I Hate It Here

I hate it here

Doctor Who universe characters/ situations as John Mulaney quotes (part two):

The Doctor introducing himself to all of his companion:

The fam telling their adventure with Thirteen:

Torchwood team when there is a rift spike:

The Master:

Jack Harkness:

Every person meeting the Doctor:

Four talking to Leela:

Ten when he has to turn into a human:

Eleven talking about River:

Ianto Jones (season one):

TORCHWOOD FANFICS TROPES AND STEREOTYPES

(Because lately I’ve read too many fanfics and I don’t know what to do with all that knowledge)

THE TEAM

- they never sleep apparently

- Always drinking Ianto’s coffee but at the same time always ask Ianto for coffee (?)

- When writers need some fluff to happen they use the phrase “the rift was strangely quiet that week, there was just a bunch of weevils to hunt” uh, how convenient.

- If I see another post countrycide fic istg

- Why there are so many coe fix-it and just a bunch of exit wounds fix-it?

- When a fic is post exit wounds there is always this angsty air around about hiring some new people (just write some fluffy before coe fic for my mental health please)

-The team either eats pizza or chinese, that’s it.

JACK

- he’s always horny (but that’s also in canon so idk)

- Doesn’t really pay that much attention to Gwen which is just because janto shippers are salty

- He’s either very angsty brooding on a rooftop or super happy without a reason, there’s no between

- Innuendos

- People only write about his ptsd after tytnw but never about his past :(

- If he doesn’t comment about Ianto’s suit is he really Jack?

- Goes looking for Ianto in the archives for S E X all the time

- Jumps in front of bullets for fun and Ianto is always grrrr

- “U canT unDerStanD immOrtalitY” or “I wouLd’T wiSh it On mY worsT enemy so no IANTO U CANT BECOME IMMORTAL”

- Hates paperwork, you wonder what did he do without Ianto before

TOSH

- She’s needed for checking CCTV and hacking but most of the time writers forget to characterize her :’(

- Ten times more shy around Owen than canon

- Apparently she’s Ianto’s BFF when in canon we have almost no scenes with them (I wish there were ugh)

- Pls write more about her that it isn’t in correlation with Owen or Ianto

OWEN

- I swear this man never calls Ianto by his name in fics, he only calls him Teaboy

- The phrase “He went into doctor mode” just appears whenever someone is hurt

- People forget to write him bi :(

- Owen/Ianto friendship fics are amazing and soft

- HE IS EITHER A F ASSHOLE or just a softie

- Write more about his relationship with Jack don’t forget them pls!

- Always doing some autopsies on weevils or a hoix

- Owen/Tosh in janto fics is also amazing

- He’s either Ianto’s big brother or cares about Ianto only for his coffee

- Where is his relationship with Gwen? No I don’t mean their sexual relationship, I mean their amazing friendship

IANTO

- Writers love to make him suffer (it’s me, I’m writers)

- Why does he blush so much in fics? I don’t remember him blushing that much in canon

- Apparently you haven’t tasted real coffee if you haven’t tasted Ianto’s

- The trope “Ianto’s has a secret” fic is so overdone but DAMN they’re all good so keep doing lord’s work writers

- Ianto in fics: I have a mask, I never smile, I’m a shadow.

Ianto in canon: so who wants Chinese :)? *laughs so much at the most random jokes*

- If I see one more post cyberwoman fic I’m gonna riot (also me: oh look! Post cyberwoman fic 🥰)

- Apparently this man always overworks himself and hasn’t eaten in months

- He spends so much time in the archives when in canon they rarely acknowledge his role as an archivist.

-stopwatches. that’s it.

GWEN

- Gwen bashers will invent the most crazy and ooc shit to make you hate her, when canon things she said/done are ENOUGH

- Let’s be honest when writers write her in love just with Rhys things are better (let’s not think about her I love you to Jack in S2)

- Apparently Rhys constantly cooks her amazing lasagne and she’s almost never there to eat them

- When there is Gwen/Ianto friendship I’m: 🥺

- When she actually puts her years in the police into torchwood work>>>

- She’s the mama hen of the group but is she really?

RHYS

- I love this man in fics and canon

-it’s hilarious anytime he doesn’t catch on jack/Ianto relationship

-he really loves Gwen

-he’s a saint really

JOHN

- fanon!John is usually really close to canon. Fic writers just have to decide if he’s the villain of their story or the helper.

- If he’s the villain then the other characters are literally fucked, villain!John is chaos and will shoot your favorite character

- If he’s the helper then he’s just a hornier Owen.

- Also he never calls Ianto by his name, Eye-candy is his go to.

SUZIE

- she’s a murdered, but fic writers love her. (She almost never shows up but when she does she’s probably the most interesting character in the fic)

Daleks: appear on earth after invading it hundreds of times

Humans: ok lol

Dalek: *are evil*

Humans:

Doctor Who universe characters as John Mulaney quotes (part one):

Twelve in Kill the Moon:

Simm!Master:

Clara Oswald:

Twelve after Clara asked how long was he in the confession dial:

Ten when someone mentions Rose:

Thirteen to the Master:

John Hart:

Jack Harkness:

Owen Harper:

Donna Noble to Ten: