Simon Having Gender Dysphoria And Questioning His Gender Is Something I Am Living For Right Now /hj

Simon having gender dysphoria and questioning his gender is something I am living for right now /hj

-🩶👻

We have a kind of similar issue, from what I’ve heard from other alters that is.

We’re mostly doing a “we know we have this disorder, but we know that we won’t check literally every box because human brains are complex and shit like that” so our hosts do research on their own about DID as a whole, get a bit dissociated, or even start fake claiming themselves because of the fact that we don’t check every box.

So, over here anyway, we’re doing two things: just living with it and not worrying about it too much (and attempting to hide it from others because we’re currently not in a safe physical environment for systems), and we’re also doing our own research in our own system specifically. Like, writing down things we notice.

For example, we have something we call “voice glitches.” It’s always a little stutter where you accidentally say two words at once, or repeat yourself like a normal stutter, even if you don’t have one. It’s always a sign that we need to pause and think for a second before continuing to speak, or that a huge wave of dissociation/rapid switching might come if you’re in the front.

Another thing is how we all share dreams. Whole system has the same dream.

Or how they’re just a little tv where we can watch imaginary shit.

So many interesting things that we’ve noticed and written down and doesn’t cause us dissociation. However, it’s also stuff our hosts have been scared to share due to fearing being fakeclaimed and people just… not relating to our experiences. (Also seen so much about system in-fighting that none of us relate to at all because we have alters whose job is to be a mediator and help with conflict, so hosts keep fake claiming themselves because of that too funnily enough :/ )

But yeah. That’s just my two cents :)

-🎭

Something minorly infuriating is the fact that im pretty sure im still not supposed to “know” about DID.

I’ve known for years about our DID, and ive done a ton of reasearch and looked into so many different things, and interacted in/been around so many different system spaces.

But every single time, without fail, even years later, if i spend a bit too much time reading about/hearing about/thinking about/etc. etc. DID, i get super disassociated and get a massive headache, and i have amnesia surrounding those moments a lot. I dont know if its another alter, or what, it doesnt feel like it.

But that gets super annoying because we have this disorder, and its so much of who we are, who i am that this happens so much, because this disorder affects every part of our life. But spending to much time even thinking about it dissociates us and gives us a massive fucking headache for hours.

Its like even though i know about our DID, im not supposed to know about it, yk? And that gets super annoying. Because its most of who i am.

anyways its really kicking our ass tonight because reasons, so i just wanted to yell about that. Let me know if you have any advice/relate at all/vnf

-host

Just realized that Blue never shared the holiday card they made for the system… so… here it is!! :D

Yes this is what the front looks like to us. And yes it’s always this crowded, but there’s more space behind the couch we promise.

People pictured (from left to right top to bottom), we have: Death☠️, Simon📖, Blue🍓, Toast🍞, Ghost🩶👻 (me), Sebastian, Blueberry🔵, Jayden🧸, Sophie🐹, David💊, Andras⛈️, Miyo🌸, and Kiyoka💥.

Happy (late) holidays everyone!

Do any other hosts feel like they… robbed their headmates of having an actual life? Especially since I didn’t know I was a system until almost 6 months ago. It… feels like all this time I’ve spent fronting has been robbing my headmates of the chance to feel like they actually exist and have a life outside of headspace, and possibly feel like this life is theirs too.

Because I’ve been talking with my headmates and… we started talking about our life, the trajectory we’re taking, yada yada yada (jfc we’ve done a lot of self-reflection today as a system), and… they mostly go along with what I say. Except for Ghost, but only because he’s also a host and makes major decisions as well. But… it feels like they don’t get as much of a choice as they should, and they said it’s mostly mine and Ghost’s decisions to make since we’re the hosts.

I just feel so fucking selfish right now and my headmates keep telling me it’s fine. I just… I don’t know what to do…

-🍓

[Text: This system frequently has multiple alters fronting and it gets confusing. Please be patient.]

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