Venting About Work - Tumblr Posts
Spilling Secrets
To care! Or! Not! to care!!!!!
At the risk of getting in trouble or even just doing something to be seen. I shall express with you some of my feelings. They may be stupid.. Dark, Valid and even like Why!? yes I can quantify (why ) as a feeling.
I'm on my 2nd deployment in Africa this time with some people I never even met before this experience. It's not a bad one. But! it's not a great one either. In all real honestly I have nothing to complain about. One of the perks about being a social outlier is that you have a lot of alone time and people don’t bother to look for you unless you have a specific job and they need you to perform said job.
Here! in Africa near the horn! Im here to perform my duties as a cook. But! since i'm overseas they have me as a defac (dining facility) manager. So I graciously over see the food that comes in and where it goes and how it gets consumed. When I first arrived here in Africa, I was bright eyed and bushy tailed. Thrilled to be in the mother land. Although coming here I knew it would be all business and no play. and Yes! It has been all business with no fucking PLAY!
I have reached my 3rd month technically. And I'm not too sure how I can go about this experience any longer. People pass comments, or avoid eye contact with me. Talk at me and not to me. And I'm expected to just GO! With it. It's so fucking annoying and petty. That as an adult when you explain this situation to another adult. And you (HEAR) yourself explain what you feel and what you’re going through, you sound insecure, childish and non adult.
Which frustrates me because all I do is feel as if i'm supposed to be the bigger person. Supposed to walk away or shut up, while nothing happens to them! And this, this is a feeling I have been feeling all my life.
These feelings come from a place of not being properly seen or even appreciated! this makes me think about the scene on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, where Xander Harris is flipping over tables in the lunch room because he had seen the lunch lady put rat poison in the food, the students were eating. Then out of no where. Buffy comes in and stops her from butchering Xander. however the only thing the lunch lady can say for herself is "Verman " To me even before becoming a cook or an adult and working in the hospitality industry. I felt how that actress delivered her lines. As if she too had been over looked somewhere in her life. Where she just wanted good company and wanted people to appreciate what services she provides. I'm not saying i'm crazy or that I'll ever do that. I would just quit!!!
As a cook, appreciation to me looks like. Not giving me a hard time when I fuck up! Helping me out when I slow down. Making some small talk with me about something I did for you when I didn’t have to. My biggest one, is, even if you don’t like some thing I did or do, politely address it and don’t cause a scene. Every now and then please understand that there's a lot of things that go into making sure that your one plate of food, you experience. Reaches a standard and a level that suites everyone. Not just you!
One of the biggest things people complain about to me here is that I'm always doing something fancy!.........Fancy? They throw out mediocre ideas as if they are appealing to me or to the whole group. like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or something else. Like hotdogs. Just! hotdogs. We have a mixed group of people. Which I have to say! Yes! Thank you! Yemaya! Ochun! ha ha ha!!!! Because it's one thing to be the only GAY in the group to but! To be the only person who is not white! Good Goddess! That is something like no other!
But! for the most part, people here, the majority are white. So! that can explain why some of the food ideas are very simple. Like the other day someone asked me to not make anymore curry for a whole week. I just stared at them and glared in "Gay disapproval" it's probably not a thing. but! I'ma make it so!
One of the things I have to fight myself with while being here is my worth. As a city guy I would watch these tv shows about how the outlier felt alone and why thy didn’t just shake things up and how they wanted to kill themselves because they are locked in to a sub culture that did not value, appreciate or covet them. The same way the others are! I too have been feeling this way. I mean i'm not going to create a whole 13 reasons why about how grown men ignore me and subconsciously bully me. But! it has crossed my mind. I often find refuge in the space I sleep. I do my watercolor paintings and try my best to keep to myself. I am aware that I don’t think like everyone else. I actually came across something that I resinate with. It's called being Nuro-Divergent. From what I read about it. I vibe with it and it explains my whole life. I bring up not thinking like others because at time when in conversation. I just don’t fit into hetro-normative concepts. I either over or under deliver. if you clicked on the links I have provided, for me they are not the best! examples. I do take issues with some of there perspectives. but the overall point is there.
So there must be one question answered because some of you who are reading this must be asking this. If not! then! I asked this of myself as well... "Why did you become a soldier!?" and the quick simple answer is! Well...... I want them to pay for my medical education.
Even that I'm starting to reconsider. Is this the life I want to live. A life thats very similar to how I'm living now. Do I still want to be a soldier? should I be an airmen? Just so many things crossing my mind. But! back on to this whole 13 reasons why type thing. No! I do not want to un-alive myself. And No! I have not tried. I whole heartedly think its the malaria a pills they gave me. There are many side effects. I can say that this one started around the time of me taking them. So I stopped. But the medic bitched at me so I started taking them again. And to tell the army somethings is a really bad idea. It can get you sent home so I rather deal with them on my own. I really do believe I can’t trust anyone. And no one cares.
Okay, ok, ok, sooooooo the whole secret spilling was not jaw dropping as I intended it to be. However! It felt great to get it out! I'm starting to feel very sleepy and it’s 03:22 here. and I have to be up in 1 hour for work! (gay sigh!) why me! until next time my sunshines.