Obey Me: Demon Slayer MC (2)

Obey Me: Demon Slayer MC (2)

Part One

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You’ve been removed from the House of Lamentations...for a week. None of the brothers could argue, really.

Beelzebub feels kinda bad. If you were already cautious of them before you must have been terrified now. Being around angels and a fellow human would do some good but Beel has to resist coming over. The cookies you left are divine after all, so sweet and rich with the Celestial Realm ingredients. But when you return he should ask you why they seem to leave such a bitter taste in his mouth, maybe you fouled up with a measurement or two? Still, he eats them, getting crumbs all over the bandages that wrap around his thigh and right arm.

Satan will let Mammon off just this once. His missing tome was returned by you just a few hours ago, thwarting Mammon’s scheme and while he’s glad it’s back, it irritates him. The very sight of it makes him want to tear it apart and burn it. The soreness from last night’s scuffle doesn’t help his vexation any. Neither does the random drop of blood staining a couple of pages. Human blood, he notes but he feels no guilt. It’s not like he was the one that accidentally hit you last night. Besides, it’ll teach you to get involved in disputes between them. Though he will admit, going into his demon form over it may have been an exaggeration.

Asmodeus frowns at the silver spike earring he receives in the mail. It looks a lot like yours, which was why he ordered it. Except it’s a little less intricate and it didn’t quite shine the way yours does. But that‘s beside the point. Really? He just didn’t like it anymore. He didn’t like looking at it, trying it and though it likely still looks good, he didn’t like it on you, especially. Oh he always knew it looked dangerous but that was part of the charm! Now though, after recalling you accidentally cut yourself, the charm might’ve been a little dead.

Leviathan curses when he sees he didn’t save at an important point in Ruri-chan Adventures: High School Days. Impossible! He always saves so he can go back to all the cute, awesome things Ruri-chan said! And yet, there’s a gap between crucial scenes anyway. Ugh, it was all because of that stupid argument last night. He never would’ve thought they’d get him so riled up, he’d actually transform and join the fight over it, over...whatever it had been. And now the cuts on his arms sting when they come in contact with his jacket sleeves, ichor staining the inside lining. Just, ugh, this is the pits.

Mammon is still nursing a headache. He can’t remember whatever it is they got mad at him for last night, but did they really have to hit him so hard he passed out!? A little excessive, geez. At least today they’re nice to him...almost too nice. Ah shit, was he being blamed for last night? Is that why he’s been replaced as your watchdog? Were they buttering him up so they were going to punish him?! Nah! It couldn’t be, Lucifer would’ve done it already and Lucifer hasn’t left his room since yesterday.

Sitting in his bed with his pink tinged skin slathered in some remedy Barbatos whipped up, Lucifer can’t help but feel ridiculous. What was Diavolo thinking? Playing around with Holy Oil like that? Yes it had no effect on demons but Lucifer and his brothers weren’t always demons. It couldn’t be used to trap them like it used to but it could still incapacitate them. It had been so painful, he could hardly remember what happened afterwards but apparently his brothers got into a fight over something trivial and you got caught in the middle. He’d have to apologize to you later.

Regardless when he’d woken up, Diavolo was telling him (forcing him) to take the day off. He’d apologized only once but profusely, his ever-jovial smile faltering. Lucifer insisted he forgives him, it was an accident after all. Diavolo goes right back to smiling after that and tells him his duty of watching over you has been handed over to someone else for the week. Just until you’ve calmed down.

Luke is so miffed about what happened! He knew those demons would lose control and try to hurt you! Luke is ecstatic to have you in Purgatory Hall, of course. You recreated his cookies perfectly the other day and your knack for picking up recipes is amazing. Well, most recipes, your devildom dishes always end up...catastrophic. Maybe it was because of your basically being abducted here that made you so uncomfortable with anything devildom related. Still, he loves your company.

Simeon is, of course, delighted to have you. Even as low spirited as you seemed when you came in this morning. You presence has always given him a sense of tranquility and familiarity, as though you’re an old friend. And so he treats you as such, even if you seemed down at first, he catches you smiling every once in a while to yourself, twirling your angel relic earring as if remembering something fond by it. He just wishes you’d warm up to Solomon too.

Given the chance, you’d warm up. So warm, in fact, you could set him on fucking fire and collect the ashes so you could burn that too.

“f you keep being so quiet, I’m going to start getting suspicious”

You scowl at the bathroom door. Your newly appointed warden is waiting outside in your temporary room for you to be done. “Oh I’m sorry, did you want me to narrate everything I’m doing or are you just being a prick?”

“MC-“

“Second one, got it.”

You step out from beneath the shower, turning the valve in quick, jerky movements. They squeak as the water stops and it seems to satisfy Solomon for now. As you dry yourself off, out of the corner of your eye, you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror above the sink. You scowl at the chains of light wrapping around your chest and arms that shine the same pale gold as Solomon’s ring of power. If you could see the back of your head, you’re sure the bruised lump on it would bare his mark too. Or that of his baseball bat.

Why does he even have that?

“Mc?”

You secure the towel around yourself. “Alright I’m coming out.”

You’ve effectively piqued Solomon’s interest. When he was told another human would be attending RAD, he hadn’t expected much. But here you are, standing before him as the could’ve-been slayer of the Avatars of the Seven Sins. But realistically speaking you probably could’ve only taken three of them on with what you tried. But three would be enough, after all; you incapacitated the two most powerful demons of the House, cut up the third, held off the most aggressive and injured the strongest. Other than the cut you did yourself on your palm and his own hit to the back of your head, there isn’t a scratch on you.

A demon slayer. He had so many questions that he couldn’t ask you last night in front of Diavolo and Barbatos who definitely knew something but refused to speak on it. How did you discover your powers? Did you know it couldn’t just be human magic? Who taught you?

He settles on one, “What exactly was your plan?” his back to you, as you changed into sleepwear. The rustle of fabric stops for a second. He elaborates, even if you had fought the other brothers off or maybe escaped while your modified devil’s trap kept them locked in the House. Where would you go? What would you do? How would you go home, if that was your goal at all? You answer him with a question of your own. “Why’d you stop at incapacitating me, why save them?”

Quid pro quo. There’s a door in the human world, in Wyoming, USA, that opened to hell and reading Satan’s book you found out it opened to this circle of hell. No one had opened that door since 2007 but you knew how. All it would take from this side was one sacrifice. You look Solomon dead in the eye as you say it and he laughs.

His laugh is as infuriating as his answer. “The semester’s just begun MC, would be a shame to end it so early with a sudden war, eh?” Besides, he tells you, things get a lot more interesting for him this way.

You nearly throttle him right then and there. Instead, you settle for sleeping last night off, the soft glow and hum of Solomon’s magic lulling you to sleep and locking you in your room. War he’d said and you decided, plans can wait till you’ve had some rest.

Barbatos would be lying if he said the current conversation didn’t interest him almost as much as serving tonight’s tea did but not quite. But who could blame him? It is an excellent blend and Solomon is an excellent guest. He would have been more comfortable serving at the palace but the House of Lamentations was suitable enough to host. Besides, he shares Lord Diavolo’s wish to stay close to Lucifer while he heals.

“Still feeling a bit drained?” Diavolo asks as Barbatos sets a down a plate of holyberry muffins on the coffee table of Lucifer’s office.

Solomon smiles, expressing his thanks before picking up his cup. “Just a bit. But not to worry,” he says savoring the tea’s rich minty aftertaste. It banishes the chill from his bones in a way even Lucifer’s roaring fireplace can’t. “I had enough strength left in me to bind MC to their room at Purgatory.”

“Impressive. Especially after having to cast a memory spell so powerful just a few hour prior.” Diavolo compliments but he says it as if he’s making an observation about the weather. Not that he has to compliment Solomon at all, but from what he has gleaned in his short time in the exchange program, Diavolo is not one to be so lukewarm.

“So, what’s the big secret? If you’ll allow me to be so bold Lord Diavolo,” Solomon says, smiling still. He puts down his cup, turning to face the demon-prince head on. “I don’t very much like being in the dark with matters I become involved in.”

Diavolo sighs. No pleasantries will delay the conversation any further, it seems. “A Nephilim” he says, finishing his fist cup. Barbatos is there in an instant to refill it but all Diavolo can spare is a nod in thanks. “That’s what MC is. I know that’s your biggest question. As for your next one, yes I knew when I chose for the program.”

“Well that certainly explains some things,” Solomon grabs his chin, thinking back to the flashes of light, Celestial light in the devildom’s sky. Then there was cutting off the power, something that couldnt be achieved by just shutting down a generator, not when all generators ran on magic and could only be disrupted by magic. But that wasn’t all, you had undone every room enchantment, broken every curse on the doors labelled off limits for you. Finally, there was the main doors of the House of Lamentations. The seal was no mere devil’s trap, the likes of which wouldn’t have worked on six demons who had once been fallen angels. It was a powerful spell, one that should have drained any human of their strength to not only cast but also maintain.

But then there was the seal itself and the tattoos covering most of your skin.

“They can’t be the only one.”

Solomon’s musings are cut short. Diavolo has finished half of Barbatos’ brew but keeps drinking. “The seal and the marks? It’s been hundreds of years but I would recognize those anywhere. Someone had to have taught MC such careful and studied magic. And that someone is from order of hunters and demon slayers who protect the human world.”

“The Left Hand of God,” Solomon frowns. “I thought that was a myth. A lie to cover up Gabriel’s fall?” Such information being unknown to him twists his insides.

“The lie, is that Gabriel fell at all.” Diavolo finally sets down the cup rubbing one of his temples. “Towards the end of my father’s reign, he let some demons run rampant. Gabriel was sent to earth in human form, to send them back here. But it didn’t end with him, his children and their children formed the Left Hand of God. Part of the reason why my father’s still in slumber is he’s recovering from a great war he once had with them. It was declared a draw, when the Celestials interfered, siding with the humans. The treaties were drawn, and they’ve been protecting the human world for centuries since then.”

“And you brought one here.”

“I didn’t know that I did.”

Solomon raises a brow. “You knew about MC’s blood but not about the affiliation to the Left Hand? How does that elude you of all demons?”

Diavolo’s hand on his armrest clenches and for a moment, Solomon fears he’s overstepped but Diavolo takes one breath and his body relaxes.

“Solomon, what I’m about to tell you? No one can know, not yet.”

Outside the office, Belphegor’s knuckles drain white as he grips his pillow. Diavolo has brought a demon slayer to their House. One that threatened and hurt his brothers. The damned Prince didn’t listen, no one listened when he swore humans were nothing but vermin. He doesn’t stay for the rest of whatever they talk about, turning to stalk off down the hall to the foyer.

If Diavolo won’t deal with this. Then he will.

To Be Continued...

———————————————

@vicardi-the-fool @poppy-pom @aspenflower17 @game-lover-yess @sibit360 @siana-loves-you

Comment if you wanna be tagged for the next ones, I think this might become a whole ass series.

P.S I’m sorry this took so long I had no idea that part one was gonna get so much positive feedback. At some point I said “okay when itgets to 666 notes, I’ll get part 2 upbu then it was there within an hour of me saying so. And I kinda panicked cause what if this one is t as good or disnt get as much interest. So thank you all very much!

My one joy while I lay sick in my bed dramatically like a dying victorian child is that the same people that were sl*ts for Ghost from MW2 are just as feral for HUNK from Resident Evil. Thank you and goodnight

Oathkeeper

00: Prologue

Diluc x Doctor!Reader

Warnings: Blood. Mentions of death.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Diluc

Diluc accepts all that comes next.

Not that he can offer much resistance anyway. The searing in his chest and ache in his head that the Harbinger had left him with has subsided. Now all he feels is the last of him slip right through his fingers and drip, warm and red, down his chest. He feels his own breath growing shallow. Each one is a labor and he barely feels the hands gripping his arms and legs. Who has him, he wonders? Where are they taking him? Somewhere where no one will ever find him, or will they send him back? He finds comfort in that thought, in the idea of being buried next to his father. But he doesn’t like to think of Elzer’s frustration, Adelinde’s pained expression, Kaeya’s regret or Jean’s tears but blood and sweat have seeped into his eyes. It’s all he can see.

But he does hear voices.

“-defy orders!?”

“I’m doing wha-“

He can’t make out all of the words people around him are yelling. At him? At each other? He can’t tell that either, allowing himself to sink further.

“- so be it!”

Diluc gasps. A coolness envelops him, and he screams. The gash in his chest burns again, his body coming alight with pain. He thrashes, screaming louder when the hands holding him up grip tighter.

“-is a mistake.”

“Put him down right there.”

There’s crashing and grunting. Another spike of pain shoots up his nerves as he’s lowered down onto something and he gasps for air. The hands leave him and are replaced the same coolness that pulled him back into agony. He fights, trying to pull away from it but he can’t even manage that. The feeling travels down his chest, leaving his clothes damp and soothes his burning skin but it doesn’t do much else. “Broken ribs, bruised organs and… his lung is pierced,” someone says, a gentler voice and Diluc feels every ache and pain they list, the shadow of the Harbinger’s blade hasn’t left his chest. “He’s bleeding out inside.”

“What are you doing, then?!” Diluc can hear them clearer now, distressed, and panicked protests from a man with a deep voice.

“I don’t think there’s anything we can do.” A third voice worries, a quieter voice.

“Exactly! This is a fool’s act. He’s as good as dead!”

Yes, he is. Let him go, he wants to say. Let the suffering stop, he wants to beg. He musters up what strength he can trying to but is silenced. “Shush, don’t talk. Your jaw is broken too.” The same gentle voice chides, stricter now as the coolness caresses the side of his face. Something is touched to his lips and the voice commands. “Drink.”

He won’t.

“What. Are. You. Doing?!” One asks again, and the coolness leaves his face. Diluc manages a groan but the gentle one is right, his jaw aches. “If the Harbingers find out we helped him-“

“Leave then. If you want so badly to not get involved, to protect yourself, to let him die, leave.”

“But you-“

“I am doing my job. And if you’re going to help me. I need you to calm down. And if you can’t do that. Get. Out.”

The coolness comes back so does the thing touching his lips. “Drink,” the gentle one says and when Diluc doesn’t something slithers down his throat too fast for him to even choke on. Diluc almost gasps as his entire body relaxes. His ragged breathing slows.

“Well?”

He doesn’t know who they’re asking.

“…fuck it.” The quiet one, the worrier, speaks up. There’s rustling and shuffling. “What do you need me to do?”

“You’re fools! Insane! Both of you!”

The gentle voice says something else but Diluc doesn’t catch it. The ache in his head ebbs away and he barely feels the hands on his chest, peeling his clothes away. He almost protests again but whatever he’s drank has rendered his faculties useless, numb. He catches one last thing before he’s pulled under. The gentle voice huffs.

“Sorry, but you’re not dying today. Not while I’ve got you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 00 | 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AN: The start of a new fic, I feel motivated to wrote. Here’s to hoping! If you’re interested I’d really appreciate a reblog. 😊 

Really, your writting is marvelous.

Wow. This is the first time I’ve ever gotten one of these like EVER 🥺

Thank you so much. And thanks to everyone who randomly finds my stuff and reblogs even considering how inconsistent I am with uploading.

Oh my lord.

I’m delighted, I did not expect such a response from something I penned (typed?) and posted on a whim. Thank you for such a positive response.

And now I’m legally obligated to the other parts ASAP, aren’t? 😂

Update: It’s up!

Part 2

Obey Me: MC is Hiding Something

When MC first awakens in the council room none of them think much of them. They’re sitting there shivering like a dog left out in the rain and refuses to meet anyone’s eyes.

Lucifer starts to wonder what in devil’s name made you a good candidate for this exchange program. You barely had enough courage to answer when Lord Diavolo welcomed you so graciously, much less look dignified in any way.

Something odd he does observe though is, despite you silence and obvious terror, you seemed to accept the concepts of a Devildom and of RAD and him and his brother very easily or maybe you were just nodding along insipidly.

Mammon’s opinion of you is even lower. He already hated the idea of having to watch and make sure some stupid human didn’t get themselves killed on their first week. Damn it! That wasn’t his job! They can’t even carry a conversation, always just staring and watching everybody.

The human doesnt seem to have any kind of motivations or idea as to what they wanna do. Lucifer will never know if he leaves you alone at school for a while considering you’ve found your friends group with the other exchange students. And at home he sees no problem with letting you go off for just an hour or two. All you really do is walk around and examine the rooms and grounds. Maybe you’re an architecture freak or something.

Leviathan barely pays you any mind when you arrive, not like he ever has the chance to, being that he never leaves his room outside of going to class. But during breakfast he does notice how interested you seemed in the game console he’s playing on. And for a moment he wonders if you’re a gamer or an otaku too

but no, ugh you’re just some normie. You watch Asmo obsess over his compact mirror and Satan over whatever book he’s holding just the same. And you’re conversation is shit like Mammon said. Listless and lacking enthusiasm. But he doesnt stop you when you watch over his shoulder when he plays.

Satan doesn’t have a problem with you. That said, he doesn’t particularly like you. But he can respect how much time you seem to spend in the library, and how many books you borrow about the devildom and kinds of demons. It made sense, you wanted to know the kind of creatures you were surrounded by.

he does wonder though, why one day you seem to be borrowing a lot of Solomon’s books and Solomon’s time as well. But then again, that makes sense too, you were both human after all. Maybe you would stop flinching and get even a little more comortable with someone your race around. When one of his tomes disappear, he interrogates Mammon because of course, it’s Mammon.

Asmo likes your style. It’s not particularly glamorous or eye-catching but it matches your aesthetic. He especially admired your choices in acessories. The amulet you’re always wearing is so pretty and he swears sometimes it almost glows. And your rings were peak Devildom fashion, sharp, edgy iron designs. But he especially adored the silver spike earring you wore.

He was both delighted and smug that he was the first one to get a little closer to you. But of course, how could you resist! You even complimented the perfume he was wearing and asked where he got it. And he directed you to his favorite oils and essences shop that supplied products and ingredients from every realm. And while applying some to your wrist he catches a glimpse of a tattoo peeking out from under your sleeve but you pull your hand away, bashful. Oh, he’ll get you to show him someday. Heehee.

Beel is curious how a human can eat so much. He’s been told human athletes apparently eat a lot to maintain muscle mass and strength and the like but looking at you, you didn’t seem the type to do anything strenuous. Except he does notice that when a demon bumps you in the hall, you’re not hurt or thrown off despite the size difference. And when you’re purposely knocked into by someone else, your reaction is fast, pivoting out of the way and behind the demon and you almost look like…

Nah. You weren’t going to attack him, you began to cower and apologize again and again until Mammon had to drag you way before it got any more embarrassing. The next time you pique his interest is at the gym in the house. You always make sure to go at a time when there isn’t anyone else and he happened to go after you. But it couldn’t have been you that just used that machine. Were you really capable of lifting that much?

Luke and Simeon are sympathetic, Simeon understands the discomfort and the adjustment and answers any questions you have about the brothers and how not to piss them off or placate them if ever you did make them angry. He answers your questions about RAD and the program but does wonder. Wherever did you get an angel relic like the one hanging from your ear?

Luke says you shouldn’t be afraid of those no good demons, if anything happens you can run to Purgatory Hall and they’ll help. He promises. He likes your company and starts up baking with you, teaching dishes and pastries. He tells you a lot about Michael and lets slip things about Lucifer and the brothers back when they were still angels. You don’t push him on the subjects but you do seem pretty interested.

it all came together, very easily. First the lights, Leviathan’s screams echo in the halls as he laments not having saved soon enough. Asmodeus’ whining about losing such good selfie lighting came next and both come out into the hall, yelling for their older brother. “Lucifer!”

If not for that, Lucifer probably wouldn’t have noticed, having been locked up in his firelit office since dinner was over. Heaving a sigh he gets up. All of the yelling told him the lights were out so how could he have expected the brilliant flash of white that burned his eyes when he opened his door. He stumbles, leaning on the door frame for support as footfalls race down the hall.

He growls, feeling his wings and horns materialize but something isn’t right. His vision doesn’t return and his skin starts to burn. In the air he catches the faintest scent of something he hasn’t smelled in a long time. Holy oil.

When the little light in the fridge fades, Beel thinks he may have fucked up. But then it turns out the whole house is out so it must just be some prank. He keeps eating, uncaring whether or not he identifies what it is he’s shoveling into his mouth. Then he smells it.

once upon a time he’d caught Luke with some kind of cookies from the celestial realm. And they were some of the best cookies he’d ever had in his existence. He could never forget that smell, so when it wafts through the air coming from the main hall, he follows. Drool begins to gather beneath his tongue.

He misses the sharp, metallic scent drifting beneath it.

Satan’s vexation spikes when his reading light goes out and his peace and quiet is distrubed by his idiot brothers. Mammon probably tried to turn the power off in Levi’s room to get him out so he can sneak in and steal his stuff again. But then Asmo starts yelling, and one cry from Lucifer rattles his bones.

It’s enough to get him on his feet. But what draws a gasp from him is the flash of lightning that gives him his sight for a moment. White lightning, an impossibility in the devildom’s ever red tinged sky. He goes to the window, knocking a stack of tomes over and unlatches it. But it doesn’t budge. Using the light on his D.D.D. he tries again but it just won’t open.

Outside Satan’s door heavy footsteps, thump along in a slow rhythm. Satan races to the door and Beel is there trudging along the carpet like a zombie, his nose perched in the air.

“Beel?! What the-? What are you doing?”

“Hey what’s the big idea!? Where are you guys!? Who’s doing that weird singing?!”

Mammon calls out into the mansions, just as confused as everyone else. Satan’s brows furrow; he didn’t cause this, then. He’s about to answer but Mammon yelps, and a resounding thwack has Satan grab Beel, and race towards the sound, almost stumbling over each other’s feet in the dark. They’re only guide is the ocassional flash of white and the sound of chanting growing louder as they grow near.

It is still pitch black but years of experience and spatial awareness tells him they’re in the foyer. Satan ventures out, almost tripping over something on the ground; it’s Mammon. He lays at the top of the steps, passed out. Satan is about to shake him awake when Leviathan and Asmo come out of a hall holding up Lucifer between them. Another flash. Lucifer’s demon form flickers in and out, smoke rising from his blistering skin. Satan freezes and Beel picks up Mammon in his arms.

“Satan! What the hell is going on!?” Levi calls out into the dark over the spell.

The chanting stops. So does the lightning and they’re plunged into complete darkness. They hear the sound of plastic and a baggie hits Beelzebub square in the chest, landing on Mammon’s stomach. “Cookies?”

He smells that first but then they recognise the other scent prominent in the air as blood.

Human blood.

“Wait, where’s MC?!” Asmo’s voice comes from the black. “Are they trapped somewhere?”

Someone laughs.

“Oh, you don’t need to worry about that.”

Lightning flashes again, bathing the foyer in glaring white. It’s only for a moment but their eyes are quick enough. It becomes clear where the stench of blood was coming from. “After all, I’m not trapped in here with you…”

Your eyes seem to glow, vacant of whatever fear or trepidation you’ve deceived them with for weeks. In your hand is the earring Asmo admired so much, the silver tip dripping red. At your side, your palm is sliced open, already clotting as you’ve used all you needed for the seal activating the devil’s trap around the entire house. Your sleeves are pushed up to the elbows the sigils and signs inked into your skin tasting air again after so long. As you place your hand on the seal they come alight. Your lips curl over your teeth.

“You’re trapped in here….with me.”

Solomon knows a demon slayer when he sees one. And he tells you right off the bat whatever you’re planning it isn’t a good idea. You’re outnumbered and overpowered by them.

but then he sees human world magic light up the skies and decides maybe it’s a good time to visit the House of Lamentations.

To be Continued….

The Riddler: What speaks without-

Nightwing: [holds up a hand] WAIT!

Riddler: Did you just inter-

Nightwing: [not paying attention] wait, shhhhh...is that?

Riddler: ...[whispering] what?

Nightwing: [super excited] The ice cream van! Sorry, Nygma we have to cut this short. Let me just- [throws a batarang at the doom-machine of the day, destroying it] Ok, see you! [takes off]

Riddler: I- but- [weakly] wait...

-

Riddler: [burst out of an underground elevator] My my, Hood, looks like-

Red Hood: [shoots him in the leg]

Riddler: [yelps and collapses]

Red Hood: No, go on. Looks like...?

-

Riddler: One knows the past, the other-

Red Robin: [on his phone] lame

Riddler: the -the other... Would you pay ATTENTION?

Red Robin: WoUlD YOu PaY AttENtION

Riddler: Rude

Red Robin: [still on the phone] Hi, is this Del Taco? I'd like to make an order-

Riddler: Are you seriously calling for TAKE-OUT now?

Red Robin: [glares at him] it's Del Taco

Riddler: SO?

Red Robin: [dead serious] they have fr e sh avoca do.

Nightwing: [shouting from a nearby roof] WHY ARE YOU ON PATROL YOU'VE BEEN UP FOR 50 HOURS GO TO SLEEP

Red Robin: [whispers to Riddler] Ssshhh, he doesn't know I'm here.

-

Riddler: Looks like I have the upper hand-

Robin: [gaze fixed on Riddler's foot] You stepped on a beetle.

Riddler: -and Batman- wait what?

Robin: [stabs a katana through Riddler's other foot] SHE WAS AN INNOCENT

Riddler: WHY DO YOU PEOPLE ALWAYS GO FOR THE LEGS

-

Batman: Riddler. So you're behind this.

Riddler: [steps into the light] Yes! And now- you're at my mercy!

Batman: ...what are you planning? What could you possibly have to gain from this?

Riddler: Well, I got you here, didn't I? Which mean I can finally tell you tO GET YOUR FUCKING KIDS UNDER CONTROL THEY'RE MEAN AND VIOLENT AND THEY KEEP IGNORING ME HOW ARE YOU SO GOOD AT BEATING UP CRIMINALS AND SO USELESS AT TEACHING YOUR CHILDREN COMMON DECENCY?? I WORK HARD! [to his henchmen] DON'T I WORK HARD?? AND FOR WHAT??

Batman: ...

Riddler: YOU'RE GONNA GO HOME AND HAVE A SERIOUS TALK WITH YOUR LITTLE BRATS ABOUT RESPECTING THEIR ELDERS OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL BLOW UP THIS CITY