Another Checkpoint

Another Checkpoint

Five years out of that house today.

Took two more to rid him from my life.  As of tomorrow it has been 156 weeks no contact.

Life is completely different, and I am so utterly grateful.

That ain’t love, my friends.

‘You fell in love with my flowers & not my roots, so when autumn came you didn’t know what to do.’

My broken heart

I've been alive 35 years today, which is at least 4 more than I was expecting.

I haven't slept much this week and it's affecting me: my mind is scattered, it's hard for me to remember things, stay focused and get things done. These are things that can be challenging for me on a good day, so in exhaustion I don't function well..

He kept me in this state for nearly two years.

How the fuck did I survive him?

More on him being disgusting

This adds more to the “shitty person who doesn’t care about other human beings especially those in positions he considers inferior” column.

He blew his nose into a FABRIC napkin at a restaurant.  AT THE TABLE. I was so mortified at the thought of our server having to open that up to throw into the laundry that I actually said something.

I told him it was gross, and he should be going to the bathroom to blow his nose INTO TISSUE.

He got so angry with me that he left me in a dramatic and humiliating fashion.. Conveniently I also got to to pick up the tab that he’d racked up. He messaged me about 30 minutes later telling me he was a block away and that he didn’t want to pull up in front to pick me up.

He was embarrassed and couldn’t go back there again because I had made him act so poorly.

Double Standards Series - Episode 5

He could be pretty gross.  

His belching ranged from ground shaking to ear piercing.  He farted anywhere he liked, and as loud as he wanted.  He would hock loogies all the time.

This is all forgivable.  Human beings are disgusting.

The problem was, that it wasn’t forgivable for me to be human.  One time, I had snot on the outside of my nose in public, and he made such a big deal about it so other people noticed to embarrass me.

I didn’t fart in his presence.  Ever. I would go outside, or go to the washroom, or go to any room away from him where he wouldn’t hear it.  

Still anytime there was ever a bad smell, it was always be my fault.  He would look at me with disgust on his face and say my name with disdain.  He would then accuse me of lying and force me to apologize when I insisted that I didn’t ‘do it.’ It was extra special if he could do it in public.

This might sound trivial, but it was a big part of my life.  And it was humiliating. I had to fit into a neat and tidy and wholly unrealistic image of femininity that meant that I couldn’t even be comfortable in my home.  

It reminded me how completely inept I was at being a woman and a wife.