I Remember Watching This 4 Or 5 Years Ago. I Didnt Want To See, Hear, Or Acknowledge It Because Her Experiences

I remember watching this 4 or 5 years ago.   I didn’t want to see, hear, or acknowledge it because her experiences were eerily familiar.  But I kept watching, and that voice kept screaming.

He was in earshot.  He laughed at the burger part.

There were weeks where I would go without taking a deep breath lest I make too much noise and attract attention to myself. Being in an abusive relationship means trying to live as silently as possible, creeping about, mastering the art of crying silently and stifling the voice screaming in your head.

He left me a voicemail telling me he'd forgiven me and he'd like to give me my things back as a sign of good faith. That was enough to shake me up a bit, but, of course, he always pulls through to set me straighf again. Not even 24 hours later.

If I ever say something like this ^ again, link me to this:

I am ashamed that i am inches away from contacting him today.

Amazing.

Tried a self defense course tonight. Realized i am not ready to have people touch me.

Particularly not cishet white men. And particularly not around the throat.

I have no idea why taking steps to heal has to be so damn hard.

I have my group therapy intake tonight. I’m feeling sick.

“An abuser tries to keep everybody—his partner, his therapist, his friends and relatives—focused on how he feels, so that they won’t focus on how he thinks, perhaps because on some level he is aware that if you grasp the true nature of his problem, you will begin to escape his domination.”

— Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men