Unfaithful - Tumblr Posts

LOST...

I don't know what to do with myself, I don't do anything, I hate leaving my bedroom, talking to people. I just want to be alone and maybe, runaway. Does it get any better, any easier? What do I do? How come God has not answer a single one of my prayers for help, or love, or happiness. 

claire

I've met a lot of girls who weren't kind to themselves or others for whatever reason, I never tried to diagnose them  But there was one girl I got lost in her methodical behavior with seemingly no way out the worst of it is that I didn't want one This girl claimed me the night she kissed me while my wife was getting ready for bed and I didn't resist, I didn't want to. I knew from the beginning that she took what she wanted no matter the circumstances were. It was thrilling to be what she wanted to take and I was powerless to her allure from that night on. She made it clear that she would see me when she could I didn't mind carrying on at her convenience. She kept me close but made sure to keep a distance at the same time. She was training me so to speak and what made me a willing student I can't explain all these years later. Something about her made me desperate but she made it clear she was not interested in being anyone's anything. She never acknowledged our pseudo relationship as an affair. She made it clear she could take or leave me but I waited by the phone anyway. I was enamored with someone who wanted to make sure I knew I was expendable if she chose so but she always threw a rope to draw me in when she decided I would be the entertainment she wanted and to keep me wrapped up in her little games. I remember feeling grateful for time she gave me like a willing hostage uninterested in freedom. She knew how to keep me walking in the direction she chose was best for her and I never protested. When I finally told her how I felt about her she told me I was too much for her to handle and not worth any risks she'd have to take being together. She had no emotion in her voice and was very matter of fact. I had a moment of clarity and knew that my use for her had come to an end. I realized I was just something to pass the time.  I allowed myself to be what she wanted and lost sight of who I was before. I wasn't angry, I wasn't sad, but I was impressed to come to the understanding that I had been the victim of a narcissist. I drove away with all the dignity I could muster and began to think of where to begin forgiving myself for what I allowed myself to become. I realized I'd have to remember who I was before her and start there. She took what she could but the farther I got from her the more I realized she didn't take what made me who I was. I never spoke to her again.  Her words would do nothing but serve a purpose that benefitted her in one way or another. I'll forgive her for being sick but I won't forget losing myself in the sickness. When I stopped trying to make sense of everything was when I healed.  Holding onto the secret is the penance I pay but I will shoulder the burden so I never forget the hijacking of my being.