I Will Forever Be Snippets

I will forever be snippets

Found everywhere

In Books I read

In blogs I kept

On notes

In calculations

I will forever be a journey

Of contradictions

And violations

Of my principles

I will forever have

Standards too high

Friends enough

Questions too much

My idealism

Is killing

My confidence

I am and am and am

Still

Though

Suicidal thaughts

Never seem to

Go away

I am as my dog

Going from one place to another

Over and over and over again

Giving up

Forever

And always

And now I think of you

Working your ass off

And it’s crazy to think

That you’re playing first division now

I am extremely proud of you

I am happy for you

That all your hard work paid off

And I hope one day our paths will cross again

One day you’ll play A national team

Wish you all the best

An old friend

Still here today

Not gonna die

Stronger

Faster

Better

Who am I in all of this

Coming home

Again

And again

And again

Love

For all the people I know

Love for myself

Forever and always

No one knows how much it hurts

To have a part that doesn’t belong

No one knows the pain and the grief

Of suffering from something that is without any logic

The pain and the joy

So close together

Who I am doesn’t change

But how you see me does

Verteufelt

Stigmatisiert

Stillgeschwiegen

Versteckt

Unverständnis

Hass

Ungläubigkeit

DAs einzige was hilft ist das moralisch verwerfliche und vermeintlich gefährliche

Denn medizinische Hilfe gibt es nicht

Weil die Ethik wiederspricht

Nur ominöse Torwächter

Ohne Sinn und Verstand

Der Schmerz der bleibt

Komm nimm mich an die Hand

Zeig mir die Welt wie du sie siehst

Ohne den ganzen Schmerz.

I miss you laying in my arms

I miss you catching me

I miss you hugging me tight

I miss you looking at me like we are the only two people on the planet

I miss you saying you love me

I miss sleeping cuddled into your chest

I miss you being excited whenever I am taller than you

I miss watching you

I miss holding you close

I miss you showing me comics

I miss us showing each other music

I miss your room that just breathes you

I miss you and us and we

Trying

Harder

Every day

Trying

Softer everyday

Trying and trying and trying

Using energy

Reusing energy

Feeling too much

And not enough

Just trying to function

But it doesn’t work

The walls are up again

It’s back an forth

Unsteady

One day smiling

One day hiding

Running away

And coming back

Again

And again

And again

And again

Feeling wrong everywhere

Feeling less wrong than before

Wanting to be seen

Wanting to hide

Wanting to run

This is so weird

I wanna run

And come back

And it costs so much energy

This inconsistency

And I want it to stop

But I don’t know

How to

Not hide

I don’t know

How to be myself

I know who I am

But not how to be me

I feel lost and insecure

And like repeating everything

That I ever said

Over and over and over again

I feel wrong

And right

And once again

Ambivalence

And I need

To be

Released

From this

Prison

Of back and forth

Can I just run forever

Or stay

I don’t know

It doesn’t leave my head

How weird it is

That I’m still here

Objectively everything is great

Subjectively I suffer

From a lot

I hate it here

And I love it here

Ambivalence

Bigger

Than ever

Before

There was a time

When I wasn’t

Now I am here

But it feels weird

Like I am not supposed to be here

And yet I am grateful to be here

Lost

Forever

In this

I can’t help but feel

Like it’s my fault

But it’s not

It will never be my fault

What happened to me

Or what happened

I can work on myself

But I don’t have to do magic

It’s still weird

To live

In a world

That I don’t really exist in

The way I am

Is not intended in this society

But it is in

Biology

Psychology

Me

I know that I exist

And still I often feel like I don’t exist in my every day life

It doesn’t work not to be out

But I also can’t force myself to come out of the shadows of my past

Lost

Insecure

Too soft

Too harsh

Too much of just functioning

Too less having fun

Never enough

Always too much

I am the contradiction

I am contradictory

Ambivalence

Forever

And maybe

Never