Autism Masking - Tumblr Posts

Why I am afraid of sex

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I have no idea and all too many.

Fear of being seen

Fear of taking up space

Fear of not knowing what I am doing

Fear of not being perfect

Fear

It is the driving hindrance of my life.

I am afraid of everything because I do not understand everything

I find myself trapped in my own head

Desperately trying to understand.

I get turned around and stressed

Obsessively analyzing every single moment of it

Robotically approaching the situation

Trying to solve a formula

A combination

A puzzle that can be beaten

And then I will know it all

Never struggling again.

I need to be god

And achieve the impossible.

Sex is intimate

And that requires me to remove the mask

The mask that is the lie of me.

I pretend at being bold

Knowledgeable.

I play at being functional

And that I get every joke or innuendo.

I am great at seeming like I know what I am doing

But understanding alludes me.

Intimacy brings me face to face with myself

And that is something I have buried under a million miles of sedimentary masks.

I don't know how to be me.