Dear Diary - Tumblr Posts

A little goes a long way!

I woke up today at 3:00am.... it was relatively dark. I usually wake up at 5 to do some ill attempt at working out. But! when I woke up today. My body knew it was too early. In my large queen size bed. Half dressed in clothes I dare not put away because well. I 'm a mess. When I need to look do things its hard to find them because they are folded and I cannot Identify what's what! I turn over from facing my wall. To the large pile of clothes that literally take up half of my bed.

In the pile, I sift through the close to find my phone and Wa La. I find my phone and the time of 03:00. From here, I turn back over to face the wall and recover myself with my blanket that's half swallowed by my clothes. The room is cold. And my body is starting to be alert as if I'm awake now. Annoyed at the fact my body is waking up. So does my consciousness. Drifting from the silent space of empty thought. In to this warm aware and loud sounding space in my head.

I turn from the wall on to my back and glare up at the ceiling. Bored already. Time is beginning to move. I don't want to get up. I not want to move my body and force this fat that's been keeping me warm to leave. My natural winter coat. Keeping still, I lay there. lightly thinking of what exercises I should do. This is a morning of many. Bored with this routine, I glare away from the ceiling to my phone and scroll the ticktock. Bored even further with the usuals of what's my (for you) page until I come across. The show "What would you do?"

I like this show because it is a light form of social experiments. Putting people in predicaments to see if they will or will not step up in a time of need. So I watched a few clips and then drift over to YouTube from ticktock. Because the episodes are much longer on YouTubes platform. There I watch some interesting ones. And ones that are a lot more serious. I think I watched five. In this time I have wasted my sleep time watching videos. Now! I'm even more annoyed with myself. I should have just went back to sleep. It's 06:00 and Now I'm up writing. lol

But! one of the videos struck a cord for this entry. The spoiled child! the last video was about a parent who was on a budget of $100.00 and a child who was rude and mean to his mom. He wanted the $200.00 sneakers and she could only afford the $100.00 sneakers. the scene begins where they walk into he store and he's a head of her. She kindly and politely reminds him of there budget a he starts to call her stupid and yell at her. Then he tries to get people on his side. But! Of course the other adults, sided with the mom. And also tries to reason with the 13 year old boy.

Then, this has me thinking about my own experiences. With my mother. Where, one, she would have literally slapped me. And also embarrassed me too for speaking to her like that. And two, she would have gotten a pair of shoes for me without me knowing. I would have been told I have a new pair. That would have been that. Event though my mother took us clothes shopping it was always, stand here and hold that. Or! I would look very annoyed and wait for her to shut the hell up because she decided to have this long drawn out conversation with who'm ever she met that day. About me and how fast I was growing. And how expensive I was becoming for her. HUmmm It's not like I gave birth to myself.

Many times I have heard my mother talk bout how she provided for me and my brother in a way that was triggering for her! (My words not hers) Meaning. She got us all the things that she never had. We did all the things that she was not able to do when SHE was young. so! This has me thinking! About the scenario on "What would you do?" If this was real. Are people projecting on to their children, the way my mother was to me? And if so! Is this the behavior that has come from it? And! Is it the Childs fault? Behaving this way, when in fact. The child is not having their own unique experience. But a parallel reality to their parents. To me this is not a real reality. Parents living through there children are not giving their children what it is the actual child needs. To me its a double edge sword. Can we say that this is emotional vampirism. I give you what you need but I give it to you in the way that feeds me from you?

All this thinking so early in the morning. lol So then, I started to think about another time that I've come across this. My house guest was having an issue with for all intended purposes his stepfather. My house guest's mother and her man are common law married. They have been together for 10 plus years. I believe in the state of New York that is Common law. There have been many ups and many downs. Sided with a plethora of arguments of thee most mundane. At least I thought they were silly until I stopped riding my high horse. Down I came with a lent ear. I wanted to know why they argued all the time.

My house guest was much younger than he is now. When this specific situation occurred. And his response was that there's no space. Which I do agree. It maybe a 3 bedroom apartment but there's more than four people living there. Space was defiantly an Issue. The other reason given was that! there was nothing for him to do! You can imagine my surprise when I heard that response. Nothing? there's nothing you could do!? He says no! So I asked. You need to go further in explanation. How could there be noting for you to do? There's outside. There's the internet. And he just me off and says that he's not allowed to go outside. He's not allowed to be on the internet at a certain time. I gasped for air. I Was lost and confused as to why would you not be allowed to go outside or be on the internet.

To. me I thought he was being dramatic. So I go to his stepfather and asked what's wrong. I know it was none of my business. From time to time we all need to talk about what it is that others us. I'm in my 30's and well my generation is the bridge I like to think that has just begun to say it is okay to have feelings and express them too. The stepfather is pushing 60 I think. I know that he is in his mid to late 50's. In his. time men were raised to be emotionless. Not that they could not show emotion. It was that they could not show one's that made people think less of them.

I understood that I had to walk on egg shells. That this person has a strong history of feeling emotionally attacked. with all this being said it took me a few hours to pierce his wall and let him know that he was in a safe space with me. That what ever was said would be safe. Not shared and not made fun of. Listening is just not, If not, more effective for people's spirit than actually talking. Listening with out interjection. Listing without faces and judgment can really bring life back in to a place that was bare and raw. I eventually had to ask him questions when he started to slow down in his expressions. What had come from this was that his father was never home. His father never cared what he did or did not do. He didn't feel protected. Valued or cared for. So inches way this was how she was showing it to my house guest. But! I tried to explain to him. That what he's expressing to my guest was not his issue. What he is seeing with you is a man who won't let him do anything. A man who's hard on him. and for what?

I love listening to people speak. Because in that second of me telling him what he said. Playing it back of him. Word for word. Slowly. He then realized. How his step son felt. How his feelings were being projected on to my house guest and that he also does that in other areas of his life. Has he changed? A bit! He's much older now! From when this situation happened. Because he is a man who has been taken and manipulated by the system and fell into it's traps. He still has a long way to go. Before he is fully different. But! what is important is that he is man who cares for his children and stayed. I can not believe I've gotten all this from laying down in bed, being bored.

Dear Diary #5

On a much lighter note. I have to say that I love myself, even more than I thought I could ever could. I was at work. Rushing to the bathroom because well I have been hydrating like theres no other. Being in the service. I have to say fitness is key and well I have been slacking. And now I'm getting bak on tract. So It have been drinking. A shit ton of water every day. Well, I look too dame good..

I've always been relatively thin! Hungry looking, as I jokingly say now a days. So I'll just SSAYY... with quotations "Thin." Because now! I'm not, but I use to be. At 24 I use to be 150 pounds. Currently I'm close to 260. I find that to be some what of an achievement because I never thought I was going to make it. Make it as in, alive.

I was on Columbia University campus. In the religious hall. Where one of the professors have taken a kindness to me. He began to mentor me. In the beginning stages of him mentoring me. He kept asking me critical thinking questions. At that time, I have never, ever been more annoyed with someone in my entire life.

The question was. "How do you see yourself living in a few years?"

To be honest, I did't know how to answer him. From the age of 16 - 24 I have to say I was literally left. In the wild I go, to figure out life. Drifting back and forth between NJ and New York. Trying to find my footing. Only too later on find a guy I though I could have spent the rest of my life with. Albiet that's a story for another time. My mentor's other question was! "What do you see yourself doing in the next few years?" This question was very challenging for me. Because I had absolutely no clue as how to effetely answer him.

Then he became more and more specific..... After seeing the lack of light in my eyes. He said out loud. "Do you even see yourself living"? Without hesitation I said "No!" When I answered. I was speaking metaphorically and maybe, just maybe, literally. I never thought about the value of my life. Because I was left to wonder the world or city streets of Manhattan.

It's moments like this that I like to reflect on because I am better than I was all those years ago. I have a stronger sense of self worth and a better sense of awareness in myself. And how I'm going to achieve what I'm going to achieve. I'm happier and heavier than I have been in a very long time. I'm no longer hungry and broke. I'ma chunky monkey that's stable. If I could I would love, love, love to say thank you to all the men who took the time to say what they had to say to me. To make me aware of what I was and was not doing. These were amazing and beautiful Black men.

On all of my moments of refection. I have to say that This, that moment was when I woke up. That I had something going on with me. With me Being a follower of Baccus in his non roman form. And quite literally being next to a statue of a Satyr. NO! Dionysus is not a satyr. It would correctly be closer to Pan. But! this statue gave me more of a Dionysus vibe at that time in my life. Quick tangent. I like him because I relate to how beautiful his spoken about in the stories. and how he was loved. How he lived in freedom. To me! How could I not want to be around an energy that gave that level of carelessness. Now a days. I'm a lot more of an Orisha man. But! I do love my Greco-Romans.

I'm not to sure how many people can say they can point out the moment where there life have taken a turn for the better. But to me I believe that that day in those moments. In that hour, of being questioned. I realized there's a lot more to life than existing.

Thank you Tumbler Diary for reading my words and taking my thoughts into your head.

Silly, Billy, Boy

Dear Tumblr Diary #6

After coming home from my first deployment, I was fortunate enough to go back to work on a military duties (Covid missions). For two yearsI was financially okay. I was able to make full payments on any and all my bills. I speak on this because it’s a little rough out here right now. I’m doing things I don’t care to to do. Only because it pays the bills. And the process of finding work is daunting, even draining!I would like to develop other skills out here. However, they take too much of your soul. Just to get in to the course.

Speaking of souls, I found out yesterday on Saint Patrick's that one was called home. Although I enjoy helping people and caring for them. I do not wish to be a HHA anymore. It's convenient but not suitable for me anymore. This would make the second or third death that I had to deal with or at least know about. Back in 2019 I cared for a man who was really sweet. In this line of work. Being a caretaker, you get to know people very personally. He was a man in his late 80's pushing his 90's. He was a souther black man. Although to me he look Indigenous. He had a hydrated caramel complexion. Bald head and a twang in his speak. He was also a man of streets. Well sorta. He was a hustler. In the time that I had known him, he would lend out money to people and shake them down. It was kind of cute to see him do this. Because he was no joke.

Even though he was strong in personality he was kind in other aspects. As I am an obvious homosexual, he was nice to me and like the way I mad my eggs. lol I knew that my culinary background would come in handy when I became a HHA, because I learned that the elderly can't cook or not able to cook for themselves as often as they use too. In training I was informed that there are times the elderly would eat cat food because of the affordability. And because they were on a fixed income. It's kind f scary to think that if you do not set yourself up for success or have children or even maintain relationships. No one will be there for you in the end.

My patient at the time lived in a facility where the elderly live. Albiet this one was much nicer and! It was his apartment. He was still lonely and a by himself. I think that's why he would behave the way he did. hustle, lone money out to people and shake the down when they didn't give it back. I tell you there's some thing cute when they still think they have it!

Besides him being a shaker downer and a sweet guy. He also came with a past like most people do. One time he became upset with me because he knew that I was becoming distant with him. He Eventually asked me why! I had to be honest with him and let him know that I was leaving and not for the reason that he thought. I told him that I was deploying in a couple of months and that I had a lot of training to do. And the the company also took me off the case because they need me to do something that should have been done months prior and penalized me for not doing it. In this time he received another aid and she was not like me at all. Too focused on her phone and not too focused on him. She did not speak, when she came in. Did not clean or cook. He begged me to come back and I could not. Thats when my heart broke.

When I take on a case, I remind myself, this has nothing to do with me and everything about the person I’m caring for. I remind myself, how I would like to be treated. How I would you like for someone to treat grandma. I try to display love them, as you would love my own. With these thoughts and feelings I strive to be the best. Despite how people perceive home health aids.

One of my most rememberable moments with my patient was when he addressed my homosexuality. He stated that he knew. And that he was comfortable, comfortable enough to share on his own experiences. How when he was in jail he would have relations with other men and how in that environment it was normal. He also, in a way stated that he loved me. Which I had to raise an eye brow at. I did not know how to take it. He stated that he was attracted to me and that he could now understand how two men could be involve and have a lasting love. I mean in this situation and in his experience with men and women. I being the care taker. To him I must have been perceived as a women. In his era, the roles I’m in, his social reality would have been a woman's role or job.

With this perspective. My perceived red flags, lowered from a red. Down to an amber orange. Steadying at a canary yellow in to a lime green. I didn't have to worry about, me being turnt around, cooking. All to then being sexually assaulted by him, being groped making breakfast eggs. That I have to say he was always pleasant to be around. It just saddens me that he passed away from covid in may of 2020. I should have reached out and called him.

But! Because I’m no longer with that company there was a clause for us not to reach out to patients when you depart. I didn't want to get sued so I stayed to my self. Only recently did I dare venture out and ask if he was okay and found this information. In a way I have to say that I think I failed him. I think I left him in the hands of people who could have done better for him. These agents only care about there money. I can sit here and say a Cliché line. Such as he’s in a better place. As far as I know his spirit is still in that tiny studio apartment and in happy. What I have learned from this situation is never things you have more time than you do. Because the clock is always clicking. Always moving.If not for you! It’s always clicking for someone else.

When you get the chance, say hello. Tell people you miss them and that they’re on your mind. Tell them, that you even hate them. Just to get the conversation started. But! Try your best to never let a day go by where people who invoke a feeling don’t know how they make you feel.

OH!! how the Siren calls.

Lately I have been taking more in to account of how I behave. I see how people respond to me. I can say this is a good and bad thing. I'm usually on the extreme ends of the pendulum. Ether too good or not good enough.

This falls in the relm of me advising people. Being the Reader that I am. I have to choose very carefully how I say things, when I need to advise people. Because they actually do listen to me. One of the people I'm talking about is my dearest sister witch! The Enchantress. The Enchantress and I have been friends for a while. We first met in Harlem. When I starting to phase out of 20's in to my more mature adult phase of my life. She and I, like in the movies met at a coffee house. Sparked conversations over how I was feeling that day. Having felt stuck at a job that did not appreciate me. I could not quit because at that time I was just finishing up my associates. It would have been more challenging to quit while I was focused on my school work.

I nicked named her the Enchantress, because all who meet her are so spell bound by her beauty and her softness. It's something you just have to experience. Words cannot justify the feeling you get when being around her. How as an individual, she radiates more than a group of 10 people. It's just a delight to be around her. I can say I lost my breath by her friendship by how she's influenced my life. To give a better understanding of what she''s about. She's a young woman in her early 30's late 20's that has a career in construction as a safety coordinator. Among the city of New York, she walks all through the city. Strutting her petite curves and her sister locks. Enchanting all who lay eyes on her.

The Enchantress is what I like to call a desire. A love witch. SHE does glamours and love spells. Not that she needs to. But! these are the areas of expertise. It's just what she like to work with. Me! I like to know shit before hand. I don't like to know things last min. You know, things will fall apart and others will make you look like a joke!

When Muggles can tell. That you're different from them, they'll treat you bad. And that's been the case for me. Like Sofia said in the color purple. " All my life I had to fight." " A fem child is not safe in a house full of mens" I mean hey I paraphrased the last part. But! it still holds weight. I'm writing about her because I would like for you all to know of her before. I tell you things about what I experience with her. that also effect me too. This is a story that needs to be told.

.................To be continued!!

Was it really worth it?

Dear Tumblr Diary

Was it really worth it? I have to say that yes! I know everyone and their mothers are talking about the slap that was seen around the world. Being that I’m more of a will smith fan. Than I am of Jada pinker and or Chris Rock. I have to say this to me, was seen a long time ago. Not Will Smith going up on stage SLAPPING the living shit out of Chris Rock. But! Will Smith standing up for himself as a person. I say person rather than man. Because in my eye’s your gender, sex (Identity) in that aspect has nothing to do with standing your ground and demanding your respect. Over the years I have seen how many people, celebrities or those who frequent them. Try and emasculate him, provoke him or taunt in one way or another. I’m not a person who’s big on pop culture or whats in the happening now. As an outlier, when things are big. Big enough to catch my attention. I give it!

Over the years, This red table from his wife, daughter and mother in law has come up. And other aspects of there lives have come into the public eye. Which in a patriarchal society, has made will smith seem like too much of a passive guy. "Seem" being the operative word here! I’ve always liked will smith because of his down to earth humor and relatability. I too, am his completion. And goofy like him too. I guess like most fans I have attached aspects of my identity to him and his success. I think thats why most people go really hard for there Idol. Or a celebrity that makes them feel.

I too know the ways of suffering in silence. I know how it feels to bite your tongue. And keep a pretty smilie face on for optics. It has to be hard for him in ways that we could and or only imagine. I do not have children and nor am I married to a woman who’s free to spill the beans about our personal matters. Now! Small disclaimer! (I don’t know shit about there personal lives) He for all intensive purposes can be just as guilty as her with having entanglements. BUt! The reason for this post is to share why I agree wit this, "SLAPPING" of the rock. The Chris rock, you see from other sources and even from both of their statements on social media they have Identified each other as friends. But! Would a friend constantly poke fun of you. Especially with a room full of people he could have chosen to poke fun at.

Almost every time I have seen Will smith in the media before this incident, It was deeply heart felt. When listing to him, either podcasters talk about him or when on YouTube videos of his being shown. It seemed to me there was always more behind that mans eyes. I believe, he felt that he could not choose wisely. I may be wrong. Fuck I am wrong because with everyone getting a divorce. He could HAVE left her! Or her leave him!? But they choose to stay together.

Was the joke a really bad joke no! But! When sources on TV and other social media outlets confirm that Jada has a medical condition. It makes it all the worse. Will smith on hot97 and other platforms is always in someone’s mouth. And who knows what was said between the couple about her condition. NOt!!!!! to mention as a gay man! My hair is everything to me. I like how it’s an extension of myself expression and Identity. So I can totally see this being that for any women. Especially a celebrity. I share in her pain in knowing that something thats out of her control is happening to her body. How she has to change her thoughts. Not to mention, her self perception is going to be a real eye opener for her.

She has brought up time before that she & Tupac have been in love. She to me has not gotten over that. Has not moved on or even properly grieved his death. I again can relate to wanting to love someone and it being snatched from you. Taken with out notice. Only to deal with the remains. It’s nothing you can do but! Deal!

Maybe these scenarios, are what we’re running in the thoughts of Will Smith. How he’s always shrugging things off. Letting things go. Being passive about the amount of disrespect that thrown him. There’s always the straw that breaks the camel’s back. And talking about backs. The way the internet has show support! I have to say is funny, But! Fucked up. I myself had to take a MOMENT and realize I too play in to his man’s mental help.

This persons feelings are being disregarded! When people are constantly checking him about how he should behave and not how it’s ok to be. To just be. He’s a mentor, father, probably someone’s brother or cousin. He’s a husband. All titles, many people on this planet can relate to. Was rock wrong? I’m still indifferent about it because the statement says He did not know. And being that they are celebrities. He has his brand to run. And they have their own to run as well. As the women around always say “ MInd the business that pays you” and well, In Chris rocks case, It didn’t pay that well on stage. But!!!!! I have to say that he did handle that very well. Even when Will smith kept it going from his seat! He kept his composure.

I’m from the hood. So! For me one smack ain’t gonna kill no body. It night get you knocked out. But, It ain’t gonna kill no one. I

Open or close casket

How much of yourself is supposed to be given in the name of love? What are the rules for living independently, dependently? Can I breath with my own permission? Am I allowed to feel what I want without you!?

At what point, is affection and consideration, gestures willingly done without force?

People say being single is terrible. I say being single is a book that needs to be written. Single people witness couples people go through there ups and downs. Single people believe it or not! Know most of your intimate Intricacies as well your inadequacies too. All in the name of being heard. I listen!

Relationships are conventionally thought to be two people who admires so much that they rather be together than a part. In today’s world it’s almost always how hard can you make me cum. How much can you give me for this pleasure? Well if you don’t know. Im single who’s ready to mingle. But! Many of my close friends are not. One in particular is the Enchantress. A woman so beautiful, she is said to make even the most of (homo) reconsider if he is.

You see, she’s been in a relationship with this man for two going on three years now. A relationship that was budding like the spring equinox were in. Often I’d see her rushing into a cab leaving us behind. While we were in a group setting. Usually I would consider this being rude. But! I too know the bee sting of love. Her man is a doctor who originally from South America. But! Was raised here in the states. My friend has a taste for the luxurious things in life. She chooses to be with a man who has what it takes. Than a man she’s have to build up and be drained from. And No! She has her own. And yes! She does identify, occasionally, as a gold digger.

The way she puts it, is that men. No matter where, on the planet choose to be with a naturally bountiful woman. A woman who can and does understand his emotional, physical and spiritual needs. So why not be with a man who can make this bond, a enjoyable one. Never having to worry about the price on a tag. Or the amount on a dinner bill. To focus on what she’s naturally capable of doing. Giving birth and tending to their children.

I had a hard time, honestly; viewing her perspective at first. Until I first hand had seen what women go through in romantic settings. How they are expected to always give up or tend to more than their partners. This too can be implied to feminine gay men, who are the submitters in there relationship. You see, to me submission is an act of great trust. It is one of the most valuable things any person can give to one another. Now! For the sake of this post. I’ll do my best to stay on topic. However. Straight men or other identifying people can submit to their wives and partners too. It’s a bond. Which is why people kill for love. In the case of the enchantress, I have seen her do this over and over. To the point that I don't understand why she gives him so much privilege. Time after time I see how each time he chips away from her. Little by little there's parts of her light that grows dimmer and dimmer. I wonder How thins will turn out in the end.

At the end of the day all we or me, can do is help her see what's happening. After all, to many people, love is blind.

The desire of the heart is what makes her so vulnerable to his actions. She's not unaware of how things are for her. She see's she feels and she knows. there's been times when I tell her to think about it all. Think about how you would feel in the future with this man. When you wed this is what you wed into. You take on him, his burdens, his mother, even his children and the 1st baby mama! Yes! I said it 1st. that's coming up later ronin much detail.

I have to say, when you choose to bind yourself or anyone else you must think of how hard it is to be them. Love spells are not something to be played with because in fact they are not love spells. they are domination spells and binding spells. Actions that strip or lessen the will of another. That is why you must make sure the person loves you on their own accord. And not just" like" you! She herself has said the root has worked stuplendidly. And yes she said she waited for him to love her before she loved him. Or loves him. But! What spell could be so, If he's already being worked on? Regardless of the spell cast on to this man. Or even for future knowledge. You must be clean of the eyes that lay on you. You must have a clean subject to work on. Paint you canvas with your herbs and candles. But! if the cloth or canvas is stained with that of another. What say you do? What do you do. And that is nothing! Or nothing but! Clean. And this is where I believe the Enchantress trouble's lie. She fell for a canvas that's been soiled and cast upon. And like a woman in love. She did not clean and or wait. She did not see the signs or what had been done. Only what her heart desired, She saw what her spells have brought her. A man of her wishes.

The desires of the Enchantress is that:

A man who can love, even through the dullest of pain, sharpest of blades. That he'd be able to continue to push through and try.

A man who's wealth goes beyond that of his first, second and even third born children. A wealth that is not worried for. Where the children can be sing gleefully and be most gay.

A man who puts his wife's needs before his own and expect the same in return.

But! these are only but a few mutters I was able to hear from the parched lips of my sister witch. For her spells are hers. I myself prefer the scrying of my crystal balls and tarot work. With the watchful eyes of the "MIST" people to do my bidding. I think that spells are last resort. Unless other wise absolutely needed. Manipulation I feel is just as good, if not better. Because The mind and heart wants what it wants. And that can undo or break through, poke through any spell or any binding. And that to me is the case with the enchantresses relationship. No magic or spell. Hell.....not even being bound by spirit can change the internal conflict a man has regarding the love lost from a parent or his first love. Or the hearts true desire. To me this is why men need to learn to own there feelings. I have seen many spells undone though actions and not intention because their hearts desire are else where.

There will be things said and things seen that may make this union be more than just questioned! I must go for now Dear Tumblr. Until then................................ To be continued.

Dear Tumbler Diary

This to me, will always be a dream. I have been told by the Goddess of "self love" herself. That I would always have issues with love. I honestly do not know how to unravel that per-say. But! if I had to guess. I would say that the ball will always been my court and I have such an awareness that. I should always do what's best for me. & if I don't then the issue is mine, because I know better.

And like 23 year old me would say. "If you know better! Then you should do better"! Now I see that's not completely true. Then I spoke with the mindset of someone who did not have what he has now. I spoke with privilege and arrogance. I spoke like I knew everything. I also think that's why I'm still single. Because I think I know everything. I can also see how that's a major turn off. I myself am turned off by it. I can see how others are too.

When It comes to love I'm very delusional and I know I cannot be trusted. My head and heart are always fighting about what they want and what they need. The modern gay is too free and uneducated on how to court and love one another. We have many examples of how to fuck and have safer sex. But! not too many examples of how to love yourself or how to love the same sex or gender. How to have a successful healthy relationship. That's why I think we as gays and we as non whites have an issues. The stigmas and history surrounding homosexuality and What love is supposed to be. Even what main stream religion says how we’re to love in our organic environments. They won't let it happen. & if it does. Someone, somewhere for the sake or morals and beliefs. Sacrifices something! It does not always have to be grand or even a big sacrifice. But! There's always something given up.

One of the ways homosexuals sacrifice love is, by doing what’s expected of them. Listing to people who probably mean well, but don’t walk in the shoes of us. Happiness is the of the worse sacrifices to make. When stripped of it. Resentment and self loathing kicks in like over watered roots of any house plants. From the inside out it rots. It decay’s. Over time killing the person of all that would have and even could have made them better! Better people and bette for there community.

When I though I had found the love of my life. I was lost in desire. Love spells or attraction spells are dangerous because, they need to be done by people who are of sound mind. To me, if you do not have a strong foundation of self awareness, aware of your own imperfections and well as your blessings. Then you sorta cursed yourself to be with someone who you! Become dependent on.

One night in my early years of adult hood. I took it upon myself. With my half baked mindset. To cast into the universe to bring to me the qualities in a man that I hold dear and desired. This man was a man who had the eye of everyone. But! who came home to me! He was wealthy in love and energy. And yada yada yada. So I wrote these qualities down on a paper bag. Written in devil blood ink. On the night of a new moon of blessings. I took my deck of tarot. "This is where I fucked up" and placed the Lovers first followed by the Six of cups. Here! is where I FUCKED ME! and hard too. Followed by other suits. It was a while ago. So forgive for not giving too much detail. I had a red votive candle blessed and charged the night before. I placed it directly on my deck and anointed the space with Freshly cracked black pepper and willow leaves from Central Park. I love working with willow. And yes of course the tincture was blessed and anointed by HECATE. So not only did I call out to the Universe. I called HECATE too. Which was not really a good Idea. because I did not offer her the things I was supposed to. And back then I was depressed and was looking for a way of escape. In that time of my life. Sexual pleasure was my way out. "Who says being a slut isn't fun!"

Now! fast forward many years later A child of Yemaya and of the other Orisha, I know more now. Even better! I should have not only respected myself. But! my craft. Looking back now I can say I disrespected HECATE. writing this I see I have a debt to pay! She too has always been good to me. Blessed me with all wishes i asked for. Now, i take into account of how I cast spells and what for. Not all things can be completed with magic. But! It sure helps. Lol to be honest a natural love. And health and bountiful love will come to me. I just have to be sure to be ready for it. And welcome it with light and love in my heart, money on the bank and foundation so strong. That even when the earth quakes, moves and cries we are undisturbed and unaware of the fires that are outside our door!

serve your plate first before serving others.

He asked me when I fell in love with him and I knew it sounded dramatic to say the moment I saw him, so I told him this story of my grandma who had Alzheimer's- she forgot her name and the words for fruit and food, she forgot her address and how to use the washroom, all her life lost to the disease. The only thing she remembered was her son's name and when that began to fade, the one thing she always remembered was that she loved him, even in illness, even in insanity. She saw this 6 foot 2 man with a scrubby beard and she didn't know him but she said she trusted him, she asked him to hold her hand when she died. When does memory end and love begin? All I know is- she loved him before she remembered him.

-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The world is a sphere of ice and our hands are made of fire

My Migration Part 1

I have been silent for the last few months because so much has been happening to me. Have So much to share, so many variations of my truths. Many that I like to share and so many that show how ugly I am too.

First I HAVE TO SAY THANK YOU! Thank you for still being here! reading my life's journey and stories that I express with you.

Secondly, I would also like to state that more stories are here to come.

For the last two or so months. I have been in the mode of should I stay or should I go. I Currently reside in a shore lined Studio apartment here in Yonkers. With very nice amenities. In my unit I have a washer and dryer as well, a garbage disposal. One I use very often and a Dish washer that I have yet to touch. I pay for water and I never wanted to be tempted and or pay a very high water bill. I spike it often by washing loads and loads of laundry and lengthy showers.

When I returned home from my deployment, I had a need, a wanting a hunger to be with nature and to be a lone. I was always surrounded by people. But! mostly people who didn't get me or that were not my type of people. Add on to that, a base where I'm in the middle of no where. Just sand and the hot sun. Along a sea of people who burn when the planet faces the sun. it's always something that was bothering me. Always something that effected me. If it wasn't a micro aggression, It was a macro one.

For the sake of not repeating myself. I choose to live here in Yonkers because I felt that It was time to leave. Time to be free and branch out from the city and see what else my state had to offer. Even though It's just over a bridge or two. Now a year and a few months have gone and I have to leave. I have a hand of good times and a lot of rough ones. No bad, after all, all things are bout perspective. Right!?

I'm in a bit of a bind and this is the real reason as to why I am moving. I am short on funds and have to figure out how to manage my life. However the conclusion that I have come to is to just leave! Move with a bow of grace and probably rent a room . Not only am I having financial issues. I can't afford the new rates that have been set for where I live. Do I feel safe here!? That would be a relatively yes. Am I at peace when I come home to rest me head, no! And that has much to do with my surrounding environment. Commonly called, my neighbors. The building is made of wood and not concrete. Which I have to tell you is absolutely madding. I hate that I can hear them breath through their feet. The sound quality of the building is terrible. I never thought that in my many years of living. Sound would be the one thing to annoy me the most as an adult.

The sound quality is so bad that when I see people in the building looking to rent I tell them the absolute truth. Without omissions, Unlike what happened to me when I signed my lease. Other than the sound quality. I have to say I like that it's not 10,000 people or so who live here. Just a few hundred. There are two gyms and not everyone uses them. But! The pool, the pool it’s always full. There I stay away, besides the pool is shallow. If you were to look at me you can tell I need something big and something deep. Shallow was never my for take.

With all this said and done. I just need to figure out what my next move is going to be. I greatly dislike they they hav e placed me in this position. I mean aren’t they getting enough money with me being in the unit. I have to say this greed is so annoying. Like I’m already paying this money. I strive to not be a petty practitioner. But! I feel I need to cast against them. His response when I told him what I’m now sharing with you guys was that, “ He needed to put the unit for market value” I just gave home the saltiest look. Like you’re already getting paid!!!! His other response was “If I were to bring in someone new, I would market the unit at $2.200” that’s a big difference. Not to mention living here feels as if I’m paying a mortgage. This is super inconvenience.

To be continued……….

Spilling Secrets

To care! Or! Not! to care!!!!!

At the risk of getting in trouble or even just doing something to be seen. I shall express with you some of my feelings. They may be stupid.. Dark, Valid and even like Why!? yes I can quantify (why ) as a feeling.

I'm on my 2nd deployment in Africa this time with some people I never even met before this experience. It's not a bad one. But! it's not a great one either. In all real honestly I have nothing to complain about. One of the perks about being a social outlier is that you have a lot of alone time and people don’t bother to look for you unless you have a specific job and they need you to perform said job.

Here! in Africa near the horn! Im here to perform my duties as a cook. But! since i'm overseas they have me as a defac (dining facility) manager. So I graciously over see the food that comes in and where it goes and how it gets consumed. When I first arrived here in Africa, I was bright eyed and bushy tailed. Thrilled to be in the mother land. Although coming here I knew it would be all business and no play. and Yes! It has been all business with no fucking PLAY!

I have reached my 3rd month technically. And I'm not too sure how I can go about this experience any longer. People pass comments, or avoid eye contact with me. Talk at me and not to me. And I'm expected to just GO! With it. It's so fucking annoying and petty. That as an adult when you explain this situation to another adult. And you (HEAR) yourself explain what you feel and what you’re going through, you sound insecure, childish and non adult.

Which frustrates me because all I do is feel as if i'm supposed to be the bigger person. Supposed to walk away or shut up, while nothing happens to them! And this, this is a feeling I have been feeling all my life.

These feelings come from a place of not being properly seen or even appreciated! this makes me think about the scene on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, where Xander Harris is flipping over tables in the lunch room because he had seen the lunch lady put rat poison in the food, the students were eating. Then out of no where. Buffy comes in and stops her from butchering Xander. however the only thing the lunch lady can say for herself is "Verman " To me even before becoming a cook or an adult and working in the hospitality industry. I felt how that actress delivered her lines. As if she too had been over looked somewhere in her life. Where she just wanted good company and wanted people to appreciate what services she provides. I'm not saying i'm crazy or that I'll ever do that. I would just quit!!!

As a cook, appreciation to me looks like. Not giving me a hard time when I fuck up! Helping me out when I slow down. Making some small talk with me about something I did for you when I didn’t have to. My biggest one, is, even if you don’t like some thing I did or do, politely address it and don’t cause a scene. Every now and then please understand that there's a lot of things that go into making sure that your one plate of food, you experience. Reaches a standard and a level that suites everyone. Not just you!

One of the biggest things people complain about to me here is that I'm always doing something fancy!.........Fancy? They throw out mediocre ideas as if they are appealing to me or to the whole group. like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or something else. Like hotdogs. Just! hotdogs. We have a mixed group of people. Which I have to say! Yes! Thank you! Yemaya! Ochun! ha ha ha!!!! Because it's one thing to be the only GAY in the group to but! To be the only person who is not white! Good Goddess! That is something like no other!

But! for the most part, people here, the majority are white. So! that can explain why some of the food ideas are very simple. Like the other day someone asked me to not make anymore curry for a whole week. I just stared at them and glared in "Gay disapproval" it's probably not a thing. but! I'ma make it so!

One of the things I have to fight myself with while being here is my worth. As a city guy I would watch these tv shows about how the outlier felt alone and why thy didn’t just shake things up and how they wanted to kill themselves because they are locked in to a sub culture that did not value, appreciate or covet them. The same way the others are! I too have been feeling this way. I mean i'm not going to create a whole 13 reasons why about how grown men ignore me and subconsciously bully me. But! it has crossed my mind. I often find refuge in the space I sleep. I do my watercolor paintings and try my best to keep to myself. I am aware that I don’t think like everyone else. I actually came across something that I resinate with. It's called being Nuro-Divergent. From what I read about it. I vibe with it and it explains my whole life. I bring up not thinking like others because at time when in conversation. I just don’t fit into hetro-normative concepts. I either over or under deliver. if you clicked on the links I have provided, for me they are not the best! examples. I do take issues with some of there perspectives. but the overall point is there.

So there must be one question answered because some of you who are reading this must be asking this. If not! then! I asked this of myself as well... "Why did you become a soldier!?" and the quick simple answer is! Well...... I want them to pay for my medical education.

Even that I'm starting to reconsider. Is this the life I want to live. A life thats very similar to how I'm living now. Do I still want to be a soldier? should I be an airmen? Just so many things crossing my mind. But! back on to this whole 13 reasons why type thing. No! I do not want to un-alive myself. And No! I have not tried. I whole heartedly think its the malaria a pills they gave me. There are many side effects. I can say that this one started around the time of me taking them. So I stopped. But the medic bitched at me so I started taking them again. And to tell the army somethings is a really bad idea. It can get you sent home so I rather deal with them on my own. I really do believe I can’t trust anyone. And no one cares.

Okay, ok, ok, sooooooo the whole secret spilling was not jaw dropping as I intended it to be. However! It felt great to get it out! I'm starting to feel very sleepy and it’s 03:22 here. and I have to be up in 1 hour for work! (gay sigh!) why me! until next time my sunshines.

A little bit of this! A little bit of that

I have to say that I'm doing a bang up job of overwhelming myself here. I thought that I would have, a lot more down time than I did. Well no! This is not true! As an ARMY cook with my first deployment I had a full team of people who are. Like minded and knew what I knew so the job was not as difficult as it is now!

Now! I have a team but they are contractors who are not American, that are from all over the world. And these are people who are not aware nor do not care about our American culture. So when it comes to food quality or how a dish is made. It's all about getting the job done!

I had to stop one of them from killing us with salt the other day! He used a teriyaki concentrate on one of the meats and I lost my shit! I'm borderline hypertensive. So usually I watch what I eat. One of the things I cannot eat, is surprisingly BBQ sauce. The Amount of salt thats in there is truly crazy to me. Part of my job in the kitchen is to ensure that the food is up to par and that its eatable. But! I'm not the type to make sure that you can just! consume it! Which separates me from the straight men here! They fucking kill me with there sub standards for things that are rather serious. Vers little things like there toys. AKA weapons.

However, I began to get bored with the menu. When you eat weeks and weeks of the same shit, it gets boring really quickly and since well.... I'm the food manger here! I get a say in what happens. I get to deviate from this terrible subpar menu created by a guy who considers cooking "ordering food." Yuck!

The Team that I work with are a team of 5 guys. lol Yes five guys. Not the burger joint but a team of physically small men! which is kind of weird. B/c all of the American men, including myself are gigantic. I'm a wopping 230 pounds and 6'1 . While the average hight among them are 5'4. I do at times feel bad when I get upset with them because they physically look like children to me. But! come on! You can literally taste how salty it is! Then, I had to take a really good look in the mirror and remind myself that not everyone is as aware as I am.

In my years of cooking i had to learn what people do! As in what people do on their down time effects them int here personal life. so if a person works out, they are more likely to be proactive in some areas where physical needs are needed. If a person is artistic, and they paint write and draw on their downtime. That effects how they view the world and will see reality from a more cynical harsh perspective. which at times can create a hostile or rough environment. But! this guy says he has been working in food service for over 2o years. yes! 20 years. which i was surprised by. For a man who's so small and that resembles a child. he's older than I am. I'm currently in my early 30's. but! Him! no he's pushing 50 something. Which is weird as to why he could not taste the salt in the food.

Now! don't get your panties up in a much! Pull them out your asses, he's not the 50 year old who looks, acts or moves his age. So if I say I get on him. It’s because of professional reasons. Not every elderly person is that image of a bag of sand.

What I happen to realize is that, his habit on and off of work is that he's a smoker! Which I should have picked up on from when he smiles. I need to stop giving people the benefit of the doubt. Quick tangent. I one time went over my god mothers house to hang out with her. I happen to be in the kitchen waiting for her to com e out of the bathroom and her man at the time was cooking himself some ramen noodles. So! If you have ver cooked that 25 cent packet of death you know that the little pouch of seasoning it comes with is salty enough. So no! her man adds one of the little red pouches to it along with some soy sauce. Yes soy sauce. I tried my best to hold back the " What the fuck are you doing" look on my face.

I had to ask though. Well...... state that it looks well seasoned. lol he laughed and said he can taste it that way. I figured that it was because of his diabetes. But! he's not the only smoker who has made food that I have seen, over salt things. So in the end when I realized that I had to let him know that he could not use the teriyaki concentrate the same way he uses ketchup. that it needs to be diluted with water. & that I did not care how he used it before, but while i'm here he's not going to do that! because hat they do not realize is that there's a pecking order here! & when the food is good or bad, I get the blame and I get the praise. Not them. I tried t be humble but! they say I make a difference here so I'ma just run with it.

This food for thought over hea!!!! Has been the seed to my whole existence. I learned that we all may experience the same thing. But take different slices from it.

This experience has became more & more prevalent to me. Especially when I would do readings on the street in Union square just for fun. You know, you have to keep your skills sharp. And I have to say. That, I would get some people who would debate the meaning of things with me. As if I did not know what I was talking about. For instance, in this sharpening of skills, I sat across the street from Starbucks, in, union square park. Directly in front of a statue where there's a mother holding her hungering child. "At least that's what I can remember, I'm in Africa right now" so my mind is pre occupied with Army stuff.

a few years back. I would sit there in Union square and be soo outlandish and boisterous. Loudly chanting "Reading, Reading.... do you care to be read. Do you care to know what the future holds!?" This I could tell you, that the spirits were on my mutha Fuckin back! Okay!!!! The energy was strong! I was feeling spicy and saucy. Talking my shit, doing, my shit! I loved every minute of it.

In all of that energy, moving and grooving I attracted a middle aged Asian woman who was looking for clarity. Clarity that she most definitely found with me. I do not remember all of the details of her reading. And since I don’t know her name and have not posted her picture. I will talk about her case. lol I have my own moral code when I do my readings. For me, one of them is that I will not share people information unless strictly given clear authority to do so, with other people who can figure out who it is. I respect people boundaries. It's a two may street here. Not only is the person being read is vulnerable. But! Also the reader! We take on so much of the bad JuJu and the emotional dump that comes with people opening up to us.

In all, this women comes to me and sits down at the table the park has already provided. And rightfully so, questions me about what it is that I do. Which is fair. I mean I am a whole stranger in a park in New York city that she does not know. I mean, It's a hustle city! Where you have to hustle or be hustled. But! I digress. After she completes her interrogation. She stops moving and locks eyes with me. I could tell, she was ready to ask her question and get an answers.

The process in which I divinate, so that the person feels more at ease. Is, I ask them to ask the question loudly in there heads and only think of that one question. And that question specifically. If not! I'll get the two questions. Even if you asked the question in a variety of ways. It will be confusing and you wont get a clear response to whats been asked. And yes the cards will reflect that for me. Every reader has his, hers or theirs own way of doing things. lol (I'm trying my best to be inclusive)

As I shuffle my cards; Locked into her energy. psychically pulling her thoughts and wonders into my cards. I throw a hand. "Now! the deets get blurry because this story happened so long ago!" But! Long story short I was on the money. I knew what she wanted to know and I have clarified it for her. The first part of her reading I do remember confirming something I could have never known about her. And that she was impressed. She did not live a normal life or have a normal type of career. At least, whats not normal for NYC. Towards the end of her reading. She and I butted heads because of semantics. She did't like how I was using certain words to define how she understood and experienced her life.

Ultimately, the reading closed out and she paid me. But I was perturbed that she challenged me on what I felt and saw for her. After all I was the reader. But this was a clear lesson and a win for my future readings. & that win is, I should choose my words very carefully. Not everyone will understand things in the way that I will.

Back then I really thought I was hot shit. I mean, I was and still am. I'm very skilled in my craft. However, I though to myself all those years ago, I'm an Empath and getting the information in 3 ways. & I learned, not right away mind you. that with all of the way I can magically, spiritually gather information. Does not me I can dictate how someone is experiencing something. That it does not mean that I can change the narrative of how they feel it, think it and even live it.

She wanted to get my information at the end. But! I said "No" At this point in my life I was not as humble as I am now. I did not live for the sake of knowledge. I lived to be right! I lived for power. Being a psychic vampire and casting spells because I could. I was just a menace. Not all psychic vampires are bad! I mean we exchange energy all the time. And most of the time, when doing readings.

I didn’t like how I would not want to finish or even start one. Because of the energy exchange. I'm more emotionally mature now. So I know to clean myself every other day. Or every day. Little do people know they are doing magic or spiritual practices everyday and don’t even know it. I have to go now. I have to ask a Ugandan about some hash browns.

Just a reminder that the people you look to for information and advice on religious practices, witchcraft, and other aspects of the spiritual are primarily sharing from a place of personal experience as well as their own values and ethics. This means that not everything one person shares or emphasizes will be relevant to you or vibe with you. That doesn’t automatically make them or you wrong. It just means that aspects of their teachings isn’t for you and you’re welcome to ignore it. Take what works for you and leave behind what doesn’t. Also learn from and engage with multiple people so you are exposed to different perspectives and possibilities. 

IM OK WITH BEING THE VILLAIN!!!

One of the things that life seems to keep me on my toes about is that not all people are going to like you. Thats kind of obvious at this point. But! What is not obvious is that people wont like you just for the sake of not liking you!

I have come to the understanding that, people have this notion, I have probably said it before in another post that. People really do think that the world is supposed to operate the way they perceive it to be. That the world is a one size fits all case. Which, we should know by now that it is not!

I bring all of this up because my sister recently had a conversation about me with some other family members. In a vague dismissive kind of way but in a way! I have a very short fuse when it comes to people I trust and I fuck with. These family members and I have burned bridges, each of us on our own side with one another. And well! It is what it is.

ON November 14th I had found out that my great aunt had passed way! She and I had a very good understanding about one another. Or! At least this is what I think. She was born in the 60's and grew up in the 70's and raised children in the 80's and late 90's. Which this means she had seen the epidemics that effect Harlem and other places in America. Although she is my great aunt I knew her as my aunt. The ranking system in my family is a little messed up. I'll probably discuss that in another post.

Knowing who my aunt is, it greatly saddens me that she's no longer here with us. As a spiritualist, I don’t grieve for her in ways that other people do. I grieve because I know she must have been lost and sad and scared in her transition over. Well, it was more of a…….I know she has rather than a must have. Earlier that day I decided to paint a picture of a bear. On my down time I like to practice my watercolor painting.

I was scrolling though the gram and I happen to see an oil painting that I really like and though that I could do it in watercolor. try my skills out. Sharpen them.

Once I was able to go my little room and started sketching the bear. I felt this magnetic pull. I just assumed that it was me bing hyper focused. Or! That I was inspired by (Keisha) the stray abrasive cat that meows so loudly outside the defact. But as I sketched, the magnetism grew stronger and stronger and I would see is my aunt in my head. I thought that she may have been talking that stuff about me.

The falling out that I have with my great aunt goes way back to when I was homeless. Which I do think is very petty. I was house hopping at the time and had very little to myself. I was depressed and defensive and trusted no one and took whatever help I could at the time.

I felt abandoned and very unloved. which is why I love my spirits and the Orisha. These two power house has had my back so much and has gotten me through so many dark times in my life that I'm just like. I love you more than the members who are alive. Having this deep spiritual bond and connection. Means that for my safety, things are known about people. Information becomes extremely clear. So that no matter what I was never caught off guard by anyone. I'm not blaming anyone or anything. I'm mearly stating facts about my spiritual experience.

As I started the actual painting. I looked over and decided to use my gouache paint over my watercolor paints. The good stuff. So I started to paint and I just began to make it more and more detailed. Moments after, I get a call from my sister stating that I was right! That my aunt had died. (I had told my sister that I sensed DEATH and that I had thought it was my great Aunt)

I knew my aunt like to dabble in things that were no good for her. I also knew that she was a women who needed help, therapy and concealing. Don’t get me wrong, She was not one of those people who you could not have around you. She was. She was very much so the life of the party. She would make you laugh and had a way of bringing you in to her energy. It was sad to know that this light of hers had been put out. And the fact that It was done by her own hand bothers me.

KNOWING WHEN TO SAY WHEN!!!

I say knowing to say when in the tittle because. I'm still learning this. Hopefully you all can get some help from this or even advise me on this too.

When I was a Gaybe = Gay baby. I would use humor to have people over look my homosexuality. It was my way of feeling safe in other peoples presence. Little did I know there was no such thing. I have learn that they just tolerated me. A feeling I wish on no one. A feeling of, I'm only here because you feel like dealing with me at this moment. I bring this up because of the first valuable life lesson that I learned was. To not allow my loyalty to enslave me.

What I have noticed about myself is that. I like to stick with what I know and with what I am comfortable with. And part of that for me is loyalty. It's a quality I truly value in people. Something I was shown very little of as a child and in my early 20's.

I noticed that I was a giver. I would give my time. My energy, my love. My. Almost everything. To me, this was being loyal. What I had not known was that I lacked boundaries. I lacked self awareness and self love. You see my mother since the age of 8 has been telling me that she could not wait until I was 18, so she could kick me out. That I was a problem child and what not. I use to feel bad about being male. She would get mad at me for not doing traditional male things but she pushed men out of my life. So how was I supposed to do. How was I supposed to KNOW!!!

Little did she know, I knew. That she was not really mad at me. But mad at my father. I looked just like him! I looked like a spitting image of that man. For that I believe she did not want me or love me the way I needed to be. Because of what ever issues those two had with one another.

I also know that my father was a whore. I mean, I cant blame him. He was handsome as fuck. Still kind of is. My father is a quarter french a quarter Puerto Rican and fifty percent Blacktino. My father is a sexy pasty man. lol When people look at me they think I'ma mulato. Part Black and part White. No latino, but there are those of us who can Identify me. Which always made me feel good about myself.

So going back into this " SAY WHEN!" Business. These experiences that I had. With my mother and the guest appearances from my father. Has let me know how much value I had to them. This is how, in my opinion, children start to form their Identities. Thus, where Loyalty has become a pillar I look for in other people.

However, what I lacked and were cracks, created in this pillar was "CONSISTENCY." Can you continue to be a loyal person to me. On this journey, I looked for love of a mother and love from friends. And I had found it. Or so I thought........ to be continued!!!

WHATS WRONG?

Absolutely........ Nothing, nothing is the matter. For the first time in decades I have felt normal!!!! Ok, OK, Ok, I have to admit, with some help of a quarter of a 100 MG eatable. I feel great!!

Today I was not feeling my best. I had been on a CARNIVORE DIET for about a week now.

But!!! I just ended it today. I just dontbhtink that it is for me. I had notice that my poop was very tiny and I looked extra bulky. My breath started stink. And when I sweat, from like walking for a long distance. I smelled like deli meat. "JUST TOO FUCKING GROSE." If I were around the gays, I'm sure some one would have been very turned on.

I say this because when I would take off my clothes at the end of the night to take my nightly shower. I smelled so much like a masculine man. And yes I was turned on my own smell. But! walking around the city and doing my job. I hated how my inwardly smell, smelled. If that makes any sense. Like as if I could smell inside out of myself.

Any who that was not what I went on that diet for. I tried the diet just to see if there were any differences in my social behavior and physical feeling when working out. And yes! There was! I did not feel hungry for most of the day. I did have more energy. However, I have noticed that I have been being more aggressive to people. In stature, conversation and in social cues. Almost as if I'm initiating aggression. I think that eating a high protein diet, did dramatically increased my testosterone levels.

After all, this is how the early man did eat. Wit all that being said I stopped today because I listened to my body and it was craving greens and I just had to listen. I notice that my stomach has gone down and I'm farting a lot more, I'm sorry, I know too much info. However, all of this is a good thing. I think.

Albiet, I have been focused on what It is that I feel that I have been lacking. But! tonight! I feel like I have found a new sight. A new way of looking at the world. And yes! There's some non conventional thing thats helping me view the world in this capacity.

For the last seven years, I have had some what of a sense of normalcy. But I work too much to feel it. But before my current "securing" career, I had been struggling like a ugly bitch tryin to look in the mirror without breaking it. Almost impossible, right? But now a days, they have the confidence of a rhino in a tutu, how? I have no Idea.

Just as crazy as my analogy is, is how I managed to pull some things together. For the longest time, I had struggled with the wave. The wave of couch surfing. Surfing in friends and families houses. Until I Finally listened to what people had to say to me. My Egun!

When I was surfing, I did not have structure. I had no real sleeping schedule. I had no real security in my life. I had to eat until I felt full. I was rocking 3 different pairs of shoes. And these shoes were three different styles. One pair was an everyday wear that no matter what style I Rocked I pulled together. The 2nd pair was an athletic look. A pair I could do some running with but also, had a sporty feel to it. And last but not least was the 3rd pair, which was more of a shoe than a sneaker.

Today, I had pulled together a look that was so simple yet so cute. I wished I had pulled a picture together and snapped a photo of it.

As a matter of FACT LET ME TAKE SOME RIGHT NOW!!!!

( YELLOW GOOD FELLOW SHIRT)

(LEVI'S 36/34)

(LIGHT WEIGHT BOMER JACKET)

(PALLADIUM BOOTS)

For me this is all important because I used to be some form of a sex worker. I noticed that most young gays tend to lean in to that life for a little bit because it's a sure way to get your basic needs met! For me, I Had no clue what to do. But I knew that that was one way of getting hat I needed. I did not intend to do it. I literally just happen to do it. I fell in to it.

SO! Me wearing these clothes, help me see, my self progress. When I see these clothes here. I don't see a struggling hungry person. Who’s willing to do some things just so he's not cold or hungry. The world is not nice to young men. It's definitely a dog eat dog world out here. I now wear a 36 waist instead of a 32. I wear a large to an Xtra Large shirt.

I have never been so proud of myself. For those of you who don't understand men sizes. I use to be a size 12 in women jeans and I dropped down to a size 2 going into a zero. Thats how skinny I used to be. People often confused me for a bald headed tranny. Tall skinny and fem. With some meaty parts but mostly bones.

Tonight I felt like a main character. Which fo rme is such a big deal. bevause I had been living my lid=fe like a side character. I should et an award for best supporting role. bevause honey. When I tell you!!!! The way I have been there for so many any bitches.

"YES! EVERYONE IS BITCH OT ME. & YES! MEN ARE BITCHES TOO"

I have not been this so unbothered since High school. I have money. A bed to rest my head in. Work thats a different kind of danger. And I am well fed. I nothing to bitch or complain about. If I were to take pictures and show you how many clothes I have. How many shoes, bags and regular accessories. You'd think you were in some form of Boutique.

I just wanted to share some things with all of you and get all of this off my chest. It had been so long for me to say, I feel safe now!

I also think that one of the reasons as to why I feel so good is because I am being crowned YEMAYA.

Mother, Ocean Orisha. Even though she is a river deity. We happen to work with her at the oceans here. So if any Nigerians are reading this. lol First off. Hiii, and 2ndly Welcome. 3rdly I'm sorry, I know over here in the States we do things differently than what you guys do over there.

On Nov 15, I am going in. Getting the deed finally started after 15 years of being an apprentice. learning and growing. I too, will now be a full priest OF the religion. And for those of you who don't know. It's Santeria!! "Mafede-Foon Yemaya!!!"

There's just so many good things happening to me in my life. I have to say thank you. Thank you to my spirits. Thank you to the Orisha and thank you to GOD. Thank you ALL. Well. I'ma go tot bed. Good night to all.

Intro !!

˖ ݁𖥔 ݁˖ 𐙚 ˖ ݁𖥔 ݁˖

Hai! My name is Snghyps! This is my digital diary ❀˖° I am a girl and go by she/her. I like anime, manga, manhua, kpop, and other things. My fav groups are NewJeans and ENHYPEN (Hanni and Sunghoon stan). I love Jujutsu Kaisen, Death Note, and shoujos aswell. I love all things pink and cute!! I would love to make lots of friends! ₊˚⊹♡

Getting a enhypen disc today ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა

Hopefully I pull my bias !!

The way I was SCREAMING ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡

 　 　　   ⪩　 bow symbols　 𑆪ིྀᩧ

　   ^᪲　  ིྀྀི　   ౨ৎ   ꣑𓍢 　  ❜୧　  ୨୧ 　  𐙚᭄

　   ^᪲᪲᪲　  ೀ　  ೨౿   ᠀𓏲　  ϑ𐑞 　 ꣑୧　  ︶ིྀᩧ

　  𐙚　  ೇ　  𑁥౿　 ꢾ𓍢ִ໋　  𐒘𝛠　  ϑℓ　  ၄၃

　　 ꔫ　  ^ྀི᪲　   ୭ৎ　 𝝑𓏲 　 𝝑𝝔　  𝝑𝑒　   ⪩⪨

　  ᤣ९　 ◌⃘ꔫ　  ໑᱖　 ୨𓏲̼　 𝟅𝟈　  𝝑୧　   ⃟͚ 𐙚

　　 𓍼　  ੭̲᱖　  ꪆৎ　 𑁥𓍢　  𝞋𝞎 　 𝜗𝜚　   ၇⃪⃖ꪆ୧

͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏ ͏͏͏

Reading your old diary entries are like swallowing your own vomit.