Yemaya - Tumblr Posts
@thesirenisles | masterlist
@thesirenisles | masterlist
Bucket List Destination: Suislaw National Forest, Cape Perpetua Image #3: Thor’s Well. Must. See. (Found images on Google. Unfortunately, not sure about photography credit. If you see your work, please let me know.)
Dear Tumbler Diary
This to me, will always be a dream. I have been told by the Goddess of "self love" herself. That I would always have issues with love. I honestly do not know how to unravel that per-say. But! if I had to guess. I would say that the ball will always been my court and I have such an awareness that. I should always do what's best for me. & if I don't then the issue is mine, because I know better.
And like 23 year old me would say. "If you know better! Then you should do better"! Now I see that's not completely true. Then I spoke with the mindset of someone who did not have what he has now. I spoke with privilege and arrogance. I spoke like I knew everything. I also think that's why I'm still single. Because I think I know everything. I can also see how that's a major turn off. I myself am turned off by it. I can see how others are too.
When It comes to love I'm very delusional and I know I cannot be trusted. My head and heart are always fighting about what they want and what they need. The modern gay is too free and uneducated on how to court and love one another. We have many examples of how to fuck and have safer sex. But! not too many examples of how to love yourself or how to love the same sex or gender. How to have a successful healthy relationship. That's why I think we as gays and we as non whites have an issues. The stigmas and history surrounding homosexuality and What love is supposed to be. Even what main stream religion says how we’re to love in our organic environments. They won't let it happen. & if it does. Someone, somewhere for the sake or morals and beliefs. Sacrifices something! It does not always have to be grand or even a big sacrifice. But! There's always something given up.
One of the ways homosexuals sacrifice love is, by doing what’s expected of them. Listing to people who probably mean well, but don’t walk in the shoes of us. Happiness is the of the worse sacrifices to make. When stripped of it. Resentment and self loathing kicks in like over watered roots of any house plants. From the inside out it rots. It decay’s. Over time killing the person of all that would have and even could have made them better! Better people and bette for there community.
When I though I had found the love of my life. I was lost in desire. Love spells or attraction spells are dangerous because, they need to be done by people who are of sound mind. To me, if you do not have a strong foundation of self awareness, aware of your own imperfections and well as your blessings. Then you sorta cursed yourself to be with someone who you! Become dependent on.
One night in my early years of adult hood. I took it upon myself. With my half baked mindset. To cast into the universe to bring to me the qualities in a man that I hold dear and desired. This man was a man who had the eye of everyone. But! who came home to me! He was wealthy in love and energy. And yada yada yada. So I wrote these qualities down on a paper bag. Written in devil blood ink. On the night of a new moon of blessings. I took my deck of tarot. "This is where I fucked up" and placed the Lovers first followed by the Six of cups. Here! is where I FUCKED ME! and hard too. Followed by other suits. It was a while ago. So forgive for not giving too much detail. I had a red votive candle blessed and charged the night before. I placed it directly on my deck and anointed the space with Freshly cracked black pepper and willow leaves from Central Park. I love working with willow. And yes of course the tincture was blessed and anointed by HECATE. So not only did I call out to the Universe. I called HECATE too. Which was not really a good Idea. because I did not offer her the things I was supposed to. And back then I was depressed and was looking for a way of escape. In that time of my life. Sexual pleasure was my way out. "Who says being a slut isn't fun!"
Now! fast forward many years later A child of Yemaya and of the other Orisha, I know more now. Even better! I should have not only respected myself. But! my craft. Looking back now I can say I disrespected HECATE. writing this I see I have a debt to pay! She too has always been good to me. Blessed me with all wishes i asked for. Now, i take into account of how I cast spells and what for. Not all things can be completed with magic. But! It sure helps. Lol to be honest a natural love. And health and bountiful love will come to me. I just have to be sure to be ready for it. And welcome it with light and love in my heart, money on the bank and foundation so strong. That even when the earth quakes, moves and cries we are undisturbed and unaware of the fires that are outside our door!
serve your plate first before serving others.
He asked me when I fell in love with him and I knew it sounded dramatic to say the moment I saw him, so I told him this story of my grandma who had Alzheimer's- she forgot her name and the words for fruit and food, she forgot her address and how to use the washroom, all her life lost to the disease. The only thing she remembered was her son's name and when that began to fade, the one thing she always remembered was that she loved him, even in illness, even in insanity. She saw this 6 foot 2 man with a scrubby beard and she didn't know him but she said she trusted him, she asked him to hold her hand when she died. When does memory end and love begin? All I know is- she loved him before she remembered him.
-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The world is a sphere of ice and our hands are made of fire
Spilling Secrets
To care! Or! Not! to care!!!!!
At the risk of getting in trouble or even just doing something to be seen. I shall express with you some of my feelings. They may be stupid.. Dark, Valid and even like Why!? yes I can quantify (why ) as a feeling.
I'm on my 2nd deployment in Africa this time with some people I never even met before this experience. It's not a bad one. But! it's not a great one either. In all real honestly I have nothing to complain about. One of the perks about being a social outlier is that you have a lot of alone time and people don’t bother to look for you unless you have a specific job and they need you to perform said job.
Here! in Africa near the horn! Im here to perform my duties as a cook. But! since i'm overseas they have me as a defac (dining facility) manager. So I graciously over see the food that comes in and where it goes and how it gets consumed. When I first arrived here in Africa, I was bright eyed and bushy tailed. Thrilled to be in the mother land. Although coming here I knew it would be all business and no play. and Yes! It has been all business with no fucking PLAY!
I have reached my 3rd month technically. And I'm not too sure how I can go about this experience any longer. People pass comments, or avoid eye contact with me. Talk at me and not to me. And I'm expected to just GO! With it. It's so fucking annoying and petty. That as an adult when you explain this situation to another adult. And you (HEAR) yourself explain what you feel and what you’re going through, you sound insecure, childish and non adult.
Which frustrates me because all I do is feel as if i'm supposed to be the bigger person. Supposed to walk away or shut up, while nothing happens to them! And this, this is a feeling I have been feeling all my life.
These feelings come from a place of not being properly seen or even appreciated! this makes me think about the scene on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, where Xander Harris is flipping over tables in the lunch room because he had seen the lunch lady put rat poison in the food, the students were eating. Then out of no where. Buffy comes in and stops her from butchering Xander. however the only thing the lunch lady can say for herself is "Verman " To me even before becoming a cook or an adult and working in the hospitality industry. I felt how that actress delivered her lines. As if she too had been over looked somewhere in her life. Where she just wanted good company and wanted people to appreciate what services she provides. I'm not saying i'm crazy or that I'll ever do that. I would just quit!!!
As a cook, appreciation to me looks like. Not giving me a hard time when I fuck up! Helping me out when I slow down. Making some small talk with me about something I did for you when I didn’t have to. My biggest one, is, even if you don’t like some thing I did or do, politely address it and don’t cause a scene. Every now and then please understand that there's a lot of things that go into making sure that your one plate of food, you experience. Reaches a standard and a level that suites everyone. Not just you!
One of the biggest things people complain about to me here is that I'm always doing something fancy!.........Fancy? They throw out mediocre ideas as if they are appealing to me or to the whole group. like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or something else. Like hotdogs. Just! hotdogs. We have a mixed group of people. Which I have to say! Yes! Thank you! Yemaya! Ochun! ha ha ha!!!! Because it's one thing to be the only GAY in the group to but! To be the only person who is not white! Good Goddess! That is something like no other!
But! for the most part, people here, the majority are white. So! that can explain why some of the food ideas are very simple. Like the other day someone asked me to not make anymore curry for a whole week. I just stared at them and glared in "Gay disapproval" it's probably not a thing. but! I'ma make it so!
One of the things I have to fight myself with while being here is my worth. As a city guy I would watch these tv shows about how the outlier felt alone and why thy didn’t just shake things up and how they wanted to kill themselves because they are locked in to a sub culture that did not value, appreciate or covet them. The same way the others are! I too have been feeling this way. I mean i'm not going to create a whole 13 reasons why about how grown men ignore me and subconsciously bully me. But! it has crossed my mind. I often find refuge in the space I sleep. I do my watercolor paintings and try my best to keep to myself. I am aware that I don’t think like everyone else. I actually came across something that I resinate with. It's called being Nuro-Divergent. From what I read about it. I vibe with it and it explains my whole life. I bring up not thinking like others because at time when in conversation. I just don’t fit into hetro-normative concepts. I either over or under deliver. if you clicked on the links I have provided, for me they are not the best! examples. I do take issues with some of there perspectives. but the overall point is there.
So there must be one question answered because some of you who are reading this must be asking this. If not! then! I asked this of myself as well... "Why did you become a soldier!?" and the quick simple answer is! Well...... I want them to pay for my medical education.
Even that I'm starting to reconsider. Is this the life I want to live. A life thats very similar to how I'm living now. Do I still want to be a soldier? should I be an airmen? Just so many things crossing my mind. But! back on to this whole 13 reasons why type thing. No! I do not want to un-alive myself. And No! I have not tried. I whole heartedly think its the malaria a pills they gave me. There are many side effects. I can say that this one started around the time of me taking them. So I stopped. But the medic bitched at me so I started taking them again. And to tell the army somethings is a really bad idea. It can get you sent home so I rather deal with them on my own. I really do believe I can’t trust anyone. And no one cares.
Okay, ok, ok, sooooooo the whole secret spilling was not jaw dropping as I intended it to be. However! It felt great to get it out! I'm starting to feel very sleepy and it’s 03:22 here. and I have to be up in 1 hour for work! (gay sigh!) why me! until next time my sunshines.
A little bit of this! A little bit of that
I have to say that I'm doing a bang up job of overwhelming myself here. I thought that I would have, a lot more down time than I did. Well no! This is not true! As an ARMY cook with my first deployment I had a full team of people who are. Like minded and knew what I knew so the job was not as difficult as it is now!
Now! I have a team but they are contractors who are not American, that are from all over the world. And these are people who are not aware nor do not care about our American culture. So when it comes to food quality or how a dish is made. It's all about getting the job done!
I had to stop one of them from killing us with salt the other day! He used a teriyaki concentrate on one of the meats and I lost my shit! I'm borderline hypertensive. So usually I watch what I eat. One of the things I cannot eat, is surprisingly BBQ sauce. The Amount of salt thats in there is truly crazy to me. Part of my job in the kitchen is to ensure that the food is up to par and that its eatable. But! I'm not the type to make sure that you can just! consume it! Which separates me from the straight men here! They fucking kill me with there sub standards for things that are rather serious. Vers little things like there toys. AKA weapons.
However, I began to get bored with the menu. When you eat weeks and weeks of the same shit, it gets boring really quickly and since well.... I'm the food manger here! I get a say in what happens. I get to deviate from this terrible subpar menu created by a guy who considers cooking "ordering food." Yuck!
The Team that I work with are a team of 5 guys. lol Yes five guys. Not the burger joint but a team of physically small men! which is kind of weird. B/c all of the American men, including myself are gigantic. I'm a wopping 230 pounds and 6'1 . While the average hight among them are 5'4. I do at times feel bad when I get upset with them because they physically look like children to me. But! come on! You can literally taste how salty it is! Then, I had to take a really good look in the mirror and remind myself that not everyone is as aware as I am.
In my years of cooking i had to learn what people do! As in what people do on their down time effects them int here personal life. so if a person works out, they are more likely to be proactive in some areas where physical needs are needed. If a person is artistic, and they paint write and draw on their downtime. That effects how they view the world and will see reality from a more cynical harsh perspective. which at times can create a hostile or rough environment. But! this guy says he has been working in food service for over 2o years. yes! 20 years. which i was surprised by. For a man who's so small and that resembles a child. he's older than I am. I'm currently in my early 30's. but! Him! no he's pushing 50 something. Which is weird as to why he could not taste the salt in the food.
Now! don't get your panties up in a much! Pull them out your asses, he's not the 50 year old who looks, acts or moves his age. So if I say I get on him. It’s because of professional reasons. Not every elderly person is that image of a bag of sand.
What I happen to realize is that, his habit on and off of work is that he's a smoker! Which I should have picked up on from when he smiles. I need to stop giving people the benefit of the doubt. Quick tangent. I one time went over my god mothers house to hang out with her. I happen to be in the kitchen waiting for her to com e out of the bathroom and her man at the time was cooking himself some ramen noodles. So! If you have ver cooked that 25 cent packet of death you know that the little pouch of seasoning it comes with is salty enough. So no! her man adds one of the little red pouches to it along with some soy sauce. Yes soy sauce. I tried my best to hold back the " What the fuck are you doing" look on my face.
I had to ask though. Well...... state that it looks well seasoned. lol he laughed and said he can taste it that way. I figured that it was because of his diabetes. But! he's not the only smoker who has made food that I have seen, over salt things. So in the end when I realized that I had to let him know that he could not use the teriyaki concentrate the same way he uses ketchup. that it needs to be diluted with water. & that I did not care how he used it before, but while i'm here he's not going to do that! because hat they do not realize is that there's a pecking order here! & when the food is good or bad, I get the blame and I get the praise. Not them. I tried t be humble but! they say I make a difference here so I'ma just run with it.
This food for thought over hea!!!! Has been the seed to my whole existence. I learned that we all may experience the same thing. But take different slices from it.
This experience has became more & more prevalent to me. Especially when I would do readings on the street in Union square just for fun. You know, you have to keep your skills sharp. And I have to say. That, I would get some people who would debate the meaning of things with me. As if I did not know what I was talking about. For instance, in this sharpening of skills, I sat across the street from Starbucks, in, union square park. Directly in front of a statue where there's a mother holding her hungering child. "At least that's what I can remember, I'm in Africa right now" so my mind is pre occupied with Army stuff.
a few years back. I would sit there in Union square and be soo outlandish and boisterous. Loudly chanting "Reading, Reading.... do you care to be read. Do you care to know what the future holds!?" This I could tell you, that the spirits were on my mutha Fuckin back! Okay!!!! The energy was strong! I was feeling spicy and saucy. Talking my shit, doing, my shit! I loved every minute of it.
In all of that energy, moving and grooving I attracted a middle aged Asian woman who was looking for clarity. Clarity that she most definitely found with me. I do not remember all of the details of her reading. And since I don’t know her name and have not posted her picture. I will talk about her case. lol I have my own moral code when I do my readings. For me, one of them is that I will not share people information unless strictly given clear authority to do so, with other people who can figure out who it is. I respect people boundaries. It's a two may street here. Not only is the person being read is vulnerable. But! Also the reader! We take on so much of the bad JuJu and the emotional dump that comes with people opening up to us.
In all, this women comes to me and sits down at the table the park has already provided. And rightfully so, questions me about what it is that I do. Which is fair. I mean I am a whole stranger in a park in New York city that she does not know. I mean, It's a hustle city! Where you have to hustle or be hustled. But! I digress. After she completes her interrogation. She stops moving and locks eyes with me. I could tell, she was ready to ask her question and get an answers.
The process in which I divinate, so that the person feels more at ease. Is, I ask them to ask the question loudly in there heads and only think of that one question. And that question specifically. If not! I'll get the two questions. Even if you asked the question in a variety of ways. It will be confusing and you wont get a clear response to whats been asked. And yes the cards will reflect that for me. Every reader has his, hers or theirs own way of doing things. lol (I'm trying my best to be inclusive)
As I shuffle my cards; Locked into her energy. psychically pulling her thoughts and wonders into my cards. I throw a hand. "Now! the deets get blurry because this story happened so long ago!" But! Long story short I was on the money. I knew what she wanted to know and I have clarified it for her. The first part of her reading I do remember confirming something I could have never known about her. And that she was impressed. She did not live a normal life or have a normal type of career. At least, whats not normal for NYC. Towards the end of her reading. She and I butted heads because of semantics. She did't like how I was using certain words to define how she understood and experienced her life.
Ultimately, the reading closed out and she paid me. But I was perturbed that she challenged me on what I felt and saw for her. After all I was the reader. But this was a clear lesson and a win for my future readings. & that win is, I should choose my words very carefully. Not everyone will understand things in the way that I will.
Back then I really thought I was hot shit. I mean, I was and still am. I'm very skilled in my craft. However, I though to myself all those years ago, I'm an Empath and getting the information in 3 ways. & I learned, not right away mind you. that with all of the way I can magically, spiritually gather information. Does not me I can dictate how someone is experiencing something. That it does not mean that I can change the narrative of how they feel it, think it and even live it.
She wanted to get my information at the end. But! I said "No" At this point in my life I was not as humble as I am now. I did not live for the sake of knowledge. I lived to be right! I lived for power. Being a psychic vampire and casting spells because I could. I was just a menace. Not all psychic vampires are bad! I mean we exchange energy all the time. And most of the time, when doing readings.
I didn’t like how I would not want to finish or even start one. Because of the energy exchange. I'm more emotionally mature now. So I know to clean myself every other day. Or every day. Little do people know they are doing magic or spiritual practices everyday and don’t even know it. I have to go now. I have to ask a Ugandan about some hash browns.
Just a reminder that the people you look to for information and advice on religious practices, witchcraft, and other aspects of the spiritual are primarily sharing from a place of personal experience as well as their own values and ethics. This means that not everything one person shares or emphasizes will be relevant to you or vibe with you. That doesn’t automatically make them or you wrong. It just means that aspects of their teachings isn’t for you and you’re welcome to ignore it. Take what works for you and leave behind what doesn’t. Also learn from and engage with multiple people so you are exposed to different perspectives and possibilities.
My Official Military Christmas.
First and for most. Happy holidays to all of those who reads this and who practice a difference faith than I do. I also have to say I'm not a Christian but! A Santero and spiritualist.
In these spaces I occupy, I have to take whats familiar to me. And well Christmas is witchy in nature. With all that being said. I have to say that my experience with this group of men are so different from what I am use to. That leadership does make a whole difference as to how you live in these environments and grow as a soldier.
The idea of putting up of the Christmas tree was one of the Air men's idea. Which I thought was pretty cool and very sweet. It did build moral as he knew that it would. When I saw it, It made me think of the pleasant times I had with my own family and the joys associated with Christmas.
It's ghetto as it'll ever be! But I have to say that I really do like it's creative nature. Since I work in the kitchen someone asked me to save the disposable table clothes. They're going to cut them up and make ribbons or bow ties out of them and add it to the tree dressed with Ripit energy drinks.
Now, myself, I don’t drink these. But the other guys do, and a lot. And they love them. I'll stick to my NewyoRican ways of drinking coffee and dying of dehydration because that's all I'll choose to put into my body. lol And yes, I'm joking!!!!!! Here I cannot do that. I think I would literally die! It's sooo dame hot here! I know Africa is suppose to be hot. But! I have to say, the thought of something. being in your head. Vers the experience is something else and actually doing it. man! I have to say I need to live a lot more than I have.
I'm just happy to see the tree. people are doing secret santa. my platoon isn’t doing it. and I'm not too sure how we can anyway.I mean were here! and we don't go any where and there are no stores. I'm just happy because well my family home will be happy. I also now that I'm not missing anything. We video chat quite often. I'm going to do my best to get the most out of this deployment. But the tree has definitely sparked some feelings in me I thought I have forgotten about. Which I have to say is a very good thing. I like when these good feelings and memories come back. Flooding my heart and head.
Over all, I know I made the decision thats best for me. I questioned myself about being a soldier. about being a military member. These question arise because my contract is coming to an end. And it's about that time to renew it. Or! Leave. I have thought bout leaving. Because of the horrendous leadership. People who are out for themselves and do not care about the people who follow them. But! thats another Blog post to be made.
However, I have to say that I titled this my first official Christmas because. The fist time I had one. The world around me way dying. It was 2020 and Covid was at an all time high. Christmas was jot on my mind although it was on everyone else’s. This year I’m I’m good spirits and have another ancestors to add to my alter. My first deployment was my uncle billy and now it’s my aunt Carolyn. I’m using this moral booster to cover up my pain. I’m not ready to be this exposed. Especially with a good group that I’m with.
IM OK WITH BEING THE VILLAIN!!!
One of the things that life seems to keep me on my toes about is that not all people are going to like you. Thats kind of obvious at this point. But! What is not obvious is that people wont like you just for the sake of not liking you!
I have come to the understanding that, people have this notion, I have probably said it before in another post that. People really do think that the world is supposed to operate the way they perceive it to be. That the world is a one size fits all case. Which, we should know by now that it is not!
I bring all of this up because my sister recently had a conversation about me with some other family members. In a vague dismissive kind of way but in a way! I have a very short fuse when it comes to people I trust and I fuck with. These family members and I have burned bridges, each of us on our own side with one another. And well! It is what it is.
ON November 14th I had found out that my great aunt had passed way! She and I had a very good understanding about one another. Or! At least this is what I think. She was born in the 60's and grew up in the 70's and raised children in the 80's and late 90's. Which this means she had seen the epidemics that effect Harlem and other places in America. Although she is my great aunt I knew her as my aunt. The ranking system in my family is a little messed up. I'll probably discuss that in another post.
Knowing who my aunt is, it greatly saddens me that she's no longer here with us. As a spiritualist, I don’t grieve for her in ways that other people do. I grieve because I know she must have been lost and sad and scared in her transition over. Well, it was more of a…….I know she has rather than a must have. Earlier that day I decided to paint a picture of a bear. On my down time I like to practice my watercolor painting.
I was scrolling though the gram and I happen to see an oil painting that I really like and though that I could do it in watercolor. try my skills out. Sharpen them.
Once I was able to go my little room and started sketching the bear. I felt this magnetic pull. I just assumed that it was me bing hyper focused. Or! That I was inspired by (Keisha) the stray abrasive cat that meows so loudly outside the defact. But as I sketched, the magnetism grew stronger and stronger and I would see is my aunt in my head. I thought that she may have been talking that stuff about me.
The falling out that I have with my great aunt goes way back to when I was homeless. Which I do think is very petty. I was house hopping at the time and had very little to myself. I was depressed and defensive and trusted no one and took whatever help I could at the time.
I felt abandoned and very unloved. which is why I love my spirits and the Orisha. These two power house has had my back so much and has gotten me through so many dark times in my life that I'm just like. I love you more than the members who are alive. Having this deep spiritual bond and connection. Means that for my safety, things are known about people. Information becomes extremely clear. So that no matter what I was never caught off guard by anyone. I'm not blaming anyone or anything. I'm mearly stating facts about my spiritual experience.
As I started the actual painting. I looked over and decided to use my gouache paint over my watercolor paints. The good stuff. So I started to paint and I just began to make it more and more detailed. Moments after, I get a call from my sister stating that I was right! That my aunt had died. (I had told my sister that I sensed DEATH and that I had thought it was my great Aunt)
I knew my aunt like to dabble in things that were no good for her. I also knew that she was a women who needed help, therapy and concealing. Don’t get me wrong, She was not one of those people who you could not have around you. She was. She was very much so the life of the party. She would make you laugh and had a way of bringing you in to her energy. It was sad to know that this light of hers had been put out. And the fact that It was done by her own hand bothers me.
Who KNEW!?
So I just had found out that Bumble bee have five eyes. Thats fucking crazy!
So like I start most of my mornings. I wake up to the the blaring sound of my phone alarm. Which I do believe adds to my stress of not being my full self. Oh how I miss not having any responsibilities. I wish I could share the boat load of things with a person who loves me.
I phrase my statement this way because there are so many people who fake being in love. i just rather have people love me way more than I love them.
I'm a good guy, but not a nice person. And no! I will not elaborate nore explain. It takes so much from me being responsible. I fucking hate it. But! When I'm not in a leadership position or have anything to do. I feel as if I'm supposed to be doing something. I feel so weird about it.
Any who, I happen to wake up because of my alarm and wanted to paint something. I have a tattoo that I'm getting on the 6th of this month. it's gonna be pretty. I'm having flowers and all sorts of pretty things. I'm getting a garden on my arm. So one of the things a garden has are insects. Wiyh all of thi being said. I was watching garden videos so I could get a better idea of what should be in my tattoo.
and boom! I see this awesome garden video and the gardener, zoom into a close up of the bee. and I was like ughhhh!!! What the fuck! Is tat a mutant bee? and nope! Its a normal bee. They do not just have two really big eyes, they also have 3 tiny ones.
This makes me sad because, now, when I look at them. They look like spiders. And in my head spiders look FUCKIN ugly. and now I have these crazy ass looking creatures on my arm. It's a fucking lie, A lie I tell you. A lie, I just wanted to vent about how all my life, I have loved these creatures... and they, they..... they look nothing like how I thought them to be. I mourn fo my memories.
KNOWING WHEN TO SAY WHEN!!!
I say knowing to say when in the tittle because. I'm still learning this. Hopefully you all can get some help from this or even advise me on this too.
When I was a Gaybe = Gay baby. I would use humor to have people over look my homosexuality. It was my way of feeling safe in other peoples presence. Little did I know there was no such thing. I have learn that they just tolerated me. A feeling I wish on no one. A feeling of, I'm only here because you feel like dealing with me at this moment. I bring this up because of the first valuable life lesson that I learned was. To not allow my loyalty to enslave me.
What I have noticed about myself is that. I like to stick with what I know and with what I am comfortable with. And part of that for me is loyalty. It's a quality I truly value in people. Something I was shown very little of as a child and in my early 20's.
I noticed that I was a giver. I would give my time. My energy, my love. My. Almost everything. To me, this was being loyal. What I had not known was that I lacked boundaries. I lacked self awareness and self love. You see my mother since the age of 8 has been telling me that she could not wait until I was 18, so she could kick me out. That I was a problem child and what not. I use to feel bad about being male. She would get mad at me for not doing traditional male things but she pushed men out of my life. So how was I supposed to do. How was I supposed to KNOW!!!
Little did she know, I knew. That she was not really mad at me. But mad at my father. I looked just like him! I looked like a spitting image of that man. For that I believe she did not want me or love me the way I needed to be. Because of what ever issues those two had with one another.
I also know that my father was a whore. I mean, I cant blame him. He was handsome as fuck. Still kind of is. My father is a quarter french a quarter Puerto Rican and fifty percent Blacktino. My father is a sexy pasty man. lol When people look at me they think I'ma mulato. Part Black and part White. No latino, but there are those of us who can Identify me. Which always made me feel good about myself.
So going back into this " SAY WHEN!" Business. These experiences that I had. With my mother and the guest appearances from my father. Has let me know how much value I had to them. This is how, in my opinion, children start to form their Identities. Thus, where Loyalty has become a pillar I look for in other people.
However, what I lacked and were cracks, created in this pillar was "CONSISTENCY." Can you continue to be a loyal person to me. On this journey, I looked for love of a mother and love from friends. And I had found it. Or so I thought........ to be continued!!!
WHATS WRONG?
Absolutely........ Nothing, nothing is the matter. For the first time in decades I have felt normal!!!! Ok, OK, Ok, I have to admit, with some help of a quarter of a 100 MG eatable. I feel great!!
Today I was not feeling my best. I had been on a CARNIVORE DIET for about a week now.
But!!! I just ended it today. I just dontbhtink that it is for me. I had notice that my poop was very tiny and I looked extra bulky. My breath started stink. And when I sweat, from like walking for a long distance. I smelled like deli meat. "JUST TOO FUCKING GROSE." If I were around the gays, I'm sure some one would have been very turned on.
I say this because when I would take off my clothes at the end of the night to take my nightly shower. I smelled so much like a masculine man. And yes I was turned on my own smell. But! walking around the city and doing my job. I hated how my inwardly smell, smelled. If that makes any sense. Like as if I could smell inside out of myself.
Any who that was not what I went on that diet for. I tried the diet just to see if there were any differences in my social behavior and physical feeling when working out. And yes! There was! I did not feel hungry for most of the day. I did have more energy. However, I have noticed that I have been being more aggressive to people. In stature, conversation and in social cues. Almost as if I'm initiating aggression. I think that eating a high protein diet, did dramatically increased my testosterone levels.
After all, this is how the early man did eat. Wit all that being said I stopped today because I listened to my body and it was craving greens and I just had to listen. I notice that my stomach has gone down and I'm farting a lot more, I'm sorry, I know too much info. However, all of this is a good thing. I think.
Albiet, I have been focused on what It is that I feel that I have been lacking. But! tonight! I feel like I have found a new sight. A new way of looking at the world. And yes! There's some non conventional thing thats helping me view the world in this capacity.
For the last seven years, I have had some what of a sense of normalcy. But I work too much to feel it. But before my current "securing" career, I had been struggling like a ugly bitch tryin to look in the mirror without breaking it. Almost impossible, right? But now a days, they have the confidence of a rhino in a tutu, how? I have no Idea.
Just as crazy as my analogy is, is how I managed to pull some things together. For the longest time, I had struggled with the wave. The wave of couch surfing. Surfing in friends and families houses. Until I Finally listened to what people had to say to me. My Egun!
When I was surfing, I did not have structure. I had no real sleeping schedule. I had no real security in my life. I had to eat until I felt full. I was rocking 3 different pairs of shoes. And these shoes were three different styles. One pair was an everyday wear that no matter what style I Rocked I pulled together. The 2nd pair was an athletic look. A pair I could do some running with but also, had a sporty feel to it. And last but not least was the 3rd pair, which was more of a shoe than a sneaker.
Today, I had pulled together a look that was so simple yet so cute. I wished I had pulled a picture together and snapped a photo of it.
As a matter of FACT LET ME TAKE SOME RIGHT NOW!!!!
( YELLOW GOOD FELLOW SHIRT)
(LEVI'S 36/34)
(LIGHT WEIGHT BOMER JACKET)
(PALLADIUM BOOTS)
For me this is all important because I used to be some form of a sex worker. I noticed that most young gays tend to lean in to that life for a little bit because it's a sure way to get your basic needs met! For me, I Had no clue what to do. But I knew that that was one way of getting hat I needed. I did not intend to do it. I literally just happen to do it. I fell in to it.
SO! Me wearing these clothes, help me see, my self progress. When I see these clothes here. I don't see a struggling hungry person. Who’s willing to do some things just so he's not cold or hungry. The world is not nice to young men. It's definitely a dog eat dog world out here. I now wear a 36 waist instead of a 32. I wear a large to an Xtra Large shirt.
I have never been so proud of myself. For those of you who don't understand men sizes. I use to be a size 12 in women jeans and I dropped down to a size 2 going into a zero. Thats how skinny I used to be. People often confused me for a bald headed tranny. Tall skinny and fem. With some meaty parts but mostly bones.
Tonight I felt like a main character. Which fo rme is such a big deal. bevause I had been living my lid=fe like a side character. I should et an award for best supporting role. bevause honey. When I tell you!!!! The way I have been there for so many any bitches.
"YES! EVERYONE IS BITCH OT ME. & YES! MEN ARE BITCHES TOO"
I have not been this so unbothered since High school. I have money. A bed to rest my head in. Work thats a different kind of danger. And I am well fed. I nothing to bitch or complain about. If I were to take pictures and show you how many clothes I have. How many shoes, bags and regular accessories. You'd think you were in some form of Boutique.
I just wanted to share some things with all of you and get all of this off my chest. It had been so long for me to say, I feel safe now!
I also think that one of the reasons as to why I feel so good is because I am being crowned YEMAYA.
Mother, Ocean Orisha. Even though she is a river deity. We happen to work with her at the oceans here. So if any Nigerians are reading this. lol First off. Hiii, and 2ndly Welcome. 3rdly I'm sorry, I know over here in the States we do things differently than what you guys do over there.
On Nov 15, I am going in. Getting the deed finally started after 15 years of being an apprentice. learning and growing. I too, will now be a full priest OF the religion. And for those of you who don't know. It's Santeria!! "Mafede-Foon Yemaya!!!"
There's just so many good things happening to me in my life. I have to say thank you. Thank you to my spirits. Thank you to the Orisha and thank you to GOD. Thank you ALL. Well. I'ma go tot bed. Good night to all.
In the name of our #ancestors #readmore #ancestry #knowyourworth #knowledgeispower #osun #chango #yemaya