Tw Parental Issues - Tumblr Posts
!TW!: mentions of chronic illness, gender dysphoria, depression, suicidal thoughts
I've been battling with awful thoughts this year, being diagnosed with a chronic illness isnt good in any kind of way. I feel how my entire body burns every day, i get to feel my heart clench in my chest for hours and there is no solution to it i just have to live with it and with that thoughts of just fucking dying are my only source of comfort next to my 24 hour playlists to which i listen while self loathing. I don't even know what my name is and i hate my boobs and i don't want to have my period every month. I wish i knew at least one trans person irl so i can cling tightly to them so i can find some kind of peace for my never ending grief. Since i was fucking born I've felt like my body shouldn't have existed, it's as if it was a failed version yet i was the unlucky motherfucker to end up in it. I barely even sleep at night, i hate how I'm so fucking useless that i can't even bring myself to get up from bed, I'm a weight on everyone's shoulder. I worry my friends that i might die and my parents think I'm a manipulative asshole, they say they love me but i haven't felt loved in so fucking long that it even feels wrong when someone other than my family says they love me. I need real help but my fucking therapist died and all the other psychiatrists and therapists i see are fucking useless because i lie to them and they dont realise it. It's so frustrating knowing I'll never be painless even if i do everything right and the worst thing is that i have to put up with idiotic schoolwork because im still a fucking minor. I wish i could just fucking close my burning eyelids and wake up somewhere else, somewhere peaceful without my parents screaming at me when they know i can't talk because my throat closes itself. I want to tell this to my friend but i don't want to bother her with all of my feelings because she has enough fucking problems and i don't want to be another one on that list. It's just been an awful year, please if you could just give me name ideas so i at least feel alright with one thing in my life I'd really appreciate it. I'd like something that sounds like Noah or Mason but still femenine like Vera i just dont know what to do.