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EMMA REALLY IS SELFISH. (RAY TOO BUT HE’S MORE SUBTLE)

At least, when it comes to Norman. Mainly, anyway.

Because darn it these parallels are here again wrecking havoc in my mind and showing, emphasizing what we may have missed before.

I didn’t see it before. But this. This is really really selfish.

In this scene Emma was willing to throw away everything. She was risking every single thing they have planned for for months to escape.

It wasn’t a heroic moment. It wasn’t a moment where the main character was upright and courageous, doing the right thing for the greater good. Because it wasn’t the right thing to do. Norman’s shipment was the way to go. (Even Ray who loves Norman maybe as much as Emma did had accepted this) Emma’s plan of letting him escape in front of mama wasn’t.

It was a pure act of selfishness. She didn’t want to lose him. And she was losing him. He was going to die and whatshouldshedo?

Emma is a smart girl. She knows what she was doing. She knew the consequences if she succeeded. And even then, she did it anyway.

She had been willing to expose the very device everybody needed to escape. Her leg, that was very much important if she ever hoped to make it out of GF. Ray’s six years of planning.

All of it was negligible compared to Norman’s life. She was willing to sacrifice it all: Her chances of survival, Ray’s six years, Everybody’s means for escape.

It was selfish. Stupidly selfish that even Norman snapped at her for what she tried to do.

She didn’t succeed here. Norman was shipped out. And she believed he was dead.

I might be bias because I love Norman and everything, but reading the arc after the escape, I think a part of Emma died with Norman.

Even after finding out about Connie’s, and those who were shipped out before death, Emma still managed to be herself. She was genuinely happy and hopeful and simply a burst of sunshine and kindness. All of them were going to escape. They would all make it out of there alive.

She was Emma. She was awake to the reality of this harsh world, but she was whole. Complete. She was strong. With him by her side, they would all make it out of GF.

They had lost many but they would move on. Move forward.

But his death hit her hard. Connie’s and their other siblings’ death couldn’t compare. Norman was different. He always had been. It was like she lost a part of her. Maybe she did.

With Norman, the brain, the man with the plans, the stronghold, gone, they needed someone else to be their torch to guide them. While very tactical and independent, Ray was never a leader. He was a supporter. He was the ace. He was an important key but he was never the one to open the door. So, Emma had to step up to fill up Norman’s role.

She had to fill Norman’s shoes. Had to be strong. Had to be the family’s new guide to this unknown world. But… was she still whole?

In GF, it was like she was looking at a future. A future for all of them to live on. To live happily with everyone.

But after his death, she was moving forward for the mere sake of her family. To keep them alive. It wasn’t very optimistic anymore. It was selfless. She devoted her life for the sake of her family. For their survival. Maybe even for keeping her last promise to Norman. Not for her future happiness anymore.

Emma had to grow out of naiveity. Learned how to hunt. To gather neccesities. To kill. Because she loved her family. And they needed her.

Even in Goldy Pond, she knew she couldn’t die. Her family was waiting for her. She had things to do. Cattle children to liberate. A future that would keep them all safe. A promise to uphold.

Time was good to the family. To Emma. Maybe sewed up wounds of the past. She moved on. With Ray, her family and his memory, she moved forward. But we never really see Emma catch her breath, do we? Never really do anything for herself anymore. Never act like her age and make cute little gestures we all loved back at GF. It was always for survival. And it’s kind of understandable given the situation. But even then, we see the other kids being really happy, genuinely happy and living.

Even as a leader, she was entitled to do so. Back at GF, she did but now, it was all about plans and actions for Emma.

I think maybe it’s because she never really had time to properly grieve him. Between planning for escape and surviving outside, there’s little room to hurt. And with all these little kids looking up to her as a pillar of support, she can’t manage to show her pain. It’s always bottled up; her pain for losing him.

But that changes.

We see in chapter 119 the sweet relief, the explosion of emotion from our sweet little girl who had to mother all her siblings. A throwback to her old self. (We even see her clothes and shoes change back to her past. Can’t put it here coz of 10 pic limit.)

The moment she sees him, something clicks. Something breaks and something goes back to place.

For a moment, she forgets. All her plans. Her family. Survival.

Everything. She drops the very pen that kept them alive for years. And rushes forward. Because suddenly, she was whole again. There he is. The part she was missing. Her ultimate regret. Right in front of her. Breathing, smiling, saying her name as he did in her dreams.

For the first time in so long. Emma finally feels. And she feelsfeelsFEELS.

And for a moment, she was herself. Whole, happy and carefree. He was there. And finally, she was given a second chance.

But then… she sees something else.

Something that binds him.

Something that reminds her of how she lost him in the first place.

There was a familiar tug holding him down again. A weight on his shoulders familiar to her own responsibilities but also so collossal in its difference to hers.

She sees him there, the same gentle person he was before, but he was buried in this obligation and desire to build a new and better world for every cattle children.

He was the same but he was so far away. He was here but he wasn’t free. It was shipment day all over again. The entire cattle children’s fate on his hands.

And she sees. Sees how probable it is for her to lose him again. Yeah. There’s this fact that genocide is evil and there are other ways (pipe dreams) to liberate cattle children but in this scene…

Emma just doesn’t want him to go away again.

And she may have to lose him again. For good this time. May it be his life or humanity there’s a really big chance that she’s losing him in exchange of complete liberty.(I’ve discussed this on my post about Norman’s 0 love for himself).

She’s a smart girl. She knows the consequences of her deliberately opposing Norman’s plans.

Knows how little their chance of survival in her plans compared to his. But her plans doesn’t include mass murder.

Her plans doesn’t include him sacrificing himself.

To put it roughly, her plans saves cattle children less and Norman more and demons most haha.

Because, noone would lose anything in Norman’s plan. There is only gain for their growing family. And everybody else approves. Ecstatic, even. Only Norman has to bear this weight. And he was willing to do so.

But Emma (and Ray) wasn’t. She can’t.

So Emma decides. She’s selfish again. Wants for her happiness again. She risks everything again. For this pipe dream of hers.

Because she can’t lose him for a second time. Can’t sacrifice this newfound wholesome.

In chapter 130, she finally admits. She was finally able to be honest and carefree to show her family her feelings about GF escape. How it wasn’t a success. Because he wasn’t there.

Here, Emma was finally herself again. Her bottled up feelings are all out in the open. We see a different Emma. It’s not just for survival anymore.

She sees a future again. Where Norman is there. She hopes not only for lives saved. But for smiles too. She’s hopeful again.

That’s why she leaves. She bears a little of his weight he carries because his freedom means hers as well.

Norman brought back Emma’s sense of self again. It’s more than just her family now. Because he’s alive. The chain of regret she’s carried for so long is cut down. And there’s something to look forward to again.

And she’s selfish enough not to let him give himself for the sake of cattle children.

She’s selfish enough to fight for her desire to keep him. Selfish enough to fight even him to save him from himself.

Because Emma isn’t having this. She’s not losing him. Never again.

Emma is selfish. If it meant him returning to her with no new series of burdens and decisions to atone for, then she’s willing to drag everybody and gauge this pipe dreams of her into reality.

And she repeatedly admits it.

This stubborn, bull-headed girl we love isn’t gonna lose him. Not this time. Never again. So look out Norman.

I applaud this girl for giving much love to the boi who needs it as much as he deprives himself of it. (And that Ray loves both Norman and Emma to support her in this.)