If The Heavens Ever Did Speak

If The Heavens Ever Did Speak

Warnings: religious trauma, demons, biased view of religion, insecurity, homophobia, church, quotes from the bible Themes: Religion, demons, corruption Words: I'd say a lot (2091)

this is all based on a dream I had ages ago

-

“In him was life, and that life was the light of men."

The chapel is filled with the muttering of the hopeless and hopeful. Logan tunes them out as he listens to the words as absorbs them. A shoulder presses to his, a soft movement and slow reminding him that there is a body beside him. He does not turn to face them as he is sure they don’t either. His mind is on his Lord, and there it will stay. He listens to the words and lets them sink deep into his skin and brain. His mind is on the Lord, and there it will stay.

Virgil is silent beside him, hands interlocked and close to his lips as he repeats the scriptures and words, repeating and muttering as he gives his all to his Lord. Logan is beside him, and Virgil knows his eyes are closed as he lets the words be absorbed. Virgil does not look, keeping his eyes cracked as he mutters and prays alongside his community. From the corner of his eyes, he sees the fearful, those who do not respect what they are doing. He will not let himself be tainted with them.

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

They are quiet upon their return home. Their home is cracking and broken, but they do not complain. If not in this life, then in the next, they will see heaven. They will see plenty and will not want for anything. They will not want in this life. Virgil is the first to speak, the first to break their silence and bring them away from their scripture.

“Lunch?” Logan gives him a small smile, nodding as he puts their coats away as Virgil moves slowly through the kitchen. His limbs are heavy, and his mind is complete, but he moves methodically. The curtains are blowing softly beside him as he moves slowly. The light is soft and grey as the rain is drizzling down. If he strains, he can hear the scratching of Logan’s quill move against the paper in the other room, but for not, he won’t. The floors creak below him, and the ceiling above him does so too. He does not want nor does he complain. He is alive.

“Though we are overwhelmed by our sins, you forgive them all.”

“Humans? Again?” Instead of remaining focused on the humans through the screen, he doesn't turn to the voice. “Remus? This is hardly normal?” Subpoena tries to fight the grin that is consuming his face, but he can’t.

“What can I say, Roman? They intrigue me,” He replies before he spots them. They’re his favourites to watch. They’re slow and sullen, and he almost revels in it. Almost. 

“Remus.” He doesn’t respond, his mind and eyes following the humans as they move slowly, their bodies rigid. “Their god does not like us.”

“Their god has nothing on me.” Remus blocks him out, letting his humans consume him in their movements. He can hear the sound of footsteps as Roman leaves, but he does not turn. He watches their descent to their quarters. His lips curl into a scowl as the run-down shack they live in. The wallpaper is crumbling, and the table and furniture are chipped. His eyebrows furrowed as he leaned forward, planting his hand on his chin as he watched their movement. One moves to the kitchen, preparing a simple stew. The other moves to the bedroom, scribbling in a notebook. Remus, still leaning forward, lets a smirk overcome his face again.

“The Lord will fight for you; you only need to be still.”

Virgil finds himself being drawn to the man before him. He is supposed to be helping the priest with the monthly charity event, but he’s found himself completely distracted. The man’s hair is darker than the night, and his eyes seem to be overtaken by a shadow that Virgil is entranced by and wishes to get lost in. He finds himself moving without thought, entirely overwhelmed by desire as he moves close to the man. He pauses a few metres away, suddenly aware of his .mind again. He frowns, looking at the floor as he frowns at himself. He should not desire for anything, he remembers. He turns around, leaving the man behind. 

Throughout the day, the man sits in his mind. He is consumed by him, so much so that he returns to the same place where he first saw him. To his surprise, the man is there again.

“Hello,” the man says, a smile spread across his face. Virgil does not match the expression but does not turn away. He knows he should. The Lord does not welcome mingling with outsiders, but he figures once won’t hurt. “What’s your name?”

“Virgil,” he speaks before thinking. 

“I’m Remus. Tell me, where did you disappear off to? You seemed to be hellbent on coming over to me, then changed your mind.”

“I had to help my priest organise an event,” Virgil says.

“You’re religious?” Virgil nods. “Do you ever grow tired?” Virgil blinks at him, eyes widening. “Tired of waiting for your god to help you?”

“I don’t have those thoughts,” Virgil says, moving away from the man, but he follows him.

“Don’t or shouldn’t. Surely you have wants? Desires?”

“I-” Virgil pauses, standing in front of him.

“You can tell me your wants?”

Let it be known that Virgil rarely doubts. The church was his saviour, saving him from himself when he was young and alone. It gave him Logan, his love (even if he could never tell him), and it gave him a home, a community. Virgil has not wanted for anything because he knows what it is to suffer, and so he will be thankful for what little he has.

“You could have more,” the man, Remus, says. “You could have more than what you have.” Remus moves closer to him, and Virgil should move away, should return to his life and not want. He should never question his Lord. But he doesn’t. “I could give you what you want and what you need.” Virgil feels a hand on his hip, and he finds himself unwilling to move away, his breath stolen from him as he feels the man’s arms consume him.

“Remus, I- what- But-” 

“Shhh, let yourself want, human, let yourself want with me,” Remus’s voice is in his ear. 

“I shouldn’t think these things,” Virgil whispers.

“Your Lord has no control here.”

“I-” Virgil closes his eyes, mind conflicted. His lord saved him and gave him Logan; he should never doubt him.

“Is Logan your love's name?”

“I- He’s not my-”

“I see how you look at him?” Quality’s face burns red. “I see how he looks at you.”

“He doesn’t- it’s not returned.”

“Oh dear, little one, your Lord has led you astray. Making you believe you cannot love. Follow me. Come with me. You can love in peace with me.”

“But my lord-”

“Your Lord has forgotten you.” Virgil opens his eyes to meet Remus’s red ones. His eyes widen more as a soft hand comes up to cradle his face. He should pull away, but he finds himself wanting to stay. He finds himself wanting. “Stay with me.”

“And Logan?”

“Let’s go to him then.” Virgil feels himself being moved, and in the blink of an eye, he’s home, and Logan is looking up at him. 

“Logan…” he says, and his voice already betrays him. The air is heavy and cold, and Virgil thinks he might cry at the look in Logan’s eyes.

“You have forsaken him-”

“Logan-”

“After all he’s done for you-”

“Logan, please-”

“After all he’s given us?”

“I love you.” Logan is quiet, eyes wide. “I know he says we are wrong, but we aren’t. I love you. Please, Logan, we could- I don’t know, Logan, we could go, Logan, please, I love you-”

“No- no, you can’t. It’s wrong, Virgil, it’s-” Virgil is crying, tears streaming down his face as Logan steps back.

“Logan.” Logan spins around at the new voice. “Your Lord has forsaken you. He knows nothing of love.”

“No, he loves us, he cares for us, he-”

“Has left you behind.” Remus moves closer to him. “I know this. Virgil knows this. See the light.”

“No, he- no!”

“He has left you in the dark, Logan. He has forsaken you.”

“No, I- no, he-. NO!”

“You love Logan. You love Virgil, but your lord has abandoned you. You cling to a faith that has done nothing but hurt you.” Logan’s breath catches as his eyes connect with fiery red eyes. “I can offer you safety. I have seen you two want for more than you have. For safety and love, Logan, I can give you that. Come with me.”

“Logan, please,” Virgil says. “I can’t stay, not now. But I can’t leave you-” He cuts himself off with a sob, Remus pulls him close, and Logan feels something well in his chest at the sight.

“You’re a demon,” Logan whispers.

“I am,” Remus says. “I am a demon, and I am your salvation.” Logan steps towards Virgil, towards both of them. He extends his hand, letting Virgil attach to them, to fall into his arms.

“I love you,” he mumbles to the man, who only cries harder. “Why do you help us?” he asks the demon, and the demon smiles, not cruel or unkind like he’s been taught but small and vulnerable.

“I have seen what you god does to his people; I do not wish to see you suffer.”

“But why?” he asks, desperately searching for anything because if he’s going to leave all he’s known behind, he needs a reason.

“Because I know what it is to want. To want for something and not get it,” Remus says, hands moving to cup Logan’s cheek to press against Virgil. “To love and not be allowed to show it.” Logan's face tilts, almost unconsciously, leaning against the warm hand. “Your God hath forsaken you, but I never will.”

“My lovers got humour.”

Remus finds himself to be lucky. He supposes it’s in his nature. The sky is dark as he sits. If he were awake, Virgil would say the sky is always dark here, but he sleeps peacefully on his lap, his head rested on his chest as his chest rises and falls softly and peacefully. Logan remains awake, his hand moving through Virgil’s hair, looking up at Remus, where he sits at his throne every few moments. When he’s sure Virgil is asleep, he moves away, letting Remus’s hand replace his and brush through Virgil’s hair.

“Why?” Logan asks, voice quiet. “Why us?”

“Love is a fickle thing,” Remus responds. “I’ve seen how your god treats his people, with punishments and pain for things that are out of your control. I do not wish to see you suffer. To see either of you suffer.”

“Why us?”

“Because you deserve better.”

“How do you know? How do you know we do? We have sinned. We have loved people we should not. We have broken the rules. We’ve been tempted. We’ve wanted.”

“You can want here.”

“It is wrong,” Logan whispers, but Remus knows he does not mean it.

“You are happier here,” Remus says. “You could be. You could be safe here. You could love him here.”

“Why help us?”

“I love you.”

“You don’t know us.”

“Unlike your old God, I take care of my people. You will not have to want because I will give you it all. I will shower you in it all.” Logan says nothing, letting himself move closer to believe. “You can love here. You can stay here.”

“You don’t know us,” Logan repeats, doubting his own words.

“I do not need to. I want to, but I have seen you, how you need.” Remus’s warm hand returns to his cheeks. “Can your God do this?” And then there are lips on his, and Logan feels the want rush through him. The wants he has repressed for years on the instruction of his community. He feels the want to kiss Virgil and hold him. The want to make mistakes and to live rush through him as Remus moves away. “Let the want consume you.”

“It’s a sin,” Logan whispers, but he doesn’t mean it. He finds himself wanting to sin.

“Whats sin to a demon?”

"Knows everybody's disapproval, should've worshipped them sooner."

Remus: Hey Janus?

Janus: what?

Remus: are you awake?

Janus: who the fuck do you think said what?!?

Not A Lie

Themes: Virgil and Janus actually talk for once, ship fic Warnings: Reference to lies, crying, shouting work, minor cursing. Words: 662 words

“You left us! You were the one who thought you were better than us!” Janus is screaming now. He’s screaming and he can’t find it in himself to care. “Stop acting like you’re the one who was hurt by all of this, you left us! You left me!” There’s silence but Janus is fuming. No, Virgil doesn’t get to just silently sit through this. He has to respond. He has to face Janus’ anger. “Oh really?! Nothing to say now, huh, Virgil?! No, come back?! NO-”

“You left me first.” And the room is silent again. Janus is looking at Virgil, at the silently furry that rolls off him in waves. “You left me first.” He repeats. “You stepped back. I- I kissed you and you kissed me back and then- then, you pretended it never happened! Like we never happened. And you ignored me and lied to me when I tried to ask about it, tried to figure out what was happening. So you get off your high horse, you’re not the only one that got left behind!” Janus is silent. His fuming. He’s so angry he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He wants to shout at Virgil, but he also just wants to go to his room and never leave again.

“We don’t work.”

“We don’t.”

There’s a silent understanding that they could. If they tried, they could work. They could work beautifully. But neither want to make the first move. There’s too much hurt and too much pain there. It’s a wound that neither side will ever fully heal from separately. But together is exhausting. Being together is scary. Janus is look at him, at Virgil, and he almost reaches out. He almost extends his hand and brushes the hair from his face like he’s done a million times before. But he can’t and he hates it. His fingers twitch, almost beginning but then Virgil is looking at him with tears in his eyes. Virgil is crying. He made Virgil cry. And Virgil made him cry,

“Goodbye, Janus.” ‘Beg me to stay. Ask me stay. I’ll stay if you tell me to,’ Virgil’s mind screams. ‘I would stay here and fight but I need you to give me a reason. Give me a reason, Jan, please-’

“Goodbye Virgil.”

They just couldn’t work, could they?

They were improbable.

--

It took Janus a whole twenty seconds to realise he did not fucking care. He did not give a single shit about probability (who let’s math dictate their live?).

It takes him twenty seconds to realise he was wrong. He didn’t want to repeat this cycle. He was never a fan of cycles. 

It takes him twenty seconds to realise he was wrong, and another twenty to start moving. 

He moves fast, like he’ll die if he doesn’t. To a degree, he will. Because he’s sick of being scared. He’s darting through the hallway (he’s probably almost knocking into someone but he doesn’t care.) He’s running because this is Virgil and he’s sick to death of being stubborn. He barges into Virgil’s room and his heart breaks when he sees the tear streaked face.

“What?” He says, voice heavy. “What more could you possibility want?”

“I love you.”

“Shut up.”

“I have been in love with you for years.”

“Please.”

“And I know you’re anxious-” duh “-and you have no reason to trust me.”

“You’re a liar.”

“But, liar’s honour, I love you.” He’s standing in front of first now, who hasn’t moved. Weakly, Virgil lifts his hand, hitting it softly against Janus’ chest.

“I hate you.” Lie. “I hate you so much.” Another lie. 

“You know I know when you lie, right?”

“Yes.” Not a lie. They’re silent. Janus hesitantly opens his arms and Virgil falls against his chest. “I wish I could hate you.” Lie. “But I love you too much.” Not a lie. Janus smiles, wrapping his arms against the other side.

“I love you.” Not a lie.

“I know.” Not a lie.

Here. Uhm, have this short fic because I’m not dead :)

Jitters

I'm back from the dead. and by dead I mean I think I've melted

Theme: fluff, the first day of school, domestic fluff Warnings: No warning Words: 973

"I don't want to!" Patton sighed, looking down at ten-year-old Virgil as he pouted on the staircase.

"I know, storm clouds, but you have to go to school," he explains, bending down to Virgil's eye level. "It's very scary, I know but it's important."

"Why?"

"Because I can't teach you these things myself, storm cloud, and your dad and I have to send you to school."

"I wanna stay at home with you and dad." Patton sighs.

"I know you do but Dad and I have got to let you go to big school. You were so excited about it yesterday, what happened?" Virgil says nothing, pouting. "What's up buttercup?" Patton pressed but it met with the same response.

"That's quite the pout, Virgie, what's wrong?" Virgil's eye shoots up at the voice of his dad, looking at Janus' eyes as he comes up behind Patton.

"Will you not make me go to school?"

"Virgie, I work here. I'm legally required to bring you," Janus says and Virgil's pout deepens. "How about this," Janus begins, crouching down to Virgil's eye level. "You tell me what's up and why you are scared, and Pops and I will see what we can do to help."

"I'm gonna be the only new kid... No one likes new kids," Virgil says. "And! My dad's the principal! Everyone is gonna make fun of me." Janus gives Virgil a sad smile, sharing a look with Patton. "Why couldn't we just stay back home. Where we used to live."

"Because, storm cloud, Dad got a much better job here. A job that means we can do more fun family stuff together," Patton says.

"I know but..."

"But it's not home yet?" Janus asks and Virgil nods, leaning into Janus' half hug. "How about this Virg," Janus says. "If you make it through today. Whether it be a good day or even just a day, me, you and pops will go to the nice diner near the arcade and we can drown our sorrows together."

"Drown them in milkshakes?" This gets a chuckle out of both of Virgil's parents, though he has no idea why.

"Yes, with milkshakes, Virgie." Janus squeezes him with one arm. "Or we can order take out and go on the long walks like we used to before."

"Can we do both?" Virgil asks, looking at Patton with puppy eyes, knowing damn well he's easily influenced by them.

"Of course, storm clouds. But you have to promise to have a day and not hide in the bathrooms." Patton ruffles Virgil's hair. "It's okay if you have a panic attack. We'll talk to Mr Picani about increasing your sessions if you can't handle it, okay?" Virgil nods at the mention of his therapist (Picani was Patton's roommate back in college and Virgil's therapist since the child had started getting bad nightmares and anxiety attacks a year prior). "I love you to the clouds."

"And I love you to the sun," Virgil parroted back.

"And I love you all the way back," Janus finished, kissing Patton on the cheek and allowing him to give Virgil a hug goodbye.

"Be safe, boys, okay!? Love you!" Janus smiled and waved at him as Virgil buried himself in his hoodie.

"Have a good day dad," Virgil said.

"Have a day, Virgie."

-

"Not a complete disaster?" Patton said, sneaking another chip off Janus' plate as the three of them sat in the diner.

"Not really. One kid, Remus, talked to me but he was a bit weird. He has a brother named Roman," Virgil said, trialling off as he tried to recall everything that had happened. "Oh and some older kid from the joint high school said my hair was cool. He was drinking Starbucks which I didn't think we were allowed in the corridors" Janus raised his eyebrows. "Oops, probably shouldn't have said that in front of you."

"Technically, purple hair isn't allowed either, Jan, so we can't pick and choose," Patton pointed out

"We, is it now?" Janus teased before smacking Patton's wandering hand. "These are not our chips, Pat."

"Aren't you a communist?"

"Not when it comes to fries, love," Janus joked and Patton rolled his eyes. "How's your food, Virgil? Your Pops hasn't tried to steal any yet, I hope."

"Pops can have as many chips from me as he wants," Virgil said, smiling smugly at Patton's quiet squeal of delight.

"Suck up." Virgil simply stuck his tongue out and Janus ruffled his hair, laughing. "Come on kid, finish up your burger. Think you'll have room for a sundae?" Virgil looks offended at the implication that he wouldn't have room for a sundae.

"Don't make yourself sick," Patton warns. "We are still going for a walk back home." Virgil nods, tucking into his burger. Patton's hand finds Janus'. "How was your day?"

"Good. The science teacher, Logan, he's pretty nice," Janus says. "He says most of the teachers here are a bit bitter that they hired outside the school for the new principal instead of promoting one of them."

"Is he? Bitter, I mean?"

"I don't think he cares much. Long as we don't disrupt each other," he explains. "Nice thought, he showed me a nice place to get a better place to get coffee in the morning." Janus intertwines their fingers. "How about you, Pat? How was your day?"

"Well, I bought some painting stuff," he says sheepishly. "I figured since I don't have to work anymore to make ends meet, I can get back to it."

"That's great, Pat, really," Janus says, squeezing their hands tighter.

Things are gonna be okay, Patton decides. Even if Janus' colleagues are a little bitter and Virgil is anxious about it all, things will be okay. And if they're not, he'll figure it out.

"Virgil you can't inhale a burger you will joke-"

"Watch me!"

"Virgil!"

They'll be okay.

Patton: I don't know what to say

Janus: let me

Patton: don't be mean about it though

Janus, staring directly at Patton: frantic backspacing

new Janus video... damn i really forgot how obsessed in love with sander sides until i got new content