Drowninginnightmares - Lost In Thought - Tumblr Blog

My mother took my hand and told me the other day she had expected me to be someone different when I grew up. She smiled and said it gently. Said I wasn’t bad or anything but she had just expected something else.

But I could tell looking her in the eye that she had expected better. The way she had to pause before every, different, and the letter b would drip off her tongue before she stopped. There was a longing in her eyes for a different daughter. Someone she looks for in each and every girl my brother brings home. And what I am lacking. They all have.

Who I was starting to learn to love wasn’t enough.

I’m starting to hate touch.

I think my dad stopped loving me the day he realized I was turning into him.

We talk about needing love as children but what about the children who grew up with love but had it taken away as soon as their parents realized they were more like themselves than they could love.

Hey, stop scrolling.

Everyone who is reading this: I’m so glad you’re alive. I’m so proud of you. You are loved. I’m here. Don’t give up, we’re almost there.

Pass it on.

Have you ever wanted something so much it hurts?

And I don't mean wanting something someone else wants, so the fear of disappointing them makes you crave it just so you don't let them down.

No I mean craving something you want .

Have you ever experienced that?

I have never till today. And I'm so scared I'll lose that, but even my fear of disappointing people with what I want isn't gonna stop me this time cause I've never wanted something like I want this. So I'll keep trying till I get it.

There's no other option.

Have you ever looked at someone and thought I wanna love you.

I wanna love you when you're in so much pain you don't know what to do with yourself. When you are in so much pain, I feel like I feel it too.

I wanna love you when you are happy. So happy it's like the sun has settled beneath your skin, and I have to squint so I can see you because you're too beautiful to look away from.

I wanna love you when you're angry and venting.

I wanna love you when you're calm and we are bored together. When life is outside, our window passes us by like spilled molasses. Sticky and syrupy sweet.

I just wanna love you.

I wanna love you in the morning when your face is puffy and your hair is a rats nest.

I wanna love you when we're grocery shopping and fighting over what brand of chips to buy.

I wanna love you even when loving you is hard, and it would be so much easier to not love you anymore.

I wanna love you even when our love fades.

I wanna love you even when I no longer love you.

I want our love to be a choice and an obsession.

I wanna love you with an intensity that scares me.

Don't give me some pretty words wrapped up in a bow.

Give me your most hated emotions shoved in a box wrapped in barbed wire.

Make me mourn with you.

Make me feel you pain, cut me on the edge of your desperation to change what's already carved in stone.

Make me scream with heartbreak.

Make me feel.

Do you ever look at someone and realize all the different ways you could fall in love with them?

But you know that you would never be the kind of love they deserve.

I told you I can't sleep. It feels like I'm having a perpetual panic attack that won't stop. I can't breathe, I can't think. Nothing wrong has happened, but my brain is trying to convince me I've broken everything.

I hurt.

I'm living in a future that's not even here yet, and I'm terrified of it.

They dug me a grave and expected me to thank them. Then they buried me alive with a smile.

" She was my Juliette."

" She loved you?"

"I never said I was her Romeo."

Nothing so beautiful could ever be so sweet unless it rots your teeth, kills your beast, and swells your feet.

And he said, " Why don't you find someone to love you if you're so desperate to be loved."

"We're all made of stardust,'' they say.

But I want to dance in the stars, collecting stardust between my toes. Sprinkling golden fairy dust with every step. I'll leave a trail of wonder and mystery behind me. Where oh where do the stars lead me?

Maybe the night will devour us whole. Chasing a hunger that will never be satiated.

Will you whisper secrets at sunset with me?

I promise I'll only tell you the good ones, maybe then you won't leave

I had a dream about bread

I think I cried over it

Fuck, it was good bread

I am a flower, learning how to bloom.

There's a beauty in being forgotten. If only I could find it.

I hoard my interests, I'm too afraid to tell others for fear of what they might say, in my mouth under my tongue. They are as heavy as stones. My jaw aches.

" I'll love you till the stars die", she says.

The stars are already dead.

They say we're made of stardust of beauty and myth. I think I was made with the tears of the damned instead.