How Cruel Is It That Sometimes Even Love Isn't Enough?

How cruel is it that sometimes even love isn't enough?

How cruel is it that an illness can divide us so much?

How cruel is it that I seem to be too much for everyone?

How cruel is it that even me just wanting to be in your arms is too much for you?

What are you so afraid of?

Why can't we see each other?

I miss you soo much.

And this sucks.

It sucks that people always leave when you need them the most.

It sucks that the world is so cruel.

It sucks that noone can deal with certain illnesses.

And their severity.

We all deal with life diferently.

And I just wanna hear your voice and hold your hand.

And forget about life for a while.

Is it wrong to wish for that.

Is it wrong that with you I can forget for a while who I have to be.

I am so sick of hearing from everyone how

much potential I have.

They all support me soo much.

Because they know I can reach for the stars.

But all I wanna do is live a normal life.

But wherever I go I am supposed to be some wonderkid.

Some special person.

The one who saves the world.

I can shift the momentum in an entire room of people.

But that doesn't mean that I have to.

So I sit here in silence alone

With too much feelings

And too much potential

And I get more and more agressive every

day

And I don't know how to put my life in regular waters again

Because time and time again I end up alone.

Because people are either starstruck by me or scared of me without me even showing them my full complex self.

It sucks to be too much.

I breathe in

Possibilty

I breathe out

Fear

I breathe in

Pride

I breathe out

Shame

I breathe in

Honesty

I breathe out

Secrecy

I breathe in

Love

I breathe out

Hate

I breathe in

Friendship

I breathe out

Enemies

I breathe in

Brotherhood

I breathe out

Sisterhood

Trying

Harder

Every day

Trying

Softer everyday

Trying and trying and trying

Using energy

Reusing energy

Feeling too much

And not enough

Just trying to function

But it doesn’t work

The walls are up again

It’s back an forth

Unsteady

One day smiling

One day hiding

Running away

And coming back

Again

And again

And again

And again

Feeling wrong everywhere

Feeling less wrong than before

Wanting to be seen

Wanting to hide

Wanting to run

This is so weird

I wanna run

And come back

And it costs so much energy

This inconsistency

And I want it to stop

But I don’t know

How to

Not hide

I don’t know

How to be myself

I know who I am

But not how to be me

I feel lost and insecure

And like repeating everything

That I ever said

Over and over and over again

I feel wrong

And right

And once again

Ambivalence

And I need

To be

Released

From this

Prison

Of back and forth

Can I just run forever

Or stay

I don’t know

It doesn’t leave my head

How weird it is

That I’m still here

Objectively everything is great

Subjectively I suffer

From a lot

I hate it here

And I love it here

Ambivalence

Bigger

Than ever

Before

There was a time

When I wasn’t

Now I am here

But it feels weird

Like I am not supposed to be here

And yet I am grateful to be here

Lost

Forever

In this

I can’t help but feel

Like it’s my fault

But it’s not

It will never be my fault

What happened to me

Or what happened

I can work on myself

But I don’t have to do magic

It’s still weird

To live

In a world

That I don’t really exist in

The way I am

Is not intended in this society

But it is in

Biology

Psychology

Me

I know that I exist

And still I often feel like I don’t exist in my every day life

It doesn’t work not to be out

But I also can’t force myself to come out of the shadows of my past

Lost

Insecure

Too soft

Too harsh

Too much of just functioning

Too less having fun

Never enough

Always too much

I am the contradiction

I am contradictory

Ambivalence

Forever

And maybe

Never

There is no reason

No reason

No reason

But what I really wanna convince myself of is that I don’t care

Don’t care

I feel too much

And I am scared of it

So I stay away

And don’t go.

I am scared

Of what I don’t know

I don’t want to continue

To live in a world

Where I have to fight myself

To survive

Where I have to strive

To feel like I am worthwhile

Thank you for not staying silent

Thank you for your answer on here

From a long time ago

Maybe it is too much to ask

Can you help me again?

I feel lost and insecure

But I also fear

To not feel that way again

Because everything changes

At a pace

I can’t keep up with

And things I once enjoyed

Just feel mute

What is this

I run from it

Gone

In the world

Wrong

I can’t swerve anymore

I have to face

The reality

The truth

But I just wanna run

One day I’m fine

The other I’m not

Everything feels like

It’s my mistake.

My fault

Will it ever change?

Ich zieh sie wieder an

Meine Hülle

Die nie so richtig passt

Jeder Pullover zu kratzig

Jedes Hemd zu groß

Jede Hose zu eng

In all ihrer Endgültigkeit

Liegt sie vor mir

Die Wahrheit ist nicht schön

Die Wahrheit bringt nichts

Die Wahrheit

Ist nicht so einfach

Naja

Wir bleiben halt

Und das ist erstmal gut so.

I miss the safety of your arms

and the softness of your skin.