Double Standards Series - Episode 5

Double Standards Series - Episode 5

He could be pretty gross.  

His belching ranged from ground shaking to ear piercing.  He farted anywhere he liked, and as loud as he wanted.  He would hock loogies all the time.

This is all forgivable.  Human beings are disgusting.

The problem was, that it wasn’t forgivable for me to be human.  One time, I had snot on the outside of my nose in public, and he made such a big deal about it so other people noticed to embarrass me.

I didn’t fart in his presence.  Ever. I would go outside, or go to the washroom, or go to any room away from him where he wouldn’t hear it.  

Still anytime there was ever a bad smell, it was always be my fault.  He would look at me with disgust on his face and say my name with disdain.  He would then accuse me of lying and force me to apologize when I insisted that I didn’t ‘do it.’ It was extra special if he could do it in public.

This might sound trivial, but it was a big part of my life.  And it was humiliating. I had to fit into a neat and tidy and wholly unrealistic image of femininity that meant that I couldn’t even be comfortable in my home.  

It reminded me how completely inept I was at being a woman and a wife.

Double Standard Series - Episode 1

Example 1.  When we were still teenagers, he had a bearded dragon. One of its favourite things to eat was mixed greens.

He made me wash and scrub each leaf individually.  An entire package of this shit.  It would take me over an hour.

On a rare occasion where he volunteered to do the cleaning, I walked in on him washing the lettuce en masse in a colander. You know, the way any other reasonable person would.

I asked why I was forced to clean it in such an over-the-top way. He told me that I was inherently lazy and that if he didn’t give me very specific, detailed, and meticulous instructions that I would slack and his animal would die.

He was protecting his animal and making me a better person at the same time.  He was insulted that I didn’t see it that way.

The flashbacks have eased some over the last 3.5 years. So last night startled me.

She and I are lying in bed winding down watching tiktok on my phone. She reached over me to take my phone out of my hand for some reason and her harm put a bit of pressure on my radius bone ( top of my forearm).

I shouted "Stop!" very intensely and very suddenly. My body went in full rigid alert mode, and she shrunk back like a wounded animal.

I thought about it for a second. He used to grab my arms there and squeeze. It was so painful and I felt so helpless. He'd also grab me there to shake me. There were always little finger shaped bruises on my forearms back then.

I apologised for the sharp response and I explained why it happened. She says she understands, but she blames herself for my reaction

How could she have known something so benign would have triggered a trauma response?

I feel terrible.

Au revoir

The memories feature on Facebook can feel like a kick to the stomach sometimes.  But they can also remind you that you were brave enough to take out the trash.  Even if it took you a little longer than it should have.   

turns out my life purpose isn’t supposed to be as small and silent and accommodating and convenient as possible

Another Checkpoint

Five years out of that house today.

Took two more to rid him from my life.  As of tomorrow it has been 156 weeks no contact.

Life is completely different, and I am so utterly grateful.