Tw Sleep Deprivation - Tumblr Posts

Imma be dead honest. Idk if I'm in a system. Straight up. Let me explain why it's hard to tell.

Well when I was younger I had constant nightmares, specifically sleep paralysis, with a shadow man with a mask on... I was scared to sleep. So I tried to stop sleeping. By the 3 day, my 9 year old brain was paranoid and hallucinations of the man. I finally couldn't take it and started panicking....

Mind you I was at my dad's so he didn't notice. (drunken bitch)

But eventually I just gave out....

It started with the dreams, then drawings of the man, then writing..

And I'm not sure if my brains done something.

Or I made him up to cope.

Or if I'm just insane.... but he's here. In my head.

But he's there.

I call it DID(no idea if thats true), or more commonly a system....because I'm not sure what it is.. it's really a case by case situation. So no I don't know. But he's real.

You can't know. You can't tell I'm not ok. So judging based on cases and "facts" is....frankly stupid. We don't know enough about it to know what to look for. So yah I'm undiagnosed....because it's hard to tell.

But this is me. And I'm here to stay.

(Note I'm genuinely looking for a respectful conversation.) May I ask, why do you support Endo systems? The whole concept of being a system, (specifically talking about DID/OSDD) is it's a trauma response. And Endos, most of them are systems that don't remember their trauma, yes. But also, a lot of them have another disorder, and refuse to look into that, and claim to be a system.

I support endogenic systems because mental conditions are never that simple, there is never one sole cause for anything in the human mind. The human brain is a very strange and unpredictable thing, so I believe that to assert that “natural plurality is impossible” is unrealistic. There has actually been documentation of naturally occurring plurality for a good while now, but systems as a whole are incredibly under-researched so of course not much has gotten out.

The human brain can do a lot of weird and crazy things and diverge in strange ways, so I believe that splitting and forming headmates on its own is in no way outside of the realm of possibility. There is no benefit to excluding or devaluing endo systems either, it’s literally just fake-claiming with extra steps. And, istg, how do you know they have a different disorder? How do you know they haven’t done research into that? How do YOU know better than someone else about their OWN BRAIN? It’s just so ridiculously entitled to assert such. And to claim that we know something as definitive as what can and cannot cause a very specific and under-researched type of condition is one of the most blatant displays of human hubris I’ve ever seen. Most endo systems do tons of research, it’s just like self-diagnosed individuals, most of them go through a lot of research and reflection and self-discovery to come to their own conclusions.

I don’t believe being a system is a choice, never in a million years would I claim that, and there are definitely fakers out there going under the guise of being endogenic, and I definitely believe that spaces for traumagenic systems specifically are important, but none of that means that endo systems don’t exist. Anti-endo rhetoric is largely reactionary and cruel, and like fake-claiming, does way more harm for the disabled / disordered / neurodivergent community than good.

If you say you’re a system, I believe you. I support you. And I’m here for you. Trying to deny and invalidate other’s experiences just because they don’t match your own or the status quo isn’t right.

Tw: sleep paralysis, phantom pain, sleep deprivation

I'm gonna claw my brain out. The stupid sleep paralysis and the dreams of being stuck in tar...along with the phantom feeling of having a corpse in me...I'm fucking losing it.

Wtf is wrong with me? I want to sleep...but I'm terrified of the nightmare that waits.