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thanks for being around, you're really cool as a matter of fact

Idk who you are but I appreciate this so much. Thank you anon <3

I'm posting this on my less active blog for my sanity and also for maybe less attention it something idk.

Tw for sexual assault and rape.

Don't read past if those can trigger you or you just don't wanna read it. If you do thank you I think, idk how to feel about it all.

Anyways. I was raped last night but someone I consider my brother. For context I'm 17 the kid is 13-14. I won't go into detail for my own sanity but also because it's unnecessary. It happened at night, the two other kids were sleeping next to us, and I woke up to being assaulted. As the person I call mama #2 said I could have easily pushed him off or beat the fuck this kid. But I didn't. I woke up to it, which threw me very off guard. Not only that but I was molested as a child and raped 3 times before this, so I already have trauma surrounding this stuff. So when I woke I was specifically thrown back into the time I was 7. I could tell the difference between the flashbacks and what was happening but I was still paralyzed. I wanted to cry or move or tell him to leave or something but I was stuck. So yeah. I was raped. The kid didn't mean it with malicious intent, he was just curious and fucked up big time. What he did was wrong but he's still a kid. So I have chosen to let his mom (mama #2) handle it. But now I fear I have lost another group of people I loved for speaking about it. Idk. I also feel extremely guilty because I have a boyfriend. He's already told me he still loves me and everything but I can't help but feel like I did something wrong. On top of that I am responding to this trauma with intrusive sexual thoughts. I want to throw up and carve my skin off or kill myself right now. But I won't. I understand that my body is coping, like I said I've been raped 3 times before this. I just idk. I need an outlet that I know can't really effect me and Tumblr is the best place I guess. Anyways. Yeah. Support victims and stay safe.

TW for idk depression or whatever.

I hate it. I hate all of it.

I crave connection, I grave love of all kinds, I want peace. I can't seem to have any of it. No matter how hard I try I can't feel romantic love, or even feel a real connection with people. The only time I get something close to that feeling is when I get attached to a piece of media.

I'm so alone but not in the sense that I don't have people in my life but in the sense that I don't have connection. It's like a prison and I can't escape it.

I feel like a monster in chains locked away in a deep dark pit of hell. Maybe I deserved it but I don't know. I just know that my emotions are so volatile that I hate it. I hate me. I hate everything about me, but I don't even know who me is. I hate the way my body is, more than just being trans but also because it's not what I want it to be. I hate my personality because I can't understand it. I hate myself because I don't understand it.

No mather how hard I try I always fall into something deeper then before. I hate it. I'm scared, tired, and fucking angry. So fucking scared and angry.

It's like a wild mutt that bites anything that comes near, threat or not.

I just want to stop. All of it. Just not exist. Not even die just, no existence. I shouldn't have been born, I shouldn't have survived my first attempt at 7, and I shouldn't be here. I should be gone. I shouldn't exist. I'm not built for anything that society sees and being human.

I want to go home. But what is home?

The worst part is I feel guilty for simply existing. Everything I do and feel and think is like a slap onto my mother's face. What's even worse is the fact a part of me still hates her.

It's horrible and I want it to end. I want it all to end. It's driving me crazy. I'm going fucking insane. It's a never ending cycle. It gets better and I think things are going okay and then one thing fucks it all up. Everything slams me down into the floor and I look like a fool. It's like the fucking universe wants me to continuously suffer.

I hate it when people tell me that it'll get better or when religious people try to tell me that I'm gods strongest soldier. I hate it when people tell me I'm strong and brave and all that bullshit. Cut the fucking crap, I know what I am. I'm a fucking shattered mess that's terrified and will cut anything without warning.

I'm mean. I'm scared. I'm tried. I'm bored. I'm empty. I'm nothing. I'm everything.

It's insanity. Just make it stop. Make it all stop. Please. I'm so tired. Let me disappear.

i would boop you more but it’s way past my bedtime and i have to wake up early 🤭

Get your beauty sleepy kitten whiskers, we can boop more tomorrow 🤘🏼😎 /silly /POS /p

WHAT’S UP BOOPTUAL???

OMG HI BABYGIIRRLLLLL

if you can’t eat a whole meal, eat half. you ate, that’s what is important.

if you can’t get out of bed, try and sit up instead of lying down. it’ll be better for your back and your blood pressure.

if you can’t shower or have a bath today, try and brush your teeth and clean your ears. it’ll keep you a little cleaner, and we often forget those areas. 

if you can’t get dressed today, change underwear and use some deoderant. it’ll leave you a little fresher until you have the strength to change fully.

and remember, i’m very proud of you. your best will look different every day, and that’s okay.

I think we're mutuals lol

Anyways the word I thought of was Ethereal.

@brontekotlcyan and I can't remember my other mutuals names help omfg 😭

Quick ! Think of a word you like ! 

Not necessarily your favorite word, it doesn’t even have to be a word you usually like ! Just a word that right now, at this moment, you look at and think “ooh what about this one”.

It can be a word you find funny, pretty, strange, pure, anything really ! You don’t need to tell me why you choose that word (though I’d love to know if you want to tell me), just give me a word ! 

(It’d be lovely if we made this into a chain but there’s no pressure <3)

oooh um MYTHIC

Yeah.

No pressure: @sleepinginmygrave @thespaceoddities @picklerab23 @hotdamnitsmoony @good-oldfashioned-lover-girl @her-midas-touch @daydream-of-a-wallflower @addsalwayssick @a-beautiful-fool @mxed-salad-greens @vintagetee13 @idk-what-to-put-here-123 and anyone else that wants to

I love this idea <3

😅 my thoughts about this man are very normal I promise !

Pleeeeeease request lucifer related art and I will (maybe) draw them

kotlc moodboards

okkkkk heres kotlc gang moodboards (like two for each cause two different sides of characters and stufff)

Sophie Foster

Biana Vacker

Fitz Vacker

Dex Dizznee

Keefe Sencen

Marella Redek

Linh Song

Tam Song

Maruca Chebota

Stina Heks

Rayni Aria

(if you want me to go more into detail for any of them lmk :])

Thanks for your positive feedback,my donation link is on my pinned post

Rebloged the post my love, I hope it can help.

URGENT HELP PLEASE DONATE TO HELP MY FAMILY DURING THIS DIFFICULT MOMENTS.

I am Kelly, My family is in danger. They are trapped in a city in Gaza called Rafah. They fled there because my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer and the only chemo treatment she could receive was there. Due to a militia that is increasingly taking over the country and bombing hospitals, all of the disabled, sick and elderly had to flea to Rafah to get medical treatment. Hundreds of thousands of Gaza people fled out of Rafah earlier this week after the militia overtook the Gaza military. My family was unable to flee because my grandmother is elderly and sick.

As of yesterday, my grandmother, disabled aunt, aunt who is sick with Malaria and my two teenage girl cousins were trapped at the top of an apartment building that has been overtaken by militia. They are helpless.

My aunts are sick and they have been injured. My two cousins are just children. Please help my family.

TARGET $1250/$15500

CLICK HERE TO DONATE

I am Kelly, My family is in danger. They are trapped in a city in Gaza called Rafah. They fled there because my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer and the only chemo treatment she could receive was there. Due to a militia that is increasingly taking over the country and bombing hospitals, all of the disabled, sick and elderly had to flea to Rafah to get medical treatment. Hundreds of thousands of Gaza people fled out of Rafah earlier this week after the militia overtook the Gaza military. My family was unable to flee because my grandmother is elderly and sick.

As of yesterday, my grandmother, disabled aunt, aunt who is sick with Malaria and my two teenage girl cousins were trapped at the top of an apartment building that has been overtaken by militia. They are helpless.

My aunts are sick and they have been injured. My two cousins are just children. Please help my family in one of two ways.

I'm sorry that happened to you and your family, but I don't know how to help. I'm a teenage kid in America, would reposting links to resources that are looking to help you all do something? If so what links could I use that are actually helping.

you taste like a human idk

-🎙

Noice 👍

cannibalizes you cutely??? /aff

-🎙

Lemme know if I taste good Ally Al 😭? /Aff /Confused

ur so gay stop simping for my husband and wife pls/j

-🎙

Listen pookie wookie bear they're so cute and hot and fun, fight me😭 /srs /silly /lh

Once you get this, you have to say five things you like about yourself, publicly. Then you have to send this to ten of your favourite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool~) 🌈🌈

Uhmmm this is hard.

I like my hair and eyes, that's two.

I like how I protect people. That's three.

Uhmmm. Dawg this is hard 😭

I like how decent I am at keeping my mental health good ish? I also like how despite having ASPD I am a decent person I guess? That's five.

So yeah. Fun :)

He's my new reason to live

REBLOG IF YOU ACTUALLY READ TAGS

Please Reblog is Your Blog is Safe for Non-Binary People.

If my mutuals can’t rb this then we can’t be mutuals

HELP 😭

Stranger Sex—

*Sobs incoherently*

First thing you see after you zoom in is how you die

How you dying 👀

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