Braveandunbreakable - BRAVEANDUNBREAKABLE - Tumblr Blog

finaly watching good omens for the first time! aziraphale having fun pretending to be a magician when he can do actual magic is ADORABLE

𝐂 𝐑 𝐎 𝐖 𝐋 𝐄 𝐘 ( an angel that did not so much ꜰ ᴀ ʟ ʟ as

𝐬𝐚𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐯𝐚𝐠𝐮𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐬 )

heeded by salem

☆ Put this star into the inbox of your favorite blogs. It's time to spread positivity!

omg sasha!! 🥺 you have no idea how happy i am to receive this. i uno reverse card you and all your blogs !! 💜

okay i had already put in my rules that i block all personals that follows me, but now i’m also blocking all personals that interact with (like, reblog) my content, period. with all the theft going on, that’s the only way i will find peace. i’m genuinely terrified of people claiming my work and my headcanons as their own. recently, i’ve had the same blogs spam liking my stuff (mostly headcanons) and it makes me paranoid.

i’m feeling grateful for all of you. i’ve grown so much as a writer in the last few years on this website. interacting with y’all gave me the confidence to begin writing my very own fantasy novel in december 2022 as a love letter to my queer self and my friends who never felt properly represented in books and medias. rping on here gave me a safe space to tell the stories i wish i had seen or read about growing up. and it’s been quite healing. and i’m grateful to every single one of you who followed me on this journey. love y’all <333

// i dreamed i had an azriel blog from a.cotar… and it gave me ideas

// every so often, the cops come knocking at our door because they’re looking for our neighbour who likes to steal random people’s bikes to go do errands and forget to give them back to their rightful owners. i’m convinced that every time a bike goes missing in town they always assume it’s him. and they are RIGHT.

STARTER CALL <3

mutuals, like this for a smoll starter from one of my muses. specify the muse you want the starter from and to which of your muse you want it for, if you have a multimuse. if you don’t specify, i will pick for you the one i think would fit hehe

alias: key

pronouns: she/her

height: 5'11 

sexuality: demisexual, polyamorous

favourite animals: cats, narwhals (because unicorns of the sea)

i am from: canada

account created in: june 2021 (for braveandunbreakable and this is where all my muses used to be)

blogroll: @veritasumbra (mor, az, az’s mom and rhys’ sister) / @lookscankll (genya) / @springtimehasreturned (ehri, mayu, makhi) / @twocleverfoxes (linnea, nikolai inactive) / @ullaofthewaves (ulla, duh!) / @kissedbyspirits (lissa, avery currently inactive) / @ofjewelblue (katherine low activity) / @hellsblood (sage, jessalyn) / @bloodmoonborn (nyx oc) @whisperofamemory (calypso mythology) / @hexbloodedthorn (thorn) these are all sideblogs attached to my main account

It's me, hi ! I'm the problem it's me ! At tea time, everybody agrees. I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror, it must be so exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero.

independent, highly selective and oc & crossover friendly CARDAN GREENBRIAR of Holly Black's The Cruel Prince. canon portrayal with some headcanon divergences. glamoured by chrissie.

SHATTERED DREAMS  a Nikolai Lantsov drabble exploring the inner conflict between love and duty 

❛ I’m sorry. ❜ Nikolai utters in the darkness as he’s leaning on the banister of the balcony. 

It seems he had spoken to the stars but, no, he’d spoken to the Sun. To Alina Starkov whom he knows has just walked in on him staring at the night sky. She needed a breather from the ball, he assumes. He’d recognize her footsteps amongst thousands. A skill that stems from his military training and his time serving in the infantry but also their time spent together traveling across Ravka and bringing hope to the people. 

❛ Pursuing you while your heart was somewhere else was disrespectful. ❜ He’d added on, turning to look at her. She looked absolutely stunning yet out of place and he was yet again feeling that pit in his stomach. 

He’d looked away, leaning back against the banister, unable to meet her gaze in his guilt. How could I do this to her? She doesn’t want any of this. How could he have thought of ever making her his Queen? Part of him was glad she had given him the Lantsov emerald back. 

Alina wasn’t meant for any of this. Saints! Even himself, sometimes, doesn’t want to be part of any of this. 

Sometimes –more often than he would admit– Nikolai Lantsov would long to be a simple man. He often dreamed of the days when he was just a boy. Days where he still had the illusion he was allowed to fancy and love whoever he wishes. 

His gaze falls on the guards patrolling down in the courtyard. One in particular. Isaak Andreyev. Isaya. A healthy constant in his life who’d managed to survive to this day. They’d barely spoken since he’d returned to the palace. Sure, Nikolai had been busy but the young king was also purposely keeping his distance. He couldn’t risk his feelings for his dear friend getting in the way of his great plan for Ravka. It didn’t mean his heart wasn’t breaking every step of the way, though. 

He exhales in a way that feels painful, as if he was injured. Alina hasn’t said a word and he somehow finds the courage to look at her. She stands by his side now and studies him, intently. 

Saints! When did she get so close? How long did he stare at Isaak? Cannot be THAT long, right?? It doesn’t matter. She’s here. So close, her shoulder brushes against his as he straightens to have a better look at the other one that got away. 

She knows he’s got more on his mind. She’s patiently waiting for him to unburden his soul. 

He indulges her. 

❛ As royalty, i do not have the luxury to choose whom I will marry. This choice will always be stripped away from me in favor of an alliance, in favor of Ravka, my very first love. For once, it finally felt like I had that choice, and in my—— enthusiasm, I ended up disregarding your feelings for Mal and his for you and it wasn’t respectful. And whilst I hope you can forgive me, I know that forgiveness is only for you to grant and no one else, Alina. ❜

Nikolai counts his heartbeats. One. Two. Three. Four—

Alina’s voice finally breaks the night. 

❛ I will forgive you, Nikolai Lantsov, on one condition… ❜ She begins before turning on her heels and leaving his side.

Nikolai, who has been hanging onto her every word, turns around to watch her as she walks back inside—— No. He finds it’s not the case. She stopped in the doorway.

He raises a brow. ❛ On what condition? ❜

❛ That you marry for love. ❜  

She smiles and his heart skips a beat. For a moment, he’s certain it’s daybreak already. Impossible. No. Improbable. Because it’s rarely dark when Alina Starkov is around. It gets dark when she says it does.

Then, reality catches up to him. He cannot promise something like that. He’s a king. His heart is bound by duty. Duty to Ravka.  

❛ I won’t make promises I cannot keep, Alina. ❜

It hurts him to even speak the words. He doubts love is even possible for him. So far, he’d only known unrequited love or one so toxic it had left permanent damages. He knows Isaak is neither, though. Isaak is good. Perhaps too good for him. He deserves someone who could be there for him the way King Nikolai Lantsov could never be. He cannot let him become another Dominik. Another sacrifice. Like his first love Dominik, Isaak was no ordinary friend. He was the one good thing that had come out of Halmhend. He was Hope. And much like his beloved Sun Saint, he reminded him of why he had been fighting so hard to make this world a better place for the people. The young king had seen many people die but Isaak had survived it all somehow. He had become a constant in his life. He was the phoenix rising from the ashes war had left in its wake. Just knowing he was alive somewhere brought him a sense of comfort like no other. And to say he wasn’t longing for his embrace would be a lie. Quite frankly, this constant tug of war between duty and heart’s desire was as painful as it was exhausting. But it had to remain. Ravka would always come first and his heart would always be aching for a closeness that couldn’t be.  

Alina shakes her head in disapproval and walks up to him again. 

❛ Nikolai, I see how you look at him— ❜ 

❛ I’m married to my country. ❜ He insists, knowing it is part of the truth. 

❛ Oh, please! Ravka is hardly a loving partner. ❜

❛ Ravka has her flaws, I’ll admit. ❜ He agrees with a slow nod. ❛ Which is why she demands my undivided attention. ❜

Alina sighs in exasperation. ❛ Do you want my forgiveness or not? ❜

❛ Yes, but— ❜

❛ Then do as I say. ❜

❛ Your request is unreasonable. ❜ He counters. He’s quick to suggest some other alternative. ❛ Are you sure you don’t want a mansion instead? Could be a lovely home for you and Mal and the kiddo and that cat you just adopted. Honestly, at that rate, you two are gonna need a mansion if you keep adopting all the orphans —humans or pets— you find. ❜ 

A fond roll of her eyes is all he gets for an answer before she stands in his way as he attempts to get inside to avoid the real conversation. Now, it’s his turn to sigh.  

❛ You’re insufferable, you know that? ❜

❛ I learned from the best. ❜ She says, holding his gaze, hands on her hips. 

He cannot help but smile at that. ❛ The best student I ever had. ❜

❛ I’m the only student you’ve ever had. ❜

❛ True. ❜ He admits with a smirk. ❛ But the best nonetheless. ❜

❛ Flattery won’t distract me. ❜

❛ Well, that’s unfortunate. I was hoping to save myself from another lecture about love, marriage and whatnot. ❜

Alina smiles, stepping forward. And he does something that surprises him: he takes a step back. There’s something about her, in this very moment, that reminds him of her stance when she faced Aleksander in the Fold.   

❛ Perhaps i haven’t made myself clear… I am quite disappointed in you, my king. ❜

Nikolai opens his mouth and, for once in his lifetime, no word comes out. He ultimately presses his lips together once more. Something stirs inside him at this display of dominance. He could swear the night grew darker all of a sudden. He locks gaze with her. Her brown eyes appear a few shades lighter, almost silvery somehow, which doesn’t make any sense considering there is barely any light around them. 

❛ Sasha..? ❜ 

Nikolai’s voice is but a whisper in the darkness. Fear and hope intertwined. No, this can’t be— Aleksander died in the Fold. Alina defeated him. You were there. You saw it. They burned his corpse, he cannot be—

Alina blinks, stepping backwards. ❛ What did you just call me? How— How do you know his name? ❜ She glances around. They’re completely alone. No sign of another presence. 

❛ Never mind. ❜ Nikolai breathes out, gesturing for her to forget what had just happened. 

He hadn’t realized he’d been holding his breath. What was he expecting? That Aleksander was really somewhat alive and possessing the Sun Summoner? That would’ve been a nightmare. And yet, some part of him aches to see the man once more. And he hates it.  

Alina shakes her head. ❛ No. Tell me… ❜  She snatches his wrist as he attempts to flee the scene. ❛ Did you find out when he turned you into a demon? ❜ 

Long before that, he thinks. But he doesn’t say. He can’t say. Can’t admit it. Can’t make it real. 

❛ Alina, please… ❜ 

Now, he’s pleading, begging for her to let that go. To let him go. Her touch doesn’t bring him the comfort it used to. It’s cold. Like never before. Like someone he knew, someone he wishes to forget… He shakes his head. No, he argues with himself. It’s just in your head. This is Alina. Her fingers are cold because it’s cold outside. But he’s still not convinced. There’s just something about the touch he can’t quite shake. He shudders. He wants her to let go, but he still cannot bring himself to yank his hand out of hers. 

Silence lingers between them. Eventually, Alina lets him go. He quickly finds the quietness of his room. His sanctuary. The only room where he gets to be utterly himself. He takes off his gloves, staring down at the only permanent damages Aleksander did to him. Or, at least, the last of many that is actually visible. The rest, he keeps hidden. 

He runs a shaky hand into his golden hair before pouring himself a small glass of kvas. Unlike someone he once knew too well, he hates the drink. But it’s the first bottle he managed to grab. 

He drinks it all in one go. He needs it. This is too much for one night. They won, Aleksander died, Alina killed him, she got her happy ending and, unlike her, Nikolai won’t ever get to marry for love and it seems his past is coming back to haunt him in the form of hallucinations. Because, apparently, the nightmares weren’t enough. His past had to torment him in his waking hours as well.  

Perhaps that’s why he loves Ravka so much. He, too, knows what it’s like to have been shattered both by war and Aleksander Morozova.

Reblog if you think asexuality is a legitimate sexuality.

I'm trying to prove something.

logging off tumblr for a while. i hope y’all have some happy holidays. remember to take good care of yourself. eat as much as you want and drink your freaking water. love y’all! <3

reblogging this cause i can. LOAF U TOO

DIBS

LUV U SO MUCH PENGUIN

send me a ‘dibs’ if you are ridiculously attached to me as an rp partner

no i love you more & am ridiculously attached to you too

queenofdarkestshadows​:

❝Calm down? CALM DOWN? Who do you think you are to tell me to calm down. I demand to be explained what the hell happened!❞ Zoya rised her voice and her hands, summoning enough wind to throw the young grisha boy, that had the unfortunate to be the one welcome her back home, across the Little Palace’s hallway. By the crowd had gathered in, watching curiously and whispering rumors.

She finally had lost it. Did he welcomed her wrong? What did he say? Maybe she was not flattered enough? Is angry Darkling left without awaiting her? Didn’t she had some relatives in Novakribirsk?

The voiced collided with one another and in the fury and annoyance Zoya summoned wind storm that amplified her shouting of. ❝Shut up!❞ The room instantly falls silent.

The Second Army had lost its glory. All that was left of it were mere crumbs. They’d all heard of what had happened at Novokribirsk. Most hadn’t believed it at first but The Darkling's absence had screamed the ugly truth. He wasn’t the savior they had expected. As for Alina—— she had been presumed dead and many greedy merchants had been quick to sell her remains or at least that’s what they’d told believers of the Sun Saint. 

Genya had stayed at the Little Palace. It wasn’t like she had much else to go anyway. She had no family left, at least no blood relative that she’d actually wished to ever see again. Her Otkazat'sya mother had always been terrified of what she could do. The Darkling had been the first to value her gift, the first she had ever considered family. When he gifted her to the Queen, she felt betrayed but that betrayal had been quickly forgiven because little Genya could finally taste happiness. Her gift was celebrated by her new mother figure and she could eat all the sweets she wanted and played with puppies but, most of all, she had two brothers: Vasily and Nikolai. Her joy lasted only four years though. Now, it merely felt like a fever dream. Today, it seemed Vasily didn’t care about anything but kvas, horses and games. Except that now he was also King of Ravka since Alexander’s early death, which Genya might’ve been involved in. And Nikolai—— Well, he hadn’t come back after his military service like he’d promised to and hadn’t written back to her in years. Last she’d heard, he was studying engineering at the University of Ketterdam.

Zoya’s entrance had been quite the spectacle. More than usual, Genya noted. Now, the room was silent. Genya stood far behind the crowd, next to David who was nibbling on the toast he’d kept in his pocket. The toast had been freezing cold by now but it was better than nothing. It seemed dinner would be served much later judging by all the commotion the squaller was causing. He felt Genya leave his side. He saw waves of flaming red hair cut through the crowd. His eyes widened behind his glasses and he almost choked on his toast as he witnessed the redhead tackle Zoya with a hug. What an odd evening, he thought, pushing back his glasses with his index finger.

Genya hugged Zoya as tightly as she could, burying her face in her raven locks. She was insanely happy to see this familiar face, even though the girl had always been so rough with her. She couldn’t tell why exactly but there’d always been something comforting in the spades Zoya was throwing at her. ❛ I’m so glad you’re back… ❜ Genya whispered to her ear before leaning back to look at the dark-haired beauty’s face. ❛ Things have been absolute chaos! I’d hate to say this but——  We need you, Zoya. The Darkling’s gone and Alina, she—— ❜ The redhead’s voice broke as she spoke of her former friend. She took a deep breath and kept going. ❛ They say she died in the Fold. Vasi— The King is talking about dismantling the Second Army. They don’t trust us anymore. Lots of us have nowhere to go… If— If they do kick us out, we’ll be hunted down like in the old days. ❜

queenofdarkestshadows​:

Zoya lips curled up into a confident yet mischievous smile. ❝I most certainly will….❞ The raven haired girl walked over to Genya and leaned in to give her a half a hug, and kissing her cheek like some close friend would do at goodbye. If it wasn’t so dramatically played, it would almost be believable. ❝…but it won’t have anything to do with faith or believe. Me, getting what I want is seal deal from the begging. There is no man..or a woman born yet to refuse my wishes. ❞ She smiled pulling away.

❝Thank you.❞ She added at least pointing at her perfectly healed skin and winked at Genya before turning away and walking out of the room with full queen supreme attitude.

Genya stiffens as Zoya embraces her. To say the gesture stunned her is an understatement. A hug. Saints! She hasn’t gotten a real one since Nikolai left for the army years ago. He’d hugged her like he was scared he might break her while she hugged him like she could’ve crushed his bones as he promised he’d come back. He never did. She’d even learned of Dominik’s demise over letters. Now, the Lantsov was supposedly studying engineering at the University of Ketterdam. He didn’t bother to write so Genya had given up trying to reach him pretty quickly. Perhaps he wasn’t even there to begin with. Perhaps he’d gone off the rails like Vasily did, with kvas and games. War did change a man. It changed everyone. Even once sweet gentle Genya. Perhaps Nikolai had also forgotten they were once like siblings, perhaps he was still mad she’d fessed up to Vasily about him leaving the Palace to go see Dominik on his parents’ farm. The latter wouldn’t have been part of the First Army draft if he hadn’t been disgraced and barred from the Palace. He would still be alive. Maybe. Maybe not. You cannot be sure. What she was sure of though was that Little Genya didn’t mean to send Dominik to his death, she was just jealous and afraid to lose yet another brother. She knows it’s no use to feel guilty about it now and yet—— 

Once the shock is gone, she manages to pat Zoya’s back, awkwardly, feeling the heat rush to her pale cheeks. Saints, she whispers inwardly. She knows that Zoya did it on purpose, like she always does anything, but she cannot help but lean into it, into the touch, for a second. Then, Zoya pulls back and thanks her (another shocker). The once well-spoken redhead just has time to blurt out a ❛You’re welcome.❜ before the stormy eyes beauty ultimately leaves, leaving her there, completely bewildered by what has just gone down.

  David walks just a few moments after, giving her a concerned glance. She waves the matter off and they resume back to their unsuspected date where they mostly talk about everything else but how they truly feel about each other.

MODERN AU SHENANIGANS

Nikolai got pretty wasted with Rasmus ( @iskron​ ) last night and apparently he drunk texted his ex Aleksander  

couronnez​:

❝ Maybe we should have. ❞

He laughs, a sound that slips so very easily over his lips. It hasn’t, in a long time, he missed it. Just .. living. Being himself and unapologetically so. The food is long forgotten, a minuscule thing on an evening like this, with her sitting vis-à-vis from him. Her presence was mesmerizing. Otherworldly capturing. A moment spent in quiet, with him just taking in her sight, the beauty of her face and then -

❝I have yet to find something I truly like. But … ❞

He leans forward, conspiratorially, his smile widening so easily, it was clear he was no stranger to doing so. Mischief gleams in his eyes. A desire. He wants her to like him. To meet the TRUE Vasily Lanstov. Not the CEO of Lantsov Corporation.

❝ Perhaps, you could show me? ❞

She might, she might not. It doesn’t matter. He is not keen on finding out whether he likes salad or not - as long as it is made by her he will eat it. That’s the whole deal. Flirting and flirting shamelessly but hiding it away with an expertise previously unknown to him.

Then the conversation turns serious again. It’s about her past. Her modeling career. Vasily understands the struggles, the pain. He knows what she must have been through, starving herself to stay thin. To stay photogenic. What nonsense. Vasily thinks he has never seen a prettier woman in his life before.

❝ You shouldn’t. Absolutely not. You’re perfect … ❞

HE DID NOT. He didn’t just say that, did he? Those few words. Vasily holds her glance despite it all. Feverishly. His blue orbs filled with desire. Need. Longing.

❝ Your- … your looks I mean. Impeccable.❞

He smiles, hides it insecurity behind a layer of charm. Suddenly he wishes for nothing more but his wine. To calm his nerves. His heart is racing behind his sternum, his chest aching with the stress of it all but he doesn’t care. Cannot care. Not when he is so mesmerized by the woman sitting across from him.

❝ Anyway … may I ask … what those pills are for? ❞

That laugh. It had startled her. In the right way. It was beautiful, genuine. Nothing she’d had expected from the all famous Vasily Lantsov who’d gotten so drunk years ago he’d spilled his drink on her sister Makhi who was his date at the time. I have yet to find something I truly like, he’d said. She’d thought it was sad at first, sad that he hadn’t yet found something he truly enjoyed. But then he had leaned forward as if to share a secret with her. Perhaps, you could show me? he had said. And she had known he wasn’t just talking about salads. She’d looked down, shyly, as a smile spread across her pink lips. ❛ Perhaps i will. ❜ She had uttered, fiddling with the corner of her napkin before she’d talked about her past. 

Toffee eyes were locked with blue ones. You’re perfect. Those are dangerous words. She slightly shifted on her seat, a nervous laugh escaping her. She didn’t know what to say or how to reply to this. Honestly, she didn’t think she was perfect. And didn’t aspire to be either. Not anymore. She knew he meant it well but something still stirred inside of her. It’s a compliment, the little voice whispered. Just take it and move on. ❛ Thanks. Many say the same about you, Mister Elected Most Eligible Bachelor of Russia. ❜ She ends up saying, hoping the smile and the teasing would dissipate her discomfort. He didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. Get over it!  But she can’t. Lips part again and she’s about to open up about the situation but he suddenly wonders about the pills. ❛ Oh. ❜ She says, picking up the little pill box. She’s relieved. This is something she can talk about without tiptoeing. ❛ Those are Plavix. Well, blood thinners. I take them to prevent heart diseases. I’ve had issues with my heart in the past and had surgery to fix it. ❜ She explains. She is totally open about it. No shame, no discomfort. She’s at ease. ❛ I’m okay now though. Well, i still need to be careful but with the medication i can pretty much live my life as fully as before. ❜ She smiles. A reassuring one. She wants to reassure him. Let him know that she’s alright now and won’t die on him or anything, since she knows a lot of people get scared off whenever she speaks up about it.

just thinking about my sun summoner nikolai being treated like ravka’s savior in public by his parents meanwhile he suffers the same discrimination they give grisha behind closed doors… 😭

@summonsun 

❛ I’m surprised Baghra ever told anyone about me, let alone Sankta Alina of the Fold. ❜ Ulla gestures for the guards to let go of the one they called the Sun Saint.    ❛ I suppose i should be flattered but i know better. No Grisha come to me without a bargain to strike. ❜ The sorceress turned around, climbed the few steps that led to their icy throne and sat back in it gracefully. ❛ Now. Little sun, tell me what is it that you want from me that’s worth bracing the northern islands of Fjerda, a place where humans rarely ever come back from. ❜               

couronnez​:

Vasily’s glance flicks to the pill box before her on the table, surprised at how casually she was handling the situation. If he would have to take any kind of medication, he’d likely feel ashamed like no other. He admires her for it. It’s brave. It’s probably just a normal task for her but he finds himself drawn to her more and more as he thinks about it. This smile is reserved for her and her only, no one else has ever seen him this charming before. He isn’t Nikolai but he knowns his way around such situations. He grew up with him after all. That’s why he notices the waiter’s stares, too. He was looking at her like he had done too the first time he’d met. All hearts in his eyes. Jealously rises in him quietly, feeling offended that the other man would even dare to gaze at his date in such an affectionate way. His attention switches back to her as she orders, deciding to ignore the waiter for now, not wanting to get into an argument on his first time taking out someone in a long time. Seafood. She’s allergic to seafood. Just like that he knows what he is going to avoid from now on.

Vasily is just short from lashing out as he watches the waiter continue to sweet talk, glad beyond measure that she doesn’t seem to realize the vain attempts of his.

She’s here because of you.

He thinks and knows that it’s the truth. He could offer the world and if not all of it, he had Russia. That ought to be enough.

I tend to get thirsty when I’m nervous.

Vasily melts at those words. Just like that he’s gone. Smiling. His bright blue eyes afire, brimming with enthusiasm.

❝ I’ll have the same. ❞

No thank you. No please. Vasily only has eyes for Ehri and when the waiter is finally gone, he leans forward slightly to talk to her.

❝ I think I am gonna have some of that water, too. ❞

An attempt to make her feel at ease. Show her safety. Show her a bit of the vulnerability he rarely ever allows himself to wear.

❝ At least a bit of healthiness because I don’t like salads.❞

Vasily has been called a silly toddler by Nikolai several times because he’s the person to pick the greens out of his food. If there’s a remotely vegetable looking shape on it, he will not eat it. Blame his upbringing for it but his father had done it the same way.

He gifts Ehri another one of his smile’s and settles back into his chair.

Ehri has no shame regarding her illness. When you spend years thinking you were fine only for your own heart to let you down, you learn a thing or two about vulnerability. When you’re forced to slow down, be anchored to a bed and look Death in the eyes, suddenly there’s no room for playing pretend anymore. You just get to be utterly vulnerable, utterly yourself. At first, it is terrifying, paralyzing. To let people see you that way. Pale as death, struggling to even breathe. You can do nothing else than stare at the ceiling and think. Think about all the time you’ve wasted pretending your life away. About how many times you said i’m fine, thank you but never meant any of it. When you have to rely on people for your basic needs, you eventually learn to accept the help of others, to welcome it. Ehri won’t pretend anymore, not when it comes to her health. She can pretend she likes Business Management and Economics until she’s done with college, until she manages to gain some independence. This internship is her very first job since her days as a model. And she’d like to believe her impeccable grades got her this position but she’s also aware Tatiana Lantsov and her mom Keyen Kir-Taban have been talking. Talking marriage and grandkids. The other day she was supposed to have a date with Nikolai Lantsov at the Lantsov mansion. Date he canceled (thank god!) because of a family emergency, something about his cousin Rasmus falling down a staircase. And now—— Well, now, she was sitting at a table in a fine Italian restaurant on a date with Vasily Lantsov, CEO of Lantsov Corp AND Nikolai’s brother. What a weird funny universe she had just walked in. She wasn’t complaining though. 

He’ll have the same, he says. No please. No thank you. She would’ve thought it was rude of him—— if she didn’t see his blue eyes afire like that. Damn. She catches her breath. Am i doing this? I—— I haven’t done anything. I’m not even trying. He’ll take some of that water. She smiles at that, understanding that’s his way of saying he’s nervous, too. Adorable.  ❛ Maybe we should’ve order two then. ❜ She teases, feeling more at ease already. She wonders if he really likes the paccheri al forno or if he was just too wonderstruck by her just  e x i s t i n g  that he couldn’t come up with another order. She also notes that he didn’t take seafood either, like he was planning to at first. Because he wants to be safe. Because he wants ME to be safe. And she smiles at that too. Out of the blue. Because that thought alone makes her all fuzzy inside. And, just like that, she forgets she’s an intern and he’s the CEO. They’re just two nervous people on a date sharing a meal together and getting to know each other. He says he doesn’t like salads and she’s genuinely curious. ❛ Well, i cannot blame you for that. Lettuce on its own is pretty boring. There’s various types of cold dishes you might like though, if you’re willing to try. You just have to find the right fit for you. ❜ Her voice is soft and her tone not at all moralizing or patronizing. She isn’t there to turn him into a veggies lover. She just lets him know that the options are there and he can explore if he wishes to. No pressure. ❛ I’ve been on various diets in the past. Some of them I'm not really proud of…❜ She pauses, fiddling with the corner of her napkin. Being a model isn’t as glamorous as the magazines made it out to be. The industry is slowly killing its people with drug usage and insane diets and poisoning the youth with unrealistic beauty standards. She got rid of those habits though. The meal skipping thing, the eating disorder. She didn’t have the choice. With her health condition, it would’ve killed her. That’s a great wake up call there. Death. At least, for her, it was enough. You don’t want to die before your twenties. Especially if there’s a way you can avoid it. ❛ But i’ve learned from those experiences. And i’ve found that the best diet is eating what you love. One shouldn’t look at their plate and think ugh not again or ugh disgusting. I know i won’t be thinking that when i see my plate. And i won’t be feeling guilty about ALL THAT CHEESE either.❜ She giggles, toffee eyes gleaming with pure joy. 

heavenvessel​:

this was not normally benjamin.   he was soft spoken,   barely confident enough to ask the people he liked out.   truly,   all of this can be tied back to one person.   ezra and his damn pep talks and sneaky shots of tequila which could surely open up anyone given the chance and/or opportunity.   with liquid courage boosting his morale on top of all the shit talking on ezra’s behalf,   benjamin felt like he could face anything,   that he could be atlas and carry the world.   well,   immediately that’s cut short at mayu’s response.   eyes slow blink as if he were trying to regain his composure,   his confidence being swayed just a touch.    “  do you…   oh….  ”    was all benjamin could make out,   entirety of face bloomed in reds and pinks.    “  you don’t feel the same,   do you?  ”

I don’t know if i can feel at all. But she doesn’t say. They don’t blame him for shooting his shot, even though there are dozens of other mostly drunk people in the room that would’ve take him up on his offer. Why me? Anyway. Alcool does that to people. It makes them feel invincible. She knows. She’s seen it happened. A lot. Especially on colleges campuses. It’s not the first one they’ve been too. They’ve moved around a lot. They never stay for too long. She didn’t mean it to be rude. To them, it was just a blurted out fact. She’s on edge. All this partying around them makes her like that. But her assignment enjoys those events and so she follows. It felt only natural for her to accept Benjamin’s invitation since she was already going anyway. They exhales, sitting their glass of soda down. ❛ Benjamin, we meet once a week for photography class. How— How could you feel—— this way about me? ❜ She tilts her head to the side as her brown eyes observe his features, intently. They genuinely doesn’t understand how this can be happening, how someone like him could be interested in someone like them. ❛ What do you know about me besides my name and the fact i know how to use a camera? ❜

Yes, Mayu whispers inwardly. Yes, it would. They can’t afford distraction while someone’s life literally depends on her. But he doesn’t know that and probably never will. Because they won’t open up. Opening up means being vulnerable, it means letting people see you, really see you, and she doesn’t want to be seen. She chooses to be someone else’s shadow, be the reason they are still breathing because that’s the only way she manages to get through it all. Work, obligations, duty. Anything to keep their mind busy. Take that away and she collapses.

i’d let you break my heart if it meant one kiss.

They almost huff at that but do not withdraw despite the fact Benjamin is clearly getting closer. ❛ I’ve broken plenty of hearts without permission. ❜ She replies, as a matter of fact. It is true after all. They never meant to hurt anyone though. Unrequited feelings happen. That’s life. And she doesn’t get why people go for them. She’s not soft nor sweet. Hell! They’re everything but.

“  would it really be so bad to give it a shot?  ”    benjamin licks his lips,   shuffling a little closer.   eyes of brown locked on the other,   breath hitching in his throat.   he can’t exactly explain the science behind his thought process right now,   perhaps he didn’t even have one.   all he knew is he wanted to kiss them.    “  i’d let you break my heart if it meant one kiss.  ”

muse:    benjamin ‘benny’ harte.   student, part time worker, and artist on the struggle.   pure baby energy. based on:    benny wanna kith your muse.   he down BAD.   a SIMP

couronnez​: 

The fine Italian restaurant he has chosen for the occasion is just perfect for a date an apologetic invite to drink a cup of coffee turned dinner, the view breathtaking through the tall windows, city lights glimmering in the distance.

❝ Only every now and then. The food is excellent but I don’t have the time to eat out. ❞

If she knew more about his eating habits, she’d be devastated, he figured because Vasily doubts anyone manages to eat more junk than he does. He is lean and athletic, his build does not betray him. Broad shoulders, narrow hips, a muscular chest. The picture perfect portray of a Lantsov as his mother used to say.

❝ Please, pick whatever you’d like. The pasta is phenomenal. ❞

He returns her smile, easily summoning as much charm as he can muster while studying the menu himself. He finds himself leaning towards Seafood. Cozze? Or rather vongole? A waiter passes them by and Vasily makes a quick gesture, stopping the man in track.

❝ Could we get a bottle of Verdicchio, please? ❞

This wasn’t at all the coffee experience she expected. Is she disappointed though? Hell no! Every dish on the card looks absolutely exquisite. Even the seafood. She isn’t gonna eat any though. That would take her breath away, literally, and Vasily’s doing a great job at that already. That smile… Does he give it to all his interns? she cannot help wondering. While he asks the waiter for a bottle of wine, Ehri plunges her hand in her purse, pulling out a pill box, which she displays on the table. That way i won’t forget, she thinks. Usually, she puts an alarm on her phone but she didn’t want to disturb the date whole restaurant so she turned it off before entering the place.

❛ Absolutely. And what will we be serving you tonight to accompany such fine wine?❜ The waiter barely looks at the man. His gaze is all on the pretty brunette sitting across.  

❛ I would like a paccheri al forno, please. ❜ Ehri says, smiling at him as she puts down the card on the table. Then, she purses her lips together as she closes the menu. ❛ Um, just to be sure—— There’s no seafood in it, right? I’m allergic. I mean, it’s fine if people eat it around me, I just can’t ingest it myself. ❜ She wanted to make sure Vasily understood he could eat the seafood if he wanted, it’s just that she wouldn’t be joining him or kissing him after.

❛ No, madam. No seafood in this dish. I guarantee you it is a safe option.❜ The waiter smiles at her. The kind of smile that lets you know they are interested in knowing you, personally. That’s a bold move to do when the person you’re trying to flirt with is clearly on a date but, oh well, bold doesn’t mean wise. ❛ May i add it is a great choice. You won’t be disappointed. ❜ 

Ehri is completely oblivious. She just thinks he’s being helpful and polite, like a good waiter. ❛ Well, thank you. So far, i’m very satisfied with my experience. ❜ Another smile. A polite one. Nothing flirtatious about that but the waiter seems to read something else. Again, she’s totally oblivious. ❛ Oh! i’ll have a carafe of water as well, please. I tend to get thirsty when i’m nervous. ❜ Did she just say that last bit out loud? Yep. You did, her brain confirms as it replays the scene. Dammit. She wants to facepalm herself right now but that wouldn’t help make it less awkward. Instead, she settles for a nervous laugh while the waiter turns to Vasily, asking him his order.