Tried A Self Defense Course Tonight. Realized I Am Not Ready To Have People Touch Me.

Tried a self defense course tonight. Realized i am not ready to have people touch me.

Particularly not cishet white men. And particularly not around the throat.

I don't really have any combative training experience, but it it strikes me as irresponsible to be grabbing your students by the throat in the first 15 minutes of your first class.

You're teaching self defense. To women. Does it not seem likely you'll have some trauma survivors?

Tried a self defense course tonight. Realized i am not ready to have people touch me.

Particularly not cishet white men. And particularly not around the throat.

I have no idea why taking steps to heal has to be so damn hard.

I have my group therapy intake tonight. I’m feeling sick.

I am ashamed that i am inches away from contacting him today.

I am not terribly social at work, but i used to be on friendly terms with one of my coworkers before they switched employers. Two years ago their spouse had an accident; the spouse and a friend blew up a shed they were inside of.

I don't know the story well mostly because the two didn't remember much of what happened. They were using propane for something and one of them absentmindedly lit a joint. Both were lucky to be alive.

My response when I found out was probably normalish:

" I'm so sorry! That must have been so scary! Are they ok? Are you okay? Are your kids okay? Is there anything you need? How can I help?"

His response? "What a fucking moron. You can't be friends with someone who chooses to continue to be with that idiot."

So he wanted my friend to leave their partner while they were laying in a hospital bed after having been thrown 30+ feet by an explosion. Burnt, broken and taumatized. All because one of them made an error and as if the horrifying consequences of that mistake weren't sufficient 'punishment,'

And my friend who spent the subsequent weeks healing and helping their lover get back on their feet was an "idiot" and a "fool". And was " no friend of [mine]."

If that doesn't summarize his capacity for compassion I don't know what would.

Spring awakening

It's beginning to warm up a little, and that does have a tendency to help pull me out of a rut. I had the windows open a bit and was enjoying the fresh, cool air.

Until, of course, I heard the sound of his motorcycle in the neighbourhood. At least I think it was his. I got accustomed to recognizing the different hums each machine made, and I could pick his out easily enough last summer.

The sound used to thrill me; now it brings me nothing but dread and reminds me how easily he could appear out of nowhere this season. So much for a pick-me-up.

The windows are closed again.