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Our Sleeves Were Wet With Tears | Chapter 3
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“Yes. Yes, I do.”
He could barely hear her voice, so weak and unsure it was. And yet, there wasn't any real hesitation in it – as if she'd been sure about her own wish but not at all confident as to whether she should voice it, whether it was alright for her to admit what that wish was.
Taichi didn't know if he wanted to crush her in an embrace and apologise for making her feel anything of the sort or kick his own bottom for causing that, first.
It had never been her fault.
No.
It was his.
"Come on, then," he replied simply, stepping aside and reaching for both of their bags, hanging them over his shoulders as if it was the most natural thing for him to do. Chihaya didn't react to his actions in any way, but he was no longer surprised by that. She was clearly not herself, lost and confused, bouncing from one emotion to the other, regardless of how contradictory they might have seemed.
He could hardly expect her to flinch or move just because he suddenly wasn't standing next to her.
He shifted his gaze back to her and saw that she was, once again, turned to her right and staring into the distance, presumably focused on the same spot she'd been looking at before. No longer having to choose his priorities, Taichi allowed himself to follow her gaze this time, curious to see what it was that had managed to catch her attention not once, but twice... To determine whether it really was something worthy of paying attention to or if it was just the fact that it was in the opposite direction to where he was.
He was surprised to see that the object she'd been looking at was no less than the playground he himself had mentioned right before he'd stepped through that wretched gate.
Heck, she really had good instincts.
"Looks like you've found a perfect place to make that fall," he said cheerfully, though he still made sure that his tone was gentle. "This is the place I told you about earlier. Seems like I was right, too. About no children around, I mean."
Chihaya nodded in confirmation, her eyes still fixed on the small yard. Then she turned around, sharply, unexpectedly – and winced, seeing the bags in Taichi's hands.
She reached out for hers immediately, but he raised his arm to stop her.
"It's fine, Chihaya, I've got this. Let's just go."
He set off towards the entrance to the playground, about a dozen metres away. He didn't wait for her, didn't insist that she should walk by his side and not behind him; if she had followed him before, there was no reason to think that she wouldn't follow him now.
And the one thing Taichi had no doubts about at all was that she sure needed her space today.
They reached the yard in no time and soon were looking for a bench they might sit on. Taichi made sure that the one they chose wasn't placed directly next to the street, but at the same time, he certainly didn't wish to settle down in some distant, secret spot on the other side of the playground, and not only because it would be foolish to make Chihaya walk any more than she had to. They wanted some privacy; they didn't need absolute seclusion.
He still didn't trust himself enough to stay with her like that.
So he looked around and soon he found a seat that was perfect for their needs. It was close enough to where they stood not to make their stroll towards it seem like a strain, but far enough not to make them feel like they were sitting by the pavement they had just left behind. Without asking Chihaya's opinion, Taichi began to walk towards it, with nothing but a nod to indicate his intentions.
She didn't need a decade of friendship between them to understand that clue.
He glanced back at her a few times, both before and after reaching the bench and couldn't help but notice that her attitude had changed. It wasn't much; just a simple fact that her eyes were no longer cast down, but instead searching the environment around her, as if she'd been trying to determine something, though he couldn't for the life of him tell what it was exactly she was pondering about. She looked calm, on the outside at least. Like...
Like she was too preoccupied with her thoughts to think of all the distressful issues that had been bothering her so far.
She joined him next to the bench just a few seconds after he'd arrived at it himself, her gaze still scanning every bit of the yard she could view from where she stood. Her arms were folded now; her fingers tightened around the fabric of her shirt as she rumpled it unconsciously, completely unaware of the damage she was doing.
Just as he had thought, she was too lost in thought to care.
"You’d better sit down, you don't want to harm that leg any further," he said evenly, putting both of their bags in the very middle of the bench. "I know you don't think it's serious and you're probably right; still, it's no reason to overstrain yourself when there's no need for that."
Chihaya turned towards him then, though her gaze still wasn't fully focused. "It's just a cut, Taichi, not a broken bone. It doesn't matter if I stand on it or not."
"So it's not hurting, huh?"
"It won't hurt less if I sit down, that's all I'm saying."
She did sit down, however, and without any more prompting on his part. Taichi smiled weakly, his expression a mixture of contentment and relief, and took his seat next to her – or better said, next to the bags he'd so cleverly put in between them.
Perhaps he should have thought it through more carefully.
"I really hope it will heal quickly," he offered, randomly shifting his attention back to the conversation at hand. "You've injured that knee quite severely, given the circumstances. I'm still having trouble understanding how you even managed it."
She shrugged. "I must've fallen on a pebble or something. Anyway, I'll just need to wear the bandages for a little while until it's back to normal. It's not like I'm entering any beauty contests in the near future, so I don't really care how long it takes to heal."
Taichi gave her a curious glance. "It probably won't be very comfortable to kneel on the tatami with it, though. You might want to think of a cushion or something – Doctor Harada has been using those for years, it can't be much of an obstacle. And it would only be for a short while for you."
"That won't be necessary," she cut him off, her head bowing a little lower again. "I mean, the cushion. I won't be needing it. I'll be fine."
"The mat is pretty rough though, if you rest your knee against it, even wrapped up it will get-"
"Taichi," she interrupted him again. "That won't be a problem. I promise."
He didn't contradict her again, in spite of how little he understood her protest. And so they sat together for a while, wrapped up in an awkward silence, neither of them knowing when or how to pick up the conversation again. There was so much to talk about, and yet, each and every subject appeared to be banned, as they all led back to the moment they had last talked openly.
On one hand, Taichi wanted nothing more than to throw himself into it, without hesitation, without second thoughts, ready to risk the last bit of sanity he had left, if only that meant learning what was really going on in Chihaya's mind and heart at last. To finally hear her answer in full, with all the excuses and explanation she might provide, with her telling him what exactly his confession had meant to her – to see for himself if it had left any other trace than the cursed abashment and confusion she displayed every time they as much as passed each other by at school.
On the other, he was terrified by the very idea of what she might say to him if she decided to open up in this way.
At some point, she let go of her crumbled shirt and straightened her arms, choosing to tighten her fingers around the edge of the bench instead. Yet again, Taichi found himself watching her, mesmerised by the sight of her focused, composed expression that at the same time left no doubt about how busy her mind was.
Just what was she thinking about so intensely?
"It's here, isn't it?" she asked suddenly, once again managing to take him aback with her volatility. "This playground. It's the one we used to go to when we were kids, right?"
"I... suppose so," he answered her eloquently, unable to understand why she should bring that particular thing up now. "I mean, we went to so many playgrounds over the years, it's hard to stay on track. Though I guess this one is close enough for us to visit it, from time to time anyway. And it does seem... familiar."
"I'm sure it's the one," she continued relentlessly, her gaze still fixed on some distant spot. Suddenly, she straightened up and pointed with her finger at the direction she'd been looking at. "See that swing over there? They always build those in a way where there are two, so kids can swing together with their friends. But here... There's only one. I don't remember any other playground with a single swing like this one."
Taichi's eyes widened a little in recognition, but also in astonishment at the thought process she had just presented to him.
"You may be onto something, actually," he agreed. "I never even thought of it. I guess it didn't seem important at the time."
"How so? It made us take turns swinging, and we couldn't do our jumping contests properly, and-"
"And half the time you made me rock you, no matter how many swings there actually were. I could bet that the jumping contests you've just mentioned were the only reason why you didn't insist on me doing it all the time."
She opened her mouth to oppose him but closed it almost immediately, short of a proper argument. Taichi smiled good-heartedly, amused with her fierce reaction that seemed so contradictory to her previous behaviour, however, one that was so typical of her in general that he couldn't even bring himself to question it.
"Chitose hated coming with us, you know," Chihaya changed the subject, but again, he didn't protest. "She would always whine about how childish we were and how she was forced to babysit us, even though in reality, she was too young for anyone to allow that. It didn't stop her from complaining though... And since I've always looked up to her, I really felt bad about it every time."
"Even though you knew she was exaggerating?"
"I didn't know it then. She seemed so much older at the time, and acted as if she really had been. And we surely were a handful when we were ten."
"Speak for yourself," Taichi disagreed humorously. "I was a good boy, who listened to his mother and followed rules all the time. I was the easiest kid to look after in the world."
The playful brag earned him a glare from Chihaya, who then said, "In the fifth grade you dared me to race you all the way from school and then cheated by taking a shortcut I didn't know of. I was so confused when you disappeared that I ran into the nearest lamp post and bumped my head so bad that I thought I'd faint on the spot. I actually had to get stitches afterwards."
"Oh, I remember. I was the one who let your parents know, while you pretended to be fine," Taichi replied. "Funny, how often that happened. Also, I didn't cheat. We never agreed on the route we should take."
This time Chihaya didn't even try to argue her point. Instead, she brought her legs to her chest, grimacing slightly at the stinging she felt after bending her injured knee. Still, she didn't back out, and only made sure that her chin rested on the good one instead. Yet again, Taichi was left wondering as to what she might be thinking of, but chose not to pester her about it. It was one thing to tease her about their childhood adventures and the many messes she'd found herself in – messes he'd sometimes provoked but always made sure to get her out of whenever he'd noticed it was too much for her to deal with; but to bother her with his questions when he still couldn't be sure how much she was willing to tell him...
That was just not the right thing to do.
So he waited, his eyes opened wide and his ears pricked in anticipation for when she would finally decide to speak. He could feel the atmosphere around him thicken and the tension build up; it wasn't long before he felt like after a silence like this the words she said next would be ones that would knock all air out of him, regardless of what subject she decided to touch upon.
You don't take that much time to think of an answer that would bear no meaning to it.
And yet...
"Those were good times, weren't they?"
It was all she cared to say.
And Taichi just stared, because hell, how was he supposed to react? Yeah, I guess, he might have said. It really was, he might have added afterwards. Or perhaps something like, The time outside was fun, though I sure wish my mother hadn't made me take all those violin lessons and extra classes, or that she at least wouldn't have made such a great deal about it and just let me spend more time with you.
He almost did say all that; but just like in most of the matches he'd played against her, he simply wasn't fast enough.
"Taichi..." he heard her whisper so quietly that he could barely tell it was his own name she was pronouncing. "Is... Is it true? That you've had all those feelings for me for so long?"
So, there they were. The words that knocked him out.
He didn't answer her, staring at her wide-eyed instead, swallowing nervously as he thought of the best way to respond. It was then that she finally turned towards him, even though the lower half of her countenance was still concealed behind her legs. Her big eyes bored into his with expectation for a short while, before she turned away again, slouching even further as she hid her face in her knees.
She shouldn't have asked him that.
No, he berated himself. It's exactly what she should do, what she should have done all those weeks ago when he'd told her that he was in love with her. Back then she'd been too stunned, too terrified to ask about it, to ensure that she'd heard him correctly – now, calmer and with more than a few hours of thinking it over (he was now sure that she had thought of it), she was finally requesting the confirmation of what she suspected.
Of what she feared, perhaps.
"You mean, if I was in love with you when we were in primary school?" he asked placidly. "I don't know. I didn't really think of it in these categories back then. I don't suppose ten- or even twelve-year-old boys do in general. I liked you; I was fond of you. You were important to me."
"That's what you could say about any close friends, though," she muttered under her breath.
"Not like this, I couldn't," Taichi refuted. "I mean, of course: I liked Arata as well. I was fond of him. And in a way, he was important to me, too, though I'm still not sure if it was because of him or simply because you were so determined to stick with him yourself. We both know he wasn't someone I would've chosen for a friend on my own."
He half expected her to cry in protest again, telling him how she had no doubt that he would have, even if it wouldn't have happened as quickly as it had with her help. However, she remained silent; and as uncomfortable as it made him feel, Taichi had no choice but to continue.
"You were special to me, Chihaya, much more so than I was ready to admit," he said. "When we graduated... When we got separated in middle school, I hated it. I almost told my mother that I wouldn't go to the one she chose for me," he added with a small smile, one which only grew when Chihaya turned her head to glance at him instinctively. "Of course, I knew she wouldn't hear of it, so I never even tried. It was a horrible idea to back down like that; I can't tell you how many times I wondered what it would have been like if I had said that to her. Technically, I knew the answer – and still, it wouldn't leave me alone. Probably because it was yet another proof of how much of a coward I really was."
He raised his hand and buried it in his hair, combing the slightly too long locks sheepishly. "You came all this way today to tell me that I'm not a coward and I hope to God that you're right. That... I have managed to fix that about myself, to some extent at least. But the fact remains: I was a coward at that time. All the way to high school and well into it, I had to constantly push myself not to give in, not to choose the easier path."
"But you never did that," she broke in. "I can't remember a time when you would even consider it. If anything, I always felt like you were pushing yourself too hard."
"There's a difference between doing things, though, and doing them courageously," Taichi explained. "Truth is, half the time I was throwing myself into one activity or another because it was the simplest way to run from the problems I didn't want to think about."
"Even in primary school?"
Taichi shook his head.
"No. Back then, I didn't realise any of this. I think I was too full of myself to even consider that – my parents told me I was apt, my teachers confirmed it with their praises and grades. My friends liked me and said that I was cool, and I believed them. You... you were probably the only one who actually challenged me back then, but even you didn't recognise what I hid behind that wall of confidence. I didn't, either."
He paused, thoughtful, and inhaled deeply, taking in as much oxygen as he could in that one go; heavens knew he was going to need it.
He turned a little, and looked Chihaya directly in the eyes before adding,
"And that's when Arata came in."
He saw her eyes widen a little as she watched him carefully, clearly surprised by the sudden turn in his tale. That reaction took him aback a little in turn – he was sure that even without knowing all the details, she should have felt the connection and therefore expected their childhood friend – his childhood rival – to make an appearance sooner or later in his story. However, he now realised that Chihaya really didn't have a clue; apparently even the admission of his wrongdoings those few weeks back wasn't enough to put her on track.
It looked like he needed to start over and go back to the basics, building her understanding of it from scratch.
Somehow, he didn't mind at all.
"Arata was the one who first called me a coward," he said, his voice steady despite the whirl of emotions that rose in his heart. "After I gave him back his glasses, he said that to me. You're a coward, Mashima. No words had ever stung me so much."
"Was it because you'd stolen them?" Chihaya asked, hesitantly. "Because you were afraid of losing to him in that tournament?"
"Those surely were connected, yes," he agreed. "He obviously referred to my stupid theft and the fears behind it. They weren't what had prompted him to say those words, though."
He paused for a second, waiting for Chihaya to chime in again with another question or objection, but none came. He clenched his jaw, realising that he had no other option but to go on without a prompt – to confess once more, risking her anger or (worse) disappointment again.
How many more of those statements was he to do?
"After I'd given him his glasses, I also asked him not to tell you about it," he admitted eventually. "I was so scared of what you might think of me if he did, so sure you would never speak to me again after learning something like this. Not only would you have had every right to do so... but I also knew that you'd have no problem lasting in such a resolve. After all, I had only just tried to shut you out because you'd dared to speak with Arata against my wish, made our entire class do that as well – and you didn't even blink. The natural conclusion on my part was that you didn't care enough to feel hurt or rebel against it... That, if given the choice, you would have chosen Arata without a second thought. And that was before I had acted like a total cheat and jerk."
Both of his hands were in his hair now as he slouched down, resting his elbows on his knees and shutting his eyes, ashamed.
"I know now that it's not what you would've done. You didn't choose Arata because it was him or because you didn't like me. I gave you an ultimatum that was as ludicrous as it was cruel; I told you to make a choice between a lonely kid that everyone was picking on already and a group of self-important teenage twits. Even without your kindness, your pride alone would have been enough to determine your decision. The problem was, I didn't know any of that back then.
"When he called me a coward afterwards, it was like a punch in the guts, painful and unexpected, partly because at the time, I had no idea how ruthless he could be. What hurt the most, however... was the fact that he was right. That the hit I'd been given was one I very much deserved. It made me think my own behaviour over and eventually, it also made me realise the reasons behind it as well. And it isn't just that little, pathetic theft I'm talking about."
"What else then?" she asked at last. "Your reaction to Arata? Or that – what did you call it? - ultimatum you gave me?"
"Both," Taichi replied. "Chihaya, back in primary school, you were my best friend, you know that much. I teased you and I tried you, and I bet there were moments you hated me for it – but even then, I couldn't imagine not having you close all the time. It just... felt wrong. Whenever you stayed home sick or left early because of some family issues, I always felt at a loss, though I certainly couldn't point out the reason so clearly as I can now. The point is, when Arata joined our class and you stood up for him, I felt threatened. You weren't even choosing sides then, quite the opposite. But I got scared anyway, and being the idiot I was, I acted on it."
"You were twelve. You can't expect a child like that to always act rationally."
"There's a difference between being irrational and purposely hurting people because of your anxieties. And trust me, I did want to hurt you. Probably more than I cared about upsetting Arata."
His words lingered in the air for a while before he added, "And then I lost to him anyway."
He was sure she would contradict him with another one of her agitated cries, and if not that, that she would at least turn away from him, abashed, embarrassed, guilty. It hadn't been his intention to pick on her or to make her uncomfortable with his final words – in fact, he wanted to take them back as soon as he'd pronounced them. They'd just slipped out, regardless of his will; no matter how much of an accident it was, however, no matter how much he regretted not being able to have stopped himself in time, it was too late to undo his mistake.
He could only hope that she wouldn't take it too much to heart.
However, when he looked at her again, he was met with a steady, teary gaze, her big bright eyes fixed on his face. Her face was no longer pressed to her knees; instead, it was raised again, with an expression of quiet disbelief painted all over it. She wasn't happy, that much he could tell... but she didn't seem annoyed. He couldn't quite tell what it was she was thinking of or what to expect from her next, except now he knew that she wouldn't run away, at least.
"That's not what happened, though," she whispered finally.
Now it was Taichi who wanted to run.
"Is that so?" he asked, his throat tightening all of a sudden. "How is it not?"
He knew it wasn't the right thing to say, not if he didn't want to upset her further, which he didn't. However, what he also knew was that the only way they would gain something from this conversation was to maintain perfectly, utterly honest, despite the discomfort – or heartbreak – such candour entailed. That meant more than just telling each other the truth, too; but to tell all of it, without holding back or pretending that certain topics were of no interest of them, while in fact they were more than crucial.
It wasn't the right thing to say – but it came from his heart and therefore was the one thing he should have said.
One he had to say.
"You'd chosen him long before you even realised that you needed to," he picked up before she could cut in with her answer. "Look... We spent so much time together these past two years – going to and back from school, practising for tournaments and playing in those, even studying together during our club hours. Sometimes it was just the two of us, sometimes the whole group. We worked, we fought, we had fun. I was having the time of my life, and frankly, more often than not I was ready to admit that it really were the best two years I'd ever had. Only..."
He trailed off and turned away, his hands moving from his hair to his face, now hidden in them. He could feel Chihaya's gaze burning his side but didn't dare to look back at her.
"Only no matter what we did, how engrossed we were in things, be it karuta matches or your birthday celebration, I could always feel Arata's shadow hanging over us," he explained. "On your birthday, he texted me to give you his wishes – but the truth is, he didn't even have to do that. As often as not it was enough to look at your face to see that something was missing – and since I knew how much he'd always meant to you, it wasn't difficult to figure out the rest.
"I know I was being petty, and jealous, and that I had no right to be," he added after a moment. "I let my own dreams take over me, in spite of knowing full well that I'd never really stood a chance against him. Never stood a chance with you. But I wanted to hope anyway; and it made me go crazy every time I was reminded of what my situation really was."
He fell silent then, and this time, he was determined not to make any further comments, no matter how many imploring looks Chihaya might give him. Instead, he decided to sit up straight again and raise his head to the sky, inhaling deeply as he waited for her to speak. His eyes remained closed at first; his hands now rested on both sides of his thighs, fingers curled around the edge of his seat but not really grasping it.
He kept this pose for a while, patient; then he opened his eyes and turned towards her again, a small, gentle smile tugging on his lips despite the hint of hurt and disappointment that he couldn't eradicate from his gaze.
That little smile was the best he could do for her.
He never would have thought that this tiny gesture, this most insignificant expression might cause the reaction that it did cause. He realised something was off as soon as their eyes met; and yet, even that hunch wasn't enough to prepare him for what was about to come next.
He saw a blurry gaze and a bitten lip; a trembling chin and eyes that begged for mercy.
He saw distress and guilt, and reproach, a quiet plea that somehow seemed like the loudest cry, ringing in his ears with a thousand decibels of what should have been a perfect silence.
And then...
Then he saw Chihaya burst into the ugliest sob he had ever seen.
And he had seen a lot.
in case you guys think i've given up on this story
i have not
it's just that i'm working on it out of order and slow okay
meanwhile on Our Sleeves
six sentence sunday | 17 january 2022
“What a cheapskate you are, President-sama.” “Well, you can think of something extra and then let me know. For now, find a way to bring Mashima to the party without neither him nor Ayase running away before we can even sing Happy Birthday to her.” Oh, damn. Now that hurt. It hurt like hell.
our sleeves were wet with tears, chapter 12
for the fic WIP guessing game: What about 'kiss' ? 👀
He edged away the tiniest bit, loosening his embrace gently. By the time Chihaya registered the change, Taichi's hands had already moved enough for him to catch her by the wrists; the protest seemed to have caught in her throat as she looked down on their hands, her face flushing with the faintest shade of pink.
She was so still so wonderfully unaccustomed to it, so adorable and entrancing in the abashment he could never truly foresee. So deliciously unpredictable in her reactions, going from bone-crushing hugs and kisses on his cheeks one moment to being perfectly flustered over a touch of his fingertips on the next.
So precious in her wish to be close to him and in how much she still struggled to demonstrate it sometimes.
Important announcement, everyone! 🥰🥰
This year's Taichihaya Day is the 28th July. The prompts are as follows:
University
Crossovers
Other Sports AU
As always, please tag #Taichihaya Day 2024 and tag the blog directly @taichihaya-day! Looking forwards to seeing your entries.
was rereading the qualifiers semifinals recently and this part where taichi thinks about suo's karuta and how he cherishes it by keeping it at arm's length, taichi tries the same thing with loving chihaya by letting her go, but unlike suo for whom the card vanishes, when taichi reaches out for the chiha card he whispers "don't disappear" and it made me ACHE.
“Don’t disappear.”
The Yoshino Tournament was so good, this match was so good 😫
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Chihayafuru Thoughts - Chihaya and Taichi in Ch. 140-247
This is the next part of this series. I ended up writing mostly from the perspective of Chihaya and how Taichi affects her character arc so I might eventually write another that's more from Taichi's side. There's also spoilers for the entire rest of the series like the title indicates.
After Taichi leaves the club, both he and Chihaya start on new parts of their character arcs. Both have to be independent in their own way; Taichi in finding (or at least identifying) his own reasons to play and enjoyment of karuta, and Chihaya in taking care of the club (after her temporary absence) without Taichi.
Chihaya ends up being afraid of karuta after Taichi leaves, as she tells Mr. Fukusaku after emotionally requesting time off from the club. Her being afraid of karuta is a physical manifestation of her recognizing how her near hyperfixation and passion may have negative consequences, even if that was never the intention. The guilt she feels over never realizing Taichi's feelings and hurting him is intense enough that she starts to see the cards as being completely blacked out, just as he described his own view of them. Ultimately I think this is for Chihaya's benefit because in many ways her goals have changed. She doesn't only want to become queen, she wants the club to continue and thrive after she graduates and has plans to become a teacher. Finding a fine line between passion and being able to effectively communicate with others is a necessary step for Chihaya and her goals, it just so happens the catalyst was a messy situation.
While she's on her break, she eventually goes to the Shiranami Society and after playing Dr. Harada, she vows to remember how "cold and heavy" the cards were and "how painful it all was". I think at this point it's apparent that Chihaya wants to grow in her ability to reach people. There's a couple instances toward the beginning of the series when the Mizusawa members tell her they're fine with her somewhat overbearing nature and airheadedness because those are just parts of her personality. However, now this seems to be something Chihaya herself wants to change, which again makes sense because her goals have expanded and changed. She wants to make sure that she is trying to learn and grow from the situation with Taichi. The placement of a conversation about her future with a teacher (a few chapters earlier) that includes Chihaya being questioned on if she understands how hard it can be to deal with others seems to foreshadow where her character arc will go after Taichi leaves (and also seems to rub salt in her wounds because it's right after he leaves).
At first, when Chihaya tries to lead and encourage the team, it doesn't go well because she doesn't really have the tools to effectively do it. She just wins quickly as per usual, and instead of improving the team's morale, it instead puts some pressure on them to live up to her skill level and makes her feel distant and isolated. After realizing this, she starts to mimic the way Taichi led them, using the very same words that once supported her and playing alongside them, "like Taichi would". I also believe part of the reason she does this is to make it feel like he's still being included; even though he quit, she and the rest of the members (the ones who knew him at least) believe he will always be a part of the team. I think this is why she essentially says that she'll wait as long as it takes for him to come back. She's accepted that he most likely won't play another match with them as a team, but they'll always be connected and she hopes that he'll return.
Retro plays Chihaya in the Mizusawa vs Hokuo match and tells her that she's cold because she "doesn't notice players below her". Despite him taking it back and saying her aiming for people who are 'strong but alone' isn't wrong, between his words and the words of the announcer talking about what makes a strong leader, it's clear that Chihaya agrees with the fact that she's "cold". She thinks of Taichi upon hearing the announcer's words and realizes that she didn't notice (or acknowledge enough) the qualities that he brought and how essential he was to the team's emotional strength. She thinks of him often in this part of the manga and seems to be noticing more and more the things that made Taichi, Taichi and how she often may have taken him for granted because he had simply always been there.
She continues to incorporate things that Taichi used to do when leading the team at nationals, telling Arata she "can feel his presence". When playing against Arata's team, she's so focused on her team that for most of the match she doesn't realize she's playing against Arata, the first time they've played since they were kids. She continues wearing Taichi's headband even after attributing her bad luck in the previous match to it, seeming to indicate she's emotionally supported by his presence and wants to include him. It's only when the dead 'Chiha' is read and she notices Taichi that her unbelievable concentration is broken and she realizes it's Arata she's playing. Taichi more or less lit up the room for her (sorry to be cheesy). After the match, Mizusawa members point out that it's the first time Chihaya immediately falls asleep after playing, as if Taichi simply there is enough for her to relax a bit.
Beyond the fact that she was able to support the team, another moment where I feel like is proof of Chihaya's growth is when she goes after Porky after he loses to Arata in the Class A matches. It's a small interaction, but nice to see. She doesn't say much at first and seems to wait to see if he even wants to talk, and after he starts getting down on himself, she makes sure he hears exactly what her thoughts on his contributions are. She no longer gets mesmerized by players like Arata and Shinobu to the point that she forgets about her teammates until someone gets or updates her. She is now able to be there for her team and uplift them, making sure she actually tells them about how she values them and the work they've put in together. I'd also argue that her going to "answer" Arata is also proof of her realizing that hearing anything in regards to how she feels is better than nothing, something she probably learned from her inability to properly communicate with Taichi.
After the high school tournament, Chihaya does an extensive cleaning of the club room before she retires and is joined by Taichi, his first time back to that room since resigning. This chapter in general is one of my favorites (Desktomu's lines about their time being a treasure he never expected to have always gets me) but this is the first chapter where Taichi and Chihaya's relationship is seen after everything went down. In the club room, there's some awkwardness and it's clear Chihaya isn't quite sure what to say, and Taichi seems to have been trying to say something before being interrupted by the band students. Whether it was an apology or a "don't worry about me" in regards to her being cautious because of his feelings toward her, or something else entirely we don't know, but it seems obvious their relationship may be different moving forward.
When they're at karaoke in the same chapter, Chihaya seems more conscious of Taichi. Her reaction to him genuinely having fun is sweet because I feel as though Chihaya may have been worried that she may never see that side of Taichi again (and another instance of him seeming to light up the room to her). Him helping clean and hanging out with the club members also seems to prove to Chihaya that he valued the time he spent with all of them, even if at one point they were a source of pain. The panels of Chihaya and Taichi back to back signify a couple things to me. They're facing opposite directions, a visual to show how their lives have taken them in different directions; they are no longer on the team together, practicing together, spending as much time together, etc. and yet they still support each other. Sudo even points out later that even though they're not how they once were, they were still inevitably connected to each other.
Chihaya also makes sure to thank Taichi after they watch the tv special and Taichi is able to articulate to Chihaya's mom why now is a good time for Chihaya to attempt becoming queen even though it causes friction with college entrance exams. Based on all the times she thought of Taichi after he left and her realizations of how much he did for her and the team, I feel as though her reiterating "Really, Taichi. Thank you." is more all-encompassing than just her gratitude for helping her mom understand.
After this, we finally get to the part where Taichi comes back to playing karuta outside of his practice with Suou. This excites Chihaya and she is conscious of him many times in both the qualifiers and his matches with Arata to become the challenger ("Chiha helped Taichi? I'm so glad.", "It's fine as long as Taichi can take cards.", "Taichi's eyes told me to not let anyone take the s-sound cards."). It reminds her of the time they played on a team and supported each other and how hard they worked together (she cries when she sees that Taichi wore his Mizusawa shirt when he became the eastern rep). When Taichi loses to Arata, Kana looks at Chihaya and notes she was crying "bitter tears". Some people interpret this as Chihaya hoping Taichi would defeat Arata, even if only subconsciously. While possible, I've always though of it as being specifically because Taichi lost. They've worked hard together over the years, she recently thought that she'd lost her connection to him, and now while she continues on the path to accomplish her dream, she has to leave him behind (at least for this year). It also connects to Harada's line that "the three will become one and two by the end of the day" and now that Chihaya sees that, she can't help but cry. Again, I'm not sure I see it as her secretly hoping Arata would lose, but realizing that Taichi won't be going further with them this year and that breaking her heart.
Once the challenger matches are decided, Taichi and Chihaya don't see each much face to face. The last time we're shown that they do before the queen matches is when they give Taichi a futon for a night. Kana asks Taichi about his feelings for Chihaya and his response is that they may gradually fade. Initially, it's not known whether or not she heard this, but we'll circle back to that. When Chihaya visits a shrine for New Year's, she thinks about what she should ask her friends in regard to preparation for the queen match. When she gets to Taichi, she's at a loss for words and/or we as the audience don't see what answer she comes to. I've seen people say she may have just wanted to ask him to come and support, which based on other events doesn't sound all that unlikely in my opinion. The biggest reason I say this is the scene when she sees Taichi under the Omi Jingu shrine, smiling and praying. He's not actually there, but it does seem like she really wants him to be there. Right after this she thinks of the club praying there in their first year, but it's worth noting she specifically saw only Taichi, smiling in a very similar way as when she told her to become the strongest in the world when she became the challenger (also remember how badly she wanted him to smile previously?).
At the queen match itself, there are many times when she feels Taichi's support, directly and indirectly. Unbeknownst to her, he helped Chitose get her bag to her and his conversation with her seems to be a factor in her watching the matches at the end. Arata also resorts to essentially acting as Taichi to help motivate Chihaya, which to me is an acknowledgement on Arata's part that while he saw her take her first card and played her at her highest concentration, he hasn't been the one directly supporting her all this time (but some may not like that interpretation lol). She also gets flustered upon hearing Taichi texted Arata only to rush back for her phone and feel disappointed she didn’t get one.
I also find it symbolic that Taichi is somehow attached to all three of her victories over Shinobu. Chihaya wins her first game with the 'Tare' card, one that she attaches to him because it was the poem being read in her headphones when Taichi found her in high school. The second win was taken after she realizes "Taichi has always been here", and fully acknowledges all the support she's felt from him, both in the time he directly supported her and the team as well as the indirect support in the lessons and pieces of advice he'd given her. The first time he walks in (during the fourth match), we see Chihaya remember Taichi's line to Kana about the possibility of his feelings eventually fading. This has always intrigued me (at first I didn't even know she'd heard that) because it seems to bother her or make her anxious, meaning she may subconsciously not want them to fade; she seems to be figuring out her own feelings. Afterward, she recalls the vision of him at the shrine, as if him now being there in person answered her own prayer.
The third win is taken when the 'Tachi' card, Taichi's namesake card, is read. She specifically kept this card and once again very noticeably acknowledges his presence when he comes to watch (like I said, he seems to light up the room). After she wins and wakes up, she immediately notices his absence and celebrates after hearing that he's going to continue playing, with his eyes set on becoming Meijin.
Finally, on their graduation day, she once again becomes a bit anxious after hearing that Taichi's plans for college are different that she assumed. When Desktomu uses the phrase "you're just his friend", she seems bothered and has a moment of realization that reminds me of the moment she truly realized Taichi loved her (the panel is from the extra pages in the final volume I believe, placed with flashbacks from throughout the series). Several moments come to her mind, as if asking herself why she wanted him to smile so desperately, why she felt so comforted and supported by his presence, and why she wanted him to be there so bad that she had a vision of him under such a symbolic place. It's then that she seems to fully comprehend that she would in fact interpret her feelings toward him as being romantic (the distorted effect over her in the panel is what reminds me of the moment from Taichi’s confession), and realizes she wants to tell him that. When she talks to him and is assured that they'll see each other again as long as they keep playing, Chihaya's reaction seems to say "that isn't enough anymore". Chihaya's confession is really well done in my opinion, and it uses parts of her character growth well; she's making sure her thoughts and feelings are conveyed properly (in this case even more so considering she heard Taichi say that his feelings may gradually fade).
Another long one and I feel like I didn't even say all I planned to, but thanks for reading if you got to the end!
chihayafuru sketches from twitter.
Announcing the prompts for Taichihaya Week 2023! Looking forwards to seeing all your contributions between 31st July and 6th August.
I pined for you
Chihayafuru chapter 246 anniversary
CHIHAYAFURU (2007-2022) by suetsugu yuki