters for "friends" that were around and talking internally as though you're all playing together or just me...
hearing a majority of plural folk/systems discovering their plurality through their ocs or art/writing is so funny because looking back at some old vent art, yeah the signs were definitely there, I just never questioned it.
Little reminder that osdd1 a/ b don't exist in the DSM or ICD it is outdated terminology based on DDNOS pls stop spreading misinfo. Whether you experience only emotional amnesia, barely differentiated parts, or both you are OSDD1.
Getting out of a state of numbness and going from 0 to 100 kinda makes me entertained in a messed up way. I feel like the epitome of a dramatic entrance gif making a pose even though I've already been here for hours. I practically want to say "hey I'm alive again what's up b****es."
🎶 // I think I am currently at the part of therapy where I know it's helped me So Much but I feel like all of the anxiety that has weighed so much on me and CPTSD things I didn't realize existed are more settled in now. So I'm like. Surely I don't need more therapy. It's done it's job. As though staying stabilized wouldn't also be important. As though you can't have highs and lows in mental health. And as though there aren't more things that should probably be addressed.
The host when they listen to me and validate my ideals instead of pushing me aside and ignoring me all the time and then I seem happier and they also feel "more aligned":
Avoidance behaviours can still be present when you're avoiding them. I didn't used to realize it- but fixating on special interests without rest can be a practice of avoidance and so can fixating on social relations in hopes of not losing touch with your desire to socialize. I always felt like I Had to do xyz or the past would repeat... That's kinda the same as fearing to do xyz because of the past repeating.
Vent post
Yesterday I was hanging out with my friend and smth got mentioned and I could feel my feels being plucked from me. That feeling of "actually this isn't your friend but a stranger and what memories you made were fake btw :)" and suddenly just Lots of Tiredness. I tried very hard to just bear it and keep it together but man Mental Illness tm.
My mind is chilling out again more or less- or at least my brain feels less like it needs to dissociate recently so the system is dormant again. I guess therapy, making adjustments to life, and taking medication have def all helped. It feels surreal that this episode only lasted a few months.
But my mental health isn't just dissociation. And how I feel now doesn't invalidate how I felt. I solemnly swear not to spontaneously delete this blog in denial. I quite like the energy of my dash anyhow. Hope you're all doing well. ♡
One thing I'd say I learned over the past few months- the fatigue associated with active symptoms of trauma disorders is honestly mind blowing I think. My body would ache with tiredness as though it was ill. Trying to do anything felt like both moving through sludge and climbing over a wall. My yawns were long and exaggerated in a way I haven't noticed for months. My sleep was unpredictable- always trying for at least 6 hours but when and how effectively varied. My motivation was a battle to hold onto.
Vague vent -- Today is a I wish I was being hugged tightly and that some higher being could tell me themself that they will make one wish come true kind of day
Tagged by @cyberpups to post a pic of my lockscreen, the last song I've listened to, the last picture I've taken, and the last picture saved
The bunny art in my lockscreen is by fluffysheeps - my lock screen is things I want to do so I can progress in hopes of motivation. Also I want to meet my bestie irl one day- her name is Feng. Minus my identity issues under stress we're very similar haha.
Recently been loving Miao Jiang's voice and just how she hits the notes in that song. Something about it is like peanut butter to my brain.
Last pic taken is food I made- tried to make a paw shape. Want to learn how to make food look nicer to help a loved one's ED
Last pic saved- I've just been adoring teal and yellow both recently. Wanted to see things of the colours together just to get an idea of how to they can be used together.
I'll @ ... @69consellationsinatrenchcoat @xxmellowmelon if you haven't and want to. Anyone else is free to do it as well of course. I would love to see your post, I'm very curious and nosy. I'm a creature nosing at your camera and smudging it with my nose.
Tagged by @cyberpups to post a pic of my lockscreen, the last song I've listened to, the last picture I've taken, and the last picture saved
The bunny art in my lockscreen is by fluffysheeps - my lock screen is things I want to do so I can progress in hopes of motivation. Also I want to meet my bestie irl one day- her name is Feng. Minus my identity issues under stress we're very similar haha.
Recently been loving Miao Jiang's voice and just how she hits the notes in that song. Something about it is like peanut butter to my brain.
Last pic taken is food I made- tried to make a paw shape. Want to learn how to make food look nicer to help a loved one's ED
Last pic saved- I've just been adoring teal and yellow both recently. Wanted to see things of the colours together just to get an idea of how to they can be used together.
I'll @ ... @69consellationsinatrenchcoat @xxmellowmelon if you haven't and want to. Anyone else is free to do it as well of course. I would love to see your post, I'm very curious and nosy. I'm a creature nosing at your camera and smudging it with my nose.
"If you cared I wouldn't have to say it" is how communication and trust issues are built up in any bond too. No one is a mindreader. No one can talk for another person. It is about how someone reacts rather than how well someone predicts you. If they react to information by doing their best to remember it and listen to your needs, then that is resolving the issue. If they aren't given the chance to react, then it's prolonging the issue and not respecting them as a person. You have to talk the talk if you also want to walk the walk.
As an autistic person, the implications of "if they really cared I wouldn't have to say it" culture are really scary. Because I want to know what hurts your feelings, what crosses your boundaries, where the line between teasing and being mean is at for you, what you need, and how to make you feel loved. And the implication that if my disability makes me unable to figure out these things through intuition alone, then I'm just not worth having around, is genuinely heartbreaking
Seeing those DID % it's not rare tm posts make me laugh when it's to things I happen to also have
One of the rules we made is "if a member is uncomfortable with a friend then it must be taken seriously by the system and talked/ worked out"... Today someone basically tapped the sign at me. A personal success is that I listened ahaha... and going to look at the past things we agreed on admittedly helped convince me to take it more seriously.
In the past we'd sometimes go in circles and get progressively anxious- really wanting our choice to be picked and worried about losing control of that. I'd like to think my mental health is truly leveling up. I am becoming more powerful !