Enoughdonegone - It's Not Fine.

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Double Standards Series - Episode 5

He could be pretty gross.  

His belching ranged from ground shaking to ear piercing.  He farted anywhere he liked, and as loud as he wanted.  He would hock loogies all the time.

This is all forgivable.  Human beings are disgusting.

The problem was, that it wasn’t forgivable for me to be human.  One time, I had snot on the outside of my nose in public, and he made such a big deal about it so other people noticed to embarrass me.

I didn’t fart in his presence.  Ever. I would go outside, or go to the washroom, or go to any room away from him where he wouldn’t hear it.  

Still anytime there was ever a bad smell, it was always be my fault.  He would look at me with disgust on his face and say my name with disdain.  He would then accuse me of lying and force me to apologize when I insisted that I didn’t ‘do it.’ It was extra special if he could do it in public.

This might sound trivial, but it was a big part of my life.  And it was humiliating. I had to fit into a neat and tidy and wholly unrealistic image of femininity that meant that I couldn’t even be comfortable in my home.  

It reminded me how completely inept I was at being a woman and a wife.

That ain’t love, my friends.

‘You fell in love with my flowers & not my roots, so when autumn came you didn’t know what to do.’

My broken heart

I am burning out.

My partner and I have a key phrase that I say to indicate that she needs to make a decision without discussing it with me further.

Decision making can still make me break out into a cold sweat.