It Is What It Is - Tumblr Posts

i wish i could go through life without needing to speak

like a model, an enigma, someone who wisped in and out of rooms

i could focus all my energy on cultivating a persona

speaking with my scarves, coats, dresses, and gentle smiles

but it wouldn’t do, i was looked at strangely when words didn’t flow easily through teeth

i was the odd man out by way of silence

i had to have opinions, a certain garishness, to prove my humanity

to prove i’m not one of those girls

who sits still, quietly

and aren’t people enough

Be gentle with my heart, or never speak to me again. You choose. I don’t care either way. <33

27.10.2020 » im gonna keep it real with you chief, online classes? not going well. motivation? none. focus? none. internet connection? shit. hotel? trivago. but at least the leaves outside are pretty.

I'm pretty sure studying shouldn't feel like your soul's trying to become a black hole.

Let's get a partner as a demiromantic!

*person isn't interested in my gender* aw dang it

*person is aromantic* aw dang it

*person is already taken* aw dang it

*person isn't close enough to me for me to consider them as a possible partner* aw dang it

*per-

I think the part of me that hopes you'll reach out and explain what happened will always remain.

72 -

Random brain dump:

I am not great at school. Mostly because I struggle with consistency. In like…every aspect of my life. I’m smart, I test quickly & well. But I have a hard time staying focused, I get distracted & my sense of time is so warped. I think I walk around half disassociated all the time.

Also like…school is such a TASK *yawn*

So yes, I have ADHD.

I have been on a stimulant medication now for a few months At first, it turned the 10 channels in my head down to 2. The noise got quiet. It was amazing.

Now I think I’ve adjusted. I’m struggling again. I feel like I’m going crazy and have dementia at 30.

•

I really wanted to impress my final teacher. And well, I don’t think I did. She’s tough.

Today though, she told me that I’ve really pulled it together the last few weeks with my focus and being present. She knows I care and is proud of me.

This is going to sound terrible but because I already feel insecure about her “liking” me, I don’t feel like this was genuine. I am having trouble accepting it.

^ there’s my bitchy little twit (BLT) of a trauma voice trying to convince me I suck.

•

The pendulum swings between extremes before it reaches equilibrium. I’ve swung from a severe people pleaser to speaking my mind completely, anyone be damned.

Erm….it’s made a couple of things awkward. So like let’s hurry up and find my new comfort level with this.

I realized lately that while I may be all like “let me look deep into myself and come to terms with/embrace all of my shame and wear it proudly because that takes away its power to control me blah blah”- not everyone is there yet.

Whether they want to get there or not, how they get there, etc….none of my business.

I try really hard to stay in my own lane and worry about myself mostly. But it’s hard because I still feel the claws of my BLT trying to pull me back into the land of insecure misery lol

Sometimes I pretend I’m actually just an actor in a lifelong biopic and actually, it does help. Because then I realize how ludicrous almost everything is.

•

My moral alignment is chaotic neutral and I feel like it really defines me and I’m not ashamed of it.

Having a solid sense of understanding and identity is my #1 priority right now.

Idk ya’ll. I think I may like myself. Uh oh…shit. I might get all healed and take over the world!!!!! Watch out

•

A friend told me recently how he could see how I could be extremely easy to love but incredibly hard to deal with.

I was dying to ask for him to explain exactly what they meant and how/why he thinks this. Hi, I’m insecure.

But I held my tongue. Unsure as to why. Sense of pride or protection? I find myself holding in my thoughts much more frequently these days.

I guess subconsciously, I am more selective now about who I share myself with.

People are exhausting and honestly? I have worked/am working really hard to improve myself.

I will no longer give away pieces of myself with no regard or care.

Not sure what to make of it. I mean, he’s probably right. I can be a lot. Sometimes I swear I disassociate and I watch a version of me running full speed until my batteries run out

And all the while I’m banging on the glass like “Stop!!!!!!”

My brain hurts often.

•

I will try to stay positive and breathe through the tough moments.

Made it through Day 1. Again.

Do y'all ever feel like your life is a TV series (multiple genres, you choose which best fits your life currently), where every episode is a jawdropping moment and you've eventually had enough of this drama?! Or maybe that's like 2020 summed up.

P.S. Mine's definitely always been a tragic comedy in the genre department. 2020 or not.🤷🏻‍♀️

I just wanted to tell the 3 or less people that actually read my fanfictions and are following my acc bc of fanfictions:

I have utterly failed, like lmao I literally write fanfiction twice a year

I don't even think you can call me a fanfiction writer

Lol

Just so you know my fics will probably never be updated 🙂🙃😗

My Sherlock phase is coming back stronger than ever - 🤚🏃‍♀️

Nice to meet you too. I should probably be going. More people to startle half to death and potentially get stabbed by, you know how it is.

(Appears in Ensa’s teleportation circle)

Boo.

WHAT THE FUCK

Real soon I’ll be 20 years old ♪♫♬ Based on the song by Lukas Graham called 7 years. Can’t believe I’m turning 20 tomorrow already time really flies.

Facts Lumalee, facts.

cant believe im letting people online see into my heart. for free

When the 3 AM Inspiration Hits :D

Maybe it’s the way I feel my soul crave for your existence, but I can’t help but look for your eyes at every passerby on the street

Hoping that it’s you I’ll run into.

I feel the way my heart beats

For anyone at this point in my life

Hoping that the person it beats for

Is you.

I can’t help but read every romance novel

Feeling as though it is us in another lifetime

Where our love is obvious on paper,

Easily read in between the lines of

Onyx and ivory.

I can’t help but feel jealous

At these romantic stories,

Whether they are on a page or in real time

Because maybe they found their other half

Before I did?

Or maybe it’s because they found someone who can fill the void till they meet their other half.

I’m greedy to want you in my life

Especially right now

When I know for a fact things wouldn’t work out the way I would like them.

I know I have to patient to meet you

To be able to love you.

That our story will happen when the time is right.

I know that you’re one step ahead of me,

Also waiting patiently to meet me.

To love me as much as would I love you.

I can’t help but be worried though.

Whether you’re out there still, alive and doing well.

Or if the horrors of our world have taken you to paradise among the stars where you belong.

It’s sad that the stories I read are about feeling, knowing, and loving their soulmates.

I wish that was a world we lived in because I so badly want to know your face, trace my eyes over your features and burn them to memory. Get to know the name that falls from my lips like exquisite honey. I want to know the person behind those mysterious eyes that I can’t picture.

Do you like to read?

Are you a nerd?

What’s your favorite season?

What’s your favorite type of weather?

How do you like your coffee in the morning?

Are you as obsessive as I am?

Are you as ambitious and independent as I am, but have a desire to be with me at all hours of the day?

As silly and simple as those questions are… I have so many more I want answered.

I have the guttural desire to know who you are

And where I can find you.

So I look and scour this earth trying to find you.

I look in places where I least expect you to be…

Like in friends, strangers, dating apps….

I say it’s to pass the time, but really…

A deeper part of my being is hoping to find you there…

I’m naive, knowing that you’re out there not at all doing what I’m doing…

But I’d be lying to myself and a hypocrite if I said that you weren’t doing the same as I am…

Trying to find you, and bring you, us home.

I crave for the days that will brighten when you’re by my side, waking up to the morning sun shining down on our faces.

I crave for your touch that ignites and relaxes my body, your favorite instrument to play.

One you know all too well as you trace your hands over me to play your favorite siren song.

I crave the day that our eyes finally meet and we both sigh in relief that we have found the ‘one’.

I crave for the day that I’m not the sole poet, and that you have created a sonnet from your heart dedicated to me.

I crave for the rainy days that storm down on our house of comfort,

Instead of running away and it breaking us down,

You grab my hand as we run out the door from the safety of our house and then we make out in the rain.

Not caring if the whole world was watching us.

I crave for the day that we sit inside of a pillow fort of our making as we laze around basking in each other’s presence because

it’s enough.

I crave for the day that we are able to love each other and make memories that are so far ahead of us.

I crave for the day I find you,

My other half. Who was made by the gods themselves,

To treasure, adore, spoil and love me.

So I will continue in my conquest… going through different lovers hoping to find you in this life.

Crushing on people who most likely aren’t you.

Just hoping for the off chance that it is.

I dread the thought that I’ve crossed paths with you, as it wasn’t our time yet or the off chance that it just wasn’t meant to happen in this lifetime.

But if I’m right about that,

Then I will see you when my time is up.

I will cherish and hold you with so much vigor we won’t be apart again in our next life.

My body craves our love, that only my soul would know, recognize and covet.

My heart yearns for the warmth that only your love would thaw and bring it buzzing to life again.

I would say it’s a miracle that if you are dead that you don’t know of my ability to see, feel, and hear spirits.

And if you did, and only didn’t haunt me because you didn’t want to burden me with that fact alone, then fuck you!!

Because at least I would have closure.

It would be so much easier with the fact that I know that you are dead, that you would be patiently waiting till I’ve lived my life to the fullest while mourning for you.

Because it’s easier knowing where and who you are and what happened to you,

Than wondering the what ifs,

wondering who you are

Wondering where you are

If you’re out there

Like me

Wishing

That you

Would just appear

And tell me that everything

Is going to be okay because I

Have you on my side and that nothing is going

To break us apart. Not in this life or the next.

Every person I date from here on out, will be a lesson I learn,

So that when I eventually find you, I will know how to cherish, trust, communicate, and love you, like how I know you deserve.

I know you will do the same for me.

When our souls eventually meet, it will feel like coming home. It will be like breathing in the first fresh air of spring. It will feel as though our worlds have collided in the most unlikely of ways, but when looking back on the moment it would make the most sense to us. We will love each other for all our demons and faults. We will love each other for all our happiest moments and for good days. A perfect Yin-Yang of messy and pure love.

We will stand for and with each other every step and turn. Devoted to one another.

I do not have the pleasure of knowing who you are yet.

But my soul loves and misses you. Whoever, whomever and wherever you are, and I can’t help but wish and pray that you’re doing okay and holding up without me. I hope that you hold out and look for me a little longer because I will find, and come home to you soon. My dearest sweet love.

My other half,

My one true soulmate.

I don't want to be alone anymore

prom queen by beach bunny always makes me cry. Partly because of the message and partly because it was in a lot of videos/shorts when I was in a particularly sad time.

Such a good song though

𝒴ou're born in 𝒟ecember and 𝐼'm born in 𝒥une